Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Valkyrie II: Tears of a Führer

After Tom Cruise's plan failed (spoiler alert), ol' one-eye-one-hand himself was executed for committing treason. Two Nazis named Bill & Ted are carrying the recently shot Tom Cruise away to throw him in a mass grave. But before they throw him in, Bill is like "I'm gonna steal this guy's eye patch as a souvenir. Plus I think I'd look cool with an eye patch." Ted's like "Whatever dude, just hurry up, we're gonna be late for the Pizza Party" and he skips away. Bill takes off Tom's eye patch and is surprised to find a note in Tom's eye-hole. He takes it out and unfolds it... it says "If you are reading this, it means I am dead and you stole my eye patch. Check inside my butt for further instructions LOL" After making sure that nobody can see him, Bill checks inside Tom Cruise's anus and finds an audio tape. He wipes it off with his Nazi Cloth and then puts the tape in his Walkman and starts listening.

"Oh, hello! Didn't see you come in. My name is Colonel Thomas Von Cruisenburg, and what you're listening to right now is my Secret Butthole Tape. You're probably thinking I really fucked things up by getting executed, but trust me, it's all going according to plan. And if you want to save Hitler, you're going to have to do exactly as I say... further instructions can be found in my dick-hole." Bill starts looking in TC's dick-hole, and a few seconds later the tape continues: "Ha ha, there's nothing in my dick-hole. April Fools! Anyway, whoever you are, I need you to go to 123 Berlin Street. If you don't get there in 10 minutes, your beloved Adolf Hitler will die!" Bill is like, "Nein! Mein Liebshen!" and runs off to Berlin St. Then Ted finally comes back to see what's taking so long, and sees Tom Cruise lying on the ground with his pants off, and he's like "what the fuck"

Bill gets to the warehouse on Berlin St. just in the nick of time, and finds Hitler strapped to a table, with a giant axe hanging from the ceiling above him, swinging back-and-forth. Hitler also has a bunch of tubes attached to him that are hooked up to a giant vat of delicious barbeque sauce. Bill plays the tape again (he paused it after the previous instruction) to find out what he's supposed to do: "Well, I guess you made it to the warehouse. Well done, you're better than I expected. Now, if you want to free Adolf, you just need to find the key. And that key can be found... inside Hitler's dick-hole." Bill quickly unzips Hitler's pants to start looking, and the tape continues: "Ha ha, I can't believe you fell for that again! I guess you just love dick-holes or something." Bill looks at Hitler and says "I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I do not love dick-holes."

The Butthole Tape continues: "Okay homo, here's what you really have to do: Inside that giant vat of barbeque sauce, there's an unconscious guy with an oxygen tank (so he can breathe in there) who has the key to Hitler's chains. But you have to KILL HIM to get the key. Alternatively, you can save the unconscious guy, but if you do that then Hitler's veins will be filled with the delicious barbeque sauce and then he'll be cut in half by the giant axe and his blood will be mixed with the barbeque sauce. So WHICH ONE WILL YOU SAVE?" Bill is like "Duh, I'm gonna kill the guy in the sauce so I can save Hitler. Why would I give a fuck about the other guy?" so that's what he does. After he's free, Hitler is like "Thank you for saving me. If there's anything I can do to repay you..." and Bill says "It was an honor, my Nazi Friend. Just getting to shake your hand is all the repayment I need." So he shakes Hitler's hand, but shockingly, Hitler's hand comes off! It was a prosthetic hand! Then he takes off his mustache and wig, and it's not even Hitler! It's Tom Fucking Cruise!

Suddenly, we flash back to earlier, when Bill's Nazi Friend Ted is going to inspect Tom Cruise's half-naked corpse. But when he goes to inspect the corpse, Tom Cruise suddenly grabs him with his three-fingered hand and snaps his neck! Because he was wearing a bullet-proof vest the whole time, he was never dead! Then he puts on a fake mustache and hand, and takes a shortcut to the Berlin St. warehouse. It turns out that the guy in the BBQ sauce tank, who Bill killed, was the REAL Hitler. Bill is like "Neeeeeein!!" and Tom Cruise just smiles and pours some delicious barbeque sauce into a glass and drinks it. It tastes more delicious than ever, thanks to the secret ingredient: Hitler's tears.

2 comments:

  1. This is the greatest thing to ever happen to English Literature.

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  2. That's fucking brilliant. You are a legend!

    ReplyDelete