Monday, August 3, 2009

The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.

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