Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: The Fast and the Curious

Beginning shortly after the end of the first movie in the Benjamin Button franchise, Cate Blanchett has recently died and now her daughter, Buttongirl, is preparing for the funeral. She's filling out the funeral application forms in her house, when there's a knock at the door. It's a girl scout, selling cookies to raise money for a girl scout camping trip or something. Buttongirl buys 10 boxes, in honor of her mother who loved girl scout cookies. Later, she's eating her third box of cookies, and suddenly chips her tooth on one of them. Then, upon closer inspection of the tooth-chipping cookie, she discovers that it's not a cookie at all, it's a fucking button. "What the fuck?" she says to her cat. Her cat is like "meow" but it doesn't really say anything. Buttongirl analyzes the button underneath a microscope and finds a hidden message: Meet me at the docks tonite if you want to know the truth about your father, Benjamin B. Button, Esquire. Come alone. You can bring your cat, I guess, because that doesn't count. Not that I have anything against cats, I'm just saying, by "alone" I mean "without any other human beings". I think you know what I mean. See you soon, I hope! They fit all that on one button somehow.

That night, Buttongirl and her cat, Mittenballs, travel to The Docks. She has mace and a switchblade with her in case anyone tries to start some shit. After waiting around for a few minutes, she's like "where the fuck is this guy" and her cat just says "meow-meow". So then some gang members start walking towards her. Guy #1 is all "Well, well, looky what we got here" and Buttongirl quickly pulls out her mace and sprays it all over the guy's face. Then her cat jumps on him and scratches the shit out him, but that just gets mace all over the cat so now the cat is rolling around on the ground in pain too. The second gang member is like "You is gonna pay for that, bee-yotch" and is about to attack her, but she pulls out her switchblade and throws it at him, hitting him in the eye. Now he's on the ground next to the first guy and the cat, and they're all crying and shit. So Buttongirl picks up Mittenballs and runs away.

The next day, Buttongirl is eating some Cereal-O's and chips another tooth. Because there was a button in her cereal. This button also has a secret message for her: Dear Buttongirl, where were you last night? I got there at 10pm and waited like 2o minutes for you. I'll be there again tonite, so please show up. Your pal, Anonymous. Buttongirl just throws the button away and her cat eats it. A few hours later, she's meeting with a funeral director about her mother's funeral, and she can't concentrate on what he's saying because there's something weird about the top button of his shirt. She rips the button off him and examines is closely, finding another message: Why did you feed the last button to your cat? Buttongirl's like "How am I supposed to respond to these button messages?" And the funeral director just thinks she's crazy but he still agrees to organize the funeral because she has a lot of money.

Two days later, at the funeral, Buttongirl gets hit in the face by something. It's another button. She doesn't read it, but she looks around and sees some guy hiding behind a tree. She's like "Hey asshole" and he runs away. She chases him all through the cemetery but isn't able to catch him. When she finally stops running, she realizes that she is at the grave of Benjamin Button. But the grave is fucking empty! Someone dug up Benjamin's baby-corpse. There is one final button sitting on the gravestone with a secret message that explains everything: I dug up Benjamin Button's corpse so I could harvest his unique DNA in order to create the perfect killing machine. Soon I will control the world, and it's all thanks to you, Buttongirl! To be concluded...

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