Monday, March 16, 2009

Deliverance II: Special Delivery

One year after the events of Deliverance, Jon Voight is chillin' in his crib, smoking a joint, when suddenly he hears the sweet sound of Dueling Banjos. Only it doesn't sound sweet to him, it just reminds him of when his fat friend was raped by hillbillies and how he and Burt Reynolds killed them and buried the evidence. So he's terrified, thinking "Holy shit, those inbred fuckers have tracked me down" But really, it's just his two kids playing banjos. Mrs. Jon Voight is like "I bought the kids a couple of banjos for Christmas! Isn't that great?" because Jon never told her about the Banjo Rape, so she doesn't know that it actually ISN'T great. So Jon is watching his kids banjo-playing, and from his point of view it's like they're morphing into hillbilly rapists or something. He's about to take the banjos away from them so he can burn them (the banjos, not the kids) when there's a knock at the door. Jon Voight LITERALLY shits himself at that moment. Then, after he changes his pants, he opens the door to see Burt Reynolds. It's the first time they've met since all that shit went down last year. Burt is like "What's up buddy, wanna go on a canoeing trip?"

"You're fucking crazy Burt Reynolds," says Jon Voight. "I'm never going near a canoe again, not after last time." Burt's like "Come on, it's been a year. Stop bein' a pussy. What are the odds that the same shit could happen to the same guys twice?" Burt goes on to explain that he's now working as a Special Delivery Man, and he has to deliver a Special Package to the King of Redneck Falls. Jon Voight still doesn't want to go, so Burt explains that now he always wears full body armour while canoeing and also carries several weapons including ninja stars and rocket launcher. So it will be a perfectly safe trip. Jon looks back at his wife and kids... The kids are playing banjos, and then his wife joins in with her own banjo so now there's three fucking banjos. Then Jon Voight decides to go with Burt Reynolds. "But if I hear even one banjo, I'm going to start blindly firing an AK-47 in every direction." So then they leave, and start canoeing their way to Redneck Falls.

So now they're in the canoe, and Burt Reynolds is all "Not far now until we get to Redneck Hills!" and Jon Voight's like "Hey I thought you said it was Redneck FALLS" and Reynolds realizes he fucked up. He's acting pretty weird. Then, a little later, Voight realizes that all of the weapons they brought are made of plastic. "Not ALL of them..." Says Reynolds, and he points a gun at Voight. Voight's like "What the fuck man" and Reynolds says he knows that Jon's been talking to the FBI. "I know you've been trying to set me up; make it look like I raped Bobby and killed all those hillbillies..." Jon swears he'd never do that, but then Burt rips open Jon's shirt and reveals that he's wearing a wire. "I'm sorry, Burt Reynolds, I had to do it to save my wife and kids..." cries Jon Voight. But Burt doesn't give a FUCK. He's had enough of this shit. "I loved you like a brother, Jon Voight, and you betrayed me..." he says. "And now, before I kill you, I'm going to play you a little song on this banjo." But before he can play anything, he's hit in the neck by a tranquilizer dart. Jon Voight looks to see who shot him, and sees a hillbilly with a sniper rifle.

Jon Voight goes over to the Casper the Friendly Hillbilly and thanks him for saving his life. Then Jon realizes that all this time, he's been scared of hillbillies, when actually they were just as scared of him as he was of them, or some shit. Then Casper says, "Now that I've done something for you, you gotta do something for me! Heh heh heh..." Then cut to later, and Jon Voight is painting Casper's fence. "Thanks for painting my fence," says Casper, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass." But he's just kidding. He doesn't really fuck him in the ass. Because while Jon was painting the fence, Casper picked up the unconscious Burt Reynolds and carried him back to his Rape Shack, so he's got all the ass-fucking he needs. Jon Voight returns to his family, and thanks to this important lesson he learned, he's not bothered by the banjos anymore. So he gets his own banjo, and the Voight Family forms an all-banjo band. Meanwhile, Burt Reynolds is still getting fucked in the ass by Hillbilly Casper. Oh well. But The Voight Banjo Band becomes famous and their new album goes double-platinum. Jon dedicates the album to his old friend Burt, but Burt's still getting fucked in the ass so he doesn't even hear the album.

2 comments: