Monday, May 18, 2009

Elephant Man II: The Curse of the Elephant Man

It has been one year since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. It's also Halloween. Because he died on Halloween. Some kids are trick-or-treating, and one of them is dressed as an elephant. But it's hard to tell what he's supposed to be because it's a poorly-made costume, so when his friends first see him they're like "what are you supposed to be" and says "I'm an elephant, man." Then a mysterious voice from the bushes says "Somebody say mah name?" and a guy with a bag over his head jumps out of the bushes and kills the elephant costume kid with his signature weapon: an ivory elephant tusk. The other kids are like "Holy cunt-balls" and they run away. But they don't make it very far, because the mysterious hooded figure throws several elephant tusk stars at them and takes two of them down. Then there's only one kid left. It's a girl named Ellie. Ellie Phant. She climbs up a tree and hides there, because she figures that this guy is the Elephant Man and elephants can't climb trees. But her name is Ellie Phant and she just climbed it so it's ironic or something. The killer stands right under the tree, but he doesn't know Ellie is up there. He yells out "I know you can hear me, kid. And I'm gonna find you. Even if I have to wait a year, you will meet your maker at the hands of the Elephant Man! Because that's who I am!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been two years since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. And it's been one year since an evil supervillan claiming to be The Elephant Man killed several innocent children on Halloween. But it's not Halloween yet, it's Halloween Eve, and Ellie Phant is scared that the Elephant Man is going to come back to kill her, the only survivor of The Elephant Man Massacre. Her boyfriend is like "Don't worry, baby, I can protect you." Then they start making out, and as the clock ticks over to 12:01am the camera pans across to the window and we see the guy with a bag over his head looking creepily through the window. Ellie sees him and starts screaming but when Boyfriend looks over he's gone and he thinks she just imagined it. He walks over and opens the window and he's like "See, there's no Elephant Man here. Except for the elephant... in my heart." Suddenly, a giant elephant tusk impales him through the chest and kills him. The killer pulls the tusk out and looks at Ellie through Boyfriend's gaping chest wound. He's like "I told you what I'd do, Ellie, and an elephant never forgets!" Ellie screams and quickly runs to her parents' bedroom, but her parents are already dead. She grabs her dad's gun starts firing it at the killer, but he deflects the bullets with his giant elephant tusk. One of the bullets ricochets into Ellie's eye, and that's how she got the nickname "One-Eyed Ellie". So now the "Elephant Man" is standing over ol' One-Eyed Ellie about to decapitate her with his elephant tusk machete. When all of a sudden, a mouse runs across the floor. The Elephant Man is like "Eek!!" And runs away. Because elephants are afraid of mice. Looks like Ellie has found her secret weapon. While the killer is standing on a chair Ellie jumps out the window and runs away, while he yells "You haven't heard the last me, One-Eyed Ellie! Even if it takes another year, you will be murdered by me, The Elephant Man!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been three years since John Merrick died, two since those kids were killed, and one since the Elephant Man killer returned and killed more people. This time Ellie is ready for him. She's been working out, now she's like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. And it's Judgement Day, alright. Prepare to be judged. It's 12:01, Halloween, and she goes out and stands on her front lawn. She's like "Come and get me, sucka" and she's smoking a cigar. Also she's wearing an eye patch. But the Elephant Man doesn't show up for some reason.

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been four years since John Merrick died, three since the Elephant Man killed some kids, two since he came back to finish off the last survivor and failed due to his fear of mice, and one since he accidentally went to the wrong house so Ellie Phant got that year off. Ellie is married now, and since the evil Elephant Man didn't show up last year, she think that whole ordeal is over and done with. But BOY OH BOY OH FUCKING BOY-O BOY is she wrong. Dead wrong. She's having dinner with her husband, when there's a knock at the door. Things get really tense and scary as Ellie goes to open the door. But it's not the killer, it's just the Chief of Police. He's like "Are you sure you don't want any protection this year? Just because the Elephant Man took last year off doesn't mean he won't come back to kill you. After all, you are his worst enemy. And if I were him, which I'm not, I would want to murder the fucking shit out of you and rape you while forcing your husband to watch." But Ellie's like "Don't worry, Chief, I'll be fine." So the chief leaves. A minute later, there's a knock at the door again, so Ellie opens it all "I saaaaaiiiiddd I'll be fine, Chief" But it's actually the Elephant Man this time, and he's like "Who you callin' CHIEF, sucka"

The evil Elephant Man swings his elephant tusk sword at Ellie, but she leans back, Matrix-style, and dodges the attack. Then she does a back flip and kicks the killer in the face. Ellie and Elephant Man have a big Kung-Fu fight for 10 minutes while Ellie's husband just sits there and watches this amazing showdown. Eventually it looks like Elephant Mas has the upper hand - he has Ellie in a Kung-Fu Grip and she can't move. He's about to break her arms, but she is able to jump into the air while he's holding on to her so they crash through the ceiling and land on the roof of the house. Her husband's like "Damn, now I can't see the fight." So now they're on the roof, and they're fighting with elephant tusk swords. Ellie manages to force Elephant Man over to the edge of the house, and Elephant Man is afraid of heights, so this gives Ellie the upper hand, and she cuts both of his legs off. He then falls off the roof, but it's only a one-story house so he lands comfortably on the grass. He tries crawling away, but Ellie jumps down and cuts both of his arms off. Then she's like "Now let's find out how you really are!" And she pulls his mask off to reveal that he was Anthony Hopkins all along. But she doesn't even know who that is.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Part II: Logan's Run

Wolverine is in a bar in Japan, in the 1980s, and the bartender's asks "Are you drinking to forget?" and he replies "No, I'm drinkin' to remember." Then Sabretooth enters and he's like, "Remember me... brother?" But Wolverine doesn't remember. "How could you forget... your brother... brother?" says Sabretooth. Wolverine is like "Are you my brother or something?" then we cut to a flashback of Wolvie & Sabie as kids. It's like 1886 and they've just run away from home. Sabie is like "Come on, bro! We're gonna be best friends forever! Nothing can tear us apart, ever!" and Wolvie (or as he was known back then, "Logan") agrees that they will always fight side-by-side, even if they live for more than a hundred years and even if he gets an Adamantium skeleton. But because he's just a kid, he mispronounces it as "Aluminum" because kids say the darnedest things.

Anyway, before they leave their home town, Logan wants to say goodbye to his girlfriend, Norma-Jean. He goes to see her and she's all "I already know what you're going to say, Logie" and Logie's confused, because how could she know?? It's not like she can read his mind. She tells him to just leave, and that she never wants to see him again, and she never will, ever. Then after Logan walks away, Norma-Jean's brother comes up to her and he's like "hey I just figured out how to make people travel a hundred years into the future" so he zaps Norma-Jean and she teleports to the future and changes her name to Jean Grey. The Origin of Jean Grey has been revealed.

Logan meets up with his brother Sabie again, and Sabie's like "I'm glad she's gone, bro. We'll never see her again! You'll especially never see her again." and Logan says he already forgot her name. Then they start walking out of town and Logan accidentally steps on a toad. He's like "Goddamn I hate toads." Then he kicks it away. The toad watches them leave, and then there's a time-lapse or something that shows how the toad mutated over a hundred years until he eventually became the evil mutant known as Toad. The Origin of Toad has been revealed.

A few years later, Wolverine and Sabertooth are fighting Nazis in Germany. They see some Nazis carrying a kid to a Death Camp, and Wolvie is like "Yo we should help him" and Sabie just says "Fuck that little fuck, he can suck my fucking dick, faggot" So Wolvie goes to rescue the kid by himself. He slices up the Nazis with his claws, and then picks up a Nazi Grenade and throws it at a Nazi Tank. Then he carries the kid to safety in slow-motion while the tank explodes in the background. The kid wakes up and he's like "We have to save the other jews" and Wolvie's like "Okay bub, but this could be dangerous. You're gonna have to wear a helmet." And he picks up a helmet off the ground and puts it on the kid's head. But the helmet is way too big for him and it covers his whole head so he looks like Magneto. Because he is Magneto. Also the kid picks up a tank with his mind and throws it at Hitler. The Origin of Magneto has been revealed.

Wolverine and Lil' Magneto save the Jews and one of them has blue hair. A Nazi comes out of nowhere and tries to shoot the blue-haired kid but Bluey does some gymnastic shit and swings around and kicks the Nazi's head off. Wolverine is like "Damn, kid, that was a pretty beastly move." Then the kid says "Hey don't call me a Beast." The Origin of Beast has been revealed.

Later that night, Wolverine sees some guy crawling on the ground. He's crawling at night. The Origin of Nightcrawler has been revealed.

Wolverine meets back up with Sabretooth and tells him about all the crazy characters he met while fighting Nazis today. Sabie tells Wolvie about all the crazy characters he raped today. Wolvie's like "You so crazy, bub" Then we cut back to the 1980s, in the Japanese Saloon. Sabretooth asks, "Now do you remember, brother?" And Wolverine is like "No." The End. Then, after the credits, Sabretooth morphs into a naked blue chick. Some guy sees her and he's like "Who are you?" And she says "My name is Teek. Miss Teek." The Origin of Mystique has been revealed.