Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Jurassic Park IV: Attack of the SKYnosaurs

Jeff Goldblum is telling his kid about how this one time many years ago he was chased by a T-Rex. The kid's like "Yeah right Dad, you're a fucking liar" so then Jeff Goldblum grounds him and takes away his X-Box 360. Also the kid was playing some video game where you fight dinosaurs, so he's like "Fighting dinosaurs is easy! You're just a pussy, Dad" so he was grounded for saying that too. Then after the kid goes up to his room, Jeff starts playing the video game. He makes it to level 3, where the in-game character finds a huge pile of dinosaur shit and says "That is one big pile of shit." Jeff's like "Hmm, that sounds familiar" and he keeps playing. On level 5, he's in a jeep being chased by a T-Rex and the in-game character is like "We must go faster"... then later in the game there's a bonus stage where you control the two kids in the kitchen who are hiding from Velociraptors. But you need two players for that part, so that's when he stops playing. He finally looks at the video game case and sees that it's called "Purassic Jark"...

Jeff Goldberg walks over to his neighbor Dr. John Hammond's house and rudely enters without knocking. Because he's like Hammond's wacky neighbor so he does that all the time. Hammond is like "what the fuck" and quickly hides something under a sheet. We don't see what it was though, it's a mystery. Jeff's all "Hey Doc, have you seen this game?" and Hammond's like "I gots better things to do than play video games. I'm 90 years old." So Jeff wheels John in his wheelchair over to his house and shows him the Purassic Jark game. And the sequel, where a T-Rex runs through the city and Velociraptors do gymnastics or something. John doesn't see Jeff's point, but then Jeff's like "Try putting on your glasses you old fuck" and John Hammond says his catchphrase "I'm too old for this shit." Eventually they look at the game manual and see that the video game company is called Hammond Games. And Hammond's like "Oh yeah, my niece created a video game company." He forgot because he's senile and shit. His niece was into computers or something in Jurassic Park so now she makes video games. About dinosaurs. But she crossed the line when she made a game about the tragic events of Jurassic Park...

Jeff Goldstein goes to Hammond Games to see John's niece. I think her name was Alex. Or maybe Alexis. John couldn't remember because he's too old. Alex is like "What's the big deal? I was running out of Dinosaur Game ideas, so I decided to base this one on a true story." Oh, what's the big deal? Well here's the big fuckin' deal: The ghost of Dennis Nedry (Newman from Seinfeld) died at the Jurassic Park island, and now his ghost is haunting some copies of the game. Just kidding. Actually Jeff is just offended that Alexis didn't ask him to do his own voice in the game. She got Mike Myers to do it, so now Jeff Goldblum's game character sounds like Shrek. And Jeff hates that movie. So Alex says "Follow me to the recording studio, and we'll re-do the lines with your voice" and Jeff follows her, but as soon as he's not looking, she hits him in the head with a hammer! When Jeff wakes up, he's duct-taped to a chair. Dr. Grant and Dr. Satler from Jurassic Park are in there too, also taped to chairs. Jeff's like "what are you two doing here" and Alexis walks in and says "The same thing as you, Jeff Goldblum..."

Jeff Goldenface then is forced to listen to Alexis explain her plan. "I was selling Purassic Jark video games so I could get the money to build a Dinosaur Blimp. It would be like a dinosaur petting zoo except on a blimp. If any of the dinosaurs escaped we could just open a hatch in the blimp and flush them out so they'd fall to their deaths. All the humans in the blimp would have parachutes so they'd be okay. It's just like Jurassic Park, only instead of an island it's a blimp, so nothing could go wrong!" That's her explanation. Jeff is like "...seriously?" and Alex says, "I couldn't have done it without a little help from my favorite uncle, Dr. John Hammond." And then John walks out, and Jeff is shocked because he didn't need a wheelchair at all! Then we flash back to earlier when he was hiding something under a sheet, and he was actually hiding a model of the Dino Blimp. He was also jerking off onto the sheet. "You'll never get away with this, John!" yells Jeff. "Those dinosaurs aren't going to stay locked up in that blimp, because life finds a way, or something" So then John and Alexis open up the dinosaur blimp and it actually does work out okay, for a few months at least. Then someone claims that she was raped by a Velociraptor, and they have to close the blimp down for a while. But it turns out she just made it up so she could make a "Velocirapist" joke. So the DinoBlimp was a good idea. None of the dinosaurs escaped and/or killed anybody. Jeff Goldblum can go fuck himself.


  1. This is the greatest thing I've ever read.

  2. Also, is space tree gone forever?

  3. ...i watched it on dvd and it sucked... so cheap made.