Monday, March 30, 2009

The Ring Three: Ring Kong

On one grave September morn, some guy who works at an IMAX theater plays the Ring Tape on the big screen as a joke (He had it transferred to IMAX film or whatever they use), but it backfires when Dead Bitch crawls out of the screen like always... only because it's a gigantic IMAX screen, now Dead Bitch is a fucking giant. She steps on everyone and runs out into the city to find Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Naomi Watts and her son Naomi Jr. have moved into ANOTHER new house and this time NJ is like "hey maybe we shouldn't have any TVs or VCRs in our house this time", but Naomi's like "Come on, it'll be okay.. that dead chick is gone forever after what happened in The Ring Two, so you don't have to worry" Then she buys a 52 inch plasma TV with a 9.1 surround sound speaker system.

Back in the city, Dead Bitch is rampaging through the streets, flipping over cars and shit. She's like "Where are you Naomi Watts" and some guy from the FBI hears her say that and he's like "I know that name..." Then he calls Naomi Watts on the phone because she's his cousin or something. He's like "The Dead Ring Bitch is destroying the city, and you're the only one who can stop her!" And Naomi says her famous catch phrase, "I'm gettin' to old for this motherfuckin' cocksuckin' bullshit." So then Naomi and NJ travel to the city in the Ringmobile, and when they get there the Giant Dead Bitch grabs Naomi and starts climbing up the Empire State Building. While she's climbing up some fighter jets are shooting at her, but she destroys them with her laser eyes. Naomi's FBI Cousin is on the phone with the President and he's all "Mr. President, we have to use the SECRET WEAPON!" Naomi Junior overhears and asks what the secret weapon is, and FBI Cousin says "The Secret weapon is FUCK YOU" because he doesn't like that kid.

The President gives approval to use the SECRET WEAPON, and the CIA drive up in a van and pull out this giant fucked up gun. FBI Cousin tells them "Make sure you shoot it at Naomi Watts and don't hit Ring Kong" and CIA Guy is like "Did you just say 'Ring Kong'? That's fucking stupid. This is serious, you FBI faggot" then FBI Cousin starts crying and runs away. Naomi Junior is like "ha ha what a pussy". So then the CIA fire the Secret Weapon at Naomi Watts, and suddenly Naomi Watts grows to the same size as Dead Ring Bitch. Because the Secret Weapon is an Enlarging Ray. Anyway now Giant Naomi Watts and Giant Dead Bitch are have a big giant monster fight, destroying buildings and accidentally crushing half of the city's population. Dead Bitch tries to shoot Naomi with her laser eyes, but fortunately the Enlarging Ray also gave her laser eyes, so their laser eyes cancel each other out. Somehow they end up wrestling in a giant mud pit and Dead Bitch tears Naomi's shirt off. This monster battle is being broadcast live on television so millions of people see this offensive display of nudity.

So they keep fighting for another 45 minutes until Naomi eventually pokes one of DB's eyes out with a tree. That's when Naomi notices that DB's eye socket looks like a RING... and by removing her eye, she has freed DB's evil demons or something. So now Dead Former-Bitch is like "Thanks for saving me, Naomi Watts... It was my plan all along." But then a stealth jet swoops down and fires a huge missile right at her face. And by "her" I mean Naomi Watts, because they fired it at her by mistake. So Dead Not-Bitch is like "Nooooooooo" and dives in front of the missile, which blows up her head and double-kills her. Then the stealth jet lands and the pilot is like "Fuck yeah, I got her!" and some random guy walks up and says "It wasn't airplanes... 'twas beauty killed the beast" but then the pilot takes his helmet off and he's ugly as fuck, so the random guy is like "oh never mind".

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Jurassic Park IV: Attack of the SKYnosaurs

Jeff Goldblum is telling his kid about how this one time many years ago he was chased by a T-Rex. The kid's like "Yeah right Dad, you're a fucking liar" so then Jeff Goldblum grounds him and takes away his X-Box 360. Also the kid was playing some video game where you fight dinosaurs, so he's like "Fighting dinosaurs is easy! You're just a pussy, Dad" so he was grounded for saying that too. Then after the kid goes up to his room, Jeff starts playing the video game. He makes it to level 3, where the in-game character finds a huge pile of dinosaur shit and says "That is one big pile of shit." Jeff's like "Hmm, that sounds familiar" and he keeps playing. On level 5, he's in a jeep being chased by a T-Rex and the in-game character is like "We must go faster"... then later in the game there's a bonus stage where you control the two kids in the kitchen who are hiding from Velociraptors. But you need two players for that part, so that's when he stops playing. He finally looks at the video game case and sees that it's called "Purassic Jark"...

Jeff Goldberg walks over to his neighbor Dr. John Hammond's house and rudely enters without knocking. Because he's like Hammond's wacky neighbor so he does that all the time. Hammond is like "what the fuck" and quickly hides something under a sheet. We don't see what it was though, it's a mystery. Jeff's all "Hey Doc, have you seen this game?" and Hammond's like "I gots better things to do than play video games. I'm 90 years old." So Jeff wheels John in his wheelchair over to his house and shows him the Purassic Jark game. And the sequel, where a T-Rex runs through the city and Velociraptors do gymnastics or something. John doesn't see Jeff's point, but then Jeff's like "Try putting on your glasses you old fuck" and John Hammond says his catchphrase "I'm too old for this shit." Eventually they look at the game manual and see that the video game company is called Hammond Games. And Hammond's like "Oh yeah, my niece created a video game company." He forgot because he's senile and shit. His niece was into computers or something in Jurassic Park so now she makes video games. About dinosaurs. But she crossed the line when she made a game about the tragic events of Jurassic Park...

Jeff Goldstein goes to Hammond Games to see John's niece. I think her name was Alex. Or maybe Alexis. John couldn't remember because he's too old. Alex is like "What's the big deal? I was running out of Dinosaur Game ideas, so I decided to base this one on a true story." Oh, what's the big deal? Well here's the big fuckin' deal: The ghost of Dennis Nedry (Newman from Seinfeld) died at the Jurassic Park island, and now his ghost is haunting some copies of the game. Just kidding. Actually Jeff is just offended that Alexis didn't ask him to do his own voice in the game. She got Mike Myers to do it, so now Jeff Goldblum's game character sounds like Shrek. And Jeff hates that movie. So Alex says "Follow me to the recording studio, and we'll re-do the lines with your voice" and Jeff follows her, but as soon as he's not looking, she hits him in the head with a hammer! When Jeff wakes up, he's duct-taped to a chair. Dr. Grant and Dr. Satler from Jurassic Park are in there too, also taped to chairs. Jeff's like "what are you two doing here" and Alexis walks in and says "The same thing as you, Jeff Goldblum..."

Jeff Goldenface then is forced to listen to Alexis explain her plan. "I was selling Purassic Jark video games so I could get the money to build a Dinosaur Blimp. It would be like a dinosaur petting zoo except on a blimp. If any of the dinosaurs escaped we could just open a hatch in the blimp and flush them out so they'd fall to their deaths. All the humans in the blimp would have parachutes so they'd be okay. It's just like Jurassic Park, only instead of an island it's a blimp, so nothing could go wrong!" That's her explanation. Jeff is like "...seriously?" and Alex says, "I couldn't have done it without a little help from my favorite uncle, Dr. John Hammond." And then John walks out, and Jeff is shocked because he didn't need a wheelchair at all! Then we flash back to earlier when he was hiding something under a sheet, and he was actually hiding a model of the Dino Blimp. He was also jerking off onto the sheet. "You'll never get away with this, John!" yells Jeff. "Those dinosaurs aren't going to stay locked up in that blimp, because life finds a way, or something" So then John and Alexis open up the dinosaur blimp and it actually does work out okay, for a few months at least. Then someone claims that she was raped by a Velociraptor, and they have to close the blimp down for a while. But it turns out she just made it up so she could make a "Velocirapist" joke. So the DinoBlimp was a good idea. None of the dinosaurs escaped and/or killed anybody. Jeff Goldblum can go fuck himself.

Monday, March 23, 2009

She's the Man 2: She's the Manager

It's been five years since Amanda Bynes pretended to be her twin brother so she could play soccer. Now she's retired from her soccer career because she injured her knee during a game and had to have her leg amputated. So now she wears a prosthetic leg. Her friends call her Pro-Leg. After she retired, her soccer coach got her a job at his brother-in-law's hardware store. The Manager of the store is always like "Well if it isn't the big-shot soccer star" and is always looking for some reason to fire her. He's like "You may have been the only girl out on that soccer field, but there's like 7 girls working here, and you're not even the hottest. You're like the third-hottest." Then he starts limping away, because he has a leg injury too. Pro-Leg is like, "Whatever, you fuckin' gimp" and the Manger's like "WHAAAT?" but Pro-Leg quickly covers, "I said 'my boyfriend's dick is limp'" and the Manager's like "Oh okay". Also it wouldn't really make sense for her to call him a gimp since she's even more of a gimp than he is. Then another hardware store worker named Billy-Bob comes up to her and says "Hey I heard you called the Manager a gimp! That's awesome! Way to stand up to the man(ager)!" and he's not being sarcastic, even if it sounds that way. By the way he's limping around too, so there's yet another cripple working at the hardware store. Pro-Leg looks around and finally realizes that EVERYONE in the store is crippled, and she's like "What is this, some kinda Gimptown?" and Billy-Bob explains that the hardware store used to be called "Gimptown" but they had to change the name because it was offensive to gimps.

Later that night, Pro-Leg wakes up at the hardware store and realizes that she must have fallen asleep while stocking the paint shelves, because she accidentally left all of the paint cans open and breathed in all the fumes. Or maybe she was just tired. So she thinks she's the only one in the store, and starts walking towards the exit, but then she realizes the manager is here too, in his office, so she has to try and sneak out without him seeing her. Then she sees something SO SHOCKING SERIOUSLY... the manager takes his wig off and removes his shirt, and that's when Pro-Leg discovers that the manger is actually a womanager! She's like "Hey, you stole my idea!" and the manager's like "WHAAAT?" and Pro-Leg covers, "I said 'my boyfriend shops at Ikea'" and the manager's like "Oh, okay. Hey wait, who the hell's out there?" So then Pro-Leg runs away. Only she can't run very fast because of her fake leg. But it's okay because the manager can't run fast either due to her fucked up leg. When Pro-Leg gets home she vows to get revenge on the lying manager, the best way she knows how... She goes over to Billy-Bob's house and convinces him to disguise himself as a girl named "Billie-Barb" so he can seduce the hardware store manager.

The next day, Pro-Leg introduces Billie-Barb to the manger (Who, coincidentally, is named "Schmanager". So maybe that's why she wanted to be a manager). The two fall instantly in love, but because Schmanager is actually a girl she's like "Hey does this mean I'm gay?" and because Billie-Barb is actually a guy he's like "Hey does this mean I'M gay?" But they don't care, they just start having sex in the manager's office. But remember, Schmanager is a girl pretending to be a guy, and Billie-Barb is a guy pretending to be a girl, and neither one knows the other's true gender, so Schmanager is really just putting her fake penis in Billie-Barb's fake vagina. It's complicated. Suddenly, the owner of the hardware store, Roger Gimpton (David Cross) shows up, and he's like "Where's the manager?" So Pro-Leg tells him that he's in his office. Gimpton opens the office door, only to find Billie-Barb sucking Schmanager's fake dick. Pro-Leg tells Billie-Barb (through the secret audio device hidden his his fake left tit) to go through with the last part of the operation, "Now, BB! Tell Gimpton that the manager forced you to blow him!" But BB can't do it. Because he's in love. Then Schmanager's like "I forced him to do it!" Because she's also in love, and it trying to cover for BB. Then they run away together and get married, but they never reveal their true genders to each other. Billy-Bob even pretends to be pregnant a few months later, but they don't think they're ready to raise a child, so he has to pretend to have an abortion.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Speed III: This Time It's Purse-onal!

Someone puts a bomb in Sandra Bullock's purse and tells her that if she doesn't keep spending money, the purse will explode. So she spends hundreds of thousands of millions of hundred of dollars, until her boyfriend Keanu Reeves is like "Yo, what's up with all the spending? Women be shoppin'!" Bullock tells him about the purse-bomb, and Reeves is like "That makes no sense. How would your money-spending prevent a bomb from exploding?" So then they look in the purse, and there isn't a bomb. Whoever called her made it up. You're probably thinking, "You'd have to be pretty fucking dumb to fall for that, and Sandra Bullock's character was a genius." Well, in a flashback it is revealed that when the boat exploded in Speed II: Cruise Control a small piece of metal pierced her skull and damaged her brain. And ever since then she has been losing one I.Q. point per day. Bullock and Reeves didn't find this out until just now, when Bullock is getting a Brain X-Ray. The X-Ray Doctor is like "You're down to 17 I.Q. points, Sandra Bullock. That means you've only got 17 days to live. If you were smarter you could've done that math yourself." The Doctor explains that the only way to cure Bullock is for her to get a brain transplant. And the only brain-match is Dennis Hopper, the bad guy from Speed, who has been in a coma since the end of that movie. So now it's a race against the clock to get Sandra Bullock a new brain! She's only got 17 days to get Dennis Hopper's brain! They better SPEED this shit up!!

Keanu Reeves and Retarded Sandra Bullock travel through the Himalayas, in search of Comatose Dennis Hopper. They meet an old wise man with a long white beard who tells them he knows Hopper's location. The wise man gives them a map, but Sandra is too dumb to read it, and Keanu is too stubborn to ask for directions, am i right ladies??? Also the wise man cuts off some of his beard and tapes it to Sandra Bullock's back. For no reason. He's just a weirdo. Anyway, eventually they make it to the Coma Facility. Bullock is on her last I.Q. point. So our two heroes find Dennis Hopper's room, but he's no longer in a coma. He just woke up a few minutes ago. His daughter, Denise Hopper, is there with him and she's really happy that he's awake. Keanu Reeves is like "I need your fuckin' brain, Dennis. And if you're not gonna give it to me, I'm gonna have to take it from you." and he holds up a spoon. Then he winks at the camera, because the spoon is a reference to The Matrix or something.

Denise yells at Bullock & Reeves to get out of her dad's room. She doesn't know about his history of blowing up buses and shit. So Keanu's like "Pop quiz, hotshot! How about I tell your daughter about what a crazy terrorist cocksucker you are?" And Dennis Hopper starts crying like a little bitch. He regrets everything he's done. He just wants to retire from the bus-exploding business and get to know his long-lost daughter, Denise. So he's like "If you promise not to tell my daughter, Sandra Bullock can have my brain." They make the deal, and the brain surgery goes off without a hitch. In fact, Sandra Bullock is even smarter than before. She's like criminal mastermind now. She also gives better blowjobs than ever before. But things didn't work out too well for Dennis Hopper... He's now more braindead than ever. Keanu Reeves sees this, and feels kind of bad about doing this to him, so he smothers him with a pillow. Then he rips the sink out of the bathroom floor and throws it through the window, and runs away. The End.

...Or is it??? In a shocking twist, Denise Hopper enters with the Brain Surgeon, who is like "time to put your new brain in, Mr. Hopper!" So Dennis Hopper didn't even have the new brain yet. See there's many layers of irony because if Keanu wasn't so SPEEDy, then maybe Hopper would have been okay, but Hopper was the one who gave him the need for speed by putting that bomb in the bus back in Speed Part 1. And now Sandra Bullock has his brain. So she's Denise Hopper's new dad. Uh... the end.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Deliverance II: Special Delivery

One year after the events of Deliverance, Jon Voight is chillin' in his crib, smoking a joint, when suddenly he hears the sweet sound of Dueling Banjos. Only it doesn't sound sweet to him, it just reminds him of when his fat friend was raped by hillbillies and how he and Burt Reynolds killed them and buried the evidence. So he's terrified, thinking "Holy shit, those inbred fuckers have tracked me down" But really, it's just his two kids playing banjos. Mrs. Jon Voight is like "I bought the kids a couple of banjos for Christmas! Isn't that great?" because Jon never told her about the Banjo Rape, so she doesn't know that it actually ISN'T great. So Jon is watching his kids banjo-playing, and from his point of view it's like they're morphing into hillbilly rapists or something. He's about to take the banjos away from them so he can burn them (the banjos, not the kids) when there's a knock at the door. Jon Voight LITERALLY shits himself at that moment. Then, after he changes his pants, he opens the door to see Burt Reynolds. It's the first time they've met since all that shit went down last year. Burt is like "What's up buddy, wanna go on a canoeing trip?"

"You're fucking crazy Burt Reynolds," says Jon Voight. "I'm never going near a canoe again, not after last time." Burt's like "Come on, it's been a year. Stop bein' a pussy. What are the odds that the same shit could happen to the same guys twice?" Burt goes on to explain that he's now working as a Special Delivery Man, and he has to deliver a Special Package to the King of Redneck Falls. Jon Voight still doesn't want to go, so Burt explains that now he always wears full body armour while canoeing and also carries several weapons including ninja stars and rocket launcher. So it will be a perfectly safe trip. Jon looks back at his wife and kids... The kids are playing banjos, and then his wife joins in with her own banjo so now there's three fucking banjos. Then Jon Voight decides to go with Burt Reynolds. "But if I hear even one banjo, I'm going to start blindly firing an AK-47 in every direction." So then they leave, and start canoeing their way to Redneck Falls.

So now they're in the canoe, and Burt Reynolds is all "Not far now until we get to Redneck Hills!" and Jon Voight's like "Hey I thought you said it was Redneck FALLS" and Reynolds realizes he fucked up. He's acting pretty weird. Then, a little later, Voight realizes that all of the weapons they brought are made of plastic. "Not ALL of them..." Says Reynolds, and he points a gun at Voight. Voight's like "What the fuck man" and Reynolds says he knows that Jon's been talking to the FBI. "I know you've been trying to set me up; make it look like I raped Bobby and killed all those hillbillies..." Jon swears he'd never do that, but then Burt rips open Jon's shirt and reveals that he's wearing a wire. "I'm sorry, Burt Reynolds, I had to do it to save my wife and kids..." cries Jon Voight. But Burt doesn't give a FUCK. He's had enough of this shit. "I loved you like a brother, Jon Voight, and you betrayed me..." he says. "And now, before I kill you, I'm going to play you a little song on this banjo." But before he can play anything, he's hit in the neck by a tranquilizer dart. Jon Voight looks to see who shot him, and sees a hillbilly with a sniper rifle.

Jon Voight goes over to the Casper the Friendly Hillbilly and thanks him for saving his life. Then Jon realizes that all this time, he's been scared of hillbillies, when actually they were just as scared of him as he was of them, or some shit. Then Casper says, "Now that I've done something for you, you gotta do something for me! Heh heh heh..." Then cut to later, and Jon Voight is painting Casper's fence. "Thanks for painting my fence," says Casper, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass." But he's just kidding. He doesn't really fuck him in the ass. Because while Jon was painting the fence, Casper picked up the unconscious Burt Reynolds and carried him back to his Rape Shack, so he's got all the ass-fucking he needs. Jon Voight returns to his family, and thanks to this important lesson he learned, he's not bothered by the banjos anymore. So he gets his own banjo, and the Voight Family forms an all-banjo band. Meanwhile, Burt Reynolds is still getting fucked in the ass by Hillbilly Casper. Oh well. But The Voight Banjo Band becomes famous and their new album goes double-platinum. Jon dedicates the album to his old friend Burt, but Burt's still getting fucked in the ass so he doesn't even hear the album.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

American Pie VII: The Death and Life of Steve Stifler

Old Man Stifler has a heart attack while in the middle of banging his nurse. He is rushed to the hospital and the doctors are able to revive him, but then another nurse comes to give him a sponge bath and they start bangin', so he has ANOTHER heart attack. Old Man Stifler is 96 years old by the way. So then some of OM Stifler's family shows up at the hospital, including his estranged son, Stephen Smithler. Stephen changed his name because he's a douche. The Stiflers are standing around OM Stifler who's lying in his hospital bed hooked up to a bunch of medical equipment. He whispers, "Steve Junior, come closer..." and Stephen's like "My name's not Steve Junior anymore, I changed it to Stephen!" What a douche that guy is. "Come closer, son... I need to tell you something..." Croaks Old Stifler, clearly on his last breath. So Stephen the Douche leans in douchily, and Stifler whispers something in his ear. We don't hear what he says, but Stephen looks shocked. Then Old Man Stifler dies. But even in death, he still has a boner.

Stephen's wife asks what Stifler said, but Stephen's just like "Who cares, he was a crazy old son of a bitch." But he's obviously crying about it. What a fuckin' douche. Anyway, we see Stifler's Ghost rise from his old body. The ghost isn't old though, it's Classic Stifler, played by Sean William Scott. Because that'd be fucked up if you became a ghost and were still old. Stifler's like "Holy shit, looks like it's time for someone to get 'touched' by an angel" or something. You know how he is. But then he floats up into the sky, and eventually arrives in Heaven. He is personally greeted by Jesus Christ (Eugene Levy) who's like "Welcome to Heaven, Stifler! It's great to finally meet you, you're like my hero" and he hands him a six-pack of beer. "Come on, I want you to meet my son, Jesus Junior." So they go to JC's house, but they enter without knocking and walk in on Jesus Junior fucking a warm apple pie. Also JJ accidentally ejaculates in Stifler's eye, so from now on Stifler wears an eyepatch.

Later, Stifler and JC are chillin' and Stifler's like "I don't get it... Here in Heaven you just have to snap your fingers and pussy literally rains from the sky." Then he snaps his fingers and pussy literally rains from the sky. JC's all "Yeah, I never get tired of that superpower." Stifler continues, "So what kind of a fuckin' loser would you have to be to fuck a pie? No offense, Jesus." JC tells him that's why he's here, he wants Stifler to help his son. "He even wants to change his last name from Christ to Schmyst!" Then Stifler remembers his own son, and how he couldn't stop him from being a douche because he was too busy getting laid. Maybe now is his chance to make amends or some shit. "Sorry, JC, but your son's a douche. I'm gonna go fuck that naked angel over there." Then he flies away, because you can fly in Heaven too. Jesus smiles, "Oh, Steve Stifler... Truly a king among men." Then he gets a call on his iPhone. It's Satan, crank-calling him. But Jesus knows it's Satan, because he's fuckin' Jesus. You can't trick him. So Jesus just hangs up on him, then he's like "Go-go Gadget Copter!" and the top of his head opens up and a propeller comes out. He flies away, leaving a beautiful rainbow trail behind him.

Suddenly, we flash back to Old Man Stifler in his deathbed. It's the same scene as before so I'll just copy-and-paste from the other paragraph. "Come closer, son... I need to tell you something..." Croaks Old Stifler, clearly on his last breath. So Stephen leans in to hear what Stifler has to say. And this time, we hear it too. He whispers, "You're a fucking douche"... Then he dies. Then a few seconds later some doctors come in and zap him with defibrillator pads or whatever the fuck they're called, and Old Man Stifler is alive again. Stephen says "YOU'RE the douche, not me!" And runs out of the room, like a douche. Stifler says "Huh, it was all a dream... Or was it?" Then he snaps his fingers, and through the hospital window we see that pussy is literally raining down from the sky.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Rambo V: The Rambos

At the end of 2008's Rambo, John Rambo was seen walking towards the house of the mysterious "R. Rambo". You probably assumed that R. Rambo was his father or something; well, it is, and Sylvester Stallone plays both roles using state-of-the-art split-screen technology. R. Rambo is like "Hey son, where have you been for the last 50 years?" and Rambo the Younger tells him about his most recent adventure in Burma, where he killed like 400 people and how awesome that was, especially on Blu-Ray Disc. Rambo Dad tells him that's no excuse for not visiting more often, "Your homosexual twin brother Paul Rambo visits me all the time." And just then, Paul Rambo (also played by Stallone) enters and is like "Oh my god, what's up bro" And then John's sister, Mary-Anne Rambo (Stallone again) enters and is like, "Hey everybody, I'd like you to meet my new fiance, Rocky Balboa!" So Rambo and Rocky (also Stallone, of course) meet and shake hands. The handshake might have to be done with CGI or something.

Rocky & The Rambos talk for a while, when suddenly the doorbell rings. The entire Rambo Family is already there, so who could it be?? John Rambo opens the door to find a flaming bag on the doorstep. He stomps on it to put the fire out, and of course gets dog shit all over his boots. Then he has a flashback to Vietnam, where one of the Vietnamese guys did the same thing to a buddy of his. He remembers holding his dying, dogshit-covered buddy in his arms. Then, a couple of teenagers jump out of the bushes and are like "Take that, Rambo!" and they ride away on their bikes. Rambo takes out his machete and gets ready to chase them. The rest of the Rambo Family try to talk him out of it, but John's all "They drew First Blood" and, seeing that there's no stopping John Rambo, Rocky Balboa tells the family he'll go with him to make sure nothing too fucked up happens.

So Rambo & Rocky chase the Rowdy Teenagers through the jungle. At one point the kids throw water balloons at R & R, and they have to take cover behind an old tree. One of the balloons hits Rocky and he's like "Man, I think that balloon had piss in it! Now I got piss on my Boxing Jacket." This causes Rambo to have another Vietnam Flashback. Then they start chasing the kids again until they get to their hideout. R & R are up in a tree, spying on the kids, and they see them walk into a cave. Five minutes later, they exit the cave with fresh bags of dog crap and piss-filled balloons. They jump out of the tree and grab the kids, threatening to beat the shit out of them. The kids cry that they're just following orders, and their leader is in that cave. R & R let the kids go, but as they're walking away one of the kids throws a balloon at Rambo, so Rambo quickly dives out of the way and throws a knife at the kid. The knife hits the balloon in mid-air, causing the balloon to splash all over the kid so now the kid has his own piss on him. Also the knife cuts his head off.

Ramby & Rocko enter the cave. As they're walking in, Rocky's like "Hey, that was pretty fucked how you killed that kid." And Rambo's all "Sometimes in war, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette." I mean he actually says something better than that, but you get the idea. They keep making their way through the cave, when suddenly they're attacked by a group of kids with slingshots. Rocky gets hit in the eye with a rock, and Rambo jokes "I guess that's why they call you Rocky!" which doesn't actually make sense, but Rambo's not a comedian so what the fuck do you want. Since the kids are only slinging small stones and rocks at them, Rambo easily walks around the room and kills them all with his machete. Rocky doesn't want to kill anyone, but some fat kid comes up and starts shooting him with a Super Soaker, and finally Rocky has had enough. He punches his fist right through the fat kid's fat face. Rambo sees this and says "Looks like you just broke a few eggs..." Rocky replies, "Now let's go make a fuckin' omelette!" They each pick up a Super Soaker and bust down the door to the Cave Boss's office.

The Cave Boss is sitting in a big chair with his back to Rocky and Rambo, so you can't see who it is yet. He's like "So, it appears you finally discovered my secret cave, Mr. Rambo." Rambo's like "I had a little help." and Rocky says, "Yeah, I'm here too, ass-fuck" The Cave Boss says "I pity the fool who teams up with John Rambo!" Then Rocky realizes who it is. The CB turns around and we discover that it is Mr. T from Rocky III. But Rambo doesn't even know who he is, because he wasn't in that movie. Mr. T explains, in a 25 minute monologue, that he was the mastermind behind all of the events that transpired in the previous Rocky and Rambo films. We see some clips from First Blood with Mr. T digitally inserted into the background. Anyway, Rocky and Rambo shoot Mr. T with their Super Soakers, and Mr. T's like "Nooooooo" until he's totally Super Soaked. Then Rocky and Rambo both punch Mr. T in the face and the same time so Mr. T's head explodes. Rambo then looks at Rocky and says "Welcome to the family." They high-five and the credits roll over a freeze-frame of them high-fiving.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Home: Alone

This is a "reboot" of the once-classic Home Alone franchise. Kevin (Shia LaBeouf) just moved into his new home in New York with his blind (but sexy) aunt, Aunt Felicia (Jennifer Lopez). Kevin is like, "Well here we are at our new home, Aunt Felicia. We would've gotten here sooner if you didn't keep getting lost in New York" -- This is a reference to the second Home Alone film, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York -- So Aunt Felicia replies, "I can't help getting lost, I'm fuckin' blind!" -- By the way this isn't a family movie like the others, it is a dark psychological romantic thriller -- They both enter the house and Kevin is tired so he goes upstairs to take a nap. A few minutes later, Aunt Felicia is scared because she thinks Kevin has left. She thinks she's Home Alone. She's blind and can't see if anyone's around so it's like a metaphor because she isn't literally Home Alone she's metaphorically Home Alone.

Later, Kevin comes downstairs and Aunt Felicia is listening to the TV. Kevin is like "What are you watching, Aunt Felicia?" Then realizes how insensitive that question was, because she can't watch anything. EVER. Not since the events of last October. "I'm so sorry about the events of last October, Aunt Felicia" says Kevin, and AF grabs his hand and promises him it's okay. "Just describe what's happening in this movie for me." So he starts describing it, but then there's a sex scene in the movie that Kevin & Aunt F are watching & listening, respectively. And the sex scene happens to be between a young man and his older (but sexy) aunt. So he gets a little uncomfortable when he has to describe this very controversial, but also very sexy film to his blind (but sexy) aunt. Soon, Aunt Felicia whispers in Kevin's ear, "Did your parents ever tell you that you're adopted?" and Kevin's like "No, why are you telling me, Aunt Felicia?" And she's like "Because that means we're not related by blood." And then they start fuckin'.

Then, while they're having controversial-but-sexy-but-incestuous sex, two criminals named Harold (John Cho) and Marvin (Kal Penn) are walking past their window, and Marvin's like "Holy shit bro, check this shit out!" and they can see Kevin & Aunt F through the window. Harold says "Yo, while they're gettin' busy, we should rob the shit out of their house. Harold & Marvin Style!" Harold and Marvin are really in Home: Alone to provide some comic relief to this otherwise serious, deep and controversial (but sexy) story. The two dudes sneak into the house and realize that there's pretty much nothing to steal, because Kevin and AF just moved in that day. Marvin's like "Fuck it dude, let's go bowling" but Harold wants to check upstairs first, because there must be SOMETHING to steal. Harold runs up the stairs, but then trips over and falls down the stairs, breaking his neck. Kevin and Aunt F are like "what the fuck" and Kevin runs out to see what's going on.

Marvin is kneeling over his friend's dead body, and he's like "Holy shit, Harold! Have a nice TRIP?" Then he laughs. But then he realizes that Harold is actually dead and he feels a little bad about making that joke. Kevin's all, "What the fuck is going on here?" and Marvin yells "Why are your steps so fuckin' slippery?!" Kevin is confused, and still naked because he was in the middle of aunt-fucking, so Marvin takes this opportunity to grab Dead Harold's gun. He points it at Kevin and is like, "Your home killed my best friend... Now I'M gonna kill YOU. With my GUN." and he pulls the trigger. But the gun isn't loaded! Then Blind Aunt Felicia runs into the room and pleads "Please, don't kill my nephew!" And Marvin's like "He's your fuckin' nephew? But I just saw you two fuckin'! That's fuckin' fucked up, motherfucker!" Kevin is even more confused now, because a few minutes ago she said they weren't really related. In a shocking (but sexy) twist, Aunt F explains how that was a lie, and she just wanted to get revenge for the events of last October. Marvin takes out his phone and is like, "Hold on a second dawgs, I gotta Twitter this shit!"

Panicking, Kevin punches Marvin in the face, and he falls over, dropping his gun. Kevin picks it up and points it at Marvin, who's like "Hey aunt-fucker, that gun ain't even loaded!" So Kevin just starts pistol-whipping the shit out of Marvin until his face has been beaten to a bloody pulp. Blind Aunt Felicia is yelling "What the fuck is going on? Which one of you is getting beaten to death?!" But Kevin doesn't even answer. He just walks into the kitchen, grabs a knife, then comes back and stabs Blood-Related, Blind Aunt Felicia in the chest repeatedly, until she finally dies next to Harold and Marvin. So now Kevin is alone. In his home. Home: Alone.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ocean's Fourteen: Meltdown

Danny Ocean (George Clooney) gets out of prison again and his buddy Brad Pitt asks "So what casino are we gonna rob this time?" But Ocean is like "I already have a quadrillion dollars from all the other casinos... maybe it's time to retire." Brad Pitt gets a serious look on his face and says, "Well then, I guess my work here is done." and he walks into the bushes and fades away. Ocean is like "What the fuck?" Then Matt Damon comes up and asks "Who were you just talking to?" and Ocean tells him he was talking to Brad Pitt, but then Matt Damon looks at Ocean strangely and says, "Brad Who?" And that's when Ocean realizes... Brad Pitt never existed, he was in Ocean's imagination the whole time!

So Ocean tries to play it off like a joke and tells Matt Damon that he's going to retire because he's already a zillionaire. Then Matt Damon gets a serious look on his face and says, "Well then, I guess my work is done here." and he floats up into the sky. And that's when Ocean realizes... Matt Damon never existed, he was in Ocean's imagination the whole time! So Ocean's getting a little freaked out now by all these revelations, and he runs home to his girlfriend Julia Roberts' house. But she's not there! And all her stuff is gone! And that's when Ocean realizes, Julia Roberts never existed, she was in Ocean's imagination the whole time! All those times he thought he was fucking her, he was just jerking off! Holy shit!

He travels to the houses of his other Eleven friends, and none of them existed either! There was no Chinese acrobat, no Cockney safecracker played by Don Cheadle, and there was certainly no Bernie Mac. Even Casey Affleck and his brother James Caan's Son were imaginary! The only one of his crew who is real is Elliot Gould. When Ocean gets to his house, Elliot explains how he used to sit around for hours, watching Ocean play Fourteen different characters. Because it was hilarious. Ocean starts crying, "You're a sick bastard, Elliot Gould." Elliot replies "I sure am, Danny. I sure am. Now do Bernie Mac for me again. I miss that guy."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Face/Off 2: Bigger and Blacker

Omar Banks (Martin Lawrence) is a janitor at the White House, and one day his boss, President Barack Obama is put into a coma by a bumbling assassin. The President's Chief of Staff (Xzibit) doesn't want the public to know about it because of the economic crisis or something. He's like, "What are we going to do... to save America?" And then Omar walks into the room with his mop and sees the unconcious President. He's like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT" and Xzibit gets an idea... They're going to cut his face off.

:::record scratch:::

So now Omar Banks has to pretend to be the President because he's wearing Obama's face. He holds a press conference to assure America that everything is okay, and Xzibit is telling him what to say through his earpiece. But then there's some feedback or something and so Martin Lawrence just has to make shit up! Xzibit is watching him say all this crazy shit and he's getting pretty steamed, but the fake President manages to smooth things over and Xzibit's like "Hmm.. maybe this'll work after all." And then Martin Lawrence says something innapropriate and the audience all gasps, and one old lady faints out of emarrassment. ML is like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT"

:::record scratch:::

Later that day, The First Lady is all turned on because of ML's press conference. The fake President is meeting with a Prime Minister of China or something, and the FL comes up and whispers something in his ear, and ML is like "You're gonna suck my WHAT?" and the Chinese Prime Minister says something in Chinese and the subtitles say "Hit dat shit, nigga!" We cut to a few minutes later, after Martin Lawrence and the First Lady have finished gettin' it on, and ML is like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT"

:::record scratch:::

Just then, the real President wakes up from his coma. He's like "what the fuck is going on" and Xzibit tells him "Well sir, while you were in a coma for the last 12 hours, we removed your face and put it on the White House janitor, so that the public wouldn't panic." Barack is like "This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Bring this Janitor to me!" So they bring him back and they switch their faces so everything is back to normal. But Martin Lawrence learned a lot from this experience... and he is going to run for President in 2012. Cut to 2012, and ML of course loses the election to Obama. Then PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA is like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT" and they both laugh even though it makes no sense.

The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser

Bruce Willis (Bruce Willis) has just realized that he is a ghost. He goes over to Haley Joel Osment's house and is like "Why didn't you tell me I was a ghost you mother fuck" and Haley explains, "Every time someone figures out they're a ghost and that I'm the only one who can see them, they want to use their powers for evil. So fuck you, Bruce Willis." But Bruce doesn't want to use his powers for evil, he wants to use them to fight crime. And there's a bank robbery in progress downtown happening right now!

Bruce and Haley Joel Olmos run to the Downtown Bank and sure enough, some goons with guns are robbing the place. They're forcing the Bank Manager to put all the money in a big bag with a dollar sign on it. The Head Goon is like "Hey, Jimmy-Boy, here's da secret location of where we're gonna stash da goods" and he passes Jimmy-Boy a note. J-B makes sure not let anyone else see it because it's a secret. But Invisible Bruce Willis fucking saw it! So then Bruce Willis tells Haley Joel Oswald who then tells the cops. He tells them over the phone using a voice-changer so they don't know it's him. The Commissioner is like "Who are you?" and HJO says "Just call me... The Senser." The next day all the newspapers are like "WHO IS THE CENSOR?" and HJO is pissed off because they spelled his name wrong.

After several weeks of crime-fighting, Bruce Willis is starting to get jealous that Haley Joel Oldman is taking all the credit as "The Senser". HJO is like "What am I supposed to tell them, 'I couldn't do it without the assistance of my sidekick, Ghost Boy'?" And Bruce says "What do you mean 'Ghost BOY', I'm like 40 years older than you" But The Senser's has had enough of this bullshit. He's just hit puberty so he's got better things to do than hang around with a ghost. So he takes out his Necronomicon and uses a Satanic spell to trap the ghost of Bruce Willis inside his pet hamster's body. He then hangs up his Senser mask for good and goes on living like a normal 13 year old kid (who sees dead people). But the Immortal Hamster Bruce Willis is always watching from inside his hamster cage... waiting for the right time to strike.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Panic Room 2: Still Panicking

Jodie Foster and her kid have moved into a new house, and this time she makes sure it has TWO panic rooms in it. Jodie actually sleeps in a panic room. Her kid is like "Mom, don't panic so much. Forrest Whittaker is in prison, it's not like he's going to break into our house again." Well Jodie isn't worried about Forrest Whittaker because they've been emailing eachother ever since the events of Panic Room 1 so he's cool. Anyway, that night a pizza guy shows up and he's like "Who ordered the pepperoni with extra cheese?" But Jodie Foster DIDN'T ORDER ANY PIZZA. So she runs up to her panic room and locks herself inside. Jodie's Kid pays for the pizza because she's the one who ordered it, but Jodie doesn't believe her. She thinks HER OWN DAUGHTER is the mastermind behind this whole operation. She is panicking! So then JK eats the whole pizza herself. She's gotten pretty fat since the first movie. Soon, the Pizza Guy returns. He's like "I forgot to give you your extra pepperoni, baby..." Then Jodie says over the intercom "Look out, he's the infamous Pizza Rapist" but he actually does have extra pepperoni so he gives it to JK. But at this point Jodie Foster is panicking so much that she thinks the Pizza Guy just raped her daughter and ate her. She curls up in the fetal position and lies there until she dies. She has the greatest panic room in the world, so nobody is able to break in until 12 years later when scientists have invented a special kind of laser that cuts through panic rooms. The panic room has preserved Jodie Foster's mummified corpse, and in her hand they find... a stick of pepperoni! THE END.

The Truman Show II: Tru Lies

Truman (Jim Carrey) has escaped to the real world, and discovers that Earth's yellow sun gives him super human strength and laser vision. This is the tru(e) reason why the Director (Ed Harris) kept him in that giant multi-trillion dollar snowglobe since birth. One of Truman's fans runs up to him and is like "Hey man I love your show" and Truman accidentally shoots him with his laser eyes and kills him. Then he becomes a fugitive, or should I say... a TRUgitive. Truman flies to the top of the Truman World dome and finds the director and starts crying. "What.. am I?" he cries. Jim Carrey gives an amazing performance in this scene. The Director promises him that everything will be okay, and tries to inject him with something that will help him control his powers. But Truman uses his x-ray vision or something and sees that he's actually trying to inject him with Super AIDS, so he punches him in the face and then flies away. The FBI and the CIA can't do shit because Truman is so powerful. BUT THEN, it starts raining and it turns out his one weakness is Earth Rain. He's still flying but the Earth Rain melts his eyeballs and he crashes into the Hollywood sign. His dying words are "Well, I guess that's Hollywood for you!" Meanwhile, the Director (Ed Harris) is watching this in his Dome Headquarters, and upon seeing Truman's death, he sheds a single tear. The camera zooms in on the tear until it is revealed that there is another Truman Show inside his tear. I don't really know what this ending means, but it makes an important statement about the media and our society.

The Horse Yeller

Set 10 years after the events of The Horse Whispererer, HW is starting to lose his superhuman Horse Whispering ability. The horses can't hear him anymore so he has to keep talking louder and louder until eventually he's just yelling in their ears. But he's yelling so loud that it scares the shit out of the horses and they keep running away from him. Then, one tragic September morn, he yells "RUN REALLY FAST" in Billy the Horse's ear so loud that Billy kicks him in the fucking spine, paralizing him from the spine down. So now he has to chain the horses to the floor of a soundproof booth while he yells at them, otherwise they won't do what he commands. One day while sitting in his wheelchair naked in a soundproof booth yelling his lungs out at a chained-down horse, he's like "what have I become?" then he shoots himself in the head. But nobody hears the gunshot because he's still in the soundproof booth! By the time someone finds him, the horse has eaten most of his body. The End.

...or is it? After the credits, the horse that ate the Horse Yeller looks at the camera and its eyes glow red. The End????