Friday, March 20, 2009

Speed III: This Time It's Purse-onal!

Someone puts a bomb in Sandra Bullock's purse and tells her that if she doesn't keep spending money, the purse will explode. So she spends hundreds of thousands of millions of hundred of dollars, until her boyfriend Keanu Reeves is like "Yo, what's up with all the spending? Women be shoppin'!" Bullock tells him about the purse-bomb, and Reeves is like "That makes no sense. How would your money-spending prevent a bomb from exploding?" So then they look in the purse, and there isn't a bomb. Whoever called her made it up. You're probably thinking, "You'd have to be pretty fucking dumb to fall for that, and Sandra Bullock's character was a genius." Well, in a flashback it is revealed that when the boat exploded in Speed II: Cruise Control a small piece of metal pierced her skull and damaged her brain. And ever since then she has been losing one I.Q. point per day. Bullock and Reeves didn't find this out until just now, when Bullock is getting a Brain X-Ray. The X-Ray Doctor is like "You're down to 17 I.Q. points, Sandra Bullock. That means you've only got 17 days to live. If you were smarter you could've done that math yourself." The Doctor explains that the only way to cure Bullock is for her to get a brain transplant. And the only brain-match is Dennis Hopper, the bad guy from Speed, who has been in a coma since the end of that movie. So now it's a race against the clock to get Sandra Bullock a new brain! She's only got 17 days to get Dennis Hopper's brain! They better SPEED this shit up!!

Keanu Reeves and Retarded Sandra Bullock travel through the Himalayas, in search of Comatose Dennis Hopper. They meet an old wise man with a long white beard who tells them he knows Hopper's location. The wise man gives them a map, but Sandra is too dumb to read it, and Keanu is too stubborn to ask for directions, am i right ladies??? Also the wise man cuts off some of his beard and tapes it to Sandra Bullock's back. For no reason. He's just a weirdo. Anyway, eventually they make it to the Coma Facility. Bullock is on her last I.Q. point. So our two heroes find Dennis Hopper's room, but he's no longer in a coma. He just woke up a few minutes ago. His daughter, Denise Hopper, is there with him and she's really happy that he's awake. Keanu Reeves is like "I need your fuckin' brain, Dennis. And if you're not gonna give it to me, I'm gonna have to take it from you." and he holds up a spoon. Then he winks at the camera, because the spoon is a reference to The Matrix or something.

Denise yells at Bullock & Reeves to get out of her dad's room. She doesn't know about his history of blowing up buses and shit. So Keanu's like "Pop quiz, hotshot! How about I tell your daughter about what a crazy terrorist cocksucker you are?" And Dennis Hopper starts crying like a little bitch. He regrets everything he's done. He just wants to retire from the bus-exploding business and get to know his long-lost daughter, Denise. So he's like "If you promise not to tell my daughter, Sandra Bullock can have my brain." They make the deal, and the brain surgery goes off without a hitch. In fact, Sandra Bullock is even smarter than before. She's like criminal mastermind now. She also gives better blowjobs than ever before. But things didn't work out too well for Dennis Hopper... He's now more braindead than ever. Keanu Reeves sees this, and feels kind of bad about doing this to him, so he smothers him with a pillow. Then he rips the sink out of the bathroom floor and throws it through the window, and runs away. The End.

...Or is it??? In a shocking twist, Denise Hopper enters with the Brain Surgeon, who is like "time to put your new brain in, Mr. Hopper!" So Dennis Hopper didn't even have the new brain yet. See there's many layers of irony because if Keanu wasn't so SPEEDy, then maybe Hopper would have been okay, but Hopper was the one who gave him the need for speed by putting that bomb in the bus back in Speed Part 1. And now Sandra Bullock has his brain. So she's Denise Hopper's new dad. Uh... the end.


  1. My name is Jan de Bont I directed Speeds one and two (i also directed twister but that was like a really bad script or something so don't worry about that)

    i want to option 'Speed III this time it's purse-onal'

    i've only got about 100 dollars though, can i owe you?

  2. wait, perhaps a 100 dollars is enough?

  3. I love to have different kind of puse specially for combine it with my clothes. I think every desing is identified with the personality of each woman. I prefer a comfortable and big purses because i usually carry many things even like when i buy viagra for my boyfriend.

  4. When i got my house by costa rica homes for sale i took all my document in my purse. Thanks God my purse was very big I had no problem. That´s why i prefer to use big bag every time. I really love it, because they are very comfortable.