Friday, March 6, 2009

Home: Alone

This is a "reboot" of the once-classic Home Alone franchise. Kevin (Shia LaBeouf) just moved into his new home in New York with his blind (but sexy) aunt, Aunt Felicia (Jennifer Lopez). Kevin is like, "Well here we are at our new home, Aunt Felicia. We would've gotten here sooner if you didn't keep getting lost in New York" -- This is a reference to the second Home Alone film, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York -- So Aunt Felicia replies, "I can't help getting lost, I'm fuckin' blind!" -- By the way this isn't a family movie like the others, it is a dark psychological romantic thriller -- They both enter the house and Kevin is tired so he goes upstairs to take a nap. A few minutes later, Aunt Felicia is scared because she thinks Kevin has left. She thinks she's Home Alone. She's blind and can't see if anyone's around so it's like a metaphor because she isn't literally Home Alone she's metaphorically Home Alone.

Later, Kevin comes downstairs and Aunt Felicia is listening to the TV. Kevin is like "What are you watching, Aunt Felicia?" Then realizes how insensitive that question was, because she can't watch anything. EVER. Not since the events of last October. "I'm so sorry about the events of last October, Aunt Felicia" says Kevin, and AF grabs his hand and promises him it's okay. "Just describe what's happening in this movie for me." So he starts describing it, but then there's a sex scene in the movie that Kevin & Aunt F are watching & listening, respectively. And the sex scene happens to be between a young man and his older (but sexy) aunt. So he gets a little uncomfortable when he has to describe this very controversial, but also very sexy film to his blind (but sexy) aunt. Soon, Aunt Felicia whispers in Kevin's ear, "Did your parents ever tell you that you're adopted?" and Kevin's like "No, why are you telling me, Aunt Felicia?" And she's like "Because that means we're not related by blood." And then they start fuckin'.

Then, while they're having controversial-but-sexy-but-incestuous sex, two criminals named Harold (John Cho) and Marvin (Kal Penn) are walking past their window, and Marvin's like "Holy shit bro, check this shit out!" and they can see Kevin & Aunt F through the window. Harold says "Yo, while they're gettin' busy, we should rob the shit out of their house. Harold & Marvin Style!" Harold and Marvin are really in Home: Alone to provide some comic relief to this otherwise serious, deep and controversial (but sexy) story. The two dudes sneak into the house and realize that there's pretty much nothing to steal, because Kevin and AF just moved in that day. Marvin's like "Fuck it dude, let's go bowling" but Harold wants to check upstairs first, because there must be SOMETHING to steal. Harold runs up the stairs, but then trips over and falls down the stairs, breaking his neck. Kevin and Aunt F are like "what the fuck" and Kevin runs out to see what's going on.

Marvin is kneeling over his friend's dead body, and he's like "Holy shit, Harold! Have a nice TRIP?" Then he laughs. But then he realizes that Harold is actually dead and he feels a little bad about making that joke. Kevin's all, "What the fuck is going on here?" and Marvin yells "Why are your steps so fuckin' slippery?!" Kevin is confused, and still naked because he was in the middle of aunt-fucking, so Marvin takes this opportunity to grab Dead Harold's gun. He points it at Kevin and is like, "Your home killed my best friend... Now I'M gonna kill YOU. With my GUN." and he pulls the trigger. But the gun isn't loaded! Then Blind Aunt Felicia runs into the room and pleads "Please, don't kill my nephew!" And Marvin's like "He's your fuckin' nephew? But I just saw you two fuckin'! That's fuckin' fucked up, motherfucker!" Kevin is even more confused now, because a few minutes ago she said they weren't really related. In a shocking (but sexy) twist, Aunt F explains how that was a lie, and she just wanted to get revenge for the events of last October. Marvin takes out his phone and is like, "Hold on a second dawgs, I gotta Twitter this shit!"

Panicking, Kevin punches Marvin in the face, and he falls over, dropping his gun. Kevin picks it up and points it at Marvin, who's like "Hey aunt-fucker, that gun ain't even loaded!" So Kevin just starts pistol-whipping the shit out of Marvin until his face has been beaten to a bloody pulp. Blind Aunt Felicia is yelling "What the fuck is going on? Which one of you is getting beaten to death?!" But Kevin doesn't even answer. He just walks into the kitchen, grabs a knife, then comes back and stabs Blood-Related, Blind Aunt Felicia in the chest repeatedly, until she finally dies next to Harold and Marvin. So now Kevin is alone. In his home. Home: Alone.

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