The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.

The Thing 2: The Last Thing of Scotland

The Thing in The Thing killed everyone except Kurt Russell (and another guy but I don't know his name). A few days later a rescue team shows up and finds Kurt alive, because he survived by eating the Other Guy. But Kurt doesn't tell them that he became a cannibal. He tells them about The Thing, and how it killed everyone. The rescue team just thinks he's crazy, and he gets sent to an asylum for the criminally insane. Over the next few months, Kurt is put through electro-shock therapy and eventually forced to believe that the events of the The Thing all happened in his mind and there's no such thing as Things. He breaks down and starts crying in the middle of a group therapy session and all the other crazy people group hug him. Then the camera pans up, and up, and fucking UP into space for ten minutes until it stops at a distant alien planet. This is Planet Thing, home of The Things. And right in the middle of the planet is a giant statue of Kurt Russell.

One year later, back on Earth, Kurt Russell is released from the Crazy House. Some kid rides past him on a tricycle, then stops for a second and yells "Hey, fuck you, Krazy Kurt!" then rides away. Kurt yells "No, fuck YOU", but he waited too long before saying it so the kid was too far away to hear him. Also he says it right when a gang of teenage street-punks are walking past, so they thing (I mean think) Kurt was talking to them. The Punk Leader is like "What'd you just say, old man?" and he pulls out a switchblade. Kurt's like "No, I wasn't talking to you" but these rapscallions don't believe him. They start pushing him around, and Kurt's like "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" but they keep pushing him, which makes him angry. So Kurt is forced to kick all their asses. Then he steals a skateboard that one of them was carrying and skates away.

Now there's a montage of Kurt Russell building something. We can't tell what he's building yet, but whatever it is, it's big. The street punks show up and they're like "Hey old man!" and Kurt turns around, thinking they're back for round two, because it looks like Punk #1 is reaching for his switchblade again. But they're just like "Looks like you could use some help" and Punk#1 pulls out a hammer instead of a switchblade. They help him build, because now they respect him. One week later, they've finished building and one punk is like "So what is this, old man?" And we finally see that they have built a space ship. It looks exactly like the one from The Thing, because Kurt was just putting on an act the whole time he was in the asylum. He was just waiting to get out so he could travel to Planet Thing and get revenge on the Things that killed his buddies. He gets into the ship and flies away.

One light year later, the USS Krazy Kurt makes a crash landing. Kurt steps out and says "Finally, here I am on Planet Thing." But we saw Planet Thing earlier so we know he isn't really there. There's a sign right next to him that says "Welcome to Loch Ness", Kurt reads it and is like "What a strange language these aliens have." Then he starts killing everyone he sees, because he thinks that they're Things. In what is later known as the Kurt Russell Massacre, he brutally murders over 300 people before a police sniper takes him down with a bullet to the chest. Kurt is almost dead, but he is still able to crawl back into his space ship and start the self-destruct sequence. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey that he had been saving for this special occasion, and looks at a photo of him and his friends who were killed by The Thing in The Thing. "I did it..." he says, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I saved the world."

The Usual Suspects Part II: The Hunt for Keyser Soze

The Detective has just realized that (spoiler alert for US1) Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Soze, and he's totally pissed that Spacey Punk'd him this whole time. He runs out of the Police Headquarters to see Soze and his wife, Mrs. Soze, driving away. It's too late for him to do anything. Or is it? Detective Johnson punches some guy off his motorcycle, then jumps on it and starts chasing after the Sozes. He drives up next to the Sozemobile and yells "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Spacey... or should I say, Mr. Sozey?" and Keyser's like "what i can't hear you" because they're still driving. The Detective holds up his badge and demands that Mrs. Soze pull over the car immediately. Mr. Soze is like "What's the big idea, copper? I'm not Keyser Soze, I'm just that crippled guy. Gee Whiz, mister!" But his wife knows that the jig is up, so she swerves the car into Detective Johnson and tips over his motorcycle, causing him to skid off the road and into a cafe, killing many innocent bystanders. As the Sozes continue to speed away from Detective J, Keyser's like "Jeepers, babycakes, what'd you do that for? I had that cop wrapped around my little fake-crippled finger, I did!" She just punches him the face and tells him to shut up. Then she pulls of her wig to reveal her true identity, and says "I don't need Detective Johnson discovering my true identity..." Keyser Soze is shocked, but we don't see her face yet so we don't know her true identity.

Meanwhile, back at the cafe where Detective J crashed his bike and killed 7 people who were just minding their own business and drinking some coffee, the good detective climbs up out of the pile of corpses that cushioned his impact and saved his life. He looks down the road and can just make out the Sozemobile in the distance as they drive over the horizon. Then he pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and looks at it. It is tracking the Sozemobile. We quickly see a slow-motion flashback of Detective J placing a tracking device onto the car when he was driving next to it earlier. Detective J is like "I'm gonna get you, Keyser Soze... I'm gonna hunt you down like the dog that you are. Because I hunt dogs. I swear on my partner's grave that you will pay..." Because his partner was one of the people who died in that cafe a minute ago. Then a motorcycle cop drives up and is like "Holy shit balls, Detective Johnson! This looks like one goddamn fucking hell of a cunt-fucking clusterfuck! I better call this into the station!" But when he picks up the radio to call it in, Detective Johnson hits him with a Karate chop to the throat, rendering him unconscious. Then he steals his bike and drives away while AC/DC's "Back In Black" starts to play.

Cut to the Soze Safe House, where Keyser is changing out of his fake-cripple clothes that he wore while he was in disguise as Kevin Spacey. So now he's wearing all black, and he's like "It feels so good to be back in black." The song is still playing when he says that. Then suddenly there's a record scratch and the song stops. Mrs. Soze (who is wearing a wig again so we still don't know her True Identity) comes out of the other room and shoves him to the floor. He's like "what the fuck is your problem", then all of a fucking sudden someone starts firing guns into the room. It's Detective Johnson, who is standing outside with a Tommy Gun in each hand and smoking a cigar. Keyser Soze yells "I thought this was supposed to be a safe house, but it's more like an UN-safe house, am i right!?" and his wife says "what i can't hear you" - this is a callback to earlier when they were driving. Keyser is relieved that she didn't hear him because it was a pretty lame joke that he regretted as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Outside, Detective Johnson has finally run out of ammo. He yells out "Hey Soze, I know you're in there! Come out and face me like the dog you are!" Soze yells back "You're the fucking dog, why don't you suck my dick!" And Johnson replies "You'd like that wouldn't you, Gay-zer Soze!" Then he waits for Keyser to yell something back, and when he doesn't the detective yells "What's the matter, Mr. Soze? Cat got your tongue?" But really the Sozes just escaped out the back door of the safe house and are running away through the desert. It takes Johnson like five minutes to realize this, then he gets back on his motorcycle to chase after them, but it won't start. While Johnson was busy shooting into the safe house, someone poured sugar in the gas tank. "Damn you, Keyser Soze!!!" he yells, but then he notices a trail of sugar leading from his bike into the bushes. He throws a grenade into the bushes, thinking he'll kill Keyser Fucking Soze. But Keyser isn't there, it's just some random fat kid. Johnson is shocked that he just murdered an innocent fat kid, and he's like "Why did you do it, fat kid? Why did you make me kill you?" The fat kid says "Because... Keyser Soze is my father..." then he dies. Also the fat kid has a cheeseburger in one hand that he was eating before he died. Johnson steals the tasty burger and takes a bite, then he says, "Tastes like vengeance." The fat kid's like "That's my burger you fat fuck", then he REALLY dies.

AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" starts playing. We see the Sozes driving on a highway. Keyser says "Man, it feels like we're on a highway to Hell." The song continues as we see a montage of Detective Johnson pursuing the Sozes, and every time they think they're safe, Johnson is one step behind them, eating a cheeseburger. The song fades out as the Sozes pull into a gas station. Keyser's like "I haven't seen that detective in hours, I just gotta buy a hotdog then we'll get back on the road." Mrs. Soze says "Okay but hurry up, I don't want anyone to discover my True Identity." Keyser enters the gas station and picks up a hotdog. Then he realizes that he left his wallet back at the safe house, and figures that he's already a mastermind criminal so he may as well add "hotdog theft" to his list of crimes. But then as he's leaving the clerk is like "Hey buddy, is that a hotdog in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" They both laugh at this hilarious joke, then the clerk says "Seriously though, you better pay for that." There is an awkward silence for 30 seconds as Keyser thinks about his next move, being the calculated genius that he is. Then he pulls the hotdog out of his pocket and eats it. "Pay for what?" He says, then starts walking out of the place with a stupid fucking smirk on his face.

The clerk has tears in his eyes. He can't believe what just happened. He flashes back to 5 years ago, when a criminal stole a hotdog and used it to beat his wife to death. Then he's like "No, not again" and he jumps over the counter and runs at Keyser Soze. At that very moment, Detective Johnson crashes through the widow and also runs at Keyser Soze. Keyzer jumps into the air at just the right time, so the clerk and the detective run into each other. As they're both lying unconscious on the floor, Keyser realizes this is his big chance. He steals all the hotdogs in the place and runs back to the car. He jumps in and tells Mrs. Soze to cheese it, because the guy who's been chasing them for the last 2 weeks is inside the goddamn gas station. She tries to drive away, but the car won't start. Then they look out the window and notice that someone has poured sugar in the gas tank. Keyser dips a hotdog in the sugar and then eats some of it. Then Detective Johnson shoots him in the hand and makes him drop the rest of the sugar-gas-hotdog.

Keyser Soze is screaming because he just got his hand blown off. He yells out to Mrs. Soze to help him, but she panics and is like "No! He can't know my True Identity!" and she just speeds away in the Sozemobile, leaving Keyser to bleed all over the place with his hotdogs. Detective Johnson walks over and shoots off his other hand. "Let's see you eat hotdogs now, like the hot dog that you are." But Keyser isn't really hungry anymore. He's all "How did you do it, Detective? How did you defeat me?" Detective Johnson replies, "Let's just say... I had a little help from a fat friend." The fat kid from earlier looks out from behind the bushes, holding a bag of sugar, and he and Johnson wink at each other. I guess he didn't die after all. Johnson picks up a hotdog and throws it to Fatty. "Here, Fat Kid," he says, "Go have yourself a snack. You don't wanna see what I'm about to do." "Okay, mister. I love you." Says Fat Kid, and he walks away into the sunset, chewing on his Hotdog of Love.

Run Lola Run II: Lola Goes Bananas

It's been 20 years since the events of Run Lola Run. Lola's boyfriend is dead now and she has an 18 year old daughter named Lalo. Lalo likes to "Lay low" if you know what I mean. Lola is now retired from running and she owns a restaurant. It's like Rocky Balboa except she's a runner and not a boxer. One night, two punk kids come into the restaurant and rob everybody at gunpoint. They put all the money and shit into a bag and run away. Someone's like "Run, Lola, run! You have to stop them!" so she starts chasing the punks. Punk #1 sees her and is like "Holy shit, it's the famous Running Lola! We better cheese it!" So Lola's chasing them for a few minutes, and she almost catches up to them, but then she has to stop and throw up. She sits down on the curb and tries to catch her breath. She's like 50 years old now so come on, of course she didn't catch them. Then some random kid walks up to her and says "Look at you, Lola. You used to be somethin'. Now you're nothin' but a bum in the streets." Then that kid walks away, never to be seen again.

When Lola returns to the restaurant, everyone's like "So where the fuck is our shit, dawg?" and they're all disappointed in her for not retrieving everything, these selfish fucking assholes. Also one of the people who had their shit stolen is a restaurant critic and because of these events he gives her restaurant only 2 stars out of 5. Lola tries to make up for her customers' losses by giving them all two free cases of her home-made Lola Cola. They all take the Cola, but they're still not happy. And neither is Lola, because she lost a lot of money tonight, but more importantly, she also lost... her dignity, or something. So now Lola's standing in her empty restaurant, and a mysterious stranger enters. He makes her an offer she can't refuse: If she comes out of retirement for one last run, he'll pay her one million dollars. He'll also find the two punks who robbed the restaurant and murder them. So Lola's like "okay cool"

Later, Lola is training for the running. Her daughter Lalo comes to visit her and she's all "What the fuck are you doing, you're too old, you're gonna die, you don't have to prove anything, blah blah blah" and Lola's like "Shut the fuck up" so the Lalo does the opposite of shutting the fuck up: she screams really loudly, and all the in the room glass shatters into a bazillion pieces. Then she runs away, but she didn't inherit her mother's running abilities, so she sucks at running. She trips over on the way out and some random kid (not the same one as before) is like "Have a nice TRIP when you TRIPPED OVER, DAY TRIPPER?!" So then Lola goes over to Lalo and they have a very emotional mother/daughter moment. Lola's like "I gotta do this... there's no other way" and Lalo's like "Cool I hope you win" because she changed her mind since a few seconds ago.

The day of The Big Run. Lola has been training a lot, but everybody's still like "There's no way this old bitch can run". But she sure proves them wrong. She runs faster than the speed of light. She runs around the whole planet twice. Now everyone's like "Holy shit, this old bitch is clearly not human and must be destroyed", so I guess she can't win either way. Then Lola runs into the sky and returns to her home planet. Her half-human daughter is taken prisoner on Earth. The End.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: The Fast and the Curious

Beginning shortly after the end of the first movie in the Benjamin Button franchise, Cate Blanchett has recently died and now her daughter, Buttongirl, is preparing for the funeral. She's filling out the funeral application forms in her house, when there's a knock at the door. It's a girl scout, selling cookies to raise money for a girl scout camping trip or something. Buttongirl buys 10 boxes, in honor of her mother who loved girl scout cookies. Later, she's eating her third box of cookies, and suddenly chips her tooth on one of them. Then, upon closer inspection of the tooth-chipping cookie, she discovers that it's not a cookie at all, it's a fucking button. "What the fuck?" she says to her cat. Her cat is like "meow" but it doesn't really say anything. Buttongirl analyzes the button underneath a microscope and finds a hidden message: Meet me at the docks tonite if you want to know the truth about your father, Benjamin B. Button, Esquire. Come alone. You can bring your cat, I guess, because that doesn't count. Not that I have anything against cats, I'm just saying, by "alone" I mean "without any other human beings". I think you know what I mean. See you soon, I hope! They fit all that on one button somehow.

That night, Buttongirl and her cat, Mittenballs, travel to The Docks. She has mace and a switchblade with her in case anyone tries to start some shit. After waiting around for a few minutes, she's like "where the fuck is this guy" and her cat just says "meow-meow". So then some gang members start walking towards her. Guy #1 is all "Well, well, looky what we got here" and Buttongirl quickly pulls out her mace and sprays it all over the guy's face. Then her cat jumps on him and scratches the shit out him, but that just gets mace all over the cat so now the cat is rolling around on the ground in pain too. The second gang member is like "You is gonna pay for that, bee-yotch" and is about to attack her, but she pulls out her switchblade and throws it at him, hitting him in the eye. Now he's on the ground next to the first guy and the cat, and they're all crying and shit. So Buttongirl picks up Mittenballs and runs away.

The next day, Buttongirl is eating some Cereal-O's and chips another tooth. Because there was a button in her cereal. This button also has a secret message for her: Dear Buttongirl, where were you last night? I got there at 10pm and waited like 2o minutes for you. I'll be there again tonite, so please show up. Your pal, Anonymous. Buttongirl just throws the button away and her cat eats it. A few hours later, she's meeting with a funeral director about her mother's funeral, and she can't concentrate on what he's saying because there's something weird about the top button of his shirt. She rips the button off him and examines is closely, finding another message: Why did you feed the last button to your cat? Buttongirl's like "How am I supposed to respond to these button messages?" And the funeral director just thinks she's crazy but he still agrees to organize the funeral because she has a lot of money.

Two days later, at the funeral, Buttongirl gets hit in the face by something. It's another button. She doesn't read it, but she looks around and sees some guy hiding behind a tree. She's like "Hey asshole" and he runs away. She chases him all through the cemetery but isn't able to catch him. When she finally stops running, she realizes that she is at the grave of Benjamin Button. But the grave is fucking empty! Someone dug up Benjamin's baby-corpse. There is one final button sitting on the gravestone with a secret message that explains everything: I dug up Benjamin Button's corpse so I could harvest his unique DNA in order to create the perfect killing machine. Soon I will control the world, and it's all thanks to you, Buttongirl! To be concluded...

Elephant Man II: The Curse of the Elephant Man

It has been one year since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. It's also Halloween. Because he died on Halloween. Some kids are trick-or-treating, and one of them is dressed as an elephant. But it's hard to tell what he's supposed to be because it's a poorly-made costume, so when his friends first see him they're like "what are you supposed to be" and says "I'm an elephant, man." Then a mysterious voice from the bushes says "Somebody say mah name?" and a guy with a bag over his head jumps out of the bushes and kills the elephant costume kid with his signature weapon: an ivory elephant tusk. The other kids are like "Holy cunt-balls" and they run away. But they don't make it very far, because the mysterious hooded figure throws several elephant tusk stars at them and takes two of them down. Then there's only one kid left. It's a girl named Ellie. Ellie Phant. She climbs up a tree and hides there, because she figures that this guy is the Elephant Man and elephants can't climb trees. But her name is Ellie Phant and she just climbed it so it's ironic or something. The killer stands right under the tree, but he doesn't know Ellie is up there. He yells out "I know you can hear me, kid. And I'm gonna find you. Even if I have to wait a year, you will meet your maker at the hands of the Elephant Man! Because that's who I am!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been two years since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. And it's been one year since an evil supervillan claiming to be The Elephant Man killed several innocent children on Halloween. But it's not Halloween yet, it's Halloween Eve, and Ellie Phant is scared that the Elephant Man is going to come back to kill her, the only survivor of The Elephant Man Massacre. Her boyfriend is like "Don't worry, baby, I can protect you." Then they start making out, and as the clock ticks over to 12:01am the camera pans across to the window and we see the guy with a bag over his head looking creepily through the window. Ellie sees him and starts screaming but when Boyfriend looks over he's gone and he thinks she just imagined it. He walks over and opens the window and he's like "See, there's no Elephant Man here. Except for the elephant... in my heart." Suddenly, a giant elephant tusk impales him through the chest and kills him. The killer pulls the tusk out and looks at Ellie through Boyfriend's gaping chest wound. He's like "I told you what I'd do, Ellie, and an elephant never forgets!" Ellie screams and quickly runs to her parents' bedroom, but her parents are already dead. She grabs her dad's gun starts firing it at the killer, but he deflects the bullets with his giant elephant tusk. One of the bullets ricochets into Ellie's eye, and that's how she got the nickname "One-Eyed Ellie". So now the "Elephant Man" is standing over ol' One-Eyed Ellie about to decapitate her with his elephant tusk machete. When all of a sudden, a mouse runs across the floor. The Elephant Man is like "Eek!!" And runs away. Because elephants are afraid of mice. Looks like Ellie has found her secret weapon. While the killer is standing on a chair Ellie jumps out the window and runs away, while he yells "You haven't heard the last me, One-Eyed Ellie! Even if it takes another year, you will be murdered by me, The Elephant Man!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been three years since John Merrick died, two since those kids were killed, and one since the Elephant Man killer returned and killed more people. This time Ellie is ready for him. She's been working out, now she's like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. And it's Judgement Day, alright. Prepare to be judged. It's 12:01, Halloween, and she goes out and stands on her front lawn. She's like "Come and get me, sucka" and she's smoking a cigar. Also she's wearing an eye patch. But the Elephant Man doesn't show up for some reason.

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been four years since John Merrick died, three since the Elephant Man killed some kids, two since he came back to finish off the last survivor and failed due to his fear of mice, and one since he accidentally went to the wrong house so Ellie Phant got that year off. Ellie is married now, and since the evil Elephant Man didn't show up last year, she think that whole ordeal is over and done with. But BOY OH BOY OH FUCKING BOY-O BOY is she wrong. Dead wrong. She's having dinner with her husband, when there's a knock at the door. Things get really tense and scary as Ellie goes to open the door. But it's not the killer, it's just the Chief of Police. He's like "Are you sure you don't want any protection this year? Just because the Elephant Man took last year off doesn't mean he won't come back to kill you. After all, you are his worst enemy. And if I were him, which I'm not, I would want to murder the fucking shit out of you and rape you while forcing your husband to watch." But Ellie's like "Don't worry, Chief, I'll be fine." So the chief leaves. A minute later, there's a knock at the door again, so Ellie opens it all "I saaaaaiiiiddd I'll be fine, Chief" But it's actually the Elephant Man this time, and he's like "Who you callin' CHIEF, sucka"

The evil Elephant Man swings his elephant tusk sword at Ellie, but she leans back, Matrix-style, and dodges the attack. Then she does a back flip and kicks the killer in the face. Ellie and Elephant Man have a big Kung-Fu fight for 10 minutes while Ellie's husband just sits there and watches this amazing showdown. Eventually it looks like Elephant Mas has the upper hand - he has Ellie in a Kung-Fu Grip and she can't move. He's about to break her arms, but she is able to jump into the air while he's holding on to her so they crash through the ceiling and land on the roof of the house. Her husband's like "Damn, now I can't see the fight." So now they're on the roof, and they're fighting with elephant tusk swords. Ellie manages to force Elephant Man over to the edge of the house, and Elephant Man is afraid of heights, so this gives Ellie the upper hand, and she cuts both of his legs off. He then falls off the roof, but it's only a one-story house so he lands comfortably on the grass. He tries crawling away, but Ellie jumps down and cuts both of his arms off. Then she's like "Now let's find out how you really are!" And she pulls his mask off to reveal that he was Anthony Hopkins all along. But she doesn't even know who that is.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Part II: Logan's Run

Wolverine is in a bar in Japan, in the 1980s, and the bartender's asks "Are you drinking to forget?" and he replies "No, I'm drinkin' to remember." Then Sabretooth enters and he's like, "Remember me... brother?" But Wolverine doesn't remember. "How could you forget... your brother... brother?" says Sabretooth. Wolverine is like "Are you my brother or something?" then we cut to a flashback of Wolvie & Sabie as kids. It's like 1886 and they've just run away from home. Sabie is like "Come on, bro! We're gonna be best friends forever! Nothing can tear us apart, ever!" and Wolvie (or as he was known back then, "Logan") agrees that they will always fight side-by-side, even if they live for more than a hundred years and even if he gets an Adamantium skeleton. But because he's just a kid, he mispronounces it as "Aluminum" because kids say the darnedest things.

Anyway, before they leave their home town, Logan wants to say goodbye to his girlfriend, Norma-Jean. He goes to see her and she's all "I already know what you're going to say, Logie" and Logie's confused, because how could she know?? It's not like she can read his mind. She tells him to just leave, and that she never wants to see him again, and she never will, ever. Then after Logan walks away, Norma-Jean's brother comes up to her and he's like "hey I just figured out how to make people travel a hundred years into the future" so he zaps Norma-Jean and she teleports to the future and changes her name to Jean Grey. The Origin of Jean Grey has been revealed.

Logan meets up with his brother Sabie again, and Sabie's like "I'm glad she's gone, bro. We'll never see her again! You'll especially never see her again." and Logan says he already forgot her name. Then they start walking out of town and Logan accidentally steps on a toad. He's like "Goddamn I hate toads." Then he kicks it away. The toad watches them leave, and then there's a time-lapse or something that shows how the toad mutated over a hundred years until he eventually became the evil mutant known as Toad. The Origin of Toad has been revealed.

A few years later, Wolverine and Sabertooth are fighting Nazis in Germany. They see some Nazis carrying a kid to a Death Camp, and Wolvie is like "Yo we should help him" and Sabie just says "Fuck that little fuck, he can suck my fucking dick, faggot" So Wolvie goes to rescue the kid by himself. He slices up the Nazis with his claws, and then picks up a Nazi Grenade and throws it at a Nazi Tank. Then he carries the kid to safety in slow-motion while the tank explodes in the background. The kid wakes up and he's like "We have to save the other jews" and Wolvie's like "Okay bub, but this could be dangerous. You're gonna have to wear a helmet." And he picks up a helmet off the ground and puts it on the kid's head. But the helmet is way too big for him and it covers his whole head so he looks like Magneto. Because he is Magneto. Also the kid picks up a tank with his mind and throws it at Hitler. The Origin of Magneto has been revealed.

Wolverine and Lil' Magneto save the Jews and one of them has blue hair. A Nazi comes out of nowhere and tries to shoot the blue-haired kid but Bluey does some gymnastic shit and swings around and kicks the Nazi's head off. Wolverine is like "Damn, kid, that was a pretty beastly move." Then the kid says "Hey don't call me a Beast." The Origin of Beast has been revealed.

Later that night, Wolverine sees some guy crawling on the ground. He's crawling at night. The Origin of Nightcrawler has been revealed.

Wolverine meets back up with Sabretooth and tells him about all the crazy characters he met while fighting Nazis today. Sabie tells Wolvie about all the crazy characters he raped today. Wolvie's like "You so crazy, bub" Then we cut back to the 1980s, in the Japanese Saloon. Sabretooth asks, "Now do you remember, brother?" And Wolverine is like "No." The End. Then, after the credits, Sabretooth morphs into a naked blue chick. Some guy sees her and he's like "Who are you?" And she says "My name is Teek. Miss Teek." The Origin of Mystique has been revealed.