Run Lola Run II: Lola Goes Bananas

It's been 20 years since the events of Run Lola Run. Lola's boyfriend is dead now and she has an 18 year old daughter named Lalo. Lalo likes to "Lay low" if you know what I mean. Lola is now retired from running and she owns a restaurant. It's like Rocky Balboa except she's a runner and not a boxer. One night, two punk kids come into the restaurant and rob everybody at gunpoint. They put all the money and shit into a bag and run away. Someone's like "Run, Lola, run! You have to stop them!" so she starts chasing the punks. Punk #1 sees her and is like "Holy shit, it's the famous Running Lola! We better cheese it!" So Lola's chasing them for a few minutes, and she almost catches up to them, but then she has to stop and throw up. She sits down on the curb and tries to catch her breath. She's like 50 years old now so come on, of course she didn't catch them. Then some random kid walks up to her and says "Look at you, Lola. You used to be somethin'. Now you're nothin' but a bum in the streets." Then that kid walks away, never to be seen again.

When Lola returns to the restaurant, everyone's like "So where the fuck is our shit, dawg?" and they're all disappointed in her for not retrieving everything, these selfish fucking assholes. Also one of the people who had their shit stolen is a restaurant critic and because of these events he gives her restaurant only 2 stars out of 5. Lola tries to make up for her customers' losses by giving them all two free cases of her home-made Lola Cola. They all take the Cola, but they're still not happy. And neither is Lola, because she lost a lot of money tonight, but more importantly, she also lost... her dignity, or something. So now Lola's standing in her empty restaurant, and a mysterious stranger enters. He makes her an offer she can't refuse: If she comes out of retirement for one last run, he'll pay her one million dollars. He'll also find the two punks who robbed the restaurant and murder them. So Lola's like "okay cool"

Later, Lola is training for the running. Her daughter Lalo comes to visit her and she's all "What the fuck are you doing, you're too old, you're gonna die, you don't have to prove anything, blah blah blah" and Lola's like "Shut the fuck up" so the Lalo does the opposite of shutting the fuck up: she screams really loudly, and all the in the room glass shatters into a bazillion pieces. Then she runs away, but she didn't inherit her mother's running abilities, so she sucks at running. She trips over on the way out and some random kid (not the same one as before) is like "Have a nice TRIP when you TRIPPED OVER, DAY TRIPPER?!" So then Lola goes over to Lalo and they have a very emotional mother/daughter moment. Lola's like "I gotta do this... there's no other way" and Lalo's like "Cool I hope you win" because she changed her mind since a few seconds ago.

The day of The Big Run. Lola has been training a lot, but everybody's still like "There's no way this old bitch can run". But she sure proves them wrong. She runs faster than the speed of light. She runs around the whole planet twice. Now everyone's like "Holy shit, this old bitch is clearly not human and must be destroyed", so I guess she can't win either way. Then Lola runs into the sky and returns to her home planet. Her half-human daughter is taken prisoner on Earth. The End.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: The Fast and the Curious

Beginning shortly after the end of the first movie in the Benjamin Button franchise, Cate Blanchett has recently died and now her daughter, Buttongirl, is preparing for the funeral. She's filling out the funeral application forms in her house, when there's a knock at the door. It's a girl scout, selling cookies to raise money for a girl scout camping trip or something. Buttongirl buys 10 boxes, in honor of her mother who loved girl scout cookies. Later, she's eating her third box of cookies, and suddenly chips her tooth on one of them. Then, upon closer inspection of the tooth-chipping cookie, she discovers that it's not a cookie at all, it's a fucking button. "What the fuck?" she says to her cat. Her cat is like "meow" but it doesn't really say anything. Buttongirl analyzes the button underneath a microscope and finds a hidden message: Meet me at the docks tonite if you want to know the truth about your father, Benjamin B. Button, Esquire. Come alone. You can bring your cat, I guess, because that doesn't count. Not that I have anything against cats, I'm just saying, by "alone" I mean "without any other human beings". I think you know what I mean. See you soon, I hope! They fit all that on one button somehow.

That night, Buttongirl and her cat, Mittenballs, travel to The Docks. She has mace and a switchblade with her in case anyone tries to start some shit. After waiting around for a few minutes, she's like "where the fuck is this guy" and her cat just says "meow-meow". So then some gang members start walking towards her. Guy #1 is all "Well, well, looky what we got here" and Buttongirl quickly pulls out her mace and sprays it all over the guy's face. Then her cat jumps on him and scratches the shit out him, but that just gets mace all over the cat so now the cat is rolling around on the ground in pain too. The second gang member is like "You is gonna pay for that, bee-yotch" and is about to attack her, but she pulls out her switchblade and throws it at him, hitting him in the eye. Now he's on the ground next to the first guy and the cat, and they're all crying and shit. So Buttongirl picks up Mittenballs and runs away.

The next day, Buttongirl is eating some Cereal-O's and chips another tooth. Because there was a button in her cereal. This button also has a secret message for her: Dear Buttongirl, where were you last night? I got there at 10pm and waited like 2o minutes for you. I'll be there again tonite, so please show up. Your pal, Anonymous. Buttongirl just throws the button away and her cat eats it. A few hours later, she's meeting with a funeral director about her mother's funeral, and she can't concentrate on what he's saying because there's something weird about the top button of his shirt. She rips the button off him and examines is closely, finding another message: Why did you feed the last button to your cat? Buttongirl's like "How am I supposed to respond to these button messages?" And the funeral director just thinks she's crazy but he still agrees to organize the funeral because she has a lot of money.

Two days later, at the funeral, Buttongirl gets hit in the face by something. It's another button. She doesn't read it, but she looks around and sees some guy hiding behind a tree. She's like "Hey asshole" and he runs away. She chases him all through the cemetery but isn't able to catch him. When she finally stops running, she realizes that she is at the grave of Benjamin Button. But the grave is fucking empty! Someone dug up Benjamin's baby-corpse. There is one final button sitting on the gravestone with a secret message that explains everything: I dug up Benjamin Button's corpse so I could harvest his unique DNA in order to create the perfect killing machine. Soon I will control the world, and it's all thanks to you, Buttongirl! To be concluded...

Elephant Man II: The Curse of the Elephant Man

It has been one year since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. It's also Halloween. Because he died on Halloween. Some kids are trick-or-treating, and one of them is dressed as an elephant. But it's hard to tell what he's supposed to be because it's a poorly-made costume, so when his friends first see him they're like "what are you supposed to be" and says "I'm an elephant, man." Then a mysterious voice from the bushes says "Somebody say mah name?" and a guy with a bag over his head jumps out of the bushes and kills the elephant costume kid with his signature weapon: an ivory elephant tusk. The other kids are like "Holy cunt-balls" and they run away. But they don't make it very far, because the mysterious hooded figure throws several elephant tusk stars at them and takes two of them down. Then there's only one kid left. It's a girl named Ellie. Ellie Phant. She climbs up a tree and hides there, because she figures that this guy is the Elephant Man and elephants can't climb trees. But her name is Ellie Phant and she just climbed it so it's ironic or something. The killer stands right under the tree, but he doesn't know Ellie is up there. He yells out "I know you can hear me, kid. And I'm gonna find you. Even if I have to wait a year, you will meet your maker at the hands of the Elephant Man! Because that's who I am!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been two years since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. And it's been one year since an evil supervillan claiming to be The Elephant Man killed several innocent children on Halloween. But it's not Halloween yet, it's Halloween Eve, and Ellie Phant is scared that the Elephant Man is going to come back to kill her, the only survivor of The Elephant Man Massacre. Her boyfriend is like "Don't worry, baby, I can protect you." Then they start making out, and as the clock ticks over to 12:01am the camera pans across to the window and we see the guy with a bag over his head looking creepily through the window. Ellie sees him and starts screaming but when Boyfriend looks over he's gone and he thinks she just imagined it. He walks over and opens the window and he's like "See, there's no Elephant Man here. Except for the elephant... in my heart." Suddenly, a giant elephant tusk impales him through the chest and kills him. The killer pulls the tusk out and looks at Ellie through Boyfriend's gaping chest wound. He's like "I told you what I'd do, Ellie, and an elephant never forgets!" Ellie screams and quickly runs to her parents' bedroom, but her parents are already dead. She grabs her dad's gun starts firing it at the killer, but he deflects the bullets with his giant elephant tusk. One of the bullets ricochets into Ellie's eye, and that's how she got the nickname "One-Eyed Ellie". So now the "Elephant Man" is standing over ol' One-Eyed Ellie about to decapitate her with his elephant tusk machete. When all of a sudden, a mouse runs across the floor. The Elephant Man is like "Eek!!" And runs away. Because elephants are afraid of mice. Looks like Ellie has found her secret weapon. While the killer is standing on a chair Ellie jumps out the window and runs away, while he yells "You haven't heard the last me, One-Eyed Ellie! Even if it takes another year, you will be murdered by me, The Elephant Man!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been three years since John Merrick died, two since those kids were killed, and one since the Elephant Man killer returned and killed more people. This time Ellie is ready for him. She's been working out, now she's like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. And it's Judgement Day, alright. Prepare to be judged. It's 12:01, Halloween, and she goes out and stands on her front lawn. She's like "Come and get me, sucka" and she's smoking a cigar. Also she's wearing an eye patch. But the Elephant Man doesn't show up for some reason.

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been four years since John Merrick died, three since the Elephant Man killed some kids, two since he came back to finish off the last survivor and failed due to his fear of mice, and one since he accidentally went to the wrong house so Ellie Phant got that year off. Ellie is married now, and since the evil Elephant Man didn't show up last year, she think that whole ordeal is over and done with. But BOY OH BOY OH FUCKING BOY-O BOY is she wrong. Dead wrong. She's having dinner with her husband, when there's a knock at the door. Things get really tense and scary as Ellie goes to open the door. But it's not the killer, it's just the Chief of Police. He's like "Are you sure you don't want any protection this year? Just because the Elephant Man took last year off doesn't mean he won't come back to kill you. After all, you are his worst enemy. And if I were him, which I'm not, I would want to murder the fucking shit out of you and rape you while forcing your husband to watch." But Ellie's like "Don't worry, Chief, I'll be fine." So the chief leaves. A minute later, there's a knock at the door again, so Ellie opens it all "I saaaaaiiiiddd I'll be fine, Chief" But it's actually the Elephant Man this time, and he's like "Who you callin' CHIEF, sucka"

The evil Elephant Man swings his elephant tusk sword at Ellie, but she leans back, Matrix-style, and dodges the attack. Then she does a back flip and kicks the killer in the face. Ellie and Elephant Man have a big Kung-Fu fight for 10 minutes while Ellie's husband just sits there and watches this amazing showdown. Eventually it looks like Elephant Mas has the upper hand - he has Ellie in a Kung-Fu Grip and she can't move. He's about to break her arms, but she is able to jump into the air while he's holding on to her so they crash through the ceiling and land on the roof of the house. Her husband's like "Damn, now I can't see the fight." So now they're on the roof, and they're fighting with elephant tusk swords. Ellie manages to force Elephant Man over to the edge of the house, and Elephant Man is afraid of heights, so this gives Ellie the upper hand, and she cuts both of his legs off. He then falls off the roof, but it's only a one-story house so he lands comfortably on the grass. He tries crawling away, but Ellie jumps down and cuts both of his arms off. Then she's like "Now let's find out how you really are!" And she pulls his mask off to reveal that he was Anthony Hopkins all along. But she doesn't even know who that is.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Part II: Logan's Run

Wolverine is in a bar in Japan, in the 1980s, and the bartender's asks "Are you drinking to forget?" and he replies "No, I'm drinkin' to remember." Then Sabretooth enters and he's like, "Remember me... brother?" But Wolverine doesn't remember. "How could you forget... your brother... brother?" says Sabretooth. Wolverine is like "Are you my brother or something?" then we cut to a flashback of Wolvie & Sabie as kids. It's like 1886 and they've just run away from home. Sabie is like "Come on, bro! We're gonna be best friends forever! Nothing can tear us apart, ever!" and Wolvie (or as he was known back then, "Logan") agrees that they will always fight side-by-side, even if they live for more than a hundred years and even if he gets an Adamantium skeleton. But because he's just a kid, he mispronounces it as "Aluminum" because kids say the darnedest things.

Anyway, before they leave their home town, Logan wants to say goodbye to his girlfriend, Norma-Jean. He goes to see her and she's all "I already know what you're going to say, Logie" and Logie's confused, because how could she know?? It's not like she can read his mind. She tells him to just leave, and that she never wants to see him again, and she never will, ever. Then after Logan walks away, Norma-Jean's brother comes up to her and he's like "hey I just figured out how to make people travel a hundred years into the future" so he zaps Norma-Jean and she teleports to the future and changes her name to Jean Grey. The Origin of Jean Grey has been revealed.

Logan meets up with his brother Sabie again, and Sabie's like "I'm glad she's gone, bro. We'll never see her again! You'll especially never see her again." and Logan says he already forgot her name. Then they start walking out of town and Logan accidentally steps on a toad. He's like "Goddamn I hate toads." Then he kicks it away. The toad watches them leave, and then there's a time-lapse or something that shows how the toad mutated over a hundred years until he eventually became the evil mutant known as Toad. The Origin of Toad has been revealed.

A few years later, Wolverine and Sabertooth are fighting Nazis in Germany. They see some Nazis carrying a kid to a Death Camp, and Wolvie is like "Yo we should help him" and Sabie just says "Fuck that little fuck, he can suck my fucking dick, faggot" So Wolvie goes to rescue the kid by himself. He slices up the Nazis with his claws, and then picks up a Nazi Grenade and throws it at a Nazi Tank. Then he carries the kid to safety in slow-motion while the tank explodes in the background. The kid wakes up and he's like "We have to save the other jews" and Wolvie's like "Okay bub, but this could be dangerous. You're gonna have to wear a helmet." And he picks up a helmet off the ground and puts it on the kid's head. But the helmet is way too big for him and it covers his whole head so he looks like Magneto. Because he is Magneto. Also the kid picks up a tank with his mind and throws it at Hitler. The Origin of Magneto has been revealed.

Wolverine and Lil' Magneto save the Jews and one of them has blue hair. A Nazi comes out of nowhere and tries to shoot the blue-haired kid but Bluey does some gymnastic shit and swings around and kicks the Nazi's head off. Wolverine is like "Damn, kid, that was a pretty beastly move." Then the kid says "Hey don't call me a Beast." The Origin of Beast has been revealed.

Later that night, Wolverine sees some guy crawling on the ground. He's crawling at night. The Origin of Nightcrawler has been revealed.

Wolverine meets back up with Sabretooth and tells him about all the crazy characters he met while fighting Nazis today. Sabie tells Wolvie about all the crazy characters he raped today. Wolvie's like "You so crazy, bub" Then we cut back to the 1980s, in the Japanese Saloon. Sabretooth asks, "Now do you remember, brother?" And Wolverine is like "No." The End. Then, after the credits, Sabretooth morphs into a naked blue chick. Some guy sees her and he's like "Who are you?" And she says "My name is Teek. Miss Teek." The Origin of Mystique has been revealed.

Faster & Furiouser: 5 Fast 5 Furious: The Sandwich Technique

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are now roommates for some reason. One day Walker comes home from working at the FBI and Diesel is on the couch playing Mario Kart 64 with some other dudes, and Walker's like "Yo Vin, did you buy any milk?" but he didn't buy any milk because he was playing video games all day. Walker is like "You're making me furious!" then he goes to buy the milk. After he's gone, Diesel's Mario Kart buddies are like "That guy's a pussy, why do you still live with him?" and Diesel just says "Oh, I have my reasons..." then he fires a turtle shell at the other guy and wins the race. "Looks like I won, Princess," he says (the other guy was using the Princess Peach character), "Now fork it over, bitch." Then the other guy hands Vin Diesel a big bag of delicious heroin. And the bag has a picture of Wario on it.

The next day, Paul Walker is at the FBI Building when his boss is like "Walker, see me in my office!" So Walker goes in there and the boss fires him from the FBI because he says he found heroin in his locker. Walker's like "That ain't my heroin!!" so the boss says he'll have to take a drug test. Walker's like "fine" and takes the specimen cup to go and fill it up, but the boss stops him and says "No. I want you do it here. In front of me. I want to watch you pee in this cup." So he does, and then he gets fired because even though it wasn't his heroin, he smokes weed every day and the drug test revealed that to the boss. Also, the bag of heroin that they found had a picture of Wario on it. So Walker goes home and tells Diesel that he got fired, but then he sees that Vinny Boy also has a bag of Wario Heroin. He's like "what the fuck, did you frame me bro?" and Diesel says that the guy who gave him the heroin must have framed Walker because he beat him at Mario Kart, and he wanted Paul to think Vin was the one who framed him because he is jealous of their love.

Vin & Paul furiously and fastly drive to the heroin dealer's house. When they get there Paul Walker jumps his car onto the roof somehow, and Vin Diesel fires turtle shells at the house. Paul yells down the chimney, "You better get out here fast, because I'm furiouser than ever!!" Suddenly, Heroin Dealer drives his own car out of the second floor of the house and lands on the neighbor's roof. He's like "Fuck you, Paul Walker!" then he drives away, jumping from rooftop-to-rooftop, while Walker gives chase. Vin Diesel is still following them from the road. When they finally run out of rooftops, HD and Walker jump their cars onto the road and HD starts throwing banana peels behind him to try and slip up Vin & Paul. So Paul & Vin have to slow down a little to avoid slipping on all these banana peels, and as they're driving next to each other, Vin says "I think we should use the Sandwich Technique!" Paul understands, so they both count to three and then fire the nitros so they speed up next to HD. Now one of them is driving on either side of the Heroin Dealer, and he's panicking and shit, yelling "What the fuck do you want??" And Vin Diesel is like "We wanna make you fuckin' sandwich, Princess" and then Vin Diesel and Paul Walker each pull out a fucking Uzi and start firing bullets into HD. They shoot the fucking shit out of him.

A few minutes later, they're finally out of bullets so they stop and look in the back of HD's car. They find more bags of Wario Heroin and some files that explain how he planned to frame Paul & Vin for assassinating the president. They're like "whaaaaaat" then suddenly we cut to the White House, where The President is walking outside in his bathrobe to pick up his morning paper. But when he picks it up, someone shoots him in the head!! Then, we pull back to reveal that the sniper who shot him is none other than Michelle Rodriguez, Vin Diesel's allegedly dead girlfriend! She makes a phone call to HD, but because he's dead, VD answers it. MR is like "It's done. Are Diesel and Walker in position?" and Vin's like "Uh... yes?" Somehow they don't recognize each other's voices. Then Michelle's like "Good, then your work is done." and she presses a big red button. HD's car starts beeping, so Vin and Paul jump out of the way in slow motion as it explodes. Paul Walker's like "This all could've been avoided if you bought some milk" and Vin Diesel replies "Suck my dick" Then they laugh and high-five. Meanwhile, Michelle Rodriguez gets into her own car and drives it into the white house. Her car has three turtle shells spinning around it so nobody can do anything to stop her.

Children of Men II: Look Who's Talking

Clive Owen and The World's Youngest Woman have been raising the world's only baby for six months now. They take the baby to a doctor for a checkup and the doc tells them that the baby's hearing is fucked up, and they're like "how could this be??" and then the baby says "Probably because on the day I was born, I had a million guns and explosions going off right next to my tiny ears! Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" only the baby doesn't really say it, we just hear Bruce Willis's voice-over (even though the baby is a girl). So the doctor is like "it's okay, we just need to give her an Ear Transplant" and it turns out the only person in the world whose blood cells are compatible with the baby's is Clive Owen. The next day, they perform the Ear Transplant, so now the baby has one adult-sized ear and Clive Owen has one baby-sized ear. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Great, now I look like a freak" and Clive's like "what the fuck" because now he can hear the baby's Bruce Willis Thoughts.

Clive Owen is like "Holy shit you guys, I can hear Cliveena's thoughts!" (The baby was named after Clive Owen) but nobody believes him. The Doc is like "Please, Clive Owen, I am a scientist and what you're saying is impossible" and then the Bruce Willis VO says "This doctor is a real cocksucker, right Clive?" and Clive's like "haha good one, Cliveena" so now the Doc and WYW just think he's crazy. Later, Clive Owen is buying a sandwich and some guy comes up and says "Well if it isn't Crazy Baby Ear, hear any babies lately?" and Clive Owen punches him in the fucking face because he's a badass. Then he's about to eat the sandwich, but he notices there's a note inside. It says "Meet me behind the sandwich store". So he goes behind the sandwich store and finds Cliveena, who crawled there somehow. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Thanks for meeting me here, Clive" and Clive's like "Dude, you're the only baby in the world, you can't be crawling around behind sandwich stores. It's too dangerous. Just a minute ago I had to punch someone in the fucking face." Then the police show up and they of course think that Clive Owen kidnapped the baby, so they arrest him. The last thing he hears as he's being taken away is the Bruce Willis VO saying "Don't worry, Clive Owen, I'll bust you outta the joint!"

So now Clive Owen is in prison, but Cliveena manages to break in through the air ducts. While she's crawling through the ducts she's holding a lighter in one hand like in Die Hard. Meanwhile, WYW realizes her baby is gone, so she goes to Clive Owen and asks what he did with her. He's like "I've been in prison the whole time, I didn't do shit." Then the baby kicks open the air duct grating in Clive's cell and Bruce Willis VO is like "Come with me if you want to live" but WYW can't hear that so she's like "Holy shit you hid my baby in the air ducts? You really are crazy!" So then the police transfer Clive Owen to the psychiatric ward of the prison. Now he's sharing a cell with the famous supervillian, "Scarf-Face". He's a guy with a scarf wrapped around his face. Clive is like "Hello, Scarface" and Scarf-Face is like "I'm not Scarface, I'm Scarf-Face!!" and this comedic routine goes on for several minutes.

Eventually Clive Owen explains to Scarf-Face what happened. He's like "I know it sounds crazy, but I could really hear that baby's thoughts. And she sounded just like Bruce Willis, star of such films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser." Scarf-Face is like "It doesn't sound crazy to me..." And he removes the scarf from his face to reveal that he too has a baby-ear. He explains "That is the origin of how I became Scarf-Face. To block out the sound of Bruce Willis's voice-over. And now, Clive Owen, I pass the torch to you. You are the new Scarf-Face." He hands the face-scarf to Clive, but he's like "Dude I'm not wearing this until after I wash it." So he washes it in the prison laundry room and then puts it on. The former Scarf-Face, now face-scarfless, is like "Finally, I can now die a peaceful death..." But it's not like he's sick or anything, so he doesn't actually die. He just stands there awkwardly until Clive Owen's like "are you going to die or what", and Scarfless-Face just silently backs out of the room. Clive Owen never sees him again. Later, the World's Youngest Woman brings Cliveena to see Clive in prison. WYW asks "Why are you wearing a scarf on your face?" and he tells her, "I am Scarf-Face!" Cliveena's Bruce Willis VO is like "I just wanted someone to talk to. Why won't you talk to me, Clive Owen?" But Clive can't hear her... Not anymore. Because he is Scarf-Face.

Valkyrie II: Tears of a Führer

After Tom Cruise's plan failed (spoiler alert), ol' one-eye-one-hand himself was executed for committing treason. Two Nazis named Bill & Ted are carrying the recently shot Tom Cruise away to throw him in a mass grave. But before they throw him in, Bill is like "I'm gonna steal this guy's eye patch as a souvenir. Plus I think I'd look cool with an eye patch." Ted's like "Whatever dude, just hurry up, we're gonna be late for the Pizza Party" and he skips away. Bill takes off Tom's eye patch and is surprised to find a note in Tom's eye-hole. He takes it out and unfolds it... it says "If you are reading this, it means I am dead and you stole my eye patch. Check inside my butt for further instructions LOL" After making sure that nobody can see him, Bill checks inside Tom Cruise's anus and finds an audio tape. He wipes it off with his Nazi Cloth and then puts the tape in his Walkman and starts listening.

"Oh, hello! Didn't see you come in. My name is Colonel Thomas Von Cruisenburg, and what you're listening to right now is my Secret Butthole Tape. You're probably thinking I really fucked things up by getting executed, but trust me, it's all going according to plan. And if you want to save Hitler, you're going to have to do exactly as I say... further instructions can be found in my dick-hole." Bill starts looking in TC's dick-hole, and a few seconds later the tape continues: "Ha ha, there's nothing in my dick-hole. April Fools! Anyway, whoever you are, I need you to go to 123 Berlin Street. If you don't get there in 10 minutes, your beloved Adolf Hitler will die!" Bill is like, "Nein! Mein Liebshen!" and runs off to Berlin St. Then Ted finally comes back to see what's taking so long, and sees Tom Cruise lying on the ground with his pants off, and he's like "what the fuck"

Bill gets to the warehouse on Berlin St. just in the nick of time, and finds Hitler strapped to a table, with a giant axe hanging from the ceiling above him, swinging back-and-forth. Hitler also has a bunch of tubes attached to him that are hooked up to a giant vat of delicious barbeque sauce. Bill plays the tape again (he paused it after the previous instruction) to find out what he's supposed to do: "Well, I guess you made it to the warehouse. Well done, you're better than I expected. Now, if you want to free Adolf, you just need to find the key. And that key can be found... inside Hitler's dick-hole." Bill quickly unzips Hitler's pants to start looking, and the tape continues: "Ha ha, I can't believe you fell for that again! I guess you just love dick-holes or something." Bill looks at Hitler and says "I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I do not love dick-holes."

The Butthole Tape continues: "Okay homo, here's what you really have to do: Inside that giant vat of barbeque sauce, there's an unconscious guy with an oxygen tank (so he can breathe in there) who has the key to Hitler's chains. But you have to KILL HIM to get the key. Alternatively, you can save the unconscious guy, but if you do that then Hitler's veins will be filled with the delicious barbeque sauce and then he'll be cut in half by the giant axe and his blood will be mixed with the barbeque sauce. So WHICH ONE WILL YOU SAVE?" Bill is like "Duh, I'm gonna kill the guy in the sauce so I can save Hitler. Why would I give a fuck about the other guy?" so that's what he does. After he's free, Hitler is like "Thank you for saving me. If there's anything I can do to repay you..." and Bill says "It was an honor, my Nazi Friend. Just getting to shake your hand is all the repayment I need." So he shakes Hitler's hand, but shockingly, Hitler's hand comes off! It was a prosthetic hand! Then he takes off his mustache and wig, and it's not even Hitler! It's Tom Fucking Cruise!

Suddenly, we flash back to earlier, when Bill's Nazi Friend Ted is going to inspect Tom Cruise's half-naked corpse. But when he goes to inspect the corpse, Tom Cruise suddenly grabs him with his three-fingered hand and snaps his neck! Because he was wearing a bullet-proof vest the whole time, he was never dead! Then he puts on a fake mustache and hand, and takes a shortcut to the Berlin St. warehouse. It turns out that the guy in the BBQ sauce tank, who Bill killed, was the REAL Hitler. Bill is like "Neeeeeein!!" and Tom Cruise just smiles and pours some delicious barbeque sauce into a glass and drinks it. It tastes more delicious than ever, thanks to the secret ingredient: Hitler's tears.