Sunday, May 2, 2010

Iron Man 3: Weekend at Tony's

Iron Man (A.K.A. Tony Stark) returns home to his mansion after a long night of drinking and banging whores in space. He flies inside and turns on the lights to see that the whole gang is there - Pepper Potts, Jon Favreau, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Fury... even Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men. So Iron Man/Tony Stark is like "Hey guys what's up" and they tell him that this is an intervention, they're here to convince him to go to rehab. Tony's like "Fuck you guys, I don't have a problem" and he shoots a hole in the wall with an energy pulse or whatever the fuck he fires out of his hands. Pepper Potts is like "Look at yourself, Tony, you're disgusting. You haven't taken off that Iron Man suit in over six months." Tony picks up a bottle of Jack Daniels, smashes it over his own head and yells "I AM IRON MAN." Professor Xavier of the X-Men speaks up, "Listen, Tony... I know what you're going through. If it weren't for the joys of crack-cocaine, I never would have ended up in a wheelchair. But my super-friends convinced me to get help, and now I haven't touched the stuff since 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: A younger Professor Xavier and Samuel L. Fury are speeding through the city in a Delorean. Xavier is using his mutant abilities to make the cocaine float up into his nose, so he doesn't have to take this eyes off the road. Samuel L. Fury, who has two eyes, is like "Hey motherfucker, we can't all use telekinesis, pass me some a that shit bro" so Xavier takes his eyes off the road for a second to pass him some of that shit, when suddenly some kid on a bike rides in front of the car. Xavier slams on the breaks, but it's too late... Xavier runs the bike kid over, then flies through the windshield. Fury was wearing his seat belt, but the force of the impact was so strong that his eyeball flies out of its socket. Back in the present, Fury is now wearing an eye patch and he's like "and that's why Xavier and I have been sober for 25 years, and why we decided to dedicate our lives to fighting crime or something. I just wish we could go back and save that kid somehow... We never even found out what happened to him..." "Oh, I know what happened to him..." says Tony Stark, mysteriously...

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Tony Stark is riding his bike through the city. The bike is made if iron, this is some clever foreshadowing of Tony's destiny. He receives a phone call from his dad, Howard Stark, on his giant 1985 cell phone. Howard is like "Hello son, meet me at the Iron Factory. I have something important to tell you..." Teenage Tony is all "Okay, dad!" but the second he hangs up the phone, he is run over by the infamous Fury & Xavier in their Delorean. Back in the present, Tony tells everyone, "Because of that accident I never found out what my dad, Howard Stark, was going to tell me. He died under mysterious circumstances later that night. I had to grow a goatee to cover up my facial scars. And worst of all, while recovering in the hospital, I became addicted to morphine. This is all your fault, you old fucks!" Tony raises his iron fists of fury to destroy Fury & Xavier, but his loyal assistant Pepper Potts stops him. She's like "It's not all their fault Tony. There's something else you should know about the events of 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Pepper Potts is carrying a huge vat of oil across the street to her dad's garage. Her dad, Howard "Potsie" Potts, yells out to her, "Hey Pepper, be careful with that oil!" But then she trips and spills the oil all over the road. Potsie is like "You better clean that up, I have to meet Howard Stark at the Iron Factory, he has something important to tell me..." Pepper is all "Okay, dad!" but when she goes to get a mop, Xavier & Fury's Delorean drives over the oil slick and hits Teenage Tony on his bike. Xavier crashes through the windshield, and Fury gets out yelling "Where's my mothafuckin' eye?!?" but his eye is stuck in the oil on the road so he can't pick it up. Teenage Tony looks up from the ground at Teenage Pepper, and he's all "Help me... please..." Back in the present, Pepper finishes telling her story, "So that's why I became your assistant, Tony... To try and make up for what I did in 1985." Tony says nothing, so Pepper is like "Dammit, Tony, say something!" and she slaps him in his iron face of fury. Tony (who is still in the Iron Man suit) just falls over. Professor X uses his mind powers and deduces that Tony has suffered a stroke and fallen into a coma. The Iron Man suit is now the only thing that is keeping him alive.

Suddenly, Samuel L. Fury receives a phone call. The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. is coming over for a surprise inspection, and he demands to speak with Tony Stark! How is the gang gonna get outta this one?! Don Cheadle, who hasn't said anything until now, has an idea: "Hey Pepper, you went to Ventriloquist College, right?" "Well, yes," replies Pepper, curiously, "but what does that have to do with anything?" Cheadle explains, "All we have to do is sit Iron Man down in a chair and have you do his voice. You know Tony better than anyone, you must have perfected your Tony Stark impression by now. Go on, give it a shot!" So Pepper uses her powers of ventriloquism to make it seem like Tony is talking: "Hey everybody, my name is Tony and I'm a smug douche with a gay beard! Durrrrr!" Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony just had stroke and he's in a coma and can't hear them making fun of him.

Ten minutes later, the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives at the mansion and rings the doorbell. The gang has just finished setting everything up - Tony is in the Iron Man suit, sitting at the dinner table, Pepper is sitting next to him ready to do his voice, and Professor Xavier is up in the ceiling with a string tied to Tony's arm so he can make it look like his arm is moving. Pepper is about to let the President inside, but before she does, Fury warns her: "The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. wears a mask to conceal his identity. Whatever you do, do not ask him to reveal his secret identity..." After this bizarre warning, she lets the President inside and introduces him to Tony. Everything appears to be going according to plan... At one point the President is like, "Hey Mr. Stark, why don't you remove that iron mask and show me your pretty face" but Pepper-as-Tony just responds with "Hey, why don't you remove your mask!" And the President is like "Hah, I like this kid's moxy!" Pepper gives the thumbs up and winks at Fury because this ruse is going so well, but he only has one eye so he interprets the wink as some kind of weird insult.

The plan went off without a hitch, and now the President is leaving. He thanks Tony for his hospitality, and starts walking towards the door, but Pepper can't help herself. She has to ask him why we wears that stupid mask. Fury furiously shakes his fist of fury and says "Dammit, Potts, I told you not to mention that!" But the President is like, "It's okay, I suppose I can reveal my true identity to you, Pepper. I am, after all... your long-lost father." He takes off the mask to reveal that he is indeed Potsie Potts, whom Pepper hasn't seen since the events of 1985. Flashback to 1985: Potsie Potts arrives at Howard Stark's Iron Factory, to hear what Howard has to tell him that is apparently so important. Howard is like "I thought your daughter, Pepper, was coming" but Potsie explains that she had to clean up an oil slick. Tony also hasn't shown up, since (unbeknownst to Potsie & Howie) he was hit by a car, so Howard decides to tell him about his shocking discovery...

Howard shows Potsie some DNA tests which reveal that Tony is actually Potsie's son, and Pepper's half-brother. Potsie is shocked - "How is this possible???" "It's elementary, my dear Potsie," explains Howard, "because you fucked my wife." "Oh yeah," says Potsie. "Sorry about that broseph." Howard is okay with it, "Don't worry, buddy, I fucked your wife too." "You WHAT?" Potsie picks up a candlestick and beats Howard to death with it. Back in the present, Howard finishes explaining his half-true story. "So then Howard had a heart attack and died, it was pretty crazy you guys. And it was then that I decided to dedicate my life to becoming the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. It was the only way I could protect my two kids, who I love more than anything in the world." Pepper is disgusted, "Dad, you could've had told me about this 25 years ago... I've fucked my brother like a hundred times since then." "Yeah," says Potsie, lighting up a fat joint, "I sure am a sick fuck." Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony Stark had another stroke while all this was going on and now he's dead.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Up 2: Up Harder

Old Man is at his weekly Canasta game with some other old people, when an unexpected telegram arrives for him. He never gets any mail except from Fat Kid, and Fat Kid always uses a special envelope so Old Man knows it's not from him. Old Man puts on rubber gloves to open it, and carefully removes the letter from the envelope. Just as he suspected, it is a ransom note from a terrorist. Fat Kid has been Fat Kidnapped. The note says to fly 10,000 rubies to the top of the Eiffel Tower, or else they're going to throw Fat Kid to his death. These terrorists aren't fucking around. Old Man is so shocked by this terrorism that he has a heart attack. One Week Later... Old Man wakes up in the hospital. Some detectives are standing around him. They need to ask him a few questions, because Fat Kid has been missing for a week. Old Man is at the top of their list of suspects. Old Man is like "How could I have done anything, I've been in a coma for a week" and the police are like "Oh yeah. Never mind." And then they leave, embarrassed that they wasted a week waiting for this old guy to wake up.

After the police leave, Old Man remembers the ransom note from earlier. He realizes that there's no time to tell the police - he needs to get the top of the Eiffel Tower as soon as ASAP. He finds a scalpel and starts cutting into his leg. After he cuts it open we see that he has an emergency supply of balloons in there. He blows up all the balloons and ties them to the hospital, which then floats UP into the air and begins traveling to Paris. Hundreds of people die in the hospital but nobody can stop Old Man because he locked the door to his room. Later, in Paris, Old Man makes it to the Eiffel Tower and tries to land the hospital on top of it, but the tower is pointy so it cuts the building in half, killing everyone inside except for Old Man because he jumps out at the last second and lands on a platform at the top of the tower.

Old Man starts running around the tower, searching for Fat Kid and/or the terrorists. A French mime blocks Old Man's path and starts pulling an invisible rope, but Old Man doesn't have time for this bullshit so he beats the mime to death with his cane. But then he realizes that the mime was just trying to warn him, because there is a terrorist holding a rope standing right next to him, and he ties up Old Man and drags him into a trap door and then to a secret room inside the Eiffel Tower. Fat Kid is in there too, he's tied up with a bunch of terrorists standing around. The leader of the terrorists is like, "Thank you for coming, my old friend..." and he pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Doug the dog from the first movie. Old Man is like "Why did you do it, Doug? I thought you were cool." Doug is like "Shut up-a your face", when suddenly Fat Kid manages to eat through the duct tape covering his mouth. Fat Kid's giant tongue reaches out of his mouth, all the way across the room and licks the back of Doug's head. Some sparks fly out of Doug, and he falls to the floor in pain. A small computer chip falls off head, and Old Man realizes that this is what was controlling Doug the whole time. Fat Kid is like, "See, he's still cool. Good thing I short-circuited the chip with my giant tongue."

Later, Old Man and Fat Kid have escaped. They tied some balloons to the dead mime and are riding his corpse back home. Doug decided to stay in Paris, he couldn't face Old Man and Fat Kid after all the evil deeds he was forced to commit. Fat Kid is like "Thanks for saving me, Old Man, it ended up being easier than I expected!" Old Man replies, "Yes... a little TOO easy." Old Man turns up his hearing aid to the highest possible setting, and hears a ticking sound coming from inside Fat Kid's stomach. He then turns his glasses up to the highest X-Ray setting and sees that Fat Kid has a ticking time bomb inside him, and there's only five minutes left until it explodes. Old Man is faced with a difficult choice: Stay with Fat Kid and support him until he explodes, killing them both, or push Fat Kid off the floating mime so that Old Man can live to die another day. Fat Kid is like "Hey Mr. Old Man, I bought you this friendship bracelet while I was in France!" As soon as Fat Kid gives him the bracelet, Old Man pushes him off the floating mime to his death.

As Fat Kid falls through the air, and Old Man floats away on a French performance artist whom he earlier murdered, they each look back on their lives, thinking about any regrets they may have. Old Man flashes back to when he was a young Old Man, in Bomb Squad Academy. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Old Man! If you don't learn to defuse this bomb, then someday somebody you care about is going to explode! Is that what you want?" Meanwhile, Fat Kid flashes back to his time in Fat Camp. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Fat Kid! If you don't stop eating, then someday you're gonna eat something that's going to end your fat life! Something like a French time bomb, for example! Is that what you want? You want to eat a time bomb?" Fat Kid keeps falling, understanding that this is all his fault. Old Man keeps floating away, understanding that this is all Fat Kid's fault. Meanwhile, in Paris, Doug the dog can't live with the guilt of everything he's done. He puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Old Man returns to his retirement home and continues his Canasta game.

Avatar 2: Jake and the Giant Shark

Jake Sully and Neteryi are swimming in a river of Unobtanium. Jake is like "It's pretty cool how we preserved this river and brought peace to the planet of Pandora exactly one year ago, am I right?" Suddenly, Natyri gets shot in the neck with a poison dart, and Jake can't see where it came from so he grabs her and swims underwater where he attaches his hair tentacles to a fish so it helps him and Neteri swim away and they hide in a cave. Jake creates an antidote for the poison dart by combining Unobtanium minerals with fish feces, and saves Netyri from the posion. She's like "What the fuck", then she holds up the poison dart and discovers the words "Made in the U.S.A." printed on it. But she can't read English, so she asks Jake what is says and he lies and tells her it says "Made in Pandora". They bring the evidence back to the President of Pandora and deduce that there must be a traitor in their mist. Jake is like "Hey man there ain't no traitor in MY fist" and the President says "I said 'mist', not 'fist', clean the Unobtanium out of your pointy fucking ears" So Jake says "Okay I will" and he goes to the Presidential Bathroom to find some cue-tips or queue-tips or however it's spelled. But when he opens the medicine cabinet, all he discovers is a box of poison darts. Then he flashes back to earlier, and realizes that he saw the president shooting the dart into Netyri's neck.

Jake runs back to the President's office and kicks him out of the window with a spinning roundhouse kick. He falls 20 storey's down and is impaled on the horn of one of those fucked up animals. Jake shows Natiri the evidence that proves the Pandorian President was a traitor. She's like "what the fuck", and looks down at what he thinks are poison darts, but are in fact just a box of those ear-cleaning cotton bud things. That's when they realize that Jake swallowed too much Unobtanium earlier and now he's hallucinating. The Na'vi police come in to arrest him, but he's like "suck my dick" and he dives out the window and lands on that flying dragon thing and they fly away. The Chief of Pandora Police tells Netyri that it's up to her, she's the only one who can catch him now. So she dives out the window and lands on a flying seahorse and starts pursuing Jake through the Pandorian skies.

Eventually Netyri catches up to Jake when he stops for gas. She's like "what the fuck man" but he's still hallucinating like a motherfucker so he throws a boomerang at her and runs away up the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls. Netyri dodges the boomerang in Bullet Time but hesitates before continuing to pursue Jake Sully, because the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls is goddamn forbidden. But then she follows him anyway because what else is she going to do. She sees Jake swimming up a waterfall and lassos him with a tree vine. Jake pulls out his trusty pocket knife and cuts the vine off. But in his drug-addled state, he forgot that all the tree vines in Pandora are alive. The vine that he just sliced in half starts bleeding all over the place and crying for its mommy before it dies in Jake's hands. That tree vine was just one week away from retirement. Jake sees that there's no turning back now, and continues up the mountain. Netyri stops to have a funeral for the tree vine which takes like two hours so by the time she's done, Jake has gotten away.

Later, on the top of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, Jake Sully is trying to start a camp fire. But it's hard because there's so much water on the Mountain of Waterfalls. Also the water is alive and it starts talking to him. The talking waterfall tells Jake that there's a giant shark living up here in the Forbidden Mountain, and by coming up here, he has angered the shark. Now the shark is going to eat all of the Na'vi. So Jake is like "Dear Lord, what have I done?" and he takes a teleportation leaf out of his pocket and uses it to teleport back to Na'vi City. He tells the Mayor that somebody has angered The Giant Shark of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, and now it wants revenge. Everybody suddenly forgets that Jake killed the President earlier, and start panicking about how they're going to catch this shark. Suddenly, somebody scratches his fingernails across a blackboard. It's the evil Colonel who fought Jake a year ago. The Colonel is like "Y'all know me. Y'know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this fish for you, but it ain't gonna be easy." So the Colonel reveals his plan: He has created an Avatar of a shark that Jake Sully can use. Jake will pretend to be a shark, and convince the other shark not to attack the Na'village.

Jake becomes a shark, and just when the Giant Shark of Waterfall Mountain is about to attack the innocent Na'vi people, Jake is like "Hello, sir, my name is Jake. Jake Sharky. Please stop this senseless violence." Giant Shark is like "What do you mean 'sir'? Clearly I'm a beautiful woman." But to Jake the Shark, all sharks look alike. Jake realizes his racism, and apologizes to Giant Shark. Then they have shark sex under the stars, just when Netyri is returning to town. She sees the two sharks fucking and is like "That is some hot shark sex", not realizing that one of the sharks is her husband. After the sharks finish up, Giant Shark returns to her mountain, promising to leave the Na'vi in peace. She just needed to get laid. Jake tells her he'll call her when he gets home, but he doesn't. Nine months later, Giant Shark has a baby. It's half-shark, half-Na'vi, and half-human. She eats it immediately after giving birth.