Sunday, May 2, 2010

Iron Man 3: Weekend at Tony's

Iron Man (A.K.A. Tony Stark) returns home to his mansion after a long night of drinking and banging whores in space. He flies inside and turns on the lights to see that the whole gang is there - Pepper Potts, Jon Favreau, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Fury... even Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men. So Iron Man/Tony Stark is like "Hey guys what's up" and they tell him that this is an intervention, they're here to convince him to go to rehab. Tony's like "Fuck you guys, I don't have a problem" and he shoots a hole in the wall with an energy pulse or whatever the fuck he fires out of his hands. Pepper Potts is like "Look at yourself, Tony, you're disgusting. You haven't taken off that Iron Man suit in over six months." Tony picks up a bottle of Jack Daniels, smashes it over his own head and yells "I AM IRON MAN." Professor Xavier of the X-Men speaks up, "Listen, Tony... I know what you're going through. If it weren't for the joys of crack-cocaine, I never would have ended up in a wheelchair. But my super-friends convinced me to get help, and now I haven't touched the stuff since 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: A younger Professor Xavier and Samuel L. Fury are speeding through the city in a Delorean. Xavier is using his mutant abilities to make the cocaine float up into his nose, so he doesn't have to take this eyes off the road. Samuel L. Fury, who has two eyes, is like "Hey motherfucker, we can't all use telekinesis, pass me some a that shit bro" so Xavier takes his eyes off the road for a second to pass him some of that shit, when suddenly some kid on a bike rides in front of the car. Xavier slams on the breaks, but it's too late... Xavier runs the bike kid over, then flies through the windshield. Fury was wearing his seat belt, but the force of the impact was so strong that his eyeball flies out of its socket. Back in the present, Fury is now wearing an eye patch and he's like "and that's why Xavier and I have been sober for 25 years, and why we decided to dedicate our lives to fighting crime or something. I just wish we could go back and save that kid somehow... We never even found out what happened to him..." "Oh, I know what happened to him..." says Tony Stark, mysteriously...

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Tony Stark is riding his bike through the city. The bike is made if iron, this is some clever foreshadowing of Tony's destiny. He receives a phone call from his dad, Howard Stark, on his giant 1985 cell phone. Howard is like "Hello son, meet me at the Iron Factory. I have something important to tell you..." Teenage Tony is all "Okay, dad!" but the second he hangs up the phone, he is run over by the infamous Fury & Xavier in their Delorean. Back in the present, Tony tells everyone, "Because of that accident I never found out what my dad, Howard Stark, was going to tell me. He died under mysterious circumstances later that night. I had to grow a goatee to cover up my facial scars. And worst of all, while recovering in the hospital, I became addicted to morphine. This is all your fault, you old fucks!" Tony raises his iron fists of fury to destroy Fury & Xavier, but his loyal assistant Pepper Potts stops him. She's like "It's not all their fault Tony. There's something else you should know about the events of 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Pepper Potts is carrying a huge vat of oil across the street to her dad's garage. Her dad, Howard "Potsie" Potts, yells out to her, "Hey Pepper, be careful with that oil!" But then she trips and spills the oil all over the road. Potsie is like "You better clean that up, I have to meet Howard Stark at the Iron Factory, he has something important to tell me..." Pepper is all "Okay, dad!" but when she goes to get a mop, Xavier & Fury's Delorean drives over the oil slick and hits Teenage Tony on his bike. Xavier crashes through the windshield, and Fury gets out yelling "Where's my mothafuckin' eye?!?" but his eye is stuck in the oil on the road so he can't pick it up. Teenage Tony looks up from the ground at Teenage Pepper, and he's all "Help me... please..." Back in the present, Pepper finishes telling her story, "So that's why I became your assistant, Tony... To try and make up for what I did in 1985." Tony says nothing, so Pepper is like "Dammit, Tony, say something!" and she slaps him in his iron face of fury. Tony (who is still in the Iron Man suit) just falls over. Professor X uses his mind powers and deduces that Tony has suffered a stroke and fallen into a coma. The Iron Man suit is now the only thing that is keeping him alive.

Suddenly, Samuel L. Fury receives a phone call. The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. is coming over for a surprise inspection, and he demands to speak with Tony Stark! How is the gang gonna get outta this one?! Don Cheadle, who hasn't said anything until now, has an idea: "Hey Pepper, you went to Ventriloquist College, right?" "Well, yes," replies Pepper, curiously, "but what does that have to do with anything?" Cheadle explains, "All we have to do is sit Iron Man down in a chair and have you do his voice. You know Tony better than anyone, you must have perfected your Tony Stark impression by now. Go on, give it a shot!" So Pepper uses her powers of ventriloquism to make it seem like Tony is talking: "Hey everybody, my name is Tony and I'm a smug douche with a gay beard! Durrrrr!" Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony just had stroke and he's in a coma and can't hear them making fun of him.

Ten minutes later, the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives at the mansion and rings the doorbell. The gang has just finished setting everything up - Tony is in the Iron Man suit, sitting at the dinner table, Pepper is sitting next to him ready to do his voice, and Professor Xavier is up in the ceiling with a string tied to Tony's arm so he can make it look like his arm is moving. Pepper is about to let the President inside, but before she does, Fury warns her: "The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. wears a mask to conceal his identity. Whatever you do, do not ask him to reveal his secret identity..." After this bizarre warning, she lets the President inside and introduces him to Tony. Everything appears to be going according to plan... At one point the President is like, "Hey Mr. Stark, why don't you remove that iron mask and show me your pretty face" but Pepper-as-Tony just responds with "Hey, why don't you remove your mask!" And the President is like "Hah, I like this kid's moxy!" Pepper gives the thumbs up and winks at Fury because this ruse is going so well, but he only has one eye so he interprets the wink as some kind of weird insult.

The plan went off without a hitch, and now the President is leaving. He thanks Tony for his hospitality, and starts walking towards the door, but Pepper can't help herself. She has to ask him why we wears that stupid mask. Fury furiously shakes his fist of fury and says "Dammit, Potts, I told you not to mention that!" But the President is like, "It's okay, I suppose I can reveal my true identity to you, Pepper. I am, after all... your long-lost father." He takes off the mask to reveal that he is indeed Potsie Potts, whom Pepper hasn't seen since the events of 1985. Flashback to 1985: Potsie Potts arrives at Howard Stark's Iron Factory, to hear what Howard has to tell him that is apparently so important. Howard is like "I thought your daughter, Pepper, was coming" but Potsie explains that she had to clean up an oil slick. Tony also hasn't shown up, since (unbeknownst to Potsie & Howie) he was hit by a car, so Howard decides to tell him about his shocking discovery...

Howard shows Potsie some DNA tests which reveal that Tony is actually Potsie's son, and Pepper's half-brother. Potsie is shocked - "How is this possible???" "It's elementary, my dear Potsie," explains Howard, "because you fucked my wife." "Oh yeah," says Potsie. "Sorry about that broseph." Howard is okay with it, "Don't worry, buddy, I fucked your wife too." "You WHAT?" Potsie picks up a candlestick and beats Howard to death with it. Back in the present, Howard finishes explaining his half-true story. "So then Howard had a heart attack and died, it was pretty crazy you guys. And it was then that I decided to dedicate my life to becoming the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. It was the only way I could protect my two kids, who I love more than anything in the world." Pepper is disgusted, "Dad, you could've had told me about this 25 years ago... I've fucked my brother like a hundred times since then." "Yeah," says Potsie, lighting up a fat joint, "I sure am a sick fuck." Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony Stark had another stroke while all this was going on and now he's dead.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Up 2: Up Harder

Old Man is at his weekly Canasta game with some other old people, when an unexpected telegram arrives for him. He never gets any mail except from Fat Kid, and Fat Kid always uses a special envelope so Old Man knows it's not from him. Old Man puts on rubber gloves to open it, and carefully removes the letter from the envelope. Just as he suspected, it is a ransom note from a terrorist. Fat Kid has been Fat Kidnapped. The note says to fly 10,000 rubies to the top of the Eiffel Tower, or else they're going to throw Fat Kid to his death. These terrorists aren't fucking around. Old Man is so shocked by this terrorism that he has a heart attack. One Week Later... Old Man wakes up in the hospital. Some detectives are standing around him. They need to ask him a few questions, because Fat Kid has been missing for a week. Old Man is at the top of their list of suspects. Old Man is like "How could I have done anything, I've been in a coma for a week" and the police are like "Oh yeah. Never mind." And then they leave, embarrassed that they wasted a week waiting for this old guy to wake up.

After the police leave, Old Man remembers the ransom note from earlier. He realizes that there's no time to tell the police - he needs to get the top of the Eiffel Tower as soon as ASAP. He finds a scalpel and starts cutting into his leg. After he cuts it open we see that he has an emergency supply of balloons in there. He blows up all the balloons and ties them to the hospital, which then floats UP into the air and begins traveling to Paris. Hundreds of people die in the hospital but nobody can stop Old Man because he locked the door to his room. Later, in Paris, Old Man makes it to the Eiffel Tower and tries to land the hospital on top of it, but the tower is pointy so it cuts the building in half, killing everyone inside except for Old Man because he jumps out at the last second and lands on a platform at the top of the tower.

Old Man starts running around the tower, searching for Fat Kid and/or the terrorists. A French mime blocks Old Man's path and starts pulling an invisible rope, but Old Man doesn't have time for this bullshit so he beats the mime to death with his cane. But then he realizes that the mime was just trying to warn him, because there is a terrorist holding a rope standing right next to him, and he ties up Old Man and drags him into a trap door and then to a secret room inside the Eiffel Tower. Fat Kid is in there too, he's tied up with a bunch of terrorists standing around. The leader of the terrorists is like, "Thank you for coming, my old friend..." and he pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Doug the dog from the first movie. Old Man is like "Why did you do it, Doug? I thought you were cool." Doug is like "Shut up-a your face", when suddenly Fat Kid manages to eat through the duct tape covering his mouth. Fat Kid's giant tongue reaches out of his mouth, all the way across the room and licks the back of Doug's head. Some sparks fly out of Doug, and he falls to the floor in pain. A small computer chip falls off head, and Old Man realizes that this is what was controlling Doug the whole time. Fat Kid is like, "See, he's still cool. Good thing I short-circuited the chip with my giant tongue."

Later, Old Man and Fat Kid have escaped. They tied some balloons to the dead mime and are riding his corpse back home. Doug decided to stay in Paris, he couldn't face Old Man and Fat Kid after all the evil deeds he was forced to commit. Fat Kid is like "Thanks for saving me, Old Man, it ended up being easier than I expected!" Old Man replies, "Yes... a little TOO easy." Old Man turns up his hearing aid to the highest possible setting, and hears a ticking sound coming from inside Fat Kid's stomach. He then turns his glasses up to the highest X-Ray setting and sees that Fat Kid has a ticking time bomb inside him, and there's only five minutes left until it explodes. Old Man is faced with a difficult choice: Stay with Fat Kid and support him until he explodes, killing them both, or push Fat Kid off the floating mime so that Old Man can live to die another day. Fat Kid is like "Hey Mr. Old Man, I bought you this friendship bracelet while I was in France!" As soon as Fat Kid gives him the bracelet, Old Man pushes him off the floating mime to his death.

As Fat Kid falls through the air, and Old Man floats away on a French performance artist whom he earlier murdered, they each look back on their lives, thinking about any regrets they may have. Old Man flashes back to when he was a young Old Man, in Bomb Squad Academy. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Old Man! If you don't learn to defuse this bomb, then someday somebody you care about is going to explode! Is that what you want?" Meanwhile, Fat Kid flashes back to his time in Fat Camp. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Fat Kid! If you don't stop eating, then someday you're gonna eat something that's going to end your fat life! Something like a French time bomb, for example! Is that what you want? You want to eat a time bomb?" Fat Kid keeps falling, understanding that this is all his fault. Old Man keeps floating away, understanding that this is all Fat Kid's fault. Meanwhile, in Paris, Doug the dog can't live with the guilt of everything he's done. He puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Old Man returns to his retirement home and continues his Canasta game.

Avatar 2: Jake and the Giant Shark

Jake Sully and Neteryi are swimming in a river of Unobtanium. Jake is like "It's pretty cool how we preserved this river and brought peace to the planet of Pandora exactly one year ago, am I right?" Suddenly, Natyri gets shot in the neck with a poison dart, and Jake can't see where it came from so he grabs her and swims underwater where he attaches his hair tentacles to a fish so it helps him and Neteri swim away and they hide in a cave. Jake creates an antidote for the poison dart by combining Unobtanium minerals with fish feces, and saves Netyri from the posion. She's like "What the fuck", then she holds up the poison dart and discovers the words "Made in the U.S.A." printed on it. But she can't read English, so she asks Jake what is says and he lies and tells her it says "Made in Pandora". They bring the evidence back to the President of Pandora and deduce that there must be a traitor in their mist. Jake is like "Hey man there ain't no traitor in MY fist" and the President says "I said 'mist', not 'fist', clean the Unobtanium out of your pointy fucking ears" So Jake says "Okay I will" and he goes to the Presidential Bathroom to find some cue-tips or queue-tips or however it's spelled. But when he opens the medicine cabinet, all he discovers is a box of poison darts. Then he flashes back to earlier, and realizes that he saw the president shooting the dart into Netyri's neck.

Jake runs back to the President's office and kicks him out of the window with a spinning roundhouse kick. He falls 20 storey's down and is impaled on the horn of one of those fucked up animals. Jake shows Natiri the evidence that proves the Pandorian President was a traitor. She's like "what the fuck", and looks down at what he thinks are poison darts, but are in fact just a box of those ear-cleaning cotton bud things. That's when they realize that Jake swallowed too much Unobtanium earlier and now he's hallucinating. The Na'vi police come in to arrest him, but he's like "suck my dick" and he dives out the window and lands on that flying dragon thing and they fly away. The Chief of Pandora Police tells Netyri that it's up to her, she's the only one who can catch him now. So she dives out the window and lands on a flying seahorse and starts pursuing Jake through the Pandorian skies.

Eventually Netyri catches up to Jake when he stops for gas. She's like "what the fuck man" but he's still hallucinating like a motherfucker so he throws a boomerang at her and runs away up the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls. Netyri dodges the boomerang in Bullet Time but hesitates before continuing to pursue Jake Sully, because the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls is goddamn forbidden. But then she follows him anyway because what else is she going to do. She sees Jake swimming up a waterfall and lassos him with a tree vine. Jake pulls out his trusty pocket knife and cuts the vine off. But in his drug-addled state, he forgot that all the tree vines in Pandora are alive. The vine that he just sliced in half starts bleeding all over the place and crying for its mommy before it dies in Jake's hands. That tree vine was just one week away from retirement. Jake sees that there's no turning back now, and continues up the mountain. Netyri stops to have a funeral for the tree vine which takes like two hours so by the time she's done, Jake has gotten away.

Later, on the top of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, Jake Sully is trying to start a camp fire. But it's hard because there's so much water on the Mountain of Waterfalls. Also the water is alive and it starts talking to him. The talking waterfall tells Jake that there's a giant shark living up here in the Forbidden Mountain, and by coming up here, he has angered the shark. Now the shark is going to eat all of the Na'vi. So Jake is like "Dear Lord, what have I done?" and he takes a teleportation leaf out of his pocket and uses it to teleport back to Na'vi City. He tells the Mayor that somebody has angered The Giant Shark of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, and now it wants revenge. Everybody suddenly forgets that Jake killed the President earlier, and start panicking about how they're going to catch this shark. Suddenly, somebody scratches his fingernails across a blackboard. It's the evil Colonel who fought Jake a year ago. The Colonel is like "Y'all know me. Y'know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this fish for you, but it ain't gonna be easy." So the Colonel reveals his plan: He has created an Avatar of a shark that Jake Sully can use. Jake will pretend to be a shark, and convince the other shark not to attack the Na'village.

Jake becomes a shark, and just when the Giant Shark of Waterfall Mountain is about to attack the innocent Na'vi people, Jake is like "Hello, sir, my name is Jake. Jake Sharky. Please stop this senseless violence." Giant Shark is like "What do you mean 'sir'? Clearly I'm a beautiful woman." But to Jake the Shark, all sharks look alike. Jake realizes his racism, and apologizes to Giant Shark. Then they have shark sex under the stars, just when Netyri is returning to town. She sees the two sharks fucking and is like "That is some hot shark sex", not realizing that one of the sharks is her husband. After the sharks finish up, Giant Shark returns to her mountain, promising to leave the Na'vi in peace. She just needed to get laid. Jake tells her he'll call her when he gets home, but he doesn't. Nine months later, Giant Shark has a baby. It's half-shark, half-Na'vi, and half-human. She eats it immediately after giving birth.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Star Trek 2: The Legend of Sulu's Gold

The Enterprise crew is hanging out one night, play poker. Sulu is winning everybody's Space Credits, and they're all getting pissed off because they didn't expect Sulu to be so good at poker. After several hours of losing, Spock is like "This is illogical, Sulu must be cheating. He is a total cheater." The room goes silent, and Sulu immediately flips over the table and pulls out his gun. "Did you just call me... a cheetah?" Spock doesn't get why Sulu is making such a big deal about this until Kirk whispers to him, "Dude, don't you know that Sulu's whole family was killed by cheetahs?" Spock explains that he actually called him a cheater and not a cheetah, because clearly Sulu is human and not feline, but it's too late because Sulu has already run out of the room crying. Everyone is like "Smooth move, Vulcan" and they tell him to go apologize to Sulu. Spock is like "Fine, I'll go apologize right after I finish this delicious Klingon Juice." Uhura whispers to Spock, "You said you were going to stop drinking so much" and Spock totally snaps at her, "You said you were going to shut the fuck up and suck my dick" which makes things pretty awkward for everyone else in the room. Scotty is so uncomfortable that he beams himself out into space and dies.

Later, Spock drunkenly shows up at Sulu's quarters to apologize. Sulu doesn't open the door when he knocks, so Spock tries to kick it open, but since they're on a spaceship with electronic doors that slide open it doesn't work, even when he uses a Flying Vulcan Kick. So then Spock just smashes open the control panel and hacks into the door controls and forces it to open up. He is about to apologize to Sulu, but before he can an animal claw scratches him across his face. And not just any animal claw, the claw of a cheetah. And the cheetah is wearing Sulu's uniform. Spock is like "Oh my god, you ARE a cheetah!" and the cheetah knocks Spock down and runs away. Spock hits his head on Sulu's statue of Buddha and gets knocked out. The next morning, Spock wakes up in the medical bay and he's all "Sulu is literally a cheetah, he attacked me with his claws last night!" Nobody believes him, especially Bones who is like "I refuse to give medical treatment to this lying motherfucker." Sulu comes into the room and shows Spock an X-Ray that proves he isn't a cheetah. Then Kirk is like "See, old friend? That's why Vulcans shouldn't drink. You lightweight pussy douche." And they all laugh except Spock, as the camera slowly zooms in on Kirk's eye to reveal that he has the eye of the cheetah, the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival.

That night, the crew are playing poker again. Someone asks where Uhura is, and Spock explains, "She said she didn't want to be around me when I drink Klingon Juice. Chicks, right?" Meanwhile, Kirk is winning everyone's money tonight, which Spock finds highly suspicious. He logically deduces that the cheetah must have transferred from Sulu's body into Kirk's body. He shares this theory with the others and they're all "Okay, whatever Drunky, go back to Drunktown." Spock says he'll prove that Kirk is really a cheetah, and all of sudden he grabs Kirk and starts making out with him. Everyone in the room is like "what the fuuuuck" and Chekov beams himself into space to escape the awkwardness. He was already wearing a spacesuit, so he survives, unlike Scotty whose frozen corpse floats right past Chekov. Back at the poker table, Spock and Kirk finally stop making out and Spock yells, "See? That proves he's a goddamn cheetah! Look at him!" But Kirk just looks normal, and he throws his cards down on the table. He wins again, this time with two pairs, and Bones is like "Yeah, two pairs of Vulcan balls in your mouth" Then everyone laughs except for Spock who realizes that the joke is highly illogical since Vulcans only have three testicles.

After the homoerotic space poker tournament, Spock goes to Uhura's room to try and prove that he isn't gay for Kirk. But Uhura isn't there. It's the cheetah, back for revenge. The cheetah shoots a laser net out of its eyes, which traps Spock so he can't escape. Spock is all "Dammit, who ARE you?" and the cheetah finally explains... He is Cheetro, the shape-shifting cheetah from planet Cheeton, and he has come aboard the Starship Enterprise to beat everyone at poker and start a new race of Cheetah/Vulcan hybrids. They will be called Cheecans. "You'll never get away with this, Cheetro!" yells Spock, but Cheetro isn't worried. "Please, Mr. Spock. I'm not a Science Fiction villian. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I stole your semen 35 minutes ago." Spock is shocked: "So that was YOU jerking me off under the poker table! Damn you, Cheetro!"

"Anyways," says Cheetro, "Now that I've explained all that I just have to KILL YOU. Mwa ha ha ha!" Suddenly, Chekov crashes through the window on the back of Scotty's frozen corpse. Cheetro gets sucked into space but Spock is protected by the laser net. As Cheetro floats away he's like "Nooooo! Hoisted by my own petard!" Later that night, the Enterprise gang are all playing poker again, including Scotty, who Bones manged to resuscitate, but he still has severe brain damage from being in the vacuum of space for so long. Chekov keeps winning hand after hand, and Spock is once again suspicious, and is about to accuse Checkov of being a cheetah. But then he notices that he's actually reading a book called "How to Cheat at Poker, Vegas-Style." And Chekov pronounces it "Wegas-style". Everybody laughs at this, including Spock, because he is drunker than any Vulcan in the history of the universe. He has a serious drinking problem.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Frost/Nixon 2: Deep Freeze

We open in Frost's Lair, where the famous Mr. Frost sits on his gigantic Ice Throne, stroking his kitty, Princess Popsicle. A man with a bag over his head is dragged into the room by some of Frost's minions, then they pull the bag off to reveal that the man is Richard M. Nixon. Nixon is all beat up and is missing an arm for some reason. Frost is like "Hammer time!" then picks up an Ice Hammer and smashes it in Nixon's face. He's like "You thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you, Nixy-Boy?" Nixon doesn't say anything, he just spits blood at Frost. One of the minions breaks a stalagmite off the floor and holds it to Nixon's throat. "You want me to kill him now, boss?", he asks, but Frost calls him off. "No, this one's mine," says Frost, "I should've done this a long time ago..." He picks up his Radioactive Ice Gun and points it at Nixon. "Any last words, Chief?" he says, while loading a power crystal into the magnetic particle chamber. Nixon finally speaks: "Yeah, Frosty... I'll see you in Hell." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he aims the gun at Nixon's face and pulls the trigger.

48 HOURS EARLIER. Frost/Nixon are on Nixon's private yacht, sipping martinis and doing cocaine. Nixon is like "I'm sure glad we became friends after that interview a few years ago, Frosty" and Frost agrees, "Yeah me too, Dick, you sure know how to party!" Nixon puts down the cocaine bowl for a second and gets real: "Let's agree, that no matter what happens, we'll remain best BFF's forever." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he removes a switchblade from his pocket. Nixon's bodyguards are like "What the fuck" but Nixon tells them to stand down, because he trusts him. Frost cuts open his pinky finger and then does the same to Nixon. Then they suck each other's pinkys. The bodyguards are creeped out, because it's pretty weird. Frost is like "We are now Blood Brothers" and then they continue doing cocaine while some strippers come out and blow them.

Later that night, Frost/Nixon are still out at sea getting fucked up. Nixon's assistant (Kevin Bacon) comes over and he's like "It's time to go back, sir" and Nixon reluctantly agrees, "Okay, party pooper, let's turn this cocksucker around." Kevin Bacon turns the boat around and crashes right into a giant fucking iceberg, and the boat starts getting sucked into a whirlpool or something. Also a storm just started so it's really dramatic with lightning and shit. Kevin Bacon's like "Come on Mr. President, we have to get to the life boat!" But Nixon won't go because he's hanging on to Frost who has fallen over the edge of the boat and is getting sucked into the mystical iceberg whirlpool. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he yells "You have to let me go, old friend, save yourself!" and Nixon's like "No! Never! We are Blood Brothers!" Then out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon cuts off Nixon's arm with a chainsaw, forcing him to let go of Frost, who falls to his supposed death under the sea. Nixon is like "NOOOOOOOOO" but Kevin Bacon says he did it for his own good. After crying for a minute, Nixon says he understands. Then he pulls out Frost's switchblade and stabs Kevin Bacon in the neck. He throws Bacon into the sea and then gets into the life boat and drives away from this clusterfuck by himself, leaving all the bodyguards and strippers behind.

Frost wakes up under the sea, in a mystical ice cave, surprised to find out that he's alive. Kevin Bacon is there too, but he's bleeding all over the place. Frost notices that he has been stabbed in the neck with the switchblade that he (Frost) gave to his Blood Brother (Nixon) earlier. He's like "Why would my Blood Brother do this to you?" And then Kevin Bacon reveals the shocking truth... this whole thing was part of Nixon's plan to kill Frost. But Kevin Bacon being killed wasn't part of the plan, so that's why he's like "fuck Nixon" now. Then Kevin Bacon dies. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he holds Kevin Bacon in his arms. "I can't believe my Blood Brother would betray me like this. I will avenge your death, Kevin Bacon... Mark my words, Mr. Frost will have his revenge."

Now we're back in the first scene, after Frost has captured Nixon and had his minions drag him into the Ice Cave. He holds up the Ice Cannon and pulls the trigger. But then it is revealed that he didn't shoot Nixon at all, he actually shot all of his minions. It only took one shot to kill all of them because this Ice Gun uses special power crystals from the planet Jupiter. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he tosses the gun aside. Nixon is like "Why didn't you kill me, Frosty?" Frost sits down in his Ice Throne and sighs, "I can't do it, old chum... You're my Blood Brother." Suddenly, Kevin Bacon crawls out from behind the throne, covered in blood. Turns out he actually didn't die yet. He points a gun at Nixon and says, "I ain't nobody's fuckin' Blood Brother" then he fires at the former President. Frost is like "Nooooooooooooo" and jumps in front of Nixon in slow motion, taking the bullet for him. Kevin Bacon's like "Dammit" because he only had one bullet. Then Kevin Bacon dies.

A single tear rolls down Nixon's cheek as he cradles Frost in his arm (because he only has one, remember). "It's all gonna be okay, Frosty," cries Nixon, "It's all going to be okay..." but the bullet hit Frost right in the fucking brain, so he's already dead. "I'll never forget you, Blood Brother..." Nixon sucks on Frost's pinky one last time. Suddenly, one of Frost's Ice Minions walks into the cave, all "Sorry I'm late" and sees that every other minion is dead, and one-armed Former President Richard Nixon is kneeling on the floor with dead David Frost's pinky finger in his mouth, crying like a baby. The minion is like, "This is too fucked up" and just shoots himself in the face. ONE WEEK LATER... Nixon returns home to his golden mansion. He goes over the fireplace and looks at a photo of him and Frost doing cocaine and fucking strippers, and smiles, remembering the good times. Then, out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon walks in from another room with bags on his feet like Mark Whalberg in The Departed. He shoots Nixon in the head and his body falls into the fireplace. Kevin Bacon lights him on fire, then he sits down in Nixon's chair and dies.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Phone Booth II: Call WEIGHTing

Colin Farrell is riding to his house on a motor scooter, carrying several boxes of jelly donuts. He has gotten really fat since the events of Phone Booth I, and now he only leaves the house to get food. He drives past an alley and hears a woman screaming for help. Hesitantly, Colin stops his scooter and peeks around the corner, and witnesses a gang member about to rape the woman. Colin throws a donut at the rapist and then Rapey gets scared and runs away. But he's already stabbed the woman in the arm so she needs medical assistance. Colin takes out his mobile phone to call 911, but he can't get a signal in that area. But there is a phone booth right next to the alley. Colin could either use that phone booth, or let the innocent woman die. Colin starts crying, "Sorry, lady, I can't do it" and speeds away. Cut to later, Colin is sitting on his bed naked, eating donut after donut, and watching the news. That woman in the alley died, and now police are on the lookout for a fat donut-eating fuck on a scooter, who was witnessed crying and eating donuts at the scene.

Fat Colin Farrell rides his scooter down the police station to turn himself in, and he is arrested and sent to prison. The prison guard is like "Okay, tubby, here's your cellmate... this guy's a real sick fuck, just like you." and the cellmate turns around to reveal that he is Kiefer Sutherland, the infamous Phone Booth Killer. Kiefer's like "I call top bunk" and Colin starts screaming. Kiefer calms him down, explaining that his Phone Booth Killing days are over, and that he confessed his crimes so that he could turn over a new leaf. Then he gives Colin a donut. Later that night, Colin wakes up and sees Kiefer digging a hole in the wall with a spoon. During the day, the hole is covered by a poster of Zac Efron. Colin's like "What the fuck are you doing, Keefs" and Kiefer quickly puts his hand over Colin's mouth and holds the spoon to his throat. "I'm escaping, lardo. I've been planning this for months, and you're the final part of the plan..." Colin doesn't understand, and Kiefer's like "Remember that donut you ate earlier?" We see a flashback to when he gave him the donut, and a close-up reveals that it's not really a donut at all, it's a piece of the prison cell wall, covered in sprinkles. Kiefer is going to escape by digging away the wall and feeding the pieces to Colin Farrel so the guards won't suspect a thing.

The next day in the lunch line, some guy tries to shiv Colin Farrell because his morbid obesity offends him. But Kiefer defends Colin by blocking the dude's shiv with a lunch tray and then decapitating him. Then he takes that dude's lunch and gives it to Colin, so now Colin has two lunches. Colin is like "Thanks, man." "No problem, pal," says Kiefer, "Just make sure you save room for that cement wall I'm digging out later tonight." The Prison Snitch overhears this, and runs to tell the Warden. The Warden is like "That's fucking stupid" and puts the snitch in The Hole for lying. Later that night, Kiefer Sutherland is romantically feeding Colin Farrell pieces of the cell wall. Then they hear a guard coming, so Kiefer's like "Quick, pretend we're making out" so they start making out and the guard sees them and is like "Yep, nothing suspicious going on here." After the guard leaves, Kiefer's like "Your breath tastes like cement, you disgusting fat piece of shit."

The following morning, Kiefer and Colin wake up after a night of hot, steamy lovemaking. Colin is lying on top of Kiefer and he's like "I see now why they call you the Phone Booth Killer. And by 'Phone' I mean 'Fat' and by 'Booth' I mean 'Cock' and by 'Killer' I mean 'Sucker'." Kiefer doesn't respond. Colin continues talking, "Anyways, I'm almost done eating that wall, so tonight we escape, buddy." Kiefer still says nothing, and that's when Colin realizes that he tragically crushed him to death under his fat, cement-filled body. Colin's like "Noooooooooo" and crawls into the hole in the wall and eats the rest of the way out. He then waddles his way to the prison fence and starts climbing it. But the fence is electrified, and it fries the shit out of Colin, causing him to explode. Pieces of blubber and cement rain down all over the prison, killing dozens of innocent prisoners. Later, a doctor is doing an autopsy of Kiefer Sutherand. His finishes up his report, "If only the fat guy didn't eat all that cement, these two homos could've fucked all night long and lived happily ever after."

Friday, August 7, 2009

Ferris Bueller's Night Off

Ferris Bueller is now a security guard, working the night shift at a history museum. One night, his boss calls him and he's like "Bueller, I need you to work one hour longer tonight. And make sure nobody steals the Diamond of Hope, because the Vice President of Egypt is coming in tomorrow to check it out." One hour longer? You think Ferris Bueller is going to stand for that? Hell no, he's taking the night off. Ferris sets up a tape recorder and a mannequin in a security guard outfit at the front desk, then gets ready to hit the town. On the way out, he calls his buddy Cameron. Ferris is like "Hey man, we need to borrow your dad's car again." Cameron's like "Ferris, it's 1:30 AM, what the fuck? We're 45 years old. We have our own cars." Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so tight, that if you stuck the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the Vice President of Egypt would be happy because it'd just make the Diamond more valuable." Cameron's like "What? That doesn't even make sense. Now stop calling me, I have to take my daughter to ballet practice in the morning." Ferris is like "See you in 10 minutes", and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, Ed Rooney has been watching all this from the bushes and taking notes. He doesn't have any reason to be following Ferris, he's just a crazy old lunatic.

Cameron is getting dressed to go out with Ferris. Mrs. Cameron isn't too happy about this, because she thinks Ferris is a bad influence on him, but Cameron promises he'll only be gone for like half an hour. Boy, is he wrong. Dead wrong. Cameron goes outside, and Ferris is already in his car. He's like "Hey man, I just hot-wired your dad's Ferrari!" Cameron's like "That's my Ferrari! I saved my money for 20 years to buy it!" Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so fucking tight, that if he ate the Diamond of Hope, he'd shit out 25 mini-Diamonds of Hope, and personally save Egypt's economy. The Vice President of Egypt would make him an honorary Egyptian." Cameron's like "I'm not that tight. Who are you even talking to?" Meanwhile, Crazy Ed Rooney is still watching from the bushes. He makes a phone call to Ferris's Sister and tells her that her brother isn't really sick at all, he's just skipping work. She threatens to call the police if he ever calls her again, and hangs up on him. Rooney cries.

Ferris and Cameron are driving to the city in Cameron's Ferrari. That "BOMP BOMP chick-chicka" song is playing. Ferris is like, "Here's the plan, we're gonna call my girlfriend, Sloane Peterson, and you're gonna pretend to be her dad so we can get her out of work." Cameron gets all serious and he's like, "Dude... Sloane died of a drug overdose 12 years ago." Ferris looks at the camera and says, "Cameron is so motherfucking tight, that if the Vice President of Egypt stuck his hand up his ass to search for the Diamond of Hope, his Egyptian hand would get stuck in there and they'd have to amputate it. Then the Vice President of Egypt would only have one hand." Cameron is speechless. Ferris stops the car outside a strip club, and gives Cameron his phone. "This is where she works. Now call her up and pretend to be George Peterson." Also, Ed Rooney has strapped himself to the bottom of the car like in Cape Fear or whatever. But the car went ever a speed bump on the way to the strip club and knocked Rooney unconscious. He might have brain damage.

Meanwhile, back at the museum, a pair of masked diamond thieves are about to break in by cutting a hole in the glass. But when they try to cut into it with their special laser, it sets off Ferris's tape recorder/mannequin contraption, and the mannequin points a flashlight at the thieves and says "Who goes there?" Then the tape rewinds itself because that's the only phrase Ferris recorded. The thieves are like "Holy shit, the Vice President of Egypt can keep his stupid diamond! Let's get outta here!" and they run away.

Cameron calls the strip club and tells the manager that he wants to speak to his daughter, Sloane. The manager's like "Okay, she gets off stage in 5 minutes." 5 minutes later, Sloane picks up the phone, all "Daddy, is it really you?" It isn't the real Sloane, it's a stripper who happens to be named Sloane. Her father abandoned her when she was 8 years old, and she's been waiting for this phone call ever since. But Cameron isn't really her father, and when she comes outside and sees Ferris sitting there, she's like "You again? I told you to leave me the fuck alone!" A bouncer comes out of the club and he's like "Is there a problem here?" and Sloane tells him that these two cocksuckers are harassing her, so the bouncer grabs Cameron and punches him several times in the face. He then kicks Ferris in the chest, breaking two of his ribs, and makes him bite the curb. Just then, Ed Rooney jumps out of the shadows and points a gun at the bouncer. He's like "Let him go, motherfucker. This one's mine..."

Later, Ferris and Cameron are being driven home by Rooney in the Ferrari. Ferris is like "Thanks for your help back there, Mr. Rooney. You saved both our asses." Rooney's like "Speaking of asses, Cameron is so tight, that if we were in the Bizarro Universe and you shoved the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the diamond would turn into coal, because we're in the Bizarro Universe and things are backwards." Ferris smiles, "Yeah, I said the same thing earlier! You're alright, Rooney. You're alright." Ferris and Rooney both laugh, while Cameron cries in the back seat. After Ferris & Rooney drop Cameron off at home, Cameron packs up all of his family's shit so they can movie far away from this town. Ferris & Rooney steal Cameron's Ferrari, but Cameron doesn't say anything, he just wants to get rid of them. Ferris gets back to the museum just before the Vice President of Egypt shows up to view the Diamond of Hope. He and Rooney shake hands, then Rooney walks into the bushes and fades away, his work here is done. Ferris puts his security guard uniform back on and sits down at the front desk. He smiles at the camera, then coughs up some blood because he got the shit kicked out him a few hours ago and is still bleeding internally. Chick-chickaaa.