Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Phone Booth II: Call WEIGHTing

Colin Farrell is riding to his house on a motor scooter, carrying several boxes of jelly donuts. He has gotten really fat since the events of Phone Booth I, and now he only leaves the house to get food. He drives past an alley and hears a woman screaming for help. Hesitantly, Colin stops his scooter and peeks around the corner, and witnesses a gang member about to rape the woman. Colin throws a donut at the rapist and then Rapey gets scared and runs away. But he's already stabbed the woman in the arm so she needs medical assistance. Colin takes out his mobile phone to call 911, but he can't get a signal in that area. But there is a phone booth right next to the alley. Colin could either use that phone booth, or let the innocent woman die. Colin starts crying, "Sorry, lady, I can't do it" and speeds away. Cut to later, Colin is sitting on his bed naked, eating donut after donut, and watching the news. That woman in the alley died, and now police are on the lookout for a fat donut-eating fuck on a scooter, who was witnessed crying and eating donuts at the scene.

Fat Colin Farrell rides his scooter down the police station to turn himself in, and he is arrested and sent to prison. The prison guard is like "Okay, tubby, here's your cellmate... this guy's a real sick fuck, just like you." and the cellmate turns around to reveal that he is Kiefer Sutherland, the infamous Phone Booth Killer. Kiefer's like "I call top bunk" and Colin starts screaming. Kiefer calms him down, explaining that his Phone Booth Killing days are over, and that he confessed his crimes so that he could turn over a new leaf. Then he gives Colin a donut. Later that night, Colin wakes up and sees Kiefer digging a hole in the wall with a spoon. During the day, the hole is covered by a poster of Zac Efron. Colin's like "What the fuck are you doing, Keefs" and Kiefer quickly puts his hand over Colin's mouth and holds the spoon to his throat. "I'm escaping, lardo. I've been planning this for months, and you're the final part of the plan..." Colin doesn't understand, and Kiefer's like "Remember that donut you ate earlier?" We see a flashback to when he gave him the donut, and a close-up reveals that it's not really a donut at all, it's a piece of the prison cell wall, covered in sprinkles. Kiefer is going to escape by digging away the wall and feeding the pieces to Colin Farrel so the guards won't suspect a thing.

The next day in the lunch line, some guy tries to shiv Colin Farrell because his morbid obesity offends him. But Kiefer defends Colin by blocking the dude's shiv with a lunch tray and then decapitating him. Then he takes that dude's lunch and gives it to Colin, so now Colin has two lunches. Colin is like "Thanks, man." "No problem, pal," says Kiefer, "Just make sure you save room for that cement wall I'm digging out later tonight." The Prison Snitch overhears this, and runs to tell the Warden. The Warden is like "That's fucking stupid" and puts the snitch in The Hole for lying. Later that night, Kiefer Sutherland is romantically feeding Colin Farrell pieces of the cell wall. Then they hear a guard coming, so Kiefer's like "Quick, pretend we're making out" so they start making out and the guard sees them and is like "Yep, nothing suspicious going on here." After the guard leaves, Kiefer's like "Your breath tastes like cement, you disgusting fat piece of shit."

The following morning, Kiefer and Colin wake up after a night of hot, steamy lovemaking. Colin is lying on top of Kiefer and he's like "I see now why they call you the Phone Booth Killer. And by 'Phone' I mean 'Fat' and by 'Booth' I mean 'Cock' and by 'Killer' I mean 'Sucker'." Kiefer doesn't respond. Colin continues talking, "Anyways, I'm almost done eating that wall, so tonight we escape, buddy." Kiefer still says nothing, and that's when Colin realizes that he tragically crushed him to death under his fat, cement-filled body. Colin's like "Noooooooooo" and crawls into the hole in the wall and eats the rest of the way out. He then waddles his way to the prison fence and starts climbing it. But the fence is electrified, and it fries the shit out of Colin, causing him to explode. Pieces of blubber and cement rain down all over the prison, killing dozens of innocent prisoners. Later, a doctor is doing an autopsy of Kiefer Sutherand. His finishes up his report, "If only the fat guy didn't eat all that cement, these two homos could've fucked all night long and lived happily ever after."

Friday, August 7, 2009

Ferris Bueller's Night Off

Ferris Bueller is now a security guard, working the night shift at a history museum. One night, his boss calls him and he's like "Bueller, I need you to work one hour longer tonight. And make sure nobody steals the Diamond of Hope, because the Vice President of Egypt is coming in tomorrow to check it out." One hour longer? You think Ferris Bueller is going to stand for that? Hell no, he's taking the night off. Ferris sets up a tape recorder and a mannequin in a security guard outfit at the front desk, then gets ready to hit the town. On the way out, he calls his buddy Cameron. Ferris is like "Hey man, we need to borrow your dad's car again." Cameron's like "Ferris, it's 1:30 AM, what the fuck? We're 45 years old. We have our own cars." Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so tight, that if you stuck the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the Vice President of Egypt would be happy because it'd just make the Diamond more valuable." Cameron's like "What? That doesn't even make sense. Now stop calling me, I have to take my daughter to ballet practice in the morning." Ferris is like "See you in 10 minutes", and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, Ed Rooney has been watching all this from the bushes and taking notes. He doesn't have any reason to be following Ferris, he's just a crazy old lunatic.

Cameron is getting dressed to go out with Ferris. Mrs. Cameron isn't too happy about this, because she thinks Ferris is a bad influence on him, but Cameron promises he'll only be gone for like half an hour. Boy, is he wrong. Dead wrong. Cameron goes outside, and Ferris is already in his car. He's like "Hey man, I just hot-wired your dad's Ferrari!" Cameron's like "That's my Ferrari! I saved my money for 20 years to buy it!" Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so fucking tight, that if he ate the Diamond of Hope, he'd shit out 25 mini-Diamonds of Hope, and personally save Egypt's economy. The Vice President of Egypt would make him an honorary Egyptian." Cameron's like "I'm not that tight. Who are you even talking to?" Meanwhile, Crazy Ed Rooney is still watching from the bushes. He makes a phone call to Ferris's Sister and tells her that her brother isn't really sick at all, he's just skipping work. She threatens to call the police if he ever calls her again, and hangs up on him. Rooney cries.

Ferris and Cameron are driving to the city in Cameron's Ferrari. That "BOMP BOMP chick-chicka" song is playing. Ferris is like, "Here's the plan, we're gonna call my girlfriend, Sloane Peterson, and you're gonna pretend to be her dad so we can get her out of work." Cameron gets all serious and he's like, "Dude... Sloane died of a drug overdose 12 years ago." Ferris looks at the camera and says, "Cameron is so motherfucking tight, that if the Vice President of Egypt stuck his hand up his ass to search for the Diamond of Hope, his Egyptian hand would get stuck in there and they'd have to amputate it. Then the Vice President of Egypt would only have one hand." Cameron is speechless. Ferris stops the car outside a strip club, and gives Cameron his phone. "This is where she works. Now call her up and pretend to be George Peterson." Also, Ed Rooney has strapped himself to the bottom of the car like in Cape Fear or whatever. But the car went ever a speed bump on the way to the strip club and knocked Rooney unconscious. He might have brain damage.

Meanwhile, back at the museum, a pair of masked diamond thieves are about to break in by cutting a hole in the glass. But when they try to cut into it with their special laser, it sets off Ferris's tape recorder/mannequin contraption, and the mannequin points a flashlight at the thieves and says "Who goes there?" Then the tape rewinds itself because that's the only phrase Ferris recorded. The thieves are like "Holy shit, the Vice President of Egypt can keep his stupid diamond! Let's get outta here!" and they run away.

Cameron calls the strip club and tells the manager that he wants to speak to his daughter, Sloane. The manager's like "Okay, she gets off stage in 5 minutes." 5 minutes later, Sloane picks up the phone, all "Daddy, is it really you?" It isn't the real Sloane, it's a stripper who happens to be named Sloane. Her father abandoned her when she was 8 years old, and she's been waiting for this phone call ever since. But Cameron isn't really her father, and when she comes outside and sees Ferris sitting there, she's like "You again? I told you to leave me the fuck alone!" A bouncer comes out of the club and he's like "Is there a problem here?" and Sloane tells him that these two cocksuckers are harassing her, so the bouncer grabs Cameron and punches him several times in the face. He then kicks Ferris in the chest, breaking two of his ribs, and makes him bite the curb. Just then, Ed Rooney jumps out of the shadows and points a gun at the bouncer. He's like "Let him go, motherfucker. This one's mine..."

Later, Ferris and Cameron are being driven home by Rooney in the Ferrari. Ferris is like "Thanks for your help back there, Mr. Rooney. You saved both our asses." Rooney's like "Speaking of asses, Cameron is so tight, that if we were in the Bizarro Universe and you shoved the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the diamond would turn into coal, because we're in the Bizarro Universe and things are backwards." Ferris smiles, "Yeah, I said the same thing earlier! You're alright, Rooney. You're alright." Ferris and Rooney both laugh, while Cameron cries in the back seat. After Ferris & Rooney drop Cameron off at home, Cameron packs up all of his family's shit so they can movie far away from this town. Ferris & Rooney steal Cameron's Ferrari, but Cameron doesn't say anything, he just wants to get rid of them. Ferris gets back to the museum just before the Vice President of Egypt shows up to view the Diamond of Hope. He and Rooney shake hands, then Rooney walks into the bushes and fades away, his work here is done. Ferris puts his security guard uniform back on and sits down at the front desk. He smiles at the camera, then coughs up some blood because he got the shit kicked out him a few hours ago and is still bleeding internally. Chick-chickaaa.

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.