Monday, July 27, 2009

The Thing 2: The Last Thing of Scotland

The Thing in The Thing killed everyone except Kurt Russell (and another guy but I don't know his name). A few days later a rescue team shows up and finds Kurt alive, because he survived by eating the Other Guy. But Kurt doesn't tell them that he became a cannibal. He tells them about The Thing, and how it killed everyone. The rescue team just thinks he's crazy, and he gets sent to an asylum for the criminally insane. Over the next few months, Kurt is put through electro-shock therapy and eventually forced to believe that the events of the The Thing all happened in his mind and there's no such thing as Things. He breaks down and starts crying in the middle of a group therapy session and all the other crazy people group hug him. Then the camera pans up, and up, and fucking UP into space for ten minutes until it stops at a distant alien planet. This is Planet Thing, home of The Things. And right in the middle of the planet is a giant statue of Kurt Russell.

One year later, back on Earth, Kurt Russell is released from the Crazy House. Some kid rides past him on a tricycle, then stops for a second and yells "Hey, fuck you, Krazy Kurt!" then rides away. Kurt yells "No, fuck YOU", but he waited too long before saying it so the kid was too far away to hear him. Also he says it right when a gang of teenage street-punks are walking past, so they thing (I mean think) Kurt was talking to them. The Punk Leader is like "What'd you just say, old man?" and he pulls out a switchblade. Kurt's like "No, I wasn't talking to you" but these rapscallions don't believe him. They start pushing him around, and Kurt's like "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" but they keep pushing him, which makes him angry. So Kurt is forced to kick all their asses. Then he steals a skateboard that one of them was carrying and skates away.

Now there's a montage of Kurt Russell building something. We can't tell what he's building yet, but whatever it is, it's big. The street punks show up and they're like "Hey old man!" and Kurt turns around, thinking they're back for round two, because it looks like Punk #1 is reaching for his switchblade again. But they're just like "Looks like you could use some help" and Punk#1 pulls out a hammer instead of a switchblade. They help him build, because now they respect him. One week later, they've finished building and one punk is like "So what is this, old man?" And we finally see that they have built a space ship. It looks exactly like the one from The Thing, because Kurt was just putting on an act the whole time he was in the asylum. He was just waiting to get out so he could travel to Planet Thing and get revenge on the Things that killed his buddies. He gets into the ship and flies away.

One light year later, the USS Krazy Kurt makes a crash landing. Kurt steps out and says "Finally, here I am on Planet Thing." But we saw Planet Thing earlier so we know he isn't really there. There's a sign right next to him that says "Welcome to Loch Ness", Kurt reads it and is like "What a strange language these aliens have." Then he starts killing everyone he sees, because he thinks that they're Things. In what is later known as the Kurt Russell Massacre, he brutally murders over 300 people before a police sniper takes him down with a bullet to the chest. Kurt is almost dead, but he is still able to crawl back into his space ship and start the self-destruct sequence. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey that he had been saving for this special occasion, and looks at a photo of him and his friends who were killed by The Thing in The Thing. "I did it..." he says, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I saved the world."

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Usual Suspects Part II: The Hunt for Keyser Soze

The Detective has just realized that (spoiler alert for US1) Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Soze, and he's totally pissed that Spacey Punk'd him this whole time. He runs out of the Police Headquarters to see Soze and his wife, Mrs. Soze, driving away. It's too late for him to do anything. Or is it? Detective Johnson punches some guy off his motorcycle, then jumps on it and starts chasing after the Sozes. He drives up next to the Sozemobile and yells "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Spacey... or should I say, Mr. Sozey?" and Keyser's like "what i can't hear you" because they're still driving. The Detective holds up his badge and demands that Mrs. Soze pull over the car immediately. Mr. Soze is like "What's the big idea, copper? I'm not Keyser Soze, I'm just that crippled guy. Gee Whiz, mister!" But his wife knows that the jig is up, so she swerves the car into Detective Johnson and tips over his motorcycle, causing him to skid off the road and into a cafe, killing many innocent bystanders. As the Sozes continue to speed away from Detective J, Keyser's like "Jeepers, babycakes, what'd you do that for? I had that cop wrapped around my little fake-crippled finger, I did!" She just punches him the face and tells him to shut up. Then she pulls of her wig to reveal her true identity, and says "I don't need Detective Johnson discovering my true identity..." Keyser Soze is shocked, but we don't see her face yet so we don't know her true identity.

Meanwhile, back at the cafe where Detective J crashed his bike and killed 7 people who were just minding their own business and drinking some coffee, the good detective climbs up out of the pile of corpses that cushioned his impact and saved his life. He looks down the road and can just make out the Sozemobile in the distance as they drive over the horizon. Then he pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and looks at it. It is tracking the Sozemobile. We quickly see a slow-motion flashback of Detective J placing a tracking device onto the car when he was driving next to it earlier. Detective J is like "I'm gonna get you, Keyser Soze... I'm gonna hunt you down like the dog that you are. Because I hunt dogs. I swear on my partner's grave that you will pay..." Because his partner was one of the people who died in that cafe a minute ago. Then a motorcycle cop drives up and is like "Holy shit balls, Detective Johnson! This looks like one goddamn fucking hell of a cunt-fucking clusterfuck! I better call this into the station!" But when he picks up the radio to call it in, Detective Johnson hits him with a Karate chop to the throat, rendering him unconscious. Then he steals his bike and drives away while AC/DC's "Back In Black" starts to play.

Cut to the Soze Safe House, where Keyser is changing out of his fake-cripple clothes that he wore while he was in disguise as Kevin Spacey. So now he's wearing all black, and he's like "It feels so good to be back in black." The song is still playing when he says that. Then suddenly there's a record scratch and the song stops. Mrs. Soze (who is wearing a wig again so we still don't know her True Identity) comes out of the other room and shoves him to the floor. He's like "what the fuck is your problem", then all of a fucking sudden someone starts firing guns into the room. It's Detective Johnson, who is standing outside with a Tommy Gun in each hand and smoking a cigar. Keyser Soze yells "I thought this was supposed to be a safe house, but it's more like an UN-safe house, am i right!?" and his wife says "what i can't hear you" - this is a callback to earlier when they were driving. Keyser is relieved that she didn't hear him because it was a pretty lame joke that he regretted as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Outside, Detective Johnson has finally run out of ammo. He yells out "Hey Soze, I know you're in there! Come out and face me like the dog you are!" Soze yells back "You're the fucking dog, why don't you suck my dick!" And Johnson replies "You'd like that wouldn't you, Gay-zer Soze!" Then he waits for Keyser to yell something back, and when he doesn't the detective yells "What's the matter, Mr. Soze? Cat got your tongue?" But really the Sozes just escaped out the back door of the safe house and are running away through the desert. It takes Johnson like five minutes to realize this, then he gets back on his motorcycle to chase after them, but it won't start. While Johnson was busy shooting into the safe house, someone poured sugar in the gas tank. "Damn you, Keyser Soze!!!" he yells, but then he notices a trail of sugar leading from his bike into the bushes. He throws a grenade into the bushes, thinking he'll kill Keyser Fucking Soze. But Keyser isn't there, it's just some random fat kid. Johnson is shocked that he just murdered an innocent fat kid, and he's like "Why did you do it, fat kid? Why did you make me kill you?" The fat kid says "Because... Keyser Soze is my father..." then he dies. Also the fat kid has a cheeseburger in one hand that he was eating before he died. Johnson steals the tasty burger and takes a bite, then he says, "Tastes like vengeance." The fat kid's like "That's my burger you fat fuck", then he REALLY dies.

AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" starts playing. We see the Sozes driving on a highway. Keyser says "Man, it feels like we're on a highway to Hell." The song continues as we see a montage of Detective Johnson pursuing the Sozes, and every time they think they're safe, Johnson is one step behind them, eating a cheeseburger. The song fades out as the Sozes pull into a gas station. Keyser's like "I haven't seen that detective in hours, I just gotta buy a hotdog then we'll get back on the road." Mrs. Soze says "Okay but hurry up, I don't want anyone to discover my True Identity." Keyser enters the gas station and picks up a hotdog. Then he realizes that he left his wallet back at the safe house, and figures that he's already a mastermind criminal so he may as well add "hotdog theft" to his list of crimes. But then as he's leaving the clerk is like "Hey buddy, is that a hotdog in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" They both laugh at this hilarious joke, then the clerk says "Seriously though, you better pay for that." There is an awkward silence for 30 seconds as Keyser thinks about his next move, being the calculated genius that he is. Then he pulls the hotdog out of his pocket and eats it. "Pay for what?" He says, then starts walking out of the place with a stupid fucking smirk on his face.

The clerk has tears in his eyes. He can't believe what just happened. He flashes back to 5 years ago, when a criminal stole a hotdog and used it to beat his wife to death. Then he's like "No, not again" and he jumps over the counter and runs at Keyser Soze. At that very moment, Detective Johnson crashes through the widow and also runs at Keyser Soze. Keyzer jumps into the air at just the right time, so the clerk and the detective run into each other. As they're both lying unconscious on the floor, Keyser realizes this is his big chance. He steals all the hotdogs in the place and runs back to the car. He jumps in and tells Mrs. Soze to cheese it, because the guy who's been chasing them for the last 2 weeks is inside the goddamn gas station. She tries to drive away, but the car won't start. Then they look out the window and notice that someone has poured sugar in the gas tank. Keyser dips a hotdog in the sugar and then eats some of it. Then Detective Johnson shoots him in the hand and makes him drop the rest of the sugar-gas-hotdog.

Keyser Soze is screaming because he just got his hand blown off. He yells out to Mrs. Soze to help him, but she panics and is like "No! He can't know my True Identity!" and she just speeds away in the Sozemobile, leaving Keyser to bleed all over the place with his hotdogs. Detective Johnson walks over and shoots off his other hand. "Let's see you eat hotdogs now, like the hot dog that you are." But Keyser isn't really hungry anymore. He's all "How did you do it, Detective? How did you defeat me?" Detective Johnson replies, "Let's just say... I had a little help from a fat friend." The fat kid from earlier looks out from behind the bushes, holding a bag of sugar, and he and Johnson wink at each other. I guess he didn't die after all. Johnson picks up a hotdog and throws it to Fatty. "Here, Fat Kid," he says, "Go have yourself a snack. You don't wanna see what I'm about to do." "Okay, mister. I love you." Says Fat Kid, and he walks away into the sunset, chewing on his Hotdog of Love.