Monday, February 8, 2010

Avatar 2: Jake and the Giant Shark

Jake Sully and Neteryi are swimming in a river of Unobtanium. Jake is like "It's pretty cool how we preserved this river and brought peace to the planet of Pandora exactly one year ago, am I right?" Suddenly, Natyri gets shot in the neck with a poison dart, and Jake can't see where it came from so he grabs her and swims underwater where he attaches his hair tentacles to a fish so it helps him and Neteri swim away and they hide in a cave. Jake creates an antidote for the poison dart by combining Unobtanium minerals with fish feces, and saves Netyri from the posion. She's like "What the fuck", then she holds up the poison dart and discovers the words "Made in the U.S.A." printed on it. But she can't read English, so she asks Jake what is says and he lies and tells her it says "Made in Pandora". They bring the evidence back to the President of Pandora and deduce that there must be a traitor in their mist. Jake is like "Hey man there ain't no traitor in MY fist" and the President says "I said 'mist', not 'fist', clean the Unobtanium out of your pointy fucking ears" So Jake says "Okay I will" and he goes to the Presidential Bathroom to find some cue-tips or queue-tips or however it's spelled. But when he opens the medicine cabinet, all he discovers is a box of poison darts. Then he flashes back to earlier, and realizes that he saw the president shooting the dart into Netyri's neck.

Jake runs back to the President's office and kicks him out of the window with a spinning roundhouse kick. He falls 20 storey's down and is impaled on the horn of one of those fucked up animals. Jake shows Natiri the evidence that proves the Pandorian President was a traitor. She's like "what the fuck", and looks down at what he thinks are poison darts, but are in fact just a box of those ear-cleaning cotton bud things. That's when they realize that Jake swallowed too much Unobtanium earlier and now he's hallucinating. The Na'vi police come in to arrest him, but he's like "suck my dick" and he dives out the window and lands on that flying dragon thing and they fly away. The Chief of Pandora Police tells Netyri that it's up to her, she's the only one who can catch him now. So she dives out the window and lands on a flying seahorse and starts pursuing Jake through the Pandorian skies.

Eventually Netyri catches up to Jake when he stops for gas. She's like "what the fuck man" but he's still hallucinating like a motherfucker so he throws a boomerang at her and runs away up the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls. Netyri dodges the boomerang in Bullet Time but hesitates before continuing to pursue Jake Sully, because the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls is goddamn forbidden. But then she follows him anyway because what else is she going to do. She sees Jake swimming up a waterfall and lassos him with a tree vine. Jake pulls out his trusty pocket knife and cuts the vine off. But in his drug-addled state, he forgot that all the tree vines in Pandora are alive. The vine that he just sliced in half starts bleeding all over the place and crying for its mommy before it dies in Jake's hands. That tree vine was just one week away from retirement. Jake sees that there's no turning back now, and continues up the mountain. Netyri stops to have a funeral for the tree vine which takes like two hours so by the time she's done, Jake has gotten away.

Later, on the top of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, Jake Sully is trying to start a camp fire. But it's hard because there's so much water on the Mountain of Waterfalls. Also the water is alive and it starts talking to him. The talking waterfall tells Jake that there's a giant shark living up here in the Forbidden Mountain, and by coming up here, he has angered the shark. Now the shark is going to eat all of the Na'vi. So Jake is like "Dear Lord, what have I done?" and he takes a teleportation leaf out of his pocket and uses it to teleport back to Na'vi City. He tells the Mayor that somebody has angered The Giant Shark of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, and now it wants revenge. Everybody suddenly forgets that Jake killed the President earlier, and start panicking about how they're going to catch this shark. Suddenly, somebody scratches his fingernails across a blackboard. It's the evil Colonel who fought Jake a year ago. The Colonel is like "Y'all know me. Y'know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this fish for you, but it ain't gonna be easy." So the Colonel reveals his plan: He has created an Avatar of a shark that Jake Sully can use. Jake will pretend to be a shark, and convince the other shark not to attack the Na'village.

Jake becomes a shark, and just when the Giant Shark of Waterfall Mountain is about to attack the innocent Na'vi people, Jake is like "Hello, sir, my name is Jake. Jake Sharky. Please stop this senseless violence." Giant Shark is like "What do you mean 'sir'? Clearly I'm a beautiful woman." But to Jake the Shark, all sharks look alike. Jake realizes his racism, and apologizes to Giant Shark. Then they have shark sex under the stars, just when Netyri is returning to town. She sees the two sharks fucking and is like "That is some hot shark sex", not realizing that one of the sharks is her husband. After the sharks finish up, Giant Shark returns to her mountain, promising to leave the Na'vi in peace. She just needed to get laid. Jake tells her he'll call her when he gets home, but he doesn't. Nine months later, Giant Shark has a baby. It's half-shark, half-Na'vi, and half-human. She eats it immediately after giving birth.


  1. Perfect. Sublime. I should’ve known Cameron was writing this blog the whole time.

  2. The Circle of Life from Lion King plays during the credits.