Monday, March 30, 2009

The Ring Three: Ring Kong

On one grave September morn, some guy who works at an IMAX theater plays the Ring Tape on the big screen as a joke (He had it transferred to IMAX film or whatever they use), but it backfires when Dead Bitch crawls out of the screen like always... only because it's a gigantic IMAX screen, now Dead Bitch is a fucking giant. She steps on everyone and runs out into the city to find Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Naomi Watts and her son Naomi Jr. have moved into ANOTHER new house and this time NJ is like "hey maybe we shouldn't have any TVs or VCRs in our house this time", but Naomi's like "Come on, it'll be okay.. that dead chick is gone forever after what happened in The Ring Two, so you don't have to worry" Then she buys a 52 inch plasma TV with a 9.1 surround sound speaker system.

Back in the city, Dead Bitch is rampaging through the streets, flipping over cars and shit. She's like "Where are you Naomi Watts" and some guy from the FBI hears her say that and he's like "I know that name..." Then he calls Naomi Watts on the phone because she's his cousin or something. He's like "The Dead Ring Bitch is destroying the city, and you're the only one who can stop her!" And Naomi says her famous catch phrase, "I'm gettin' to old for this motherfuckin' cocksuckin' bullshit." So then Naomi and NJ travel to the city in the Ringmobile, and when they get there the Giant Dead Bitch grabs Naomi and starts climbing up the Empire State Building. While she's climbing up some fighter jets are shooting at her, but she destroys them with her laser eyes. Naomi's FBI Cousin is on the phone with the President and he's all "Mr. President, we have to use the SECRET WEAPON!" Naomi Junior overhears and asks what the secret weapon is, and FBI Cousin says "The Secret weapon is FUCK YOU" because he doesn't like that kid.

The President gives approval to use the SECRET WEAPON, and the CIA drive up in a van and pull out this giant fucked up gun. FBI Cousin tells them "Make sure you shoot it at Naomi Watts and don't hit Ring Kong" and CIA Guy is like "Did you just say 'Ring Kong'? That's fucking stupid. This is serious, you FBI faggot" then FBI Cousin starts crying and runs away. Naomi Junior is like "ha ha what a pussy". So then the CIA fire the Secret Weapon at Naomi Watts, and suddenly Naomi Watts grows to the same size as Dead Ring Bitch. Because the Secret Weapon is an Enlarging Ray. Anyway now Giant Naomi Watts and Giant Dead Bitch are have a big giant monster fight, destroying buildings and accidentally crushing half of the city's population. Dead Bitch tries to shoot Naomi with her laser eyes, but fortunately the Enlarging Ray also gave her laser eyes, so their laser eyes cancel each other out. Somehow they end up wrestling in a giant mud pit and Dead Bitch tears Naomi's shirt off. This monster battle is being broadcast live on television so millions of people see this offensive display of nudity.

So they keep fighting for another 45 minutes until Naomi eventually pokes one of DB's eyes out with a tree. That's when Naomi notices that DB's eye socket looks like a RING... and by removing her eye, she has freed DB's evil demons or something. So now Dead Former-Bitch is like "Thanks for saving me, Naomi Watts... It was my plan all along." But then a stealth jet swoops down and fires a huge missile right at her face. And by "her" I mean Naomi Watts, because they fired it at her by mistake. So Dead Not-Bitch is like "Nooooooooo" and dives in front of the missile, which blows up her head and double-kills her. Then the stealth jet lands and the pilot is like "Fuck yeah, I got her!" and some random guy walks up and says "It wasn't airplanes... 'twas beauty killed the beast" but then the pilot takes his helmet off and he's ugly as fuck, so the random guy is like "oh never mind".

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