Monday, November 30, 2009

Star Trek 2: The Legend of Sulu's Gold

The Enterprise crew is hanging out one night, play poker. Sulu is winning everybody's Space Credits, and they're all getting pissed off because they didn't expect Sulu to be so good at poker. After several hours of losing, Spock is like "This is illogical, Sulu must be cheating. He is a total cheater." The room goes silent, and Sulu immediately flips over the table and pulls out his gun. "Did you just call me... a cheetah?" Spock doesn't get why Sulu is making such a big deal about this until Kirk whispers to him, "Dude, don't you know that Sulu's whole family was killed by cheetahs?" Spock explains that he actually called him a cheater and not a cheetah, because clearly Sulu is human and not feline, but it's too late because Sulu has already run out of the room crying. Everyone is like "Smooth move, Vulcan" and they tell him to go apologize to Sulu. Spock is like "Fine, I'll go apologize right after I finish this delicious Klingon Juice." Uhura whispers to Spock, "You said you were going to stop drinking so much" and Spock totally snaps at her, "You said you were going to shut the fuck up and suck my dick" which makes things pretty awkward for everyone else in the room. Scotty is so uncomfortable that he beams himself out into space and dies.

Later, Spock drunkenly shows up at Sulu's quarters to apologize. Sulu doesn't open the door when he knocks, so Spock tries to kick it open, but since they're on a spaceship with electronic doors that slide open it doesn't work, even when he uses a Flying Vulcan Kick. So then Spock just smashes open the control panel and hacks into the door controls and forces it to open up. He is about to apologize to Sulu, but before he can an animal claw scratches him across his face. And not just any animal claw, the claw of a cheetah. And the cheetah is wearing Sulu's uniform. Spock is like "Oh my god, you ARE a cheetah!" and the cheetah knocks Spock down and runs away. Spock hits his head on Sulu's statue of Buddha and gets knocked out. The next morning, Spock wakes up in the medical bay and he's all "Sulu is literally a cheetah, he attacked me with his claws last night!" Nobody believes him, especially Bones who is like "I refuse to give medical treatment to this lying motherfucker." Sulu comes into the room and shows Spock an X-Ray that proves he isn't a cheetah. Then Kirk is like "See, old friend? That's why Vulcans shouldn't drink. You lightweight pussy douche." And they all laugh except Spock, as the camera slowly zooms in on Kirk's eye to reveal that he has the eye of the cheetah, the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival.

That night, the crew are playing poker again. Someone asks where Uhura is, and Spock explains, "She said she didn't want to be around me when I drink Klingon Juice. Chicks, right?" Meanwhile, Kirk is winning everyone's money tonight, which Spock finds highly suspicious. He logically deduces that the cheetah must have transferred from Sulu's body into Kirk's body. He shares this theory with the others and they're all "Okay, whatever Drunky, go back to Drunktown." Spock says he'll prove that Kirk is really a cheetah, and all of sudden he grabs Kirk and starts making out with him. Everyone in the room is like "what the fuuuuck" and Chekov beams himself into space to escape the awkwardness. He was already wearing a spacesuit, so he survives, unlike Scotty whose frozen corpse floats right past Chekov. Back at the poker table, Spock and Kirk finally stop making out and Spock yells, "See? That proves he's a goddamn cheetah! Look at him!" But Kirk just looks normal, and he throws his cards down on the table. He wins again, this time with two pairs, and Bones is like "Yeah, two pairs of Vulcan balls in your mouth" Then everyone laughs except for Spock who realizes that the joke is highly illogical since Vulcans only have three testicles.

After the homoerotic space poker tournament, Spock goes to Uhura's room to try and prove that he isn't gay for Kirk. But Uhura isn't there. It's the cheetah, back for revenge. The cheetah shoots a laser net out of its eyes, which traps Spock so he can't escape. Spock is all "Dammit, who ARE you?" and the cheetah finally explains... He is Cheetro, the shape-shifting cheetah from planet Cheeton, and he has come aboard the Starship Enterprise to beat everyone at poker and start a new race of Cheetah/Vulcan hybrids. They will be called Cheecans. "You'll never get away with this, Cheetro!" yells Spock, but Cheetro isn't worried. "Please, Mr. Spock. I'm not a Science Fiction villian. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I stole your semen 35 minutes ago." Spock is shocked: "So that was YOU jerking me off under the poker table! Damn you, Cheetro!"

"Anyways," says Cheetro, "Now that I've explained all that I just have to KILL YOU. Mwa ha ha ha!" Suddenly, Chekov crashes through the window on the back of Scotty's frozen corpse. Cheetro gets sucked into space but Spock is protected by the laser net. As Cheetro floats away he's like "Nooooo! Hoisted by my own petard!" Later that night, the Enterprise gang are all playing poker again, including Scotty, who Bones manged to resuscitate, but he still has severe brain damage from being in the vacuum of space for so long. Chekov keeps winning hand after hand, and Spock is once again suspicious, and is about to accuse Checkov of being a cheetah. But then he notices that he's actually reading a book called "How to Cheat at Poker, Vegas-Style." And Chekov pronounces it "Wegas-style". Everybody laughs at this, including Spock, because he is drunker than any Vulcan in the history of the universe. He has a serious drinking problem.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Frost/Nixon 2: Deep Freeze

We open in Frost's Lair, where the famous Mr. Frost sits on his gigantic Ice Throne, stroking his kitty, Princess Popsicle. A man with a bag over his head is dragged into the room by some of Frost's minions, then they pull the bag off to reveal that the man is Richard M. Nixon. Nixon is all beat up and is missing an arm for some reason. Frost is like "Hammer time!" then picks up an Ice Hammer and smashes it in Nixon's face. He's like "You thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you, Nixy-Boy?" Nixon doesn't say anything, he just spits blood at Frost. One of the minions breaks a stalagmite off the floor and holds it to Nixon's throat. "You want me to kill him now, boss?", he asks, but Frost calls him off. "No, this one's mine," says Frost, "I should've done this a long time ago..." He picks up his Radioactive Ice Gun and points it at Nixon. "Any last words, Chief?" he says, while loading a power crystal into the magnetic particle chamber. Nixon finally speaks: "Yeah, Frosty... I'll see you in Hell." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he aims the gun at Nixon's face and pulls the trigger.

48 HOURS EARLIER. Frost/Nixon are on Nixon's private yacht, sipping martinis and doing cocaine. Nixon is like "I'm sure glad we became friends after that interview a few years ago, Frosty" and Frost agrees, "Yeah me too, Dick, you sure know how to party!" Nixon puts down the cocaine bowl for a second and gets real: "Let's agree, that no matter what happens, we'll remain best BFF's forever." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he removes a switchblade from his pocket. Nixon's bodyguards are like "What the fuck" but Nixon tells them to stand down, because he trusts him. Frost cuts open his pinky finger and then does the same to Nixon. Then they suck each other's pinkys. The bodyguards are creeped out, because it's pretty weird. Frost is like "We are now Blood Brothers" and then they continue doing cocaine while some strippers come out and blow them.

Later that night, Frost/Nixon are still out at sea getting fucked up. Nixon's assistant (Kevin Bacon) comes over and he's like "It's time to go back, sir" and Nixon reluctantly agrees, "Okay, party pooper, let's turn this cocksucker around." Kevin Bacon turns the boat around and crashes right into a giant fucking iceberg, and the boat starts getting sucked into a whirlpool or something. Also a storm just started so it's really dramatic with lightning and shit. Kevin Bacon's like "Come on Mr. President, we have to get to the life boat!" But Nixon won't go because he's hanging on to Frost who has fallen over the edge of the boat and is getting sucked into the mystical iceberg whirlpool. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he yells "You have to let me go, old friend, save yourself!" and Nixon's like "No! Never! We are Blood Brothers!" Then out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon cuts off Nixon's arm with a chainsaw, forcing him to let go of Frost, who falls to his supposed death under the sea. Nixon is like "NOOOOOOOOO" but Kevin Bacon says he did it for his own good. After crying for a minute, Nixon says he understands. Then he pulls out Frost's switchblade and stabs Kevin Bacon in the neck. He throws Bacon into the sea and then gets into the life boat and drives away from this clusterfuck by himself, leaving all the bodyguards and strippers behind.

Frost wakes up under the sea, in a mystical ice cave, surprised to find out that he's alive. Kevin Bacon is there too, but he's bleeding all over the place. Frost notices that he has been stabbed in the neck with the switchblade that he (Frost) gave to his Blood Brother (Nixon) earlier. He's like "Why would my Blood Brother do this to you?" And then Kevin Bacon reveals the shocking truth... this whole thing was part of Nixon's plan to kill Frost. But Kevin Bacon being killed wasn't part of the plan, so that's why he's like "fuck Nixon" now. Then Kevin Bacon dies. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he holds Kevin Bacon in his arms. "I can't believe my Blood Brother would betray me like this. I will avenge your death, Kevin Bacon... Mark my words, Mr. Frost will have his revenge."

Now we're back in the first scene, after Frost has captured Nixon and had his minions drag him into the Ice Cave. He holds up the Ice Cannon and pulls the trigger. But then it is revealed that he didn't shoot Nixon at all, he actually shot all of his minions. It only took one shot to kill all of them because this Ice Gun uses special power crystals from the planet Jupiter. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he tosses the gun aside. Nixon is like "Why didn't you kill me, Frosty?" Frost sits down in his Ice Throne and sighs, "I can't do it, old chum... You're my Blood Brother." Suddenly, Kevin Bacon crawls out from behind the throne, covered in blood. Turns out he actually didn't die yet. He points a gun at Nixon and says, "I ain't nobody's fuckin' Blood Brother" then he fires at the former President. Frost is like "Nooooooooooooo" and jumps in front of Nixon in slow motion, taking the bullet for him. Kevin Bacon's like "Dammit" because he only had one bullet. Then Kevin Bacon dies.

A single tear rolls down Nixon's cheek as he cradles Frost in his arm (because he only has one, remember). "It's all gonna be okay, Frosty," cries Nixon, "It's all going to be okay..." but the bullet hit Frost right in the fucking brain, so he's already dead. "I'll never forget you, Blood Brother..." Nixon sucks on Frost's pinky one last time. Suddenly, one of Frost's Ice Minions walks into the cave, all "Sorry I'm late" and sees that every other minion is dead, and one-armed Former President Richard Nixon is kneeling on the floor with dead David Frost's pinky finger in his mouth, crying like a baby. The minion is like, "This is too fucked up" and just shoots himself in the face. ONE WEEK LATER... Nixon returns home to his golden mansion. He goes over the fireplace and looks at a photo of him and Frost doing cocaine and fucking strippers, and smiles, remembering the good times. Then, out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon walks in from another room with bags on his feet like Mark Whalberg in The Departed. He shoots Nixon in the head and his body falls into the fireplace. Kevin Bacon lights him on fire, then he sits down in Nixon's chair and dies.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Phone Booth II: Call WEIGHTing

Colin Farrell is riding to his house on a motor scooter, carrying several boxes of jelly donuts. He has gotten really fat since the events of Phone Booth I, and now he only leaves the house to get food. He drives past an alley and hears a woman screaming for help. Hesitantly, Colin stops his scooter and peeks around the corner, and witnesses a gang member about to rape the woman. Colin throws a donut at the rapist and then Rapey gets scared and runs away. But he's already stabbed the woman in the arm so she needs medical assistance. Colin takes out his mobile phone to call 911, but he can't get a signal in that area. But there is a phone booth right next to the alley. Colin could either use that phone booth, or let the innocent woman die. Colin starts crying, "Sorry, lady, I can't do it" and speeds away. Cut to later, Colin is sitting on his bed naked, eating donut after donut, and watching the news. That woman in the alley died, and now police are on the lookout for a fat donut-eating fuck on a scooter, who was witnessed crying and eating donuts at the scene.

Fat Colin Farrell rides his scooter down the police station to turn himself in, and he is arrested and sent to prison. The prison guard is like "Okay, tubby, here's your cellmate... this guy's a real sick fuck, just like you." and the cellmate turns around to reveal that he is Kiefer Sutherland, the infamous Phone Booth Killer. Kiefer's like "I call top bunk" and Colin starts screaming. Kiefer calms him down, explaining that his Phone Booth Killing days are over, and that he confessed his crimes so that he could turn over a new leaf. Then he gives Colin a donut. Later that night, Colin wakes up and sees Kiefer digging a hole in the wall with a spoon. During the day, the hole is covered by a poster of Zac Efron. Colin's like "What the fuck are you doing, Keefs" and Kiefer quickly puts his hand over Colin's mouth and holds the spoon to his throat. "I'm escaping, lardo. I've been planning this for months, and you're the final part of the plan..." Colin doesn't understand, and Kiefer's like "Remember that donut you ate earlier?" We see a flashback to when he gave him the donut, and a close-up reveals that it's not really a donut at all, it's a piece of the prison cell wall, covered in sprinkles. Kiefer is going to escape by digging away the wall and feeding the pieces to Colin Farrel so the guards won't suspect a thing.

The next day in the lunch line, some guy tries to shiv Colin Farrell because his morbid obesity offends him. But Kiefer defends Colin by blocking the dude's shiv with a lunch tray and then decapitating him. Then he takes that dude's lunch and gives it to Colin, so now Colin has two lunches. Colin is like "Thanks, man." "No problem, pal," says Kiefer, "Just make sure you save room for that cement wall I'm digging out later tonight." The Prison Snitch overhears this, and runs to tell the Warden. The Warden is like "That's fucking stupid" and puts the snitch in The Hole for lying. Later that night, Kiefer Sutherland is romantically feeding Colin Farrell pieces of the cell wall. Then they hear a guard coming, so Kiefer's like "Quick, pretend we're making out" so they start making out and the guard sees them and is like "Yep, nothing suspicious going on here." After the guard leaves, Kiefer's like "Your breath tastes like cement, you disgusting fat piece of shit."

The following morning, Kiefer and Colin wake up after a night of hot, steamy lovemaking. Colin is lying on top of Kiefer and he's like "I see now why they call you the Phone Booth Killer. And by 'Phone' I mean 'Fat' and by 'Booth' I mean 'Cock' and by 'Killer' I mean 'Sucker'." Kiefer doesn't respond. Colin continues talking, "Anyways, I'm almost done eating that wall, so tonight we escape, buddy." Kiefer still says nothing, and that's when Colin realizes that he tragically crushed him to death under his fat, cement-filled body. Colin's like "Noooooooooo" and crawls into the hole in the wall and eats the rest of the way out. He then waddles his way to the prison fence and starts climbing it. But the fence is electrified, and it fries the shit out of Colin, causing him to explode. Pieces of blubber and cement rain down all over the prison, killing dozens of innocent prisoners. Later, a doctor is doing an autopsy of Kiefer Sutherand. His finishes up his report, "If only the fat guy didn't eat all that cement, these two homos could've fucked all night long and lived happily ever after."

Friday, August 7, 2009

Ferris Bueller's Night Off

Ferris Bueller is now a security guard, working the night shift at a history museum. One night, his boss calls him and he's like "Bueller, I need you to work one hour longer tonight. And make sure nobody steals the Diamond of Hope, because the Vice President of Egypt is coming in tomorrow to check it out." One hour longer? You think Ferris Bueller is going to stand for that? Hell no, he's taking the night off. Ferris sets up a tape recorder and a mannequin in a security guard outfit at the front desk, then gets ready to hit the town. On the way out, he calls his buddy Cameron. Ferris is like "Hey man, we need to borrow your dad's car again." Cameron's like "Ferris, it's 1:30 AM, what the fuck? We're 45 years old. We have our own cars." Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so tight, that if you stuck the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the Vice President of Egypt would be happy because it'd just make the Diamond more valuable." Cameron's like "What? That doesn't even make sense. Now stop calling me, I have to take my daughter to ballet practice in the morning." Ferris is like "See you in 10 minutes", and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, Ed Rooney has been watching all this from the bushes and taking notes. He doesn't have any reason to be following Ferris, he's just a crazy old lunatic.

Cameron is getting dressed to go out with Ferris. Mrs. Cameron isn't too happy about this, because she thinks Ferris is a bad influence on him, but Cameron promises he'll only be gone for like half an hour. Boy, is he wrong. Dead wrong. Cameron goes outside, and Ferris is already in his car. He's like "Hey man, I just hot-wired your dad's Ferrari!" Cameron's like "That's my Ferrari! I saved my money for 20 years to buy it!" Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so fucking tight, that if he ate the Diamond of Hope, he'd shit out 25 mini-Diamonds of Hope, and personally save Egypt's economy. The Vice President of Egypt would make him an honorary Egyptian." Cameron's like "I'm not that tight. Who are you even talking to?" Meanwhile, Crazy Ed Rooney is still watching from the bushes. He makes a phone call to Ferris's Sister and tells her that her brother isn't really sick at all, he's just skipping work. She threatens to call the police if he ever calls her again, and hangs up on him. Rooney cries.

Ferris and Cameron are driving to the city in Cameron's Ferrari. That "BOMP BOMP chick-chicka" song is playing. Ferris is like, "Here's the plan, we're gonna call my girlfriend, Sloane Peterson, and you're gonna pretend to be her dad so we can get her out of work." Cameron gets all serious and he's like, "Dude... Sloane died of a drug overdose 12 years ago." Ferris looks at the camera and says, "Cameron is so motherfucking tight, that if the Vice President of Egypt stuck his hand up his ass to search for the Diamond of Hope, his Egyptian hand would get stuck in there and they'd have to amputate it. Then the Vice President of Egypt would only have one hand." Cameron is speechless. Ferris stops the car outside a strip club, and gives Cameron his phone. "This is where she works. Now call her up and pretend to be George Peterson." Also, Ed Rooney has strapped himself to the bottom of the car like in Cape Fear or whatever. But the car went ever a speed bump on the way to the strip club and knocked Rooney unconscious. He might have brain damage.

Meanwhile, back at the museum, a pair of masked diamond thieves are about to break in by cutting a hole in the glass. But when they try to cut into it with their special laser, it sets off Ferris's tape recorder/mannequin contraption, and the mannequin points a flashlight at the thieves and says "Who goes there?" Then the tape rewinds itself because that's the only phrase Ferris recorded. The thieves are like "Holy shit, the Vice President of Egypt can keep his stupid diamond! Let's get outta here!" and they run away.

Cameron calls the strip club and tells the manager that he wants to speak to his daughter, Sloane. The manager's like "Okay, she gets off stage in 5 minutes." 5 minutes later, Sloane picks up the phone, all "Daddy, is it really you?" It isn't the real Sloane, it's a stripper who happens to be named Sloane. Her father abandoned her when she was 8 years old, and she's been waiting for this phone call ever since. But Cameron isn't really her father, and when she comes outside and sees Ferris sitting there, she's like "You again? I told you to leave me the fuck alone!" A bouncer comes out of the club and he's like "Is there a problem here?" and Sloane tells him that these two cocksuckers are harassing her, so the bouncer grabs Cameron and punches him several times in the face. He then kicks Ferris in the chest, breaking two of his ribs, and makes him bite the curb. Just then, Ed Rooney jumps out of the shadows and points a gun at the bouncer. He's like "Let him go, motherfucker. This one's mine..."

Later, Ferris and Cameron are being driven home by Rooney in the Ferrari. Ferris is like "Thanks for your help back there, Mr. Rooney. You saved both our asses." Rooney's like "Speaking of asses, Cameron is so tight, that if we were in the Bizarro Universe and you shoved the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the diamond would turn into coal, because we're in the Bizarro Universe and things are backwards." Ferris smiles, "Yeah, I said the same thing earlier! You're alright, Rooney. You're alright." Ferris and Rooney both laugh, while Cameron cries in the back seat. After Ferris & Rooney drop Cameron off at home, Cameron packs up all of his family's shit so they can movie far away from this town. Ferris & Rooney steal Cameron's Ferrari, but Cameron doesn't say anything, he just wants to get rid of them. Ferris gets back to the museum just before the Vice President of Egypt shows up to view the Diamond of Hope. He and Rooney shake hands, then Rooney walks into the bushes and fades away, his work here is done. Ferris puts his security guard uniform back on and sits down at the front desk. He smiles at the camera, then coughs up some blood because he got the shit kicked out him a few hours ago and is still bleeding internally. Chick-chickaaa.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Thing 2: The Last Thing of Scotland

The Thing in The Thing killed everyone except Kurt Russell (and another guy but I don't know his name). A few days later a rescue team shows up and finds Kurt alive, because he survived by eating the Other Guy. But Kurt doesn't tell them that he became a cannibal. He tells them about The Thing, and how it killed everyone. The rescue team just thinks he's crazy, and he gets sent to an asylum for the criminally insane. Over the next few months, Kurt is put through electro-shock therapy and eventually forced to believe that the events of the The Thing all happened in his mind and there's no such thing as Things. He breaks down and starts crying in the middle of a group therapy session and all the other crazy people group hug him. Then the camera pans up, and up, and fucking UP into space for ten minutes until it stops at a distant alien planet. This is Planet Thing, home of The Things. And right in the middle of the planet is a giant statue of Kurt Russell.

One year later, back on Earth, Kurt Russell is released from the Crazy House. Some kid rides past him on a tricycle, then stops for a second and yells "Hey, fuck you, Krazy Kurt!" then rides away. Kurt yells "No, fuck YOU", but he waited too long before saying it so the kid was too far away to hear him. Also he says it right when a gang of teenage street-punks are walking past, so they thing (I mean think) Kurt was talking to them. The Punk Leader is like "What'd you just say, old man?" and he pulls out a switchblade. Kurt's like "No, I wasn't talking to you" but these rapscallions don't believe him. They start pushing him around, and Kurt's like "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" but they keep pushing him, which makes him angry. So Kurt is forced to kick all their asses. Then he steals a skateboard that one of them was carrying and skates away.

Now there's a montage of Kurt Russell building something. We can't tell what he's building yet, but whatever it is, it's big. The street punks show up and they're like "Hey old man!" and Kurt turns around, thinking they're back for round two, because it looks like Punk #1 is reaching for his switchblade again. But they're just like "Looks like you could use some help" and Punk#1 pulls out a hammer instead of a switchblade. They help him build, because now they respect him. One week later, they've finished building and one punk is like "So what is this, old man?" And we finally see that they have built a space ship. It looks exactly like the one from The Thing, because Kurt was just putting on an act the whole time he was in the asylum. He was just waiting to get out so he could travel to Planet Thing and get revenge on the Things that killed his buddies. He gets into the ship and flies away.

One light year later, the USS Krazy Kurt makes a crash landing. Kurt steps out and says "Finally, here I am on Planet Thing." But we saw Planet Thing earlier so we know he isn't really there. There's a sign right next to him that says "Welcome to Loch Ness", Kurt reads it and is like "What a strange language these aliens have." Then he starts killing everyone he sees, because he thinks that they're Things. In what is later known as the Kurt Russell Massacre, he brutally murders over 300 people before a police sniper takes him down with a bullet to the chest. Kurt is almost dead, but he is still able to crawl back into his space ship and start the self-destruct sequence. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey that he had been saving for this special occasion, and looks at a photo of him and his friends who were killed by The Thing in The Thing. "I did it..." he says, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I saved the world."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Usual Suspects Part II: The Hunt for Keyser Soze

The Detective has just realized that (spoiler alert for US1) Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Soze, and he's totally pissed that Spacey Punk'd him this whole time. He runs out of the Police Headquarters to see Soze and his wife, Mrs. Soze, driving away. It's too late for him to do anything. Or is it? Detective Johnson punches some guy off his motorcycle, then jumps on it and starts chasing after the Sozes. He drives up next to the Sozemobile and yells "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Spacey... or should I say, Mr. Sozey?" and Keyser's like "what i can't hear you" because they're still driving. The Detective holds up his badge and demands that Mrs. Soze pull over the car immediately. Mr. Soze is like "What's the big idea, copper? I'm not Keyser Soze, I'm just that crippled guy. Gee Whiz, mister!" But his wife knows that the jig is up, so she swerves the car into Detective Johnson and tips over his motorcycle, causing him to skid off the road and into a cafe, killing many innocent bystanders. As the Sozes continue to speed away from Detective J, Keyser's like "Jeepers, babycakes, what'd you do that for? I had that cop wrapped around my little fake-crippled finger, I did!" She just punches him the face and tells him to shut up. Then she pulls of her wig to reveal her true identity, and says "I don't need Detective Johnson discovering my true identity..." Keyser Soze is shocked, but we don't see her face yet so we don't know her true identity.

Meanwhile, back at the cafe where Detective J crashed his bike and killed 7 people who were just minding their own business and drinking some coffee, the good detective climbs up out of the pile of corpses that cushioned his impact and saved his life. He looks down the road and can just make out the Sozemobile in the distance as they drive over the horizon. Then he pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and looks at it. It is tracking the Sozemobile. We quickly see a slow-motion flashback of Detective J placing a tracking device onto the car when he was driving next to it earlier. Detective J is like "I'm gonna get you, Keyser Soze... I'm gonna hunt you down like the dog that you are. Because I hunt dogs. I swear on my partner's grave that you will pay..." Because his partner was one of the people who died in that cafe a minute ago. Then a motorcycle cop drives up and is like "Holy shit balls, Detective Johnson! This looks like one goddamn fucking hell of a cunt-fucking clusterfuck! I better call this into the station!" But when he picks up the radio to call it in, Detective Johnson hits him with a Karate chop to the throat, rendering him unconscious. Then he steals his bike and drives away while AC/DC's "Back In Black" starts to play.

Cut to the Soze Safe House, where Keyser is changing out of his fake-cripple clothes that he wore while he was in disguise as Kevin Spacey. So now he's wearing all black, and he's like "It feels so good to be back in black." The song is still playing when he says that. Then suddenly there's a record scratch and the song stops. Mrs. Soze (who is wearing a wig again so we still don't know her True Identity) comes out of the other room and shoves him to the floor. He's like "what the fuck is your problem", then all of a fucking sudden someone starts firing guns into the room. It's Detective Johnson, who is standing outside with a Tommy Gun in each hand and smoking a cigar. Keyser Soze yells "I thought this was supposed to be a safe house, but it's more like an UN-safe house, am i right!?" and his wife says "what i can't hear you" - this is a callback to earlier when they were driving. Keyser is relieved that she didn't hear him because it was a pretty lame joke that he regretted as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Outside, Detective Johnson has finally run out of ammo. He yells out "Hey Soze, I know you're in there! Come out and face me like the dog you are!" Soze yells back "You're the fucking dog, why don't you suck my dick!" And Johnson replies "You'd like that wouldn't you, Gay-zer Soze!" Then he waits for Keyser to yell something back, and when he doesn't the detective yells "What's the matter, Mr. Soze? Cat got your tongue?" But really the Sozes just escaped out the back door of the safe house and are running away through the desert. It takes Johnson like five minutes to realize this, then he gets back on his motorcycle to chase after them, but it won't start. While Johnson was busy shooting into the safe house, someone poured sugar in the gas tank. "Damn you, Keyser Soze!!!" he yells, but then he notices a trail of sugar leading from his bike into the bushes. He throws a grenade into the bushes, thinking he'll kill Keyser Fucking Soze. But Keyser isn't there, it's just some random fat kid. Johnson is shocked that he just murdered an innocent fat kid, and he's like "Why did you do it, fat kid? Why did you make me kill you?" The fat kid says "Because... Keyser Soze is my father..." then he dies. Also the fat kid has a cheeseburger in one hand that he was eating before he died. Johnson steals the tasty burger and takes a bite, then he says, "Tastes like vengeance." The fat kid's like "That's my burger you fat fuck", then he REALLY dies.

AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" starts playing. We see the Sozes driving on a highway. Keyser says "Man, it feels like we're on a highway to Hell." The song continues as we see a montage of Detective Johnson pursuing the Sozes, and every time they think they're safe, Johnson is one step behind them, eating a cheeseburger. The song fades out as the Sozes pull into a gas station. Keyser's like "I haven't seen that detective in hours, I just gotta buy a hotdog then we'll get back on the road." Mrs. Soze says "Okay but hurry up, I don't want anyone to discover my True Identity." Keyser enters the gas station and picks up a hotdog. Then he realizes that he left his wallet back at the safe house, and figures that he's already a mastermind criminal so he may as well add "hotdog theft" to his list of crimes. But then as he's leaving the clerk is like "Hey buddy, is that a hotdog in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" They both laugh at this hilarious joke, then the clerk says "Seriously though, you better pay for that." There is an awkward silence for 30 seconds as Keyser thinks about his next move, being the calculated genius that he is. Then he pulls the hotdog out of his pocket and eats it. "Pay for what?" He says, then starts walking out of the place with a stupid fucking smirk on his face.

The clerk has tears in his eyes. He can't believe what just happened. He flashes back to 5 years ago, when a criminal stole a hotdog and used it to beat his wife to death. Then he's like "No, not again" and he jumps over the counter and runs at Keyser Soze. At that very moment, Detective Johnson crashes through the widow and also runs at Keyser Soze. Keyzer jumps into the air at just the right time, so the clerk and the detective run into each other. As they're both lying unconscious on the floor, Keyser realizes this is his big chance. He steals all the hotdogs in the place and runs back to the car. He jumps in and tells Mrs. Soze to cheese it, because the guy who's been chasing them for the last 2 weeks is inside the goddamn gas station. She tries to drive away, but the car won't start. Then they look out the window and notice that someone has poured sugar in the gas tank. Keyser dips a hotdog in the sugar and then eats some of it. Then Detective Johnson shoots him in the hand and makes him drop the rest of the sugar-gas-hotdog.

Keyser Soze is screaming because he just got his hand blown off. He yells out to Mrs. Soze to help him, but she panics and is like "No! He can't know my True Identity!" and she just speeds away in the Sozemobile, leaving Keyser to bleed all over the place with his hotdogs. Detective Johnson walks over and shoots off his other hand. "Let's see you eat hotdogs now, like the hot dog that you are." But Keyser isn't really hungry anymore. He's all "How did you do it, Detective? How did you defeat me?" Detective Johnson replies, "Let's just say... I had a little help from a fat friend." The fat kid from earlier looks out from behind the bushes, holding a bag of sugar, and he and Johnson wink at each other. I guess he didn't die after all. Johnson picks up a hotdog and throws it to Fatty. "Here, Fat Kid," he says, "Go have yourself a snack. You don't wanna see what I'm about to do." "Okay, mister. I love you." Says Fat Kid, and he walks away into the sunset, chewing on his Hotdog of Love.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Run Lola Run II: Lola Goes Bananas

It's been 20 years since the events of Run Lola Run. Lola's boyfriend is dead now and she has an 18 year old daughter named Lalo. Lalo likes to "Lay low" if you know what I mean. Lola is now retired from running and she owns a restaurant. It's like Rocky Balboa except she's a runner and not a boxer. One night, two punk kids come into the restaurant and rob everybody at gunpoint. They put all the money and shit into a bag and run away. Someone's like "Run, Lola, run! You have to stop them!" so she starts chasing the punks. Punk #1 sees her and is like "Holy shit, it's the famous Running Lola! We better cheese it!" So Lola's chasing them for a few minutes, and she almost catches up to them, but then she has to stop and throw up. She sits down on the curb and tries to catch her breath. She's like 50 years old now so come on, of course she didn't catch them. Then some random kid walks up to her and says "Look at you, Lola. You used to be somethin'. Now you're nothin' but a bum in the streets." Then that kid walks away, never to be seen again.

When Lola returns to the restaurant, everyone's like "So where the fuck is our shit, dawg?" and they're all disappointed in her for not retrieving everything, these selfish fucking assholes. Also one of the people who had their shit stolen is a restaurant critic and because of these events he gives her restaurant only 2 stars out of 5. Lola tries to make up for her customers' losses by giving them all two free cases of her home-made Lola Cola. They all take the Cola, but they're still not happy. And neither is Lola, because she lost a lot of money tonight, but more importantly, she also lost... her dignity, or something. So now Lola's standing in her empty restaurant, and a mysterious stranger enters. He makes her an offer she can't refuse: If she comes out of retirement for one last run, he'll pay her one million dollars. He'll also find the two punks who robbed the restaurant and murder them. So Lola's like "okay cool"

Later, Lola is training for the running. Her daughter Lalo comes to visit her and she's all "What the fuck are you doing, you're too old, you're gonna die, you don't have to prove anything, blah blah blah" and Lola's like "Shut the fuck up" so the Lalo does the opposite of shutting the fuck up: she screams really loudly, and all the in the room glass shatters into a bazillion pieces. Then she runs away, but she didn't inherit her mother's running abilities, so she sucks at running. She trips over on the way out and some random kid (not the same one as before) is like "Have a nice TRIP when you TRIPPED OVER, DAY TRIPPER?!" So then Lola goes over to Lalo and they have a very emotional mother/daughter moment. Lola's like "I gotta do this... there's no other way" and Lalo's like "Cool I hope you win" because she changed her mind since a few seconds ago.

The day of The Big Run. Lola has been training a lot, but everybody's still like "There's no way this old bitch can run". But she sure proves them wrong. She runs faster than the speed of light. She runs around the whole planet twice. Now everyone's like "Holy shit, this old bitch is clearly not human and must be destroyed", so I guess she can't win either way. Then Lola runs into the sky and returns to her home planet. Her half-human daughter is taken prisoner on Earth. The End.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: The Fast and the Curious

Beginning shortly after the end of the first movie in the Benjamin Button franchise, Cate Blanchett has recently died and now her daughter, Buttongirl, is preparing for the funeral. She's filling out the funeral application forms in her house, when there's a knock at the door. It's a girl scout, selling cookies to raise money for a girl scout camping trip or something. Buttongirl buys 10 boxes, in honor of her mother who loved girl scout cookies. Later, she's eating her third box of cookies, and suddenly chips her tooth on one of them. Then, upon closer inspection of the tooth-chipping cookie, she discovers that it's not a cookie at all, it's a fucking button. "What the fuck?" she says to her cat. Her cat is like "meow" but it doesn't really say anything. Buttongirl analyzes the button underneath a microscope and finds a hidden message: Meet me at the docks tonite if you want to know the truth about your father, Benjamin B. Button, Esquire. Come alone. You can bring your cat, I guess, because that doesn't count. Not that I have anything against cats, I'm just saying, by "alone" I mean "without any other human beings". I think you know what I mean. See you soon, I hope! They fit all that on one button somehow.

That night, Buttongirl and her cat, Mittenballs, travel to The Docks. She has mace and a switchblade with her in case anyone tries to start some shit. After waiting around for a few minutes, she's like "where the fuck is this guy" and her cat just says "meow-meow". So then some gang members start walking towards her. Guy #1 is all "Well, well, looky what we got here" and Buttongirl quickly pulls out her mace and sprays it all over the guy's face. Then her cat jumps on him and scratches the shit out him, but that just gets mace all over the cat so now the cat is rolling around on the ground in pain too. The second gang member is like "You is gonna pay for that, bee-yotch" and is about to attack her, but she pulls out her switchblade and throws it at him, hitting him in the eye. Now he's on the ground next to the first guy and the cat, and they're all crying and shit. So Buttongirl picks up Mittenballs and runs away.

The next day, Buttongirl is eating some Cereal-O's and chips another tooth. Because there was a button in her cereal. This button also has a secret message for her: Dear Buttongirl, where were you last night? I got there at 10pm and waited like 2o minutes for you. I'll be there again tonite, so please show up. Your pal, Anonymous. Buttongirl just throws the button away and her cat eats it. A few hours later, she's meeting with a funeral director about her mother's funeral, and she can't concentrate on what he's saying because there's something weird about the top button of his shirt. She rips the button off him and examines is closely, finding another message: Why did you feed the last button to your cat? Buttongirl's like "How am I supposed to respond to these button messages?" And the funeral director just thinks she's crazy but he still agrees to organize the funeral because she has a lot of money.

Two days later, at the funeral, Buttongirl gets hit in the face by something. It's another button. She doesn't read it, but she looks around and sees some guy hiding behind a tree. She's like "Hey asshole" and he runs away. She chases him all through the cemetery but isn't able to catch him. When she finally stops running, she realizes that she is at the grave of Benjamin Button. But the grave is fucking empty! Someone dug up Benjamin's baby-corpse. There is one final button sitting on the gravestone with a secret message that explains everything: I dug up Benjamin Button's corpse so I could harvest his unique DNA in order to create the perfect killing machine. Soon I will control the world, and it's all thanks to you, Buttongirl! To be concluded...

Monday, May 18, 2009

Elephant Man II: The Curse of the Elephant Man

It has been one year since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. It's also Halloween. Because he died on Halloween. Some kids are trick-or-treating, and one of them is dressed as an elephant. But it's hard to tell what he's supposed to be because it's a poorly-made costume, so when his friends first see him they're like "what are you supposed to be" and says "I'm an elephant, man." Then a mysterious voice from the bushes says "Somebody say mah name?" and a guy with a bag over his head jumps out of the bushes and kills the elephant costume kid with his signature weapon: an ivory elephant tusk. The other kids are like "Holy cunt-balls" and they run away. But they don't make it very far, because the mysterious hooded figure throws several elephant tusk stars at them and takes two of them down. Then there's only one kid left. It's a girl named Ellie. Ellie Phant. She climbs up a tree and hides there, because she figures that this guy is the Elephant Man and elephants can't climb trees. But her name is Ellie Phant and she just climbed it so it's ironic or something. The killer stands right under the tree, but he doesn't know Ellie is up there. He yells out "I know you can hear me, kid. And I'm gonna find you. Even if I have to wait a year, you will meet your maker at the hands of the Elephant Man! Because that's who I am!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been two years since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. And it's been one year since an evil supervillan claiming to be The Elephant Man killed several innocent children on Halloween. But it's not Halloween yet, it's Halloween Eve, and Ellie Phant is scared that the Elephant Man is going to come back to kill her, the only survivor of The Elephant Man Massacre. Her boyfriend is like "Don't worry, baby, I can protect you." Then they start making out, and as the clock ticks over to 12:01am the camera pans across to the window and we see the guy with a bag over his head looking creepily through the window. Ellie sees him and starts screaming but when Boyfriend looks over he's gone and he thinks she just imagined it. He walks over and opens the window and he's like "See, there's no Elephant Man here. Except for the elephant... in my heart." Suddenly, a giant elephant tusk impales him through the chest and kills him. The killer pulls the tusk out and looks at Ellie through Boyfriend's gaping chest wound. He's like "I told you what I'd do, Ellie, and an elephant never forgets!" Ellie screams and quickly runs to her parents' bedroom, but her parents are already dead. She grabs her dad's gun starts firing it at the killer, but he deflects the bullets with his giant elephant tusk. One of the bullets ricochets into Ellie's eye, and that's how she got the nickname "One-Eyed Ellie". So now the "Elephant Man" is standing over ol' One-Eyed Ellie about to decapitate her with his elephant tusk machete. When all of a sudden, a mouse runs across the floor. The Elephant Man is like "Eek!!" And runs away. Because elephants are afraid of mice. Looks like Ellie has found her secret weapon. While the killer is standing on a chair Ellie jumps out the window and runs away, while he yells "You haven't heard the last me, One-Eyed Ellie! Even if it takes another year, you will be murdered by me, The Elephant Man!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been three years since John Merrick died, two since those kids were killed, and one since the Elephant Man killer returned and killed more people. This time Ellie is ready for him. She's been working out, now she's like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. And it's Judgement Day, alright. Prepare to be judged. It's 12:01, Halloween, and she goes out and stands on her front lawn. She's like "Come and get me, sucka" and she's smoking a cigar. Also she's wearing an eye patch. But the Elephant Man doesn't show up for some reason.

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been four years since John Merrick died, three since the Elephant Man killed some kids, two since he came back to finish off the last survivor and failed due to his fear of mice, and one since he accidentally went to the wrong house so Ellie Phant got that year off. Ellie is married now, and since the evil Elephant Man didn't show up last year, she think that whole ordeal is over and done with. But BOY OH BOY OH FUCKING BOY-O BOY is she wrong. Dead wrong. She's having dinner with her husband, when there's a knock at the door. Things get really tense and scary as Ellie goes to open the door. But it's not the killer, it's just the Chief of Police. He's like "Are you sure you don't want any protection this year? Just because the Elephant Man took last year off doesn't mean he won't come back to kill you. After all, you are his worst enemy. And if I were him, which I'm not, I would want to murder the fucking shit out of you and rape you while forcing your husband to watch." But Ellie's like "Don't worry, Chief, I'll be fine." So the chief leaves. A minute later, there's a knock at the door again, so Ellie opens it all "I saaaaaiiiiddd I'll be fine, Chief" But it's actually the Elephant Man this time, and he's like "Who you callin' CHIEF, sucka"

The evil Elephant Man swings his elephant tusk sword at Ellie, but she leans back, Matrix-style, and dodges the attack. Then she does a back flip and kicks the killer in the face. Ellie and Elephant Man have a big Kung-Fu fight for 10 minutes while Ellie's husband just sits there and watches this amazing showdown. Eventually it looks like Elephant Mas has the upper hand - he has Ellie in a Kung-Fu Grip and she can't move. He's about to break her arms, but she is able to jump into the air while he's holding on to her so they crash through the ceiling and land on the roof of the house. Her husband's like "Damn, now I can't see the fight." So now they're on the roof, and they're fighting with elephant tusk swords. Ellie manages to force Elephant Man over to the edge of the house, and Elephant Man is afraid of heights, so this gives Ellie the upper hand, and she cuts both of his legs off. He then falls off the roof, but it's only a one-story house so he lands comfortably on the grass. He tries crawling away, but Ellie jumps down and cuts both of his arms off. Then she's like "Now let's find out how you really are!" And she pulls his mask off to reveal that he was Anthony Hopkins all along. But she doesn't even know who that is.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Part II: Logan's Run

Wolverine is in a bar in Japan, in the 1980s, and the bartender's asks "Are you drinking to forget?" and he replies "No, I'm drinkin' to remember." Then Sabretooth enters and he's like, "Remember me... brother?" But Wolverine doesn't remember. "How could you forget... your brother... brother?" says Sabretooth. Wolverine is like "Are you my brother or something?" then we cut to a flashback of Wolvie & Sabie as kids. It's like 1886 and they've just run away from home. Sabie is like "Come on, bro! We're gonna be best friends forever! Nothing can tear us apart, ever!" and Wolvie (or as he was known back then, "Logan") agrees that they will always fight side-by-side, even if they live for more than a hundred years and even if he gets an Adamantium skeleton. But because he's just a kid, he mispronounces it as "Aluminum" because kids say the darnedest things.

Anyway, before they leave their home town, Logan wants to say goodbye to his girlfriend, Norma-Jean. He goes to see her and she's all "I already know what you're going to say, Logie" and Logie's confused, because how could she know?? It's not like she can read his mind. She tells him to just leave, and that she never wants to see him again, and she never will, ever. Then after Logan walks away, Norma-Jean's brother comes up to her and he's like "hey I just figured out how to make people travel a hundred years into the future" so he zaps Norma-Jean and she teleports to the future and changes her name to Jean Grey. The Origin of Jean Grey has been revealed.

Logan meets up with his brother Sabie again, and Sabie's like "I'm glad she's gone, bro. We'll never see her again! You'll especially never see her again." and Logan says he already forgot her name. Then they start walking out of town and Logan accidentally steps on a toad. He's like "Goddamn I hate toads." Then he kicks it away. The toad watches them leave, and then there's a time-lapse or something that shows how the toad mutated over a hundred years until he eventually became the evil mutant known as Toad. The Origin of Toad has been revealed.

A few years later, Wolverine and Sabertooth are fighting Nazis in Germany. They see some Nazis carrying a kid to a Death Camp, and Wolvie is like "Yo we should help him" and Sabie just says "Fuck that little fuck, he can suck my fucking dick, faggot" So Wolvie goes to rescue the kid by himself. He slices up the Nazis with his claws, and then picks up a Nazi Grenade and throws it at a Nazi Tank. Then he carries the kid to safety in slow-motion while the tank explodes in the background. The kid wakes up and he's like "We have to save the other jews" and Wolvie's like "Okay bub, but this could be dangerous. You're gonna have to wear a helmet." And he picks up a helmet off the ground and puts it on the kid's head. But the helmet is way too big for him and it covers his whole head so he looks like Magneto. Because he is Magneto. Also the kid picks up a tank with his mind and throws it at Hitler. The Origin of Magneto has been revealed.

Wolverine and Lil' Magneto save the Jews and one of them has blue hair. A Nazi comes out of nowhere and tries to shoot the blue-haired kid but Bluey does some gymnastic shit and swings around and kicks the Nazi's head off. Wolverine is like "Damn, kid, that was a pretty beastly move." Then the kid says "Hey don't call me a Beast." The Origin of Beast has been revealed.

Later that night, Wolverine sees some guy crawling on the ground. He's crawling at night. The Origin of Nightcrawler has been revealed.

Wolverine meets back up with Sabretooth and tells him about all the crazy characters he met while fighting Nazis today. Sabie tells Wolvie about all the crazy characters he raped today. Wolvie's like "You so crazy, bub" Then we cut back to the 1980s, in the Japanese Saloon. Sabretooth asks, "Now do you remember, brother?" And Wolverine is like "No." The End. Then, after the credits, Sabretooth morphs into a naked blue chick. Some guy sees her and he's like "Who are you?" And she says "My name is Teek. Miss Teek." The Origin of Mystique has been revealed.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Faster & Furiouser: 5 Fast 5 Furious: The Sandwich Technique

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are now roommates for some reason. One day Walker comes home from working at the FBI and Diesel is on the couch playing Mario Kart 64 with some other dudes, and Walker's like "Yo Vin, did you buy any milk?" but he didn't buy any milk because he was playing video games all day. Walker is like "You're making me furious!" then he goes to buy the milk. After he's gone, Diesel's Mario Kart buddies are like "That guy's a pussy, why do you still live with him?" and Diesel just says "Oh, I have my reasons..." then he fires a turtle shell at the other guy and wins the race. "Looks like I won, Princess," he says (the other guy was using the Princess Peach character), "Now fork it over, bitch." Then the other guy hands Vin Diesel a big bag of delicious heroin. And the bag has a picture of Wario on it.

The next day, Paul Walker is at the FBI Building when his boss is like "Walker, see me in my office!" So Walker goes in there and the boss fires him from the FBI because he says he found heroin in his locker. Walker's like "That ain't my heroin!!" so the boss says he'll have to take a drug test. Walker's like "fine" and takes the specimen cup to go and fill it up, but the boss stops him and says "No. I want you do it here. In front of me. I want to watch you pee in this cup." So he does, and then he gets fired because even though it wasn't his heroin, he smokes weed every day and the drug test revealed that to the boss. Also, the bag of heroin that they found had a picture of Wario on it. So Walker goes home and tells Diesel that he got fired, but then he sees that Vinny Boy also has a bag of Wario Heroin. He's like "what the fuck, did you frame me bro?" and Diesel says that the guy who gave him the heroin must have framed Walker because he beat him at Mario Kart, and he wanted Paul to think Vin was the one who framed him because he is jealous of their love.

Vin & Paul furiously and fastly drive to the heroin dealer's house. When they get there Paul Walker jumps his car onto the roof somehow, and Vin Diesel fires turtle shells at the house. Paul yells down the chimney, "You better get out here fast, because I'm furiouser than ever!!" Suddenly, Heroin Dealer drives his own car out of the second floor of the house and lands on the neighbor's roof. He's like "Fuck you, Paul Walker!" then he drives away, jumping from rooftop-to-rooftop, while Walker gives chase. Vin Diesel is still following them from the road. When they finally run out of rooftops, HD and Walker jump their cars onto the road and HD starts throwing banana peels behind him to try and slip up Vin & Paul. So Paul & Vin have to slow down a little to avoid slipping on all these banana peels, and as they're driving next to each other, Vin says "I think we should use the Sandwich Technique!" Paul understands, so they both count to three and then fire the nitros so they speed up next to HD. Now one of them is driving on either side of the Heroin Dealer, and he's panicking and shit, yelling "What the fuck do you want??" And Vin Diesel is like "We wanna make you fuckin' sandwich, Princess" and then Vin Diesel and Paul Walker each pull out a fucking Uzi and start firing bullets into HD. They shoot the fucking shit out of him.

A few minutes later, they're finally out of bullets so they stop and look in the back of HD's car. They find more bags of Wario Heroin and some files that explain how he planned to frame Paul & Vin for assassinating the president. They're like "whaaaaaat" then suddenly we cut to the White House, where The President is walking outside in his bathrobe to pick up his morning paper. But when he picks it up, someone shoots him in the head!! Then, we pull back to reveal that the sniper who shot him is none other than Michelle Rodriguez, Vin Diesel's allegedly dead girlfriend! She makes a phone call to HD, but because he's dead, VD answers it. MR is like "It's done. Are Diesel and Walker in position?" and Vin's like "Uh... yes?" Somehow they don't recognize each other's voices. Then Michelle's like "Good, then your work is done." and she presses a big red button. HD's car starts beeping, so Vin and Paul jump out of the way in slow motion as it explodes. Paul Walker's like "This all could've been avoided if you bought some milk" and Vin Diesel replies "Suck my dick" Then they laugh and high-five. Meanwhile, Michelle Rodriguez gets into her own car and drives it into the white house. Her car has three turtle shells spinning around it so nobody can do anything to stop her.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Children of Men II: Look Who's Talking

Clive Owen and The World's Youngest Woman have been raising the world's only baby for six months now. They take the baby to a doctor for a checkup and the doc tells them that the baby's hearing is fucked up, and they're like "how could this be??" and then the baby says "Probably because on the day I was born, I had a million guns and explosions going off right next to my tiny ears! Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" only the baby doesn't really say it, we just hear Bruce Willis's voice-over (even though the baby is a girl). So the doctor is like "it's okay, we just need to give her an Ear Transplant" and it turns out the only person in the world whose blood cells are compatible with the baby's is Clive Owen. The next day, they perform the Ear Transplant, so now the baby has one adult-sized ear and Clive Owen has one baby-sized ear. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Great, now I look like a freak" and Clive's like "what the fuck" because now he can hear the baby's Bruce Willis Thoughts.

Clive Owen is like "Holy shit you guys, I can hear Cliveena's thoughts!" (The baby was named after Clive Owen) but nobody believes him. The Doc is like "Please, Clive Owen, I am a scientist and what you're saying is impossible" and then the Bruce Willis VO says "This doctor is a real cocksucker, right Clive?" and Clive's like "haha good one, Cliveena" so now the Doc and WYW just think he's crazy. Later, Clive Owen is buying a sandwich and some guy comes up and says "Well if it isn't Crazy Baby Ear, hear any babies lately?" and Clive Owen punches him in the fucking face because he's a badass. Then he's about to eat the sandwich, but he notices there's a note inside. It says "Meet me behind the sandwich store". So he goes behind the sandwich store and finds Cliveena, who crawled there somehow. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Thanks for meeting me here, Clive" and Clive's like "Dude, you're the only baby in the world, you can't be crawling around behind sandwich stores. It's too dangerous. Just a minute ago I had to punch someone in the fucking face." Then the police show up and they of course think that Clive Owen kidnapped the baby, so they arrest him. The last thing he hears as he's being taken away is the Bruce Willis VO saying "Don't worry, Clive Owen, I'll bust you outta the joint!"

So now Clive Owen is in prison, but Cliveena manages to break in through the air ducts. While she's crawling through the ducts she's holding a lighter in one hand like in Die Hard. Meanwhile, WYW realizes her baby is gone, so she goes to Clive Owen and asks what he did with her. He's like "I've been in prison the whole time, I didn't do shit." Then the baby kicks open the air duct grating in Clive's cell and Bruce Willis VO is like "Come with me if you want to live" but WYW can't hear that so she's like "Holy shit you hid my baby in the air ducts? You really are crazy!" So then the police transfer Clive Owen to the psychiatric ward of the prison. Now he's sharing a cell with the famous supervillian, "Scarf-Face". He's a guy with a scarf wrapped around his face. Clive is like "Hello, Scarface" and Scarf-Face is like "I'm not Scarface, I'm Scarf-Face!!" and this comedic routine goes on for several minutes.

Eventually Clive Owen explains to Scarf-Face what happened. He's like "I know it sounds crazy, but I could really hear that baby's thoughts. And she sounded just like Bruce Willis, star of such films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser." Scarf-Face is like "It doesn't sound crazy to me..." And he removes the scarf from his face to reveal that he too has a baby-ear. He explains "That is the origin of how I became Scarf-Face. To block out the sound of Bruce Willis's voice-over. And now, Clive Owen, I pass the torch to you. You are the new Scarf-Face." He hands the face-scarf to Clive, but he's like "Dude I'm not wearing this until after I wash it." So he washes it in the prison laundry room and then puts it on. The former Scarf-Face, now face-scarfless, is like "Finally, I can now die a peaceful death..." But it's not like he's sick or anything, so he doesn't actually die. He just stands there awkwardly until Clive Owen's like "are you going to die or what", and Scarfless-Face just silently backs out of the room. Clive Owen never sees him again. Later, the World's Youngest Woman brings Cliveena to see Clive in prison. WYW asks "Why are you wearing a scarf on your face?" and he tells her, "I am Scarf-Face!" Cliveena's Bruce Willis VO is like "I just wanted someone to talk to. Why won't you talk to me, Clive Owen?" But Clive can't hear her... Not anymore. Because he is Scarf-Face.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Valkyrie II: Tears of a Führer

After Tom Cruise's plan failed (spoiler alert), ol' one-eye-one-hand himself was executed for committing treason. Two Nazis named Bill & Ted are carrying the recently shot Tom Cruise away to throw him in a mass grave. But before they throw him in, Bill is like "I'm gonna steal this guy's eye patch as a souvenir. Plus I think I'd look cool with an eye patch." Ted's like "Whatever dude, just hurry up, we're gonna be late for the Pizza Party" and he skips away. Bill takes off Tom's eye patch and is surprised to find a note in Tom's eye-hole. He takes it out and unfolds it... it says "If you are reading this, it means I am dead and you stole my eye patch. Check inside my butt for further instructions LOL" After making sure that nobody can see him, Bill checks inside Tom Cruise's anus and finds an audio tape. He wipes it off with his Nazi Cloth and then puts the tape in his Walkman and starts listening.

"Oh, hello! Didn't see you come in. My name is Colonel Thomas Von Cruisenburg, and what you're listening to right now is my Secret Butthole Tape. You're probably thinking I really fucked things up by getting executed, but trust me, it's all going according to plan. And if you want to save Hitler, you're going to have to do exactly as I say... further instructions can be found in my dick-hole." Bill starts looking in TC's dick-hole, and a few seconds later the tape continues: "Ha ha, there's nothing in my dick-hole. April Fools! Anyway, whoever you are, I need you to go to 123 Berlin Street. If you don't get there in 10 minutes, your beloved Adolf Hitler will die!" Bill is like, "Nein! Mein Liebshen!" and runs off to Berlin St. Then Ted finally comes back to see what's taking so long, and sees Tom Cruise lying on the ground with his pants off, and he's like "what the fuck"

Bill gets to the warehouse on Berlin St. just in the nick of time, and finds Hitler strapped to a table, with a giant axe hanging from the ceiling above him, swinging back-and-forth. Hitler also has a bunch of tubes attached to him that are hooked up to a giant vat of delicious barbeque sauce. Bill plays the tape again (he paused it after the previous instruction) to find out what he's supposed to do: "Well, I guess you made it to the warehouse. Well done, you're better than I expected. Now, if you want to free Adolf, you just need to find the key. And that key can be found... inside Hitler's dick-hole." Bill quickly unzips Hitler's pants to start looking, and the tape continues: "Ha ha, I can't believe you fell for that again! I guess you just love dick-holes or something." Bill looks at Hitler and says "I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I do not love dick-holes."

The Butthole Tape continues: "Okay homo, here's what you really have to do: Inside that giant vat of barbeque sauce, there's an unconscious guy with an oxygen tank (so he can breathe in there) who has the key to Hitler's chains. But you have to KILL HIM to get the key. Alternatively, you can save the unconscious guy, but if you do that then Hitler's veins will be filled with the delicious barbeque sauce and then he'll be cut in half by the giant axe and his blood will be mixed with the barbeque sauce. So WHICH ONE WILL YOU SAVE?" Bill is like "Duh, I'm gonna kill the guy in the sauce so I can save Hitler. Why would I give a fuck about the other guy?" so that's what he does. After he's free, Hitler is like "Thank you for saving me. If there's anything I can do to repay you..." and Bill says "It was an honor, my Nazi Friend. Just getting to shake your hand is all the repayment I need." So he shakes Hitler's hand, but shockingly, Hitler's hand comes off! It was a prosthetic hand! Then he takes off his mustache and wig, and it's not even Hitler! It's Tom Fucking Cruise!

Suddenly, we flash back to earlier, when Bill's Nazi Friend Ted is going to inspect Tom Cruise's half-naked corpse. But when he goes to inspect the corpse, Tom Cruise suddenly grabs him with his three-fingered hand and snaps his neck! Because he was wearing a bullet-proof vest the whole time, he was never dead! Then he puts on a fake mustache and hand, and takes a shortcut to the Berlin St. warehouse. It turns out that the guy in the BBQ sauce tank, who Bill killed, was the REAL Hitler. Bill is like "Neeeeeein!!" and Tom Cruise just smiles and pours some delicious barbeque sauce into a glass and drinks it. It tastes more delicious than ever, thanks to the secret ingredient: Hitler's tears.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Ring Three: Ring Kong

On one grave September morn, some guy who works at an IMAX theater plays the Ring Tape on the big screen as a joke (He had it transferred to IMAX film or whatever they use), but it backfires when Dead Bitch crawls out of the screen like always... only because it's a gigantic IMAX screen, now Dead Bitch is a fucking giant. She steps on everyone and runs out into the city to find Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Naomi Watts and her son Naomi Jr. have moved into ANOTHER new house and this time NJ is like "hey maybe we shouldn't have any TVs or VCRs in our house this time", but Naomi's like "Come on, it'll be okay.. that dead chick is gone forever after what happened in The Ring Two, so you don't have to worry" Then she buys a 52 inch plasma TV with a 9.1 surround sound speaker system.

Back in the city, Dead Bitch is rampaging through the streets, flipping over cars and shit. She's like "Where are you Naomi Watts" and some guy from the FBI hears her say that and he's like "I know that name..." Then he calls Naomi Watts on the phone because she's his cousin or something. He's like "The Dead Ring Bitch is destroying the city, and you're the only one who can stop her!" And Naomi says her famous catch phrase, "I'm gettin' to old for this motherfuckin' cocksuckin' bullshit." So then Naomi and NJ travel to the city in the Ringmobile, and when they get there the Giant Dead Bitch grabs Naomi and starts climbing up the Empire State Building. While she's climbing up some fighter jets are shooting at her, but she destroys them with her laser eyes. Naomi's FBI Cousin is on the phone with the President and he's all "Mr. President, we have to use the SECRET WEAPON!" Naomi Junior overhears and asks what the secret weapon is, and FBI Cousin says "The Secret weapon is FUCK YOU" because he doesn't like that kid.

The President gives approval to use the SECRET WEAPON, and the CIA drive up in a van and pull out this giant fucked up gun. FBI Cousin tells them "Make sure you shoot it at Naomi Watts and don't hit Ring Kong" and CIA Guy is like "Did you just say 'Ring Kong'? That's fucking stupid. This is serious, you FBI faggot" then FBI Cousin starts crying and runs away. Naomi Junior is like "ha ha what a pussy". So then the CIA fire the Secret Weapon at Naomi Watts, and suddenly Naomi Watts grows to the same size as Dead Ring Bitch. Because the Secret Weapon is an Enlarging Ray. Anyway now Giant Naomi Watts and Giant Dead Bitch are have a big giant monster fight, destroying buildings and accidentally crushing half of the city's population. Dead Bitch tries to shoot Naomi with her laser eyes, but fortunately the Enlarging Ray also gave her laser eyes, so their laser eyes cancel each other out. Somehow they end up wrestling in a giant mud pit and Dead Bitch tears Naomi's shirt off. This monster battle is being broadcast live on television so millions of people see this offensive display of nudity.

So they keep fighting for another 45 minutes until Naomi eventually pokes one of DB's eyes out with a tree. That's when Naomi notices that DB's eye socket looks like a RING... and by removing her eye, she has freed DB's evil demons or something. So now Dead Former-Bitch is like "Thanks for saving me, Naomi Watts... It was my plan all along." But then a stealth jet swoops down and fires a huge missile right at her face. And by "her" I mean Naomi Watts, because they fired it at her by mistake. So Dead Not-Bitch is like "Nooooooooo" and dives in front of the missile, which blows up her head and double-kills her. Then the stealth jet lands and the pilot is like "Fuck yeah, I got her!" and some random guy walks up and says "It wasn't airplanes... 'twas beauty killed the beast" but then the pilot takes his helmet off and he's ugly as fuck, so the random guy is like "oh never mind".

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Jurassic Park IV: Attack of the SKYnosaurs

Jeff Goldblum is telling his kid about how this one time many years ago he was chased by a T-Rex. The kid's like "Yeah right Dad, you're a fucking liar" so then Jeff Goldblum grounds him and takes away his X-Box 360. Also the kid was playing some video game where you fight dinosaurs, so he's like "Fighting dinosaurs is easy! You're just a pussy, Dad" so he was grounded for saying that too. Then after the kid goes up to his room, Jeff starts playing the video game. He makes it to level 3, where the in-game character finds a huge pile of dinosaur shit and says "That is one big pile of shit." Jeff's like "Hmm, that sounds familiar" and he keeps playing. On level 5, he's in a jeep being chased by a T-Rex and the in-game character is like "We must go faster"... then later in the game there's a bonus stage where you control the two kids in the kitchen who are hiding from Velociraptors. But you need two players for that part, so that's when he stops playing. He finally looks at the video game case and sees that it's called "Purassic Jark"...

Jeff Goldberg walks over to his neighbor Dr. John Hammond's house and rudely enters without knocking. Because he's like Hammond's wacky neighbor so he does that all the time. Hammond is like "what the fuck" and quickly hides something under a sheet. We don't see what it was though, it's a mystery. Jeff's all "Hey Doc, have you seen this game?" and Hammond's like "I gots better things to do than play video games. I'm 90 years old." So Jeff wheels John in his wheelchair over to his house and shows him the Purassic Jark game. And the sequel, where a T-Rex runs through the city and Velociraptors do gymnastics or something. John doesn't see Jeff's point, but then Jeff's like "Try putting on your glasses you old fuck" and John Hammond says his catchphrase "I'm too old for this shit." Eventually they look at the game manual and see that the video game company is called Hammond Games. And Hammond's like "Oh yeah, my niece created a video game company." He forgot because he's senile and shit. His niece was into computers or something in Jurassic Park so now she makes video games. About dinosaurs. But she crossed the line when she made a game about the tragic events of Jurassic Park...

Jeff Goldstein goes to Hammond Games to see John's niece. I think her name was Alex. Or maybe Alexis. John couldn't remember because he's too old. Alex is like "What's the big deal? I was running out of Dinosaur Game ideas, so I decided to base this one on a true story." Oh, what's the big deal? Well here's the big fuckin' deal: The ghost of Dennis Nedry (Newman from Seinfeld) died at the Jurassic Park island, and now his ghost is haunting some copies of the game. Just kidding. Actually Jeff is just offended that Alexis didn't ask him to do his own voice in the game. She got Mike Myers to do it, so now Jeff Goldblum's game character sounds like Shrek. And Jeff hates that movie. So Alex says "Follow me to the recording studio, and we'll re-do the lines with your voice" and Jeff follows her, but as soon as he's not looking, she hits him in the head with a hammer! When Jeff wakes up, he's duct-taped to a chair. Dr. Grant and Dr. Satler from Jurassic Park are in there too, also taped to chairs. Jeff's like "what are you two doing here" and Alexis walks in and says "The same thing as you, Jeff Goldblum..."

Jeff Goldenface then is forced to listen to Alexis explain her plan. "I was selling Purassic Jark video games so I could get the money to build a Dinosaur Blimp. It would be like a dinosaur petting zoo except on a blimp. If any of the dinosaurs escaped we could just open a hatch in the blimp and flush them out so they'd fall to their deaths. All the humans in the blimp would have parachutes so they'd be okay. It's just like Jurassic Park, only instead of an island it's a blimp, so nothing could go wrong!" That's her explanation. Jeff is like "...seriously?" and Alex says, "I couldn't have done it without a little help from my favorite uncle, Dr. John Hammond." And then John walks out, and Jeff is shocked because he didn't need a wheelchair at all! Then we flash back to earlier when he was hiding something under a sheet, and he was actually hiding a model of the Dino Blimp. He was also jerking off onto the sheet. "You'll never get away with this, John!" yells Jeff. "Those dinosaurs aren't going to stay locked up in that blimp, because life finds a way, or something" So then John and Alexis open up the dinosaur blimp and it actually does work out okay, for a few months at least. Then someone claims that she was raped by a Velociraptor, and they have to close the blimp down for a while. But it turns out she just made it up so she could make a "Velocirapist" joke. So the DinoBlimp was a good idea. None of the dinosaurs escaped and/or killed anybody. Jeff Goldblum can go fuck himself.

Monday, March 23, 2009

She's the Man 2: She's the Manager

It's been five years since Amanda Bynes pretended to be her twin brother so she could play soccer. Now she's retired from her soccer career because she injured her knee during a game and had to have her leg amputated. So now she wears a prosthetic leg. Her friends call her Pro-Leg. After she retired, her soccer coach got her a job at his brother-in-law's hardware store. The Manager of the store is always like "Well if it isn't the big-shot soccer star" and is always looking for some reason to fire her. He's like "You may have been the only girl out on that soccer field, but there's like 7 girls working here, and you're not even the hottest. You're like the third-hottest." Then he starts limping away, because he has a leg injury too. Pro-Leg is like, "Whatever, you fuckin' gimp" and the Manger's like "WHAAAT?" but Pro-Leg quickly covers, "I said 'my boyfriend's dick is limp'" and the Manager's like "Oh okay". Also it wouldn't really make sense for her to call him a gimp since she's even more of a gimp than he is. Then another hardware store worker named Billy-Bob comes up to her and says "Hey I heard you called the Manager a gimp! That's awesome! Way to stand up to the man(ager)!" and he's not being sarcastic, even if it sounds that way. By the way he's limping around too, so there's yet another cripple working at the hardware store. Pro-Leg looks around and finally realizes that EVERYONE in the store is crippled, and she's like "What is this, some kinda Gimptown?" and Billy-Bob explains that the hardware store used to be called "Gimptown" but they had to change the name because it was offensive to gimps.

Later that night, Pro-Leg wakes up at the hardware store and realizes that she must have fallen asleep while stocking the paint shelves, because she accidentally left all of the paint cans open and breathed in all the fumes. Or maybe she was just tired. So she thinks she's the only one in the store, and starts walking towards the exit, but then she realizes the manager is here too, in his office, so she has to try and sneak out without him seeing her. Then she sees something SO SHOCKING SERIOUSLY... the manager takes his wig off and removes his shirt, and that's when Pro-Leg discovers that the manger is actually a womanager! She's like "Hey, you stole my idea!" and the manager's like "WHAAAT?" and Pro-Leg covers, "I said 'my boyfriend shops at Ikea'" and the manager's like "Oh, okay. Hey wait, who the hell's out there?" So then Pro-Leg runs away. Only she can't run very fast because of her fake leg. But it's okay because the manager can't run fast either due to her fucked up leg. When Pro-Leg gets home she vows to get revenge on the lying manager, the best way she knows how... She goes over to Billy-Bob's house and convinces him to disguise himself as a girl named "Billie-Barb" so he can seduce the hardware store manager.

The next day, Pro-Leg introduces Billie-Barb to the manger (Who, coincidentally, is named "Schmanager". So maybe that's why she wanted to be a manager). The two fall instantly in love, but because Schmanager is actually a girl she's like "Hey does this mean I'm gay?" and because Billie-Barb is actually a guy he's like "Hey does this mean I'M gay?" But they don't care, they just start having sex in the manager's office. But remember, Schmanager is a girl pretending to be a guy, and Billie-Barb is a guy pretending to be a girl, and neither one knows the other's true gender, so Schmanager is really just putting her fake penis in Billie-Barb's fake vagina. It's complicated. Suddenly, the owner of the hardware store, Roger Gimpton (David Cross) shows up, and he's like "Where's the manager?" So Pro-Leg tells him that he's in his office. Gimpton opens the office door, only to find Billie-Barb sucking Schmanager's fake dick. Pro-Leg tells Billie-Barb (through the secret audio device hidden his his fake left tit) to go through with the last part of the operation, "Now, BB! Tell Gimpton that the manager forced you to blow him!" But BB can't do it. Because he's in love. Then Schmanager's like "I forced him to do it!" Because she's also in love, and it trying to cover for BB. Then they run away together and get married, but they never reveal their true genders to each other. Billy-Bob even pretends to be pregnant a few months later, but they don't think they're ready to raise a child, so he has to pretend to have an abortion.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Speed III: This Time It's Purse-onal!

Someone puts a bomb in Sandra Bullock's purse and tells her that if she doesn't keep spending money, the purse will explode. So she spends hundreds of thousands of millions of hundred of dollars, until her boyfriend Keanu Reeves is like "Yo, what's up with all the spending? Women be shoppin'!" Bullock tells him about the purse-bomb, and Reeves is like "That makes no sense. How would your money-spending prevent a bomb from exploding?" So then they look in the purse, and there isn't a bomb. Whoever called her made it up. You're probably thinking, "You'd have to be pretty fucking dumb to fall for that, and Sandra Bullock's character was a genius." Well, in a flashback it is revealed that when the boat exploded in Speed II: Cruise Control a small piece of metal pierced her skull and damaged her brain. And ever since then she has been losing one I.Q. point per day. Bullock and Reeves didn't find this out until just now, when Bullock is getting a Brain X-Ray. The X-Ray Doctor is like "You're down to 17 I.Q. points, Sandra Bullock. That means you've only got 17 days to live. If you were smarter you could've done that math yourself." The Doctor explains that the only way to cure Bullock is for her to get a brain transplant. And the only brain-match is Dennis Hopper, the bad guy from Speed, who has been in a coma since the end of that movie. So now it's a race against the clock to get Sandra Bullock a new brain! She's only got 17 days to get Dennis Hopper's brain! They better SPEED this shit up!!

Keanu Reeves and Retarded Sandra Bullock travel through the Himalayas, in search of Comatose Dennis Hopper. They meet an old wise man with a long white beard who tells them he knows Hopper's location. The wise man gives them a map, but Sandra is too dumb to read it, and Keanu is too stubborn to ask for directions, am i right ladies??? Also the wise man cuts off some of his beard and tapes it to Sandra Bullock's back. For no reason. He's just a weirdo. Anyway, eventually they make it to the Coma Facility. Bullock is on her last I.Q. point. So our two heroes find Dennis Hopper's room, but he's no longer in a coma. He just woke up a few minutes ago. His daughter, Denise Hopper, is there with him and she's really happy that he's awake. Keanu Reeves is like "I need your fuckin' brain, Dennis. And if you're not gonna give it to me, I'm gonna have to take it from you." and he holds up a spoon. Then he winks at the camera, because the spoon is a reference to The Matrix or something.

Denise yells at Bullock & Reeves to get out of her dad's room. She doesn't know about his history of blowing up buses and shit. So Keanu's like "Pop quiz, hotshot! How about I tell your daughter about what a crazy terrorist cocksucker you are?" And Dennis Hopper starts crying like a little bitch. He regrets everything he's done. He just wants to retire from the bus-exploding business and get to know his long-lost daughter, Denise. So he's like "If you promise not to tell my daughter, Sandra Bullock can have my brain." They make the deal, and the brain surgery goes off without a hitch. In fact, Sandra Bullock is even smarter than before. She's like criminal mastermind now. She also gives better blowjobs than ever before. But things didn't work out too well for Dennis Hopper... He's now more braindead than ever. Keanu Reeves sees this, and feels kind of bad about doing this to him, so he smothers him with a pillow. Then he rips the sink out of the bathroom floor and throws it through the window, and runs away. The End.

...Or is it??? In a shocking twist, Denise Hopper enters with the Brain Surgeon, who is like "time to put your new brain in, Mr. Hopper!" So Dennis Hopper didn't even have the new brain yet. See there's many layers of irony because if Keanu wasn't so SPEEDy, then maybe Hopper would have been okay, but Hopper was the one who gave him the need for speed by putting that bomb in the bus back in Speed Part 1. And now Sandra Bullock has his brain. So she's Denise Hopper's new dad. Uh... the end.