Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Faster & Furiouser: 5 Fast 5 Furious: The Sandwich Technique

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are now roommates for some reason. One day Walker comes home from working at the FBI and Diesel is on the couch playing Mario Kart 64 with some other dudes, and Walker's like "Yo Vin, did you buy any milk?" but he didn't buy any milk because he was playing video games all day. Walker is like "You're making me furious!" then he goes to buy the milk. After he's gone, Diesel's Mario Kart buddies are like "That guy's a pussy, why do you still live with him?" and Diesel just says "Oh, I have my reasons..." then he fires a turtle shell at the other guy and wins the race. "Looks like I won, Princess," he says (the other guy was using the Princess Peach character), "Now fork it over, bitch." Then the other guy hands Vin Diesel a big bag of delicious heroin. And the bag has a picture of Wario on it.

The next day, Paul Walker is at the FBI Building when his boss is like "Walker, see me in my office!" So Walker goes in there and the boss fires him from the FBI because he says he found heroin in his locker. Walker's like "That ain't my heroin!!" so the boss says he'll have to take a drug test. Walker's like "fine" and takes the specimen cup to go and fill it up, but the boss stops him and says "No. I want you do it here. In front of me. I want to watch you pee in this cup." So he does, and then he gets fired because even though it wasn't his heroin, he smokes weed every day and the drug test revealed that to the boss. Also, the bag of heroin that they found had a picture of Wario on it. So Walker goes home and tells Diesel that he got fired, but then he sees that Vinny Boy also has a bag of Wario Heroin. He's like "what the fuck, did you frame me bro?" and Diesel says that the guy who gave him the heroin must have framed Walker because he beat him at Mario Kart, and he wanted Paul to think Vin was the one who framed him because he is jealous of their love.

Vin & Paul furiously and fastly drive to the heroin dealer's house. When they get there Paul Walker jumps his car onto the roof somehow, and Vin Diesel fires turtle shells at the house. Paul yells down the chimney, "You better get out here fast, because I'm furiouser than ever!!" Suddenly, Heroin Dealer drives his own car out of the second floor of the house and lands on the neighbor's roof. He's like "Fuck you, Paul Walker!" then he drives away, jumping from rooftop-to-rooftop, while Walker gives chase. Vin Diesel is still following them from the road. When they finally run out of rooftops, HD and Walker jump their cars onto the road and HD starts throwing banana peels behind him to try and slip up Vin & Paul. So Paul & Vin have to slow down a little to avoid slipping on all these banana peels, and as they're driving next to each other, Vin says "I think we should use the Sandwich Technique!" Paul understands, so they both count to three and then fire the nitros so they speed up next to HD. Now one of them is driving on either side of the Heroin Dealer, and he's panicking and shit, yelling "What the fuck do you want??" And Vin Diesel is like "We wanna make you fuckin' sandwich, Princess" and then Vin Diesel and Paul Walker each pull out a fucking Uzi and start firing bullets into HD. They shoot the fucking shit out of him.

A few minutes later, they're finally out of bullets so they stop and look in the back of HD's car. They find more bags of Wario Heroin and some files that explain how he planned to frame Paul & Vin for assassinating the president. They're like "whaaaaaat" then suddenly we cut to the White House, where The President is walking outside in his bathrobe to pick up his morning paper. But when he picks it up, someone shoots him in the head!! Then, we pull back to reveal that the sniper who shot him is none other than Michelle Rodriguez, Vin Diesel's allegedly dead girlfriend! She makes a phone call to HD, but because he's dead, VD answers it. MR is like "It's done. Are Diesel and Walker in position?" and Vin's like "Uh... yes?" Somehow they don't recognize each other's voices. Then Michelle's like "Good, then your work is done." and she presses a big red button. HD's car starts beeping, so Vin and Paul jump out of the way in slow motion as it explodes. Paul Walker's like "This all could've been avoided if you bought some milk" and Vin Diesel replies "Suck my dick" Then they laugh and high-five. Meanwhile, Michelle Rodriguez gets into her own car and drives it into the white house. Her car has three turtle shells spinning around it so nobody can do anything to stop her.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Children of Men II: Look Who's Talking

Clive Owen and The World's Youngest Woman have been raising the world's only baby for six months now. They take the baby to a doctor for a checkup and the doc tells them that the baby's hearing is fucked up, and they're like "how could this be??" and then the baby says "Probably because on the day I was born, I had a million guns and explosions going off right next to my tiny ears! Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" only the baby doesn't really say it, we just hear Bruce Willis's voice-over (even though the baby is a girl). So the doctor is like "it's okay, we just need to give her an Ear Transplant" and it turns out the only person in the world whose blood cells are compatible with the baby's is Clive Owen. The next day, they perform the Ear Transplant, so now the baby has one adult-sized ear and Clive Owen has one baby-sized ear. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Great, now I look like a freak" and Clive's like "what the fuck" because now he can hear the baby's Bruce Willis Thoughts.

Clive Owen is like "Holy shit you guys, I can hear Cliveena's thoughts!" (The baby was named after Clive Owen) but nobody believes him. The Doc is like "Please, Clive Owen, I am a scientist and what you're saying is impossible" and then the Bruce Willis VO says "This doctor is a real cocksucker, right Clive?" and Clive's like "haha good one, Cliveena" so now the Doc and WYW just think he's crazy. Later, Clive Owen is buying a sandwich and some guy comes up and says "Well if it isn't Crazy Baby Ear, hear any babies lately?" and Clive Owen punches him in the fucking face because he's a badass. Then he's about to eat the sandwich, but he notices there's a note inside. It says "Meet me behind the sandwich store". So he goes behind the sandwich store and finds Cliveena, who crawled there somehow. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Thanks for meeting me here, Clive" and Clive's like "Dude, you're the only baby in the world, you can't be crawling around behind sandwich stores. It's too dangerous. Just a minute ago I had to punch someone in the fucking face." Then the police show up and they of course think that Clive Owen kidnapped the baby, so they arrest him. The last thing he hears as he's being taken away is the Bruce Willis VO saying "Don't worry, Clive Owen, I'll bust you outta the joint!"

So now Clive Owen is in prison, but Cliveena manages to break in through the air ducts. While she's crawling through the ducts she's holding a lighter in one hand like in Die Hard. Meanwhile, WYW realizes her baby is gone, so she goes to Clive Owen and asks what he did with her. He's like "I've been in prison the whole time, I didn't do shit." Then the baby kicks open the air duct grating in Clive's cell and Bruce Willis VO is like "Come with me if you want to live" but WYW can't hear that so she's like "Holy shit you hid my baby in the air ducts? You really are crazy!" So then the police transfer Clive Owen to the psychiatric ward of the prison. Now he's sharing a cell with the famous supervillian, "Scarf-Face". He's a guy with a scarf wrapped around his face. Clive is like "Hello, Scarface" and Scarf-Face is like "I'm not Scarface, I'm Scarf-Face!!" and this comedic routine goes on for several minutes.

Eventually Clive Owen explains to Scarf-Face what happened. He's like "I know it sounds crazy, but I could really hear that baby's thoughts. And she sounded just like Bruce Willis, star of such films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser." Scarf-Face is like "It doesn't sound crazy to me..." And he removes the scarf from his face to reveal that he too has a baby-ear. He explains "That is the origin of how I became Scarf-Face. To block out the sound of Bruce Willis's voice-over. And now, Clive Owen, I pass the torch to you. You are the new Scarf-Face." He hands the face-scarf to Clive, but he's like "Dude I'm not wearing this until after I wash it." So he washes it in the prison laundry room and then puts it on. The former Scarf-Face, now face-scarfless, is like "Finally, I can now die a peaceful death..." But it's not like he's sick or anything, so he doesn't actually die. He just stands there awkwardly until Clive Owen's like "are you going to die or what", and Scarfless-Face just silently backs out of the room. Clive Owen never sees him again. Later, the World's Youngest Woman brings Cliveena to see Clive in prison. WYW asks "Why are you wearing a scarf on your face?" and he tells her, "I am Scarf-Face!" Cliveena's Bruce Willis VO is like "I just wanted someone to talk to. Why won't you talk to me, Clive Owen?" But Clive can't hear her... Not anymore. Because he is Scarf-Face.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Valkyrie II: Tears of a Führer

After Tom Cruise's plan failed (spoiler alert), ol' one-eye-one-hand himself was executed for committing treason. Two Nazis named Bill & Ted are carrying the recently shot Tom Cruise away to throw him in a mass grave. But before they throw him in, Bill is like "I'm gonna steal this guy's eye patch as a souvenir. Plus I think I'd look cool with an eye patch." Ted's like "Whatever dude, just hurry up, we're gonna be late for the Pizza Party" and he skips away. Bill takes off Tom's eye patch and is surprised to find a note in Tom's eye-hole. He takes it out and unfolds it... it says "If you are reading this, it means I am dead and you stole my eye patch. Check inside my butt for further instructions LOL" After making sure that nobody can see him, Bill checks inside Tom Cruise's anus and finds an audio tape. He wipes it off with his Nazi Cloth and then puts the tape in his Walkman and starts listening.

"Oh, hello! Didn't see you come in. My name is Colonel Thomas Von Cruisenburg, and what you're listening to right now is my Secret Butthole Tape. You're probably thinking I really fucked things up by getting executed, but trust me, it's all going according to plan. And if you want to save Hitler, you're going to have to do exactly as I say... further instructions can be found in my dick-hole." Bill starts looking in TC's dick-hole, and a few seconds later the tape continues: "Ha ha, there's nothing in my dick-hole. April Fools! Anyway, whoever you are, I need you to go to 123 Berlin Street. If you don't get there in 10 minutes, your beloved Adolf Hitler will die!" Bill is like, "Nein! Mein Liebshen!" and runs off to Berlin St. Then Ted finally comes back to see what's taking so long, and sees Tom Cruise lying on the ground with his pants off, and he's like "what the fuck"

Bill gets to the warehouse on Berlin St. just in the nick of time, and finds Hitler strapped to a table, with a giant axe hanging from the ceiling above him, swinging back-and-forth. Hitler also has a bunch of tubes attached to him that are hooked up to a giant vat of delicious barbeque sauce. Bill plays the tape again (he paused it after the previous instruction) to find out what he's supposed to do: "Well, I guess you made it to the warehouse. Well done, you're better than I expected. Now, if you want to free Adolf, you just need to find the key. And that key can be found... inside Hitler's dick-hole." Bill quickly unzips Hitler's pants to start looking, and the tape continues: "Ha ha, I can't believe you fell for that again! I guess you just love dick-holes or something." Bill looks at Hitler and says "I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I do not love dick-holes."

The Butthole Tape continues: "Okay homo, here's what you really have to do: Inside that giant vat of barbeque sauce, there's an unconscious guy with an oxygen tank (so he can breathe in there) who has the key to Hitler's chains. But you have to KILL HIM to get the key. Alternatively, you can save the unconscious guy, but if you do that then Hitler's veins will be filled with the delicious barbeque sauce and then he'll be cut in half by the giant axe and his blood will be mixed with the barbeque sauce. So WHICH ONE WILL YOU SAVE?" Bill is like "Duh, I'm gonna kill the guy in the sauce so I can save Hitler. Why would I give a fuck about the other guy?" so that's what he does. After he's free, Hitler is like "Thank you for saving me. If there's anything I can do to repay you..." and Bill says "It was an honor, my Nazi Friend. Just getting to shake your hand is all the repayment I need." So he shakes Hitler's hand, but shockingly, Hitler's hand comes off! It was a prosthetic hand! Then he takes off his mustache and wig, and it's not even Hitler! It's Tom Fucking Cruise!

Suddenly, we flash back to earlier, when Bill's Nazi Friend Ted is going to inspect Tom Cruise's half-naked corpse. But when he goes to inspect the corpse, Tom Cruise suddenly grabs him with his three-fingered hand and snaps his neck! Because he was wearing a bullet-proof vest the whole time, he was never dead! Then he puts on a fake mustache and hand, and takes a shortcut to the Berlin St. warehouse. It turns out that the guy in the BBQ sauce tank, who Bill killed, was the REAL Hitler. Bill is like "Neeeeeein!!" and Tom Cruise just smiles and pours some delicious barbeque sauce into a glass and drinks it. It tastes more delicious than ever, thanks to the secret ingredient: Hitler's tears.