Sunday, May 2, 2010

Iron Man 3: Weekend at Tony's

Iron Man (A.K.A. Tony Stark) returns home to his mansion after a long night of drinking and banging whores in space. He flies inside and turns on the lights to see that the whole gang is there - Pepper Potts, Jon Favreau, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Fury... even Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men. So Iron Man/Tony Stark is like "Hey guys what's up" and they tell him that this is an intervention, they're here to convince him to go to rehab. Tony's like "Fuck you guys, I don't have a problem" and he shoots a hole in the wall with an energy pulse or whatever the fuck he fires out of his hands. Pepper Potts is like "Look at yourself, Tony, you're disgusting. You haven't taken off that Iron Man suit in over six months." Tony picks up a bottle of Jack Daniels, smashes it over his own head and yells "I AM IRON MAN." Professor Xavier of the X-Men speaks up, "Listen, Tony... I know what you're going through. If it weren't for the joys of crack-cocaine, I never would have ended up in a wheelchair. But my super-friends convinced me to get help, and now I haven't touched the stuff since 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: A younger Professor Xavier and Samuel L. Fury are speeding through the city in a Delorean. Xavier is using his mutant abilities to make the cocaine float up into his nose, so he doesn't have to take this eyes off the road. Samuel L. Fury, who has two eyes, is like "Hey motherfucker, we can't all use telekinesis, pass me some a that shit bro" so Xavier takes his eyes off the road for a second to pass him some of that shit, when suddenly some kid on a bike rides in front of the car. Xavier slams on the breaks, but it's too late... Xavier runs the bike kid over, then flies through the windshield. Fury was wearing his seat belt, but the force of the impact was so strong that his eyeball flies out of its socket. Back in the present, Fury is now wearing an eye patch and he's like "and that's why Xavier and I have been sober for 25 years, and why we decided to dedicate our lives to fighting crime or something. I just wish we could go back and save that kid somehow... We never even found out what happened to him..." "Oh, I know what happened to him..." says Tony Stark, mysteriously...

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Tony Stark is riding his bike through the city. The bike is made if iron, this is some clever foreshadowing of Tony's destiny. He receives a phone call from his dad, Howard Stark, on his giant 1985 cell phone. Howard is like "Hello son, meet me at the Iron Factory. I have something important to tell you..." Teenage Tony is all "Okay, dad!" but the second he hangs up the phone, he is run over by the infamous Fury & Xavier in their Delorean. Back in the present, Tony tells everyone, "Because of that accident I never found out what my dad, Howard Stark, was going to tell me. He died under mysterious circumstances later that night. I had to grow a goatee to cover up my facial scars. And worst of all, while recovering in the hospital, I became addicted to morphine. This is all your fault, you old fucks!" Tony raises his iron fists of fury to destroy Fury & Xavier, but his loyal assistant Pepper Potts stops him. She's like "It's not all their fault Tony. There's something else you should know about the events of 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Pepper Potts is carrying a huge vat of oil across the street to her dad's garage. Her dad, Howard "Potsie" Potts, yells out to her, "Hey Pepper, be careful with that oil!" But then she trips and spills the oil all over the road. Potsie is like "You better clean that up, I have to meet Howard Stark at the Iron Factory, he has something important to tell me..." Pepper is all "Okay, dad!" but when she goes to get a mop, Xavier & Fury's Delorean drives over the oil slick and hits Teenage Tony on his bike. Xavier crashes through the windshield, and Fury gets out yelling "Where's my mothafuckin' eye?!?" but his eye is stuck in the oil on the road so he can't pick it up. Teenage Tony looks up from the ground at Teenage Pepper, and he's all "Help me... please..." Back in the present, Pepper finishes telling her story, "So that's why I became your assistant, Tony... To try and make up for what I did in 1985." Tony says nothing, so Pepper is like "Dammit, Tony, say something!" and she slaps him in his iron face of fury. Tony (who is still in the Iron Man suit) just falls over. Professor X uses his mind powers and deduces that Tony has suffered a stroke and fallen into a coma. The Iron Man suit is now the only thing that is keeping him alive.

Suddenly, Samuel L. Fury receives a phone call. The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. is coming over for a surprise inspection, and he demands to speak with Tony Stark! How is the gang gonna get outta this one?! Don Cheadle, who hasn't said anything until now, has an idea: "Hey Pepper, you went to Ventriloquist College, right?" "Well, yes," replies Pepper, curiously, "but what does that have to do with anything?" Cheadle explains, "All we have to do is sit Iron Man down in a chair and have you do his voice. You know Tony better than anyone, you must have perfected your Tony Stark impression by now. Go on, give it a shot!" So Pepper uses her powers of ventriloquism to make it seem like Tony is talking: "Hey everybody, my name is Tony and I'm a smug douche with a gay beard! Durrrrr!" Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony just had stroke and he's in a coma and can't hear them making fun of him.

Ten minutes later, the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives at the mansion and rings the doorbell. The gang has just finished setting everything up - Tony is in the Iron Man suit, sitting at the dinner table, Pepper is sitting next to him ready to do his voice, and Professor Xavier is up in the ceiling with a string tied to Tony's arm so he can make it look like his arm is moving. Pepper is about to let the President inside, but before she does, Fury warns her: "The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. wears a mask to conceal his identity. Whatever you do, do not ask him to reveal his secret identity..." After this bizarre warning, she lets the President inside and introduces him to Tony. Everything appears to be going according to plan... At one point the President is like, "Hey Mr. Stark, why don't you remove that iron mask and show me your pretty face" but Pepper-as-Tony just responds with "Hey, why don't you remove your mask!" And the President is like "Hah, I like this kid's moxy!" Pepper gives the thumbs up and winks at Fury because this ruse is going so well, but he only has one eye so he interprets the wink as some kind of weird insult.

The plan went off without a hitch, and now the President is leaving. He thanks Tony for his hospitality, and starts walking towards the door, but Pepper can't help herself. She has to ask him why we wears that stupid mask. Fury furiously shakes his fist of fury and says "Dammit, Potts, I told you not to mention that!" But the President is like, "It's okay, I suppose I can reveal my true identity to you, Pepper. I am, after all... your long-lost father." He takes off the mask to reveal that he is indeed Potsie Potts, whom Pepper hasn't seen since the events of 1985. Flashback to 1985: Potsie Potts arrives at Howard Stark's Iron Factory, to hear what Howard has to tell him that is apparently so important. Howard is like "I thought your daughter, Pepper, was coming" but Potsie explains that she had to clean up an oil slick. Tony also hasn't shown up, since (unbeknownst to Potsie & Howie) he was hit by a car, so Howard decides to tell him about his shocking discovery...

Howard shows Potsie some DNA tests which reveal that Tony is actually Potsie's son, and Pepper's half-brother. Potsie is shocked - "How is this possible???" "It's elementary, my dear Potsie," explains Howard, "because you fucked my wife." "Oh yeah," says Potsie. "Sorry about that broseph." Howard is okay with it, "Don't worry, buddy, I fucked your wife too." "You WHAT?" Potsie picks up a candlestick and beats Howard to death with it. Back in the present, Howard finishes explaining his half-true story. "So then Howard had a heart attack and died, it was pretty crazy you guys. And it was then that I decided to dedicate my life to becoming the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. It was the only way I could protect my two kids, who I love more than anything in the world." Pepper is disgusted, "Dad, you could've had told me about this 25 years ago... I've fucked my brother like a hundred times since then." "Yeah," says Potsie, lighting up a fat joint, "I sure am a sick fuck." Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony Stark had another stroke while all this was going on and now he's dead.