Monday, April 6, 2009

Children of Men II: Look Who's Talking

Clive Owen and The World's Youngest Woman have been raising the world's only baby for six months now. They take the baby to a doctor for a checkup and the doc tells them that the baby's hearing is fucked up, and they're like "how could this be??" and then the baby says "Probably because on the day I was born, I had a million guns and explosions going off right next to my tiny ears! Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" only the baby doesn't really say it, we just hear Bruce Willis's voice-over (even though the baby is a girl). So the doctor is like "it's okay, we just need to give her an Ear Transplant" and it turns out the only person in the world whose blood cells are compatible with the baby's is Clive Owen. The next day, they perform the Ear Transplant, so now the baby has one adult-sized ear and Clive Owen has one baby-sized ear. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Great, now I look like a freak" and Clive's like "what the fuck" because now he can hear the baby's Bruce Willis Thoughts.

Clive Owen is like "Holy shit you guys, I can hear Cliveena's thoughts!" (The baby was named after Clive Owen) but nobody believes him. The Doc is like "Please, Clive Owen, I am a scientist and what you're saying is impossible" and then the Bruce Willis VO says "This doctor is a real cocksucker, right Clive?" and Clive's like "haha good one, Cliveena" so now the Doc and WYW just think he's crazy. Later, Clive Owen is buying a sandwich and some guy comes up and says "Well if it isn't Crazy Baby Ear, hear any babies lately?" and Clive Owen punches him in the fucking face because he's a badass. Then he's about to eat the sandwich, but he notices there's a note inside. It says "Meet me behind the sandwich store". So he goes behind the sandwich store and finds Cliveena, who crawled there somehow. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Thanks for meeting me here, Clive" and Clive's like "Dude, you're the only baby in the world, you can't be crawling around behind sandwich stores. It's too dangerous. Just a minute ago I had to punch someone in the fucking face." Then the police show up and they of course think that Clive Owen kidnapped the baby, so they arrest him. The last thing he hears as he's being taken away is the Bruce Willis VO saying "Don't worry, Clive Owen, I'll bust you outta the joint!"

So now Clive Owen is in prison, but Cliveena manages to break in through the air ducts. While she's crawling through the ducts she's holding a lighter in one hand like in Die Hard. Meanwhile, WYW realizes her baby is gone, so she goes to Clive Owen and asks what he did with her. He's like "I've been in prison the whole time, I didn't do shit." Then the baby kicks open the air duct grating in Clive's cell and Bruce Willis VO is like "Come with me if you want to live" but WYW can't hear that so she's like "Holy shit you hid my baby in the air ducts? You really are crazy!" So then the police transfer Clive Owen to the psychiatric ward of the prison. Now he's sharing a cell with the famous supervillian, "Scarf-Face". He's a guy with a scarf wrapped around his face. Clive is like "Hello, Scarface" and Scarf-Face is like "I'm not Scarface, I'm Scarf-Face!!" and this comedic routine goes on for several minutes.

Eventually Clive Owen explains to Scarf-Face what happened. He's like "I know it sounds crazy, but I could really hear that baby's thoughts. And she sounded just like Bruce Willis, star of such films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser." Scarf-Face is like "It doesn't sound crazy to me..." And he removes the scarf from his face to reveal that he too has a baby-ear. He explains "That is the origin of how I became Scarf-Face. To block out the sound of Bruce Willis's voice-over. And now, Clive Owen, I pass the torch to you. You are the new Scarf-Face." He hands the face-scarf to Clive, but he's like "Dude I'm not wearing this until after I wash it." So he washes it in the prison laundry room and then puts it on. The former Scarf-Face, now face-scarfless, is like "Finally, I can now die a peaceful death..." But it's not like he's sick or anything, so he doesn't actually die. He just stands there awkwardly until Clive Owen's like "are you going to die or what", and Scarfless-Face just silently backs out of the room. Clive Owen never sees him again. Later, the World's Youngest Woman brings Cliveena to see Clive in prison. WYW asks "Why are you wearing a scarf on your face?" and he tells her, "I am Scarf-Face!" Cliveena's Bruce Willis VO is like "I just wanted someone to talk to. Why won't you talk to me, Clive Owen?" But Clive can't hear her... Not anymore. Because he is Scarf-Face.


  1. that story inspired me to write a sequel to scarface:

    Scabface – Scarface II ‘The Tony Paradox’

    it's a post memento cinematic landscape set around dislocated, time shifting narratives - yeah, he goes back in time - let me know via a comment if you'd like to read it