Up 2: Up Harder

Old Man is at his weekly Canasta game with some other old people, when an unexpected telegram arrives for him. He never gets any mail except from Fat Kid, and Fat Kid always uses a special envelope so Old Man knows it's not from him. Old Man puts on rubber gloves to open it, and carefully removes the letter from the envelope. Just as he suspected, it is a ransom note from a terrorist. Fat Kid has been Fat Kidnapped. The note says to fly 10,000 rubies to the top of the Eiffel Tower, or else they're going to throw Fat Kid to his death. These terrorists aren't fucking around. Old Man is so shocked by this terrorism that he has a heart attack. One Week Later... Old Man wakes up in the hospital. Some detectives are standing around him. They need to ask him a few questions, because Fat Kid has been missing for a week. Old Man is at the top of their list of suspects. Old Man is like "How could I have done anything, I've been in a coma for a week" and the police are like "Oh yeah. Never mind." And then they leave, embarrassed that they wasted a week waiting for this old guy to wake up.

After the police leave, Old Man remembers the ransom note from earlier. He realizes that there's no time to tell the police - he needs to get the top of the Eiffel Tower as soon as ASAP. He finds a scalpel and starts cutting into his leg. After he cuts it open we see that he has an emergency supply of balloons in there. He blows up all the balloons and ties them to the hospital, which then floats UP into the air and begins traveling to Paris. Hundreds of people die in the hospital but nobody can stop Old Man because he locked the door to his room. Later, in Paris, Old Man makes it to the Eiffel Tower and tries to land the hospital on top of it, but the tower is pointy so it cuts the building in half, killing everyone inside except for Old Man because he jumps out at the last second and lands on a platform at the top of the tower.

Old Man starts running around the tower, searching for Fat Kid and/or the terrorists. A French mime blocks Old Man's path and starts pulling an invisible rope, but Old Man doesn't have time for this bullshit so he beats the mime to death with his cane. But then he realizes that the mime was just trying to warn him, because there is a terrorist holding a rope standing right next to him, and he ties up Old Man and drags him into a trap door and then to a secret room inside the Eiffel Tower. Fat Kid is in there too, he's tied up with a bunch of terrorists standing around. The leader of the terrorists is like, "Thank you for coming, my old friend..." and he pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Doug the dog from the first movie. Old Man is like "Why did you do it, Doug? I thought you were cool." Doug is like "Shut up-a your face", when suddenly Fat Kid manages to eat through the duct tape covering his mouth. Fat Kid's giant tongue reaches out of his mouth, all the way across the room and licks the back of Doug's head. Some sparks fly out of Doug, and he falls to the floor in pain. A small computer chip falls off head, and Old Man realizes that this is what was controlling Doug the whole time. Fat Kid is like, "See, he's still cool. Good thing I short-circuited the chip with my giant tongue."

Later, Old Man and Fat Kid have escaped. They tied some balloons to the dead mime and are riding his corpse back home. Doug decided to stay in Paris, he couldn't face Old Man and Fat Kid after all the evil deeds he was forced to commit. Fat Kid is like "Thanks for saving me, Old Man, it ended up being easier than I expected!" Old Man replies, "Yes... a little TOO easy." Old Man turns up his hearing aid to the highest possible setting, and hears a ticking sound coming from inside Fat Kid's stomach. He then turns his glasses up to the highest X-Ray setting and sees that Fat Kid has a ticking time bomb inside him, and there's only five minutes left until it explodes. Old Man is faced with a difficult choice: Stay with Fat Kid and support him until he explodes, killing them both, or push Fat Kid off the floating mime so that Old Man can live to die another day. Fat Kid is like "Hey Mr. Old Man, I bought you this friendship bracelet while I was in France!" As soon as Fat Kid gives him the bracelet, Old Man pushes him off the floating mime to his death.

As Fat Kid falls through the air, and Old Man floats away on a French performance artist whom he earlier murdered, they each look back on their lives, thinking about any regrets they may have. Old Man flashes back to when he was a young Old Man, in Bomb Squad Academy. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Old Man! If you don't learn to defuse this bomb, then someday somebody you care about is going to explode! Is that what you want?" Meanwhile, Fat Kid flashes back to his time in Fat Camp. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Fat Kid! If you don't stop eating, then someday you're gonna eat something that's going to end your fat life! Something like a French time bomb, for example! Is that what you want? You want to eat a time bomb?" Fat Kid keeps falling, understanding that this is all his fault. Old Man keeps floating away, understanding that this is all Fat Kid's fault. Meanwhile, in Paris, Doug the dog can't live with the guilt of everything he's done. He puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Old Man returns to his retirement home and continues his Canasta game.

Avatar 2: Jake and the Giant Shark

Jake Sully and Neteryi are swimming in a river of Unobtanium. Jake is like "It's pretty cool how we preserved this river and brought peace to the planet of Pandora exactly one year ago, am I right?" Suddenly, Natyri gets shot in the neck with a poison dart, and Jake can't see where it came from so he grabs her and swims underwater where he attaches his hair tentacles to a fish so it helps him and Neteri swim away and they hide in a cave. Jake creates an antidote for the poison dart by combining Unobtanium minerals with fish feces, and saves Netyri from the posion. She's like "What the fuck", then she holds up the poison dart and discovers the words "Made in the U.S.A." printed on it. But she can't read English, so she asks Jake what is says and he lies and tells her it says "Made in Pandora". They bring the evidence back to the President of Pandora and deduce that there must be a traitor in their mist. Jake is like "Hey man there ain't no traitor in MY fist" and the President says "I said 'mist', not 'fist', clean the Unobtanium out of your pointy fucking ears" So Jake says "Okay I will" and he goes to the Presidential Bathroom to find some cue-tips or queue-tips or however it's spelled. But when he opens the medicine cabinet, all he discovers is a box of poison darts. Then he flashes back to earlier, and realizes that he saw the president shooting the dart into Netyri's neck.

Jake runs back to the President's office and kicks him out of the window with a spinning roundhouse kick. He falls 20 storey's down and is impaled on the horn of one of those fucked up animals. Jake shows Natiri the evidence that proves the Pandorian President was a traitor. She's like "what the fuck", and looks down at what he thinks are poison darts, but are in fact just a box of those ear-cleaning cotton bud things. That's when they realize that Jake swallowed too much Unobtanium earlier and now he's hallucinating. The Na'vi police come in to arrest him, but he's like "suck my dick" and he dives out the window and lands on that flying dragon thing and they fly away. The Chief of Pandora Police tells Netyri that it's up to her, she's the only one who can catch him now. So she dives out the window and lands on a flying seahorse and starts pursuing Jake through the Pandorian skies.

Eventually Netyri catches up to Jake when he stops for gas. She's like "what the fuck man" but he's still hallucinating like a motherfucker so he throws a boomerang at her and runs away up the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls. Netyri dodges the boomerang in Bullet Time but hesitates before continuing to pursue Jake Sully, because the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls is goddamn forbidden. But then she follows him anyway because what else is she going to do. She sees Jake swimming up a waterfall and lassos him with a tree vine. Jake pulls out his trusty pocket knife and cuts the vine off. But in his drug-addled state, he forgot that all the tree vines in Pandora are alive. The vine that he just sliced in half starts bleeding all over the place and crying for its mommy before it dies in Jake's hands. That tree vine was just one week away from retirement. Jake sees that there's no turning back now, and continues up the mountain. Netyri stops to have a funeral for the tree vine which takes like two hours so by the time she's done, Jake has gotten away.

Later, on the top of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, Jake Sully is trying to start a camp fire. But it's hard because there's so much water on the Mountain of Waterfalls. Also the water is alive and it starts talking to him. The talking waterfall tells Jake that there's a giant shark living up here in the Forbidden Mountain, and by coming up here, he has angered the shark. Now the shark is going to eat all of the Na'vi. So Jake is like "Dear Lord, what have I done?" and he takes a teleportation leaf out of his pocket and uses it to teleport back to Na'vi City. He tells the Mayor that somebody has angered The Giant Shark of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, and now it wants revenge. Everybody suddenly forgets that Jake killed the President earlier, and start panicking about how they're going to catch this shark. Suddenly, somebody scratches his fingernails across a blackboard. It's the evil Colonel who fought Jake a year ago. The Colonel is like "Y'all know me. Y'know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this fish for you, but it ain't gonna be easy." So the Colonel reveals his plan: He has created an Avatar of a shark that Jake Sully can use. Jake will pretend to be a shark, and convince the other shark not to attack the Na'village.

Jake becomes a shark, and just when the Giant Shark of Waterfall Mountain is about to attack the innocent Na'vi people, Jake is like "Hello, sir, my name is Jake. Jake Sharky. Please stop this senseless violence." Giant Shark is like "What do you mean 'sir'? Clearly I'm a beautiful woman." But to Jake the Shark, all sharks look alike. Jake realizes his racism, and apologizes to Giant Shark. Then they have shark sex under the stars, just when Netyri is returning to town. She sees the two sharks fucking and is like "That is some hot shark sex", not realizing that one of the sharks is her husband. After the sharks finish up, Giant Shark returns to her mountain, promising to leave the Na'vi in peace. She just needed to get laid. Jake tells her he'll call her when he gets home, but he doesn't. Nine months later, Giant Shark has a baby. It's half-shark, half-Na'vi, and half-human. She eats it immediately after giving birth.

Star Trek 2: The Legend of Sulu's Gold

The Enterprise crew is hanging out one night, play poker. Sulu is winning everybody's Space Credits, and they're all getting pissed off because they didn't expect Sulu to be so good at poker. After several hours of losing, Spock is like "This is illogical, Sulu must be cheating. He is a total cheater." The room goes silent, and Sulu immediately flips over the table and pulls out his gun. "Did you just call me... a cheetah?" Spock doesn't get why Sulu is making such a big deal about this until Kirk whispers to him, "Dude, don't you know that Sulu's whole family was killed by cheetahs?" Spock explains that he actually called him a cheater and not a cheetah, because clearly Sulu is human and not feline, but it's too late because Sulu has already run out of the room crying. Everyone is like "Smooth move, Vulcan" and they tell him to go apologize to Sulu. Spock is like "Fine, I'll go apologize right after I finish this delicious Klingon Juice." Uhura whispers to Spock, "You said you were going to stop drinking so much" and Spock totally snaps at her, "You said you were going to shut the fuck up and suck my dick" which makes things pretty awkward for everyone else in the room. Scotty is so uncomfortable that he beams himself out into space and dies.

Later, Spock drunkenly shows up at Sulu's quarters to apologize. Sulu doesn't open the door when he knocks, so Spock tries to kick it open, but since they're on a spaceship with electronic doors that slide open it doesn't work, even when he uses a Flying Vulcan Kick. So then Spock just smashes open the control panel and hacks into the door controls and forces it to open up. He is about to apologize to Sulu, but before he can an animal claw scratches him across his face. And not just any animal claw, the claw of a cheetah. And the cheetah is wearing Sulu's uniform. Spock is like "Oh my god, you ARE a cheetah!" and the cheetah knocks Spock down and runs away. Spock hits his head on Sulu's statue of Buddha and gets knocked out. The next morning, Spock wakes up in the medical bay and he's all "Sulu is literally a cheetah, he attacked me with his claws last night!" Nobody believes him, especially Bones who is like "I refuse to give medical treatment to this lying motherfucker." Sulu comes into the room and shows Spock an X-Ray that proves he isn't a cheetah. Then Kirk is like "See, old friend? That's why Vulcans shouldn't drink. You lightweight pussy douche." And they all laugh except Spock, as the camera slowly zooms in on Kirk's eye to reveal that he has the eye of the cheetah, the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival.

That night, the crew are playing poker again. Someone asks where Uhura is, and Spock explains, "She said she didn't want to be around me when I drink Klingon Juice. Chicks, right?" Meanwhile, Kirk is winning everyone's money tonight, which Spock finds highly suspicious. He logically deduces that the cheetah must have transferred from Sulu's body into Kirk's body. He shares this theory with the others and they're all "Okay, whatever Drunky, go back to Drunktown." Spock says he'll prove that Kirk is really a cheetah, and all of sudden he grabs Kirk and starts making out with him. Everyone in the room is like "what the fuuuuck" and Chekov beams himself into space to escape the awkwardness. He was already wearing a spacesuit, so he survives, unlike Scotty whose frozen corpse floats right past Chekov. Back at the poker table, Spock and Kirk finally stop making out and Spock yells, "See? That proves he's a goddamn cheetah! Look at him!" But Kirk just looks normal, and he throws his cards down on the table. He wins again, this time with two pairs, and Bones is like "Yeah, two pairs of Vulcan balls in your mouth" Then everyone laughs except for Spock who realizes that the joke is highly illogical since Vulcans only have three testicles.

After the homoerotic space poker tournament, Spock goes to Uhura's room to try and prove that he isn't gay for Kirk. But Uhura isn't there. It's the cheetah, back for revenge. The cheetah shoots a laser net out of its eyes, which traps Spock so he can't escape. Spock is all "Dammit, who ARE you?" and the cheetah finally explains... He is Cheetro, the shape-shifting cheetah from planet Cheeton, and he has come aboard the Starship Enterprise to beat everyone at poker and start a new race of Cheetah/Vulcan hybrids. They will be called Cheecans. "You'll never get away with this, Cheetro!" yells Spock, but Cheetro isn't worried. "Please, Mr. Spock. I'm not a Science Fiction villian. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I stole your semen 35 minutes ago." Spock is shocked: "So that was YOU jerking me off under the poker table! Damn you, Cheetro!"

"Anyways," says Cheetro, "Now that I've explained all that I just have to KILL YOU. Mwa ha ha ha!" Suddenly, Chekov crashes through the window on the back of Scotty's frozen corpse. Cheetro gets sucked into space but Spock is protected by the laser net. As Cheetro floats away he's like "Nooooo! Hoisted by my own petard!" Later that night, the Enterprise gang are all playing poker again, including Scotty, who Bones manged to resuscitate, but he still has severe brain damage from being in the vacuum of space for so long. Chekov keeps winning hand after hand, and Spock is once again suspicious, and is about to accuse Checkov of being a cheetah. But then he notices that he's actually reading a book called "How to Cheat at Poker, Vegas-Style." And Chekov pronounces it "Wegas-style". Everybody laughs at this, including Spock, because he is drunker than any Vulcan in the history of the universe. He has a serious drinking problem.

Frost/Nixon 2: Deep Freeze

We open in Frost's Lair, where the famous Mr. Frost sits on his gigantic Ice Throne, stroking his kitty, Princess Popsicle. A man with a bag over his head is dragged into the room by some of Frost's minions, then they pull the bag off to reveal that the man is Richard M. Nixon. Nixon is all beat up and is missing an arm for some reason. Frost is like "Hammer time!" then picks up an Ice Hammer and smashes it in Nixon's face. He's like "You thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you, Nixy-Boy?" Nixon doesn't say anything, he just spits blood at Frost. One of the minions breaks a stalagmite off the floor and holds it to Nixon's throat. "You want me to kill him now, boss?", he asks, but Frost calls him off. "No, this one's mine," says Frost, "I should've done this a long time ago..." He picks up his Radioactive Ice Gun and points it at Nixon. "Any last words, Chief?" he says, while loading a power crystal into the magnetic particle chamber. Nixon finally speaks: "Yeah, Frosty... I'll see you in Hell." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he aims the gun at Nixon's face and pulls the trigger.

48 HOURS EARLIER. Frost/Nixon are on Nixon's private yacht, sipping martinis and doing cocaine. Nixon is like "I'm sure glad we became friends after that interview a few years ago, Frosty" and Frost agrees, "Yeah me too, Dick, you sure know how to party!" Nixon puts down the cocaine bowl for a second and gets real: "Let's agree, that no matter what happens, we'll remain best BFF's forever." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he removes a switchblade from his pocket. Nixon's bodyguards are like "What the fuck" but Nixon tells them to stand down, because he trusts him. Frost cuts open his pinky finger and then does the same to Nixon. Then they suck each other's pinkys. The bodyguards are creeped out, because it's pretty weird. Frost is like "We are now Blood Brothers" and then they continue doing cocaine while some strippers come out and blow them.

Later that night, Frost/Nixon are still out at sea getting fucked up. Nixon's assistant (Kevin Bacon) comes over and he's like "It's time to go back, sir" and Nixon reluctantly agrees, "Okay, party pooper, let's turn this cocksucker around." Kevin Bacon turns the boat around and crashes right into a giant fucking iceberg, and the boat starts getting sucked into a whirlpool or something. Also a storm just started so it's really dramatic with lightning and shit. Kevin Bacon's like "Come on Mr. President, we have to get to the life boat!" But Nixon won't go because he's hanging on to Frost who has fallen over the edge of the boat and is getting sucked into the mystical iceberg whirlpool. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he yells "You have to let me go, old friend, save yourself!" and Nixon's like "No! Never! We are Blood Brothers!" Then out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon cuts off Nixon's arm with a chainsaw, forcing him to let go of Frost, who falls to his supposed death under the sea. Nixon is like "NOOOOOOOOO" but Kevin Bacon says he did it for his own good. After crying for a minute, Nixon says he understands. Then he pulls out Frost's switchblade and stabs Kevin Bacon in the neck. He throws Bacon into the sea and then gets into the life boat and drives away from this clusterfuck by himself, leaving all the bodyguards and strippers behind.

Frost wakes up under the sea, in a mystical ice cave, surprised to find out that he's alive. Kevin Bacon is there too, but he's bleeding all over the place. Frost notices that he has been stabbed in the neck with the switchblade that he (Frost) gave to his Blood Brother (Nixon) earlier. He's like "Why would my Blood Brother do this to you?" And then Kevin Bacon reveals the shocking truth... this whole thing was part of Nixon's plan to kill Frost. But Kevin Bacon being killed wasn't part of the plan, so that's why he's like "fuck Nixon" now. Then Kevin Bacon dies. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he holds Kevin Bacon in his arms. "I can't believe my Blood Brother would betray me like this. I will avenge your death, Kevin Bacon... Mark my words, Mr. Frost will have his revenge."

Now we're back in the first scene, after Frost has captured Nixon and had his minions drag him into the Ice Cave. He holds up the Ice Cannon and pulls the trigger. But then it is revealed that he didn't shoot Nixon at all, he actually shot all of his minions. It only took one shot to kill all of them because this Ice Gun uses special power crystals from the planet Jupiter. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he tosses the gun aside. Nixon is like "Why didn't you kill me, Frosty?" Frost sits down in his Ice Throne and sighs, "I can't do it, old chum... You're my Blood Brother." Suddenly, Kevin Bacon crawls out from behind the throne, covered in blood. Turns out he actually didn't die yet. He points a gun at Nixon and says, "I ain't nobody's fuckin' Blood Brother" then he fires at the former President. Frost is like "Nooooooooooooo" and jumps in front of Nixon in slow motion, taking the bullet for him. Kevin Bacon's like "Dammit" because he only had one bullet. Then Kevin Bacon dies.

A single tear rolls down Nixon's cheek as he cradles Frost in his arm (because he only has one, remember). "It's all gonna be okay, Frosty," cries Nixon, "It's all going to be okay..." but the bullet hit Frost right in the fucking brain, so he's already dead. "I'll never forget you, Blood Brother..." Nixon sucks on Frost's pinky one last time. Suddenly, one of Frost's Ice Minions walks into the cave, all "Sorry I'm late" and sees that every other minion is dead, and one-armed Former President Richard Nixon is kneeling on the floor with dead David Frost's pinky finger in his mouth, crying like a baby. The minion is like, "This is too fucked up" and just shoots himself in the face. ONE WEEK LATER... Nixon returns home to his golden mansion. He goes over the fireplace and looks at a photo of him and Frost doing cocaine and fucking strippers, and smiles, remembering the good times. Then, out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon walks in from another room with bags on his feet like Mark Whalberg in The Departed. He shoots Nixon in the head and his body falls into the fireplace. Kevin Bacon lights him on fire, then he sits down in Nixon's chair and dies.

Phone Booth II: Call WEIGHTing

Colin Farrell is riding to his house on a motor scooter, carrying several boxes of jelly donuts. He has gotten really fat since the events of Phone Booth I, and now he only leaves the house to get food. He drives past an alley and hears a woman screaming for help. Hesitantly, Colin stops his scooter and peeks around the corner, and witnesses a gang member about to rape the woman. Colin throws a donut at the rapist and then Rapey gets scared and runs away. But he's already stabbed the woman in the arm so she needs medical assistance. Colin takes out his mobile phone to call 911, but he can't get a signal in that area. But there is a phone booth right next to the alley. Colin could either use that phone booth, or let the innocent woman die. Colin starts crying, "Sorry, lady, I can't do it" and speeds away. Cut to later, Colin is sitting on his bed naked, eating donut after donut, and watching the news. That woman in the alley died, and now police are on the lookout for a fat donut-eating fuck on a scooter, who was witnessed crying and eating donuts at the scene.

Fat Colin Farrell rides his scooter down the police station to turn himself in, and he is arrested and sent to prison. The prison guard is like "Okay, tubby, here's your cellmate... this guy's a real sick fuck, just like you." and the cellmate turns around to reveal that he is Kiefer Sutherland, the infamous Phone Booth Killer. Kiefer's like "I call top bunk" and Colin starts screaming. Kiefer calms him down, explaining that his Phone Booth Killing days are over, and that he confessed his crimes so that he could turn over a new leaf. Then he gives Colin a donut. Later that night, Colin wakes up and sees Kiefer digging a hole in the wall with a spoon. During the day, the hole is covered by a poster of Zac Efron. Colin's like "What the fuck are you doing, Keefs" and Kiefer quickly puts his hand over Colin's mouth and holds the spoon to his throat. "I'm escaping, lardo. I've been planning this for months, and you're the final part of the plan..." Colin doesn't understand, and Kiefer's like "Remember that donut you ate earlier?" We see a flashback to when he gave him the donut, and a close-up reveals that it's not really a donut at all, it's a piece of the prison cell wall, covered in sprinkles. Kiefer is going to escape by digging away the wall and feeding the pieces to Colin Farrel so the guards won't suspect a thing.

The next day in the lunch line, some guy tries to shiv Colin Farrell because his morbid obesity offends him. But Kiefer defends Colin by blocking the dude's shiv with a lunch tray and then decapitating him. Then he takes that dude's lunch and gives it to Colin, so now Colin has two lunches. Colin is like "Thanks, man." "No problem, pal," says Kiefer, "Just make sure you save room for that cement wall I'm digging out later tonight." The Prison Snitch overhears this, and runs to tell the Warden. The Warden is like "That's fucking stupid" and puts the snitch in The Hole for lying. Later that night, Kiefer Sutherland is romantically feeding Colin Farrell pieces of the cell wall. Then they hear a guard coming, so Kiefer's like "Quick, pretend we're making out" so they start making out and the guard sees them and is like "Yep, nothing suspicious going on here." After the guard leaves, Kiefer's like "Your breath tastes like cement, you disgusting fat piece of shit."

The following morning, Kiefer and Colin wake up after a night of hot, steamy lovemaking. Colin is lying on top of Kiefer and he's like "I see now why they call you the Phone Booth Killer. And by 'Phone' I mean 'Fat' and by 'Booth' I mean 'Cock' and by 'Killer' I mean 'Sucker'." Kiefer doesn't respond. Colin continues talking, "Anyways, I'm almost done eating that wall, so tonight we escape, buddy." Kiefer still says nothing, and that's when Colin realizes that he tragically crushed him to death under his fat, cement-filled body. Colin's like "Noooooooooo" and crawls into the hole in the wall and eats the rest of the way out. He then waddles his way to the prison fence and starts climbing it. But the fence is electrified, and it fries the shit out of Colin, causing him to explode. Pieces of blubber and cement rain down all over the prison, killing dozens of innocent prisoners. Later, a doctor is doing an autopsy of Kiefer Sutherand. His finishes up his report, "If only the fat guy didn't eat all that cement, these two homos could've fucked all night long and lived happily ever after."

Ferris Bueller's Night Off

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The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.