Iron Man 3: Weekend at Tony's

Iron Man (A.K.A. Tony Stark) returns home to his mansion after a long night of drinking and banging whores in space. He flies inside and turns on the lights to see that the whole gang is there - Pepper Potts, Jon Favreau, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Fury... even Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men. So Iron Man/Tony Stark is like "Hey guys what's up" and they tell him that this is an intervention, they're here to convince him to go to rehab. Tony's like "Fuck you guys, I don't have a problem" and he shoots a hole in the wall with an energy pulse or whatever the fuck he fires out of his hands. Pepper Potts is like "Look at yourself, Tony, you're disgusting. You haven't taken off that Iron Man suit in over six months." Tony picks up a bottle of Jack Daniels, smashes it over his own head and yells "I AM IRON MAN." Professor Xavier of the X-Men speaks up, "Listen, Tony... I know what you're going through. If it weren't for the joys of crack-cocaine, I never would have ended up in a wheelchair. But my super-friends convinced me to get help, and now I haven't touched the stuff since 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: A younger Professor Xavier and Samuel L. Fury are speeding through the city in a Delorean. Xavier is using his mutant abilities to make the cocaine float up into his nose, so he doesn't have to take this eyes off the road. Samuel L. Fury, who has two eyes, is like "Hey motherfucker, we can't all use telekinesis, pass me some a that shit bro" so Xavier takes his eyes off the road for a second to pass him some of that shit, when suddenly some kid on a bike rides in front of the car. Xavier slams on the breaks, but it's too late... Xavier runs the bike kid over, then flies through the windshield. Fury was wearing his seat belt, but the force of the impact was so strong that his eyeball flies out of its socket. Back in the present, Fury is now wearing an eye patch and he's like "and that's why Xavier and I have been sober for 25 years, and why we decided to dedicate our lives to fighting crime or something. I just wish we could go back and save that kid somehow... We never even found out what happened to him..." "Oh, I know what happened to him..." says Tony Stark, mysteriously...

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Tony Stark is riding his bike through the city. The bike is made if iron, this is some clever foreshadowing of Tony's destiny. He receives a phone call from his dad, Howard Stark, on his giant 1985 cell phone. Howard is like "Hello son, meet me at the Iron Factory. I have something important to tell you..." Teenage Tony is all "Okay, dad!" but the second he hangs up the phone, he is run over by the infamous Fury & Xavier in their Delorean. Back in the present, Tony tells everyone, "Because of that accident I never found out what my dad, Howard Stark, was going to tell me. He died under mysterious circumstances later that night. I had to grow a goatee to cover up my facial scars. And worst of all, while recovering in the hospital, I became addicted to morphine. This is all your fault, you old fucks!" Tony raises his iron fists of fury to destroy Fury & Xavier, but his loyal assistant Pepper Potts stops him. She's like "It's not all their fault Tony. There's something else you should know about the events of 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Pepper Potts is carrying a huge vat of oil across the street to her dad's garage. Her dad, Howard "Potsie" Potts, yells out to her, "Hey Pepper, be careful with that oil!" But then she trips and spills the oil all over the road. Potsie is like "You better clean that up, I have to meet Howard Stark at the Iron Factory, he has something important to tell me..." Pepper is all "Okay, dad!" but when she goes to get a mop, Xavier & Fury's Delorean drives over the oil slick and hits Teenage Tony on his bike. Xavier crashes through the windshield, and Fury gets out yelling "Where's my mothafuckin' eye?!?" but his eye is stuck in the oil on the road so he can't pick it up. Teenage Tony looks up from the ground at Teenage Pepper, and he's all "Help me... please..." Back in the present, Pepper finishes telling her story, "So that's why I became your assistant, Tony... To try and make up for what I did in 1985." Tony says nothing, so Pepper is like "Dammit, Tony, say something!" and she slaps him in his iron face of fury. Tony (who is still in the Iron Man suit) just falls over. Professor X uses his mind powers and deduces that Tony has suffered a stroke and fallen into a coma. The Iron Man suit is now the only thing that is keeping him alive.

Suddenly, Samuel L. Fury receives a phone call. The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. is coming over for a surprise inspection, and he demands to speak with Tony Stark! How is the gang gonna get outta this one?! Don Cheadle, who hasn't said anything until now, has an idea: "Hey Pepper, you went to Ventriloquist College, right?" "Well, yes," replies Pepper, curiously, "but what does that have to do with anything?" Cheadle explains, "All we have to do is sit Iron Man down in a chair and have you do his voice. You know Tony better than anyone, you must have perfected your Tony Stark impression by now. Go on, give it a shot!" So Pepper uses her powers of ventriloquism to make it seem like Tony is talking: "Hey everybody, my name is Tony and I'm a smug douche with a gay beard! Durrrrr!" Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony just had stroke and he's in a coma and can't hear them making fun of him.

Ten minutes later, the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives at the mansion and rings the doorbell. The gang has just finished setting everything up - Tony is in the Iron Man suit, sitting at the dinner table, Pepper is sitting next to him ready to do his voice, and Professor Xavier is up in the ceiling with a string tied to Tony's arm so he can make it look like his arm is moving. Pepper is about to let the President inside, but before she does, Fury warns her: "The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. wears a mask to conceal his identity. Whatever you do, do not ask him to reveal his secret identity..." After this bizarre warning, she lets the President inside and introduces him to Tony. Everything appears to be going according to plan... At one point the President is like, "Hey Mr. Stark, why don't you remove that iron mask and show me your pretty face" but Pepper-as-Tony just responds with "Hey, why don't you remove your mask!" And the President is like "Hah, I like this kid's moxy!" Pepper gives the thumbs up and winks at Fury because this ruse is going so well, but he only has one eye so he interprets the wink as some kind of weird insult.

The plan went off without a hitch, and now the President is leaving. He thanks Tony for his hospitality, and starts walking towards the door, but Pepper can't help herself. She has to ask him why we wears that stupid mask. Fury furiously shakes his fist of fury and says "Dammit, Potts, I told you not to mention that!" But the President is like, "It's okay, I suppose I can reveal my true identity to you, Pepper. I am, after all... your long-lost father." He takes off the mask to reveal that he is indeed Potsie Potts, whom Pepper hasn't seen since the events of 1985. Flashback to 1985: Potsie Potts arrives at Howard Stark's Iron Factory, to hear what Howard has to tell him that is apparently so important. Howard is like "I thought your daughter, Pepper, was coming" but Potsie explains that she had to clean up an oil slick. Tony also hasn't shown up, since (unbeknownst to Potsie & Howie) he was hit by a car, so Howard decides to tell him about his shocking discovery...

Howard shows Potsie some DNA tests which reveal that Tony is actually Potsie's son, and Pepper's half-brother. Potsie is shocked - "How is this possible???" "It's elementary, my dear Potsie," explains Howard, "because you fucked my wife." "Oh yeah," says Potsie. "Sorry about that broseph." Howard is okay with it, "Don't worry, buddy, I fucked your wife too." "You WHAT?" Potsie picks up a candlestick and beats Howard to death with it. Back in the present, Howard finishes explaining his half-true story. "So then Howard had a heart attack and died, it was pretty crazy you guys. And it was then that I decided to dedicate my life to becoming the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. It was the only way I could protect my two kids, who I love more than anything in the world." Pepper is disgusted, "Dad, you could've had told me about this 25 years ago... I've fucked my brother like a hundred times since then." "Yeah," says Potsie, lighting up a fat joint, "I sure am a sick fuck." Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony Stark had another stroke while all this was going on and now he's dead.

Up 2: Up Harder

Old Man is at his weekly Canasta game with some other old people, when an unexpected telegram arrives for him. He never gets any mail except from Fat Kid, and Fat Kid always uses a special envelope so Old Man knows it's not from him. Old Man puts on rubber gloves to open it, and carefully removes the letter from the envelope. Just as he suspected, it is a ransom note from a terrorist. Fat Kid has been Fat Kidnapped. The note says to fly 10,000 rubies to the top of the Eiffel Tower, or else they're going to throw Fat Kid to his death. These terrorists aren't fucking around. Old Man is so shocked by this terrorism that he has a heart attack. One Week Later... Old Man wakes up in the hospital. Some detectives are standing around him. They need to ask him a few questions, because Fat Kid has been missing for a week. Old Man is at the top of their list of suspects. Old Man is like "How could I have done anything, I've been in a coma for a week" and the police are like "Oh yeah. Never mind." And then they leave, embarrassed that they wasted a week waiting for this old guy to wake up.

After the police leave, Old Man remembers the ransom note from earlier. He realizes that there's no time to tell the police - he needs to get the top of the Eiffel Tower as soon as ASAP. He finds a scalpel and starts cutting into his leg. After he cuts it open we see that he has an emergency supply of balloons in there. He blows up all the balloons and ties them to the hospital, which then floats UP into the air and begins traveling to Paris. Hundreds of people die in the hospital but nobody can stop Old Man because he locked the door to his room. Later, in Paris, Old Man makes it to the Eiffel Tower and tries to land the hospital on top of it, but the tower is pointy so it cuts the building in half, killing everyone inside except for Old Man because he jumps out at the last second and lands on a platform at the top of the tower.

Old Man starts running around the tower, searching for Fat Kid and/or the terrorists. A French mime blocks Old Man's path and starts pulling an invisible rope, but Old Man doesn't have time for this bullshit so he beats the mime to death with his cane. But then he realizes that the mime was just trying to warn him, because there is a terrorist holding a rope standing right next to him, and he ties up Old Man and drags him into a trap door and then to a secret room inside the Eiffel Tower. Fat Kid is in there too, he's tied up with a bunch of terrorists standing around. The leader of the terrorists is like, "Thank you for coming, my old friend..." and he pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Doug the dog from the first movie. Old Man is like "Why did you do it, Doug? I thought you were cool." Doug is like "Shut up-a your face", when suddenly Fat Kid manages to eat through the duct tape covering his mouth. Fat Kid's giant tongue reaches out of his mouth, all the way across the room and licks the back of Doug's head. Some sparks fly out of Doug, and he falls to the floor in pain. A small computer chip falls off head, and Old Man realizes that this is what was controlling Doug the whole time. Fat Kid is like, "See, he's still cool. Good thing I short-circuited the chip with my giant tongue."

Later, Old Man and Fat Kid have escaped. They tied some balloons to the dead mime and are riding his corpse back home. Doug decided to stay in Paris, he couldn't face Old Man and Fat Kid after all the evil deeds he was forced to commit. Fat Kid is like "Thanks for saving me, Old Man, it ended up being easier than I expected!" Old Man replies, "Yes... a little TOO easy." Old Man turns up his hearing aid to the highest possible setting, and hears a ticking sound coming from inside Fat Kid's stomach. He then turns his glasses up to the highest X-Ray setting and sees that Fat Kid has a ticking time bomb inside him, and there's only five minutes left until it explodes. Old Man is faced with a difficult choice: Stay with Fat Kid and support him until he explodes, killing them both, or push Fat Kid off the floating mime so that Old Man can live to die another day. Fat Kid is like "Hey Mr. Old Man, I bought you this friendship bracelet while I was in France!" As soon as Fat Kid gives him the bracelet, Old Man pushes him off the floating mime to his death.

As Fat Kid falls through the air, and Old Man floats away on a French performance artist whom he earlier murdered, they each look back on their lives, thinking about any regrets they may have. Old Man flashes back to when he was a young Old Man, in Bomb Squad Academy. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Old Man! If you don't learn to defuse this bomb, then someday somebody you care about is going to explode! Is that what you want?" Meanwhile, Fat Kid flashes back to his time in Fat Camp. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Fat Kid! If you don't stop eating, then someday you're gonna eat something that's going to end your fat life! Something like a French time bomb, for example! Is that what you want? You want to eat a time bomb?" Fat Kid keeps falling, understanding that this is all his fault. Old Man keeps floating away, understanding that this is all Fat Kid's fault. Meanwhile, in Paris, Doug the dog can't live with the guilt of everything he's done. He puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Old Man returns to his retirement home and continues his Canasta game.

Avatar 2: Jake and the Giant Shark

Jake Sully and Neteryi are swimming in a river of Unobtanium. Jake is like "It's pretty cool how we preserved this river and brought peace to the planet of Pandora exactly one year ago, am I right?" Suddenly, Natyri gets shot in the neck with a poison dart, and Jake can't see where it came from so he grabs her and swims underwater where he attaches his hair tentacles to a fish so it helps him and Neteri swim away and they hide in a cave. Jake creates an antidote for the poison dart by combining Unobtanium minerals with fish feces, and saves Netyri from the posion. She's like "What the fuck", then she holds up the poison dart and discovers the words "Made in the U.S.A." printed on it. But she can't read English, so she asks Jake what is says and he lies and tells her it says "Made in Pandora". They bring the evidence back to the President of Pandora and deduce that there must be a traitor in their mist. Jake is like "Hey man there ain't no traitor in MY fist" and the President says "I said 'mist', not 'fist', clean the Unobtanium out of your pointy fucking ears" So Jake says "Okay I will" and he goes to the Presidential Bathroom to find some cue-tips or queue-tips or however it's spelled. But when he opens the medicine cabinet, all he discovers is a box of poison darts. Then he flashes back to earlier, and realizes that he saw the president shooting the dart into Netyri's neck.

Jake runs back to the President's office and kicks him out of the window with a spinning roundhouse kick. He falls 20 storey's down and is impaled on the horn of one of those fucked up animals. Jake shows Natiri the evidence that proves the Pandorian President was a traitor. She's like "what the fuck", and looks down at what he thinks are poison darts, but are in fact just a box of those ear-cleaning cotton bud things. That's when they realize that Jake swallowed too much Unobtanium earlier and now he's hallucinating. The Na'vi police come in to arrest him, but he's like "suck my dick" and he dives out the window and lands on that flying dragon thing and they fly away. The Chief of Pandora Police tells Netyri that it's up to her, she's the only one who can catch him now. So she dives out the window and lands on a flying seahorse and starts pursuing Jake through the Pandorian skies.

Eventually Netyri catches up to Jake when he stops for gas. She's like "what the fuck man" but he's still hallucinating like a motherfucker so he throws a boomerang at her and runs away up the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls. Netyri dodges the boomerang in Bullet Time but hesitates before continuing to pursue Jake Sully, because the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls is goddamn forbidden. But then she follows him anyway because what else is she going to do. She sees Jake swimming up a waterfall and lassos him with a tree vine. Jake pulls out his trusty pocket knife and cuts the vine off. But in his drug-addled state, he forgot that all the tree vines in Pandora are alive. The vine that he just sliced in half starts bleeding all over the place and crying for its mommy before it dies in Jake's hands. That tree vine was just one week away from retirement. Jake sees that there's no turning back now, and continues up the mountain. Netyri stops to have a funeral for the tree vine which takes like two hours so by the time she's done, Jake has gotten away.

Later, on the top of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, Jake Sully is trying to start a camp fire. But it's hard because there's so much water on the Mountain of Waterfalls. Also the water is alive and it starts talking to him. The talking waterfall tells Jake that there's a giant shark living up here in the Forbidden Mountain, and by coming up here, he has angered the shark. Now the shark is going to eat all of the Na'vi. So Jake is like "Dear Lord, what have I done?" and he takes a teleportation leaf out of his pocket and uses it to teleport back to Na'vi City. He tells the Mayor that somebody has angered The Giant Shark of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, and now it wants revenge. Everybody suddenly forgets that Jake killed the President earlier, and start panicking about how they're going to catch this shark. Suddenly, somebody scratches his fingernails across a blackboard. It's the evil Colonel who fought Jake a year ago. The Colonel is like "Y'all know me. Y'know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this fish for you, but it ain't gonna be easy." So the Colonel reveals his plan: He has created an Avatar of a shark that Jake Sully can use. Jake will pretend to be a shark, and convince the other shark not to attack the Na'village.

Jake becomes a shark, and just when the Giant Shark of Waterfall Mountain is about to attack the innocent Na'vi people, Jake is like "Hello, sir, my name is Jake. Jake Sharky. Please stop this senseless violence." Giant Shark is like "What do you mean 'sir'? Clearly I'm a beautiful woman." But to Jake the Shark, all sharks look alike. Jake realizes his racism, and apologizes to Giant Shark. Then they have shark sex under the stars, just when Netyri is returning to town. She sees the two sharks fucking and is like "That is some hot shark sex", not realizing that one of the sharks is her husband. After the sharks finish up, Giant Shark returns to her mountain, promising to leave the Na'vi in peace. She just needed to get laid. Jake tells her he'll call her when he gets home, but he doesn't. Nine months later, Giant Shark has a baby. It's half-shark, half-Na'vi, and half-human. She eats it immediately after giving birth.

Star Trek 2: The Legend of Sulu's Gold

The Enterprise crew is hanging out one night, play poker. Sulu is winning everybody's Space Credits, and they're all getting pissed off because they didn't expect Sulu to be so good at poker. After several hours of losing, Spock is like "This is illogical, Sulu must be cheating. He is a total cheater." The room goes silent, and Sulu immediately flips over the table and pulls out his gun. "Did you just call me... a cheetah?" Spock doesn't get why Sulu is making such a big deal about this until Kirk whispers to him, "Dude, don't you know that Sulu's whole family was killed by cheetahs?" Spock explains that he actually called him a cheater and not a cheetah, because clearly Sulu is human and not feline, but it's too late because Sulu has already run out of the room crying. Everyone is like "Smooth move, Vulcan" and they tell him to go apologize to Sulu. Spock is like "Fine, I'll go apologize right after I finish this delicious Klingon Juice." Uhura whispers to Spock, "You said you were going to stop drinking so much" and Spock totally snaps at her, "You said you were going to shut the fuck up and suck my dick" which makes things pretty awkward for everyone else in the room. Scotty is so uncomfortable that he beams himself out into space and dies.

Later, Spock drunkenly shows up at Sulu's quarters to apologize. Sulu doesn't open the door when he knocks, so Spock tries to kick it open, but since they're on a spaceship with electronic doors that slide open it doesn't work, even when he uses a Flying Vulcan Kick. So then Spock just smashes open the control panel and hacks into the door controls and forces it to open up. He is about to apologize to Sulu, but before he can an animal claw scratches him across his face. And not just any animal claw, the claw of a cheetah. And the cheetah is wearing Sulu's uniform. Spock is like "Oh my god, you ARE a cheetah!" and the cheetah knocks Spock down and runs away. Spock hits his head on Sulu's statue of Buddha and gets knocked out. The next morning, Spock wakes up in the medical bay and he's all "Sulu is literally a cheetah, he attacked me with his claws last night!" Nobody believes him, especially Bones who is like "I refuse to give medical treatment to this lying motherfucker." Sulu comes into the room and shows Spock an X-Ray that proves he isn't a cheetah. Then Kirk is like "See, old friend? That's why Vulcans shouldn't drink. You lightweight pussy douche." And they all laugh except Spock, as the camera slowly zooms in on Kirk's eye to reveal that he has the eye of the cheetah, the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival.

That night, the crew are playing poker again. Someone asks where Uhura is, and Spock explains, "She said she didn't want to be around me when I drink Klingon Juice. Chicks, right?" Meanwhile, Kirk is winning everyone's money tonight, which Spock finds highly suspicious. He logically deduces that the cheetah must have transferred from Sulu's body into Kirk's body. He shares this theory with the others and they're all "Okay, whatever Drunky, go back to Drunktown." Spock says he'll prove that Kirk is really a cheetah, and all of sudden he grabs Kirk and starts making out with him. Everyone in the room is like "what the fuuuuck" and Chekov beams himself into space to escape the awkwardness. He was already wearing a spacesuit, so he survives, unlike Scotty whose frozen corpse floats right past Chekov. Back at the poker table, Spock and Kirk finally stop making out and Spock yells, "See? That proves he's a goddamn cheetah! Look at him!" But Kirk just looks normal, and he throws his cards down on the table. He wins again, this time with two pairs, and Bones is like "Yeah, two pairs of Vulcan balls in your mouth" Then everyone laughs except for Spock who realizes that the joke is highly illogical since Vulcans only have three testicles.

After the homoerotic space poker tournament, Spock goes to Uhura's room to try and prove that he isn't gay for Kirk. But Uhura isn't there. It's the cheetah, back for revenge. The cheetah shoots a laser net out of its eyes, which traps Spock so he can't escape. Spock is all "Dammit, who ARE you?" and the cheetah finally explains... He is Cheetro, the shape-shifting cheetah from planet Cheeton, and he has come aboard the Starship Enterprise to beat everyone at poker and start a new race of Cheetah/Vulcan hybrids. They will be called Cheecans. "You'll never get away with this, Cheetro!" yells Spock, but Cheetro isn't worried. "Please, Mr. Spock. I'm not a Science Fiction villian. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I stole your semen 35 minutes ago." Spock is shocked: "So that was YOU jerking me off under the poker table! Damn you, Cheetro!"

"Anyways," says Cheetro, "Now that I've explained all that I just have to KILL YOU. Mwa ha ha ha!" Suddenly, Chekov crashes through the window on the back of Scotty's frozen corpse. Cheetro gets sucked into space but Spock is protected by the laser net. As Cheetro floats away he's like "Nooooo! Hoisted by my own petard!" Later that night, the Enterprise gang are all playing poker again, including Scotty, who Bones manged to resuscitate, but he still has severe brain damage from being in the vacuum of space for so long. Chekov keeps winning hand after hand, and Spock is once again suspicious, and is about to accuse Checkov of being a cheetah. But then he notices that he's actually reading a book called "How to Cheat at Poker, Vegas-Style." And Chekov pronounces it "Wegas-style". Everybody laughs at this, including Spock, because he is drunker than any Vulcan in the history of the universe. He has a serious drinking problem.

Frost/Nixon 2: Deep Freeze

We open in Frost's Lair, where the famous Mr. Frost sits on his gigantic Ice Throne, stroking his kitty, Princess Popsicle. A man with a bag over his head is dragged into the room by some of Frost's minions, then they pull the bag off to reveal that the man is Richard M. Nixon. Nixon is all beat up and is missing an arm for some reason. Frost is like "Hammer time!" then picks up an Ice Hammer and smashes it in Nixon's face. He's like "You thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you, Nixy-Boy?" Nixon doesn't say anything, he just spits blood at Frost. One of the minions breaks a stalagmite off the floor and holds it to Nixon's throat. "You want me to kill him now, boss?", he asks, but Frost calls him off. "No, this one's mine," says Frost, "I should've done this a long time ago..." He picks up his Radioactive Ice Gun and points it at Nixon. "Any last words, Chief?" he says, while loading a power crystal into the magnetic particle chamber. Nixon finally speaks: "Yeah, Frosty... I'll see you in Hell." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he aims the gun at Nixon's face and pulls the trigger.

48 HOURS EARLIER. Frost/Nixon are on Nixon's private yacht, sipping martinis and doing cocaine. Nixon is like "I'm sure glad we became friends after that interview a few years ago, Frosty" and Frost agrees, "Yeah me too, Dick, you sure know how to party!" Nixon puts down the cocaine bowl for a second and gets real: "Let's agree, that no matter what happens, we'll remain best BFF's forever." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he removes a switchblade from his pocket. Nixon's bodyguards are like "What the fuck" but Nixon tells them to stand down, because he trusts him. Frost cuts open his pinky finger and then does the same to Nixon. Then they suck each other's pinkys. The bodyguards are creeped out, because it's pretty weird. Frost is like "We are now Blood Brothers" and then they continue doing cocaine while some strippers come out and blow them.

Later that night, Frost/Nixon are still out at sea getting fucked up. Nixon's assistant (Kevin Bacon) comes over and he's like "It's time to go back, sir" and Nixon reluctantly agrees, "Okay, party pooper, let's turn this cocksucker around." Kevin Bacon turns the boat around and crashes right into a giant fucking iceberg, and the boat starts getting sucked into a whirlpool or something. Also a storm just started so it's really dramatic with lightning and shit. Kevin Bacon's like "Come on Mr. President, we have to get to the life boat!" But Nixon won't go because he's hanging on to Frost who has fallen over the edge of the boat and is getting sucked into the mystical iceberg whirlpool. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he yells "You have to let me go, old friend, save yourself!" and Nixon's like "No! Never! We are Blood Brothers!" Then out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon cuts off Nixon's arm with a chainsaw, forcing him to let go of Frost, who falls to his supposed death under the sea. Nixon is like "NOOOOOOOOO" but Kevin Bacon says he did it for his own good. After crying for a minute, Nixon says he understands. Then he pulls out Frost's switchblade and stabs Kevin Bacon in the neck. He throws Bacon into the sea and then gets into the life boat and drives away from this clusterfuck by himself, leaving all the bodyguards and strippers behind.

Frost wakes up under the sea, in a mystical ice cave, surprised to find out that he's alive. Kevin Bacon is there too, but he's bleeding all over the place. Frost notices that he has been stabbed in the neck with the switchblade that he (Frost) gave to his Blood Brother (Nixon) earlier. He's like "Why would my Blood Brother do this to you?" And then Kevin Bacon reveals the shocking truth... this whole thing was part of Nixon's plan to kill Frost. But Kevin Bacon being killed wasn't part of the plan, so that's why he's like "fuck Nixon" now. Then Kevin Bacon dies. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he holds Kevin Bacon in his arms. "I can't believe my Blood Brother would betray me like this. I will avenge your death, Kevin Bacon... Mark my words, Mr. Frost will have his revenge."

Now we're back in the first scene, after Frost has captured Nixon and had his minions drag him into the Ice Cave. He holds up the Ice Cannon and pulls the trigger. But then it is revealed that he didn't shoot Nixon at all, he actually shot all of his minions. It only took one shot to kill all of them because this Ice Gun uses special power crystals from the planet Jupiter. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he tosses the gun aside. Nixon is like "Why didn't you kill me, Frosty?" Frost sits down in his Ice Throne and sighs, "I can't do it, old chum... You're my Blood Brother." Suddenly, Kevin Bacon crawls out from behind the throne, covered in blood. Turns out he actually didn't die yet. He points a gun at Nixon and says, "I ain't nobody's fuckin' Blood Brother" then he fires at the former President. Frost is like "Nooooooooooooo" and jumps in front of Nixon in slow motion, taking the bullet for him. Kevin Bacon's like "Dammit" because he only had one bullet. Then Kevin Bacon dies.

A single tear rolls down Nixon's cheek as he cradles Frost in his arm (because he only has one, remember). "It's all gonna be okay, Frosty," cries Nixon, "It's all going to be okay..." but the bullet hit Frost right in the fucking brain, so he's already dead. "I'll never forget you, Blood Brother..." Nixon sucks on Frost's pinky one last time. Suddenly, one of Frost's Ice Minions walks into the cave, all "Sorry I'm late" and sees that every other minion is dead, and one-armed Former President Richard Nixon is kneeling on the floor with dead David Frost's pinky finger in his mouth, crying like a baby. The minion is like, "This is too fucked up" and just shoots himself in the face. ONE WEEK LATER... Nixon returns home to his golden mansion. He goes over the fireplace and looks at a photo of him and Frost doing cocaine and fucking strippers, and smiles, remembering the good times. Then, out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon walks in from another room with bags on his feet like Mark Whalberg in The Departed. He shoots Nixon in the head and his body falls into the fireplace. Kevin Bacon lights him on fire, then he sits down in Nixon's chair and dies.

Phone Booth II: Call WEIGHTing

Colin Farrell is riding to his house on a motor scooter, carrying several boxes of jelly donuts. He has gotten really fat since the events of Phone Booth I, and now he only leaves the house to get food. He drives past an alley and hears a woman screaming for help. Hesitantly, Colin stops his scooter and peeks around the corner, and witnesses a gang member about to rape the woman. Colin throws a donut at the rapist and then Rapey gets scared and runs away. But he's already stabbed the woman in the arm so she needs medical assistance. Colin takes out his mobile phone to call 911, but he can't get a signal in that area. But there is a phone booth right next to the alley. Colin could either use that phone booth, or let the innocent woman die. Colin starts crying, "Sorry, lady, I can't do it" and speeds away. Cut to later, Colin is sitting on his bed naked, eating donut after donut, and watching the news. That woman in the alley died, and now police are on the lookout for a fat donut-eating fuck on a scooter, who was witnessed crying and eating donuts at the scene.

Fat Colin Farrell rides his scooter down the police station to turn himself in, and he is arrested and sent to prison. The prison guard is like "Okay, tubby, here's your cellmate... this guy's a real sick fuck, just like you." and the cellmate turns around to reveal that he is Kiefer Sutherland, the infamous Phone Booth Killer. Kiefer's like "I call top bunk" and Colin starts screaming. Kiefer calms him down, explaining that his Phone Booth Killing days are over, and that he confessed his crimes so that he could turn over a new leaf. Then he gives Colin a donut. Later that night, Colin wakes up and sees Kiefer digging a hole in the wall with a spoon. During the day, the hole is covered by a poster of Zac Efron. Colin's like "What the fuck are you doing, Keefs" and Kiefer quickly puts his hand over Colin's mouth and holds the spoon to his throat. "I'm escaping, lardo. I've been planning this for months, and you're the final part of the plan..." Colin doesn't understand, and Kiefer's like "Remember that donut you ate earlier?" We see a flashback to when he gave him the donut, and a close-up reveals that it's not really a donut at all, it's a piece of the prison cell wall, covered in sprinkles. Kiefer is going to escape by digging away the wall and feeding the pieces to Colin Farrel so the guards won't suspect a thing.

The next day in the lunch line, some guy tries to shiv Colin Farrell because his morbid obesity offends him. But Kiefer defends Colin by blocking the dude's shiv with a lunch tray and then decapitating him. Then he takes that dude's lunch and gives it to Colin, so now Colin has two lunches. Colin is like "Thanks, man." "No problem, pal," says Kiefer, "Just make sure you save room for that cement wall I'm digging out later tonight." The Prison Snitch overhears this, and runs to tell the Warden. The Warden is like "That's fucking stupid" and puts the snitch in The Hole for lying. Later that night, Kiefer Sutherland is romantically feeding Colin Farrell pieces of the cell wall. Then they hear a guard coming, so Kiefer's like "Quick, pretend we're making out" so they start making out and the guard sees them and is like "Yep, nothing suspicious going on here." After the guard leaves, Kiefer's like "Your breath tastes like cement, you disgusting fat piece of shit."

The following morning, Kiefer and Colin wake up after a night of hot, steamy lovemaking. Colin is lying on top of Kiefer and he's like "I see now why they call you the Phone Booth Killer. And by 'Phone' I mean 'Fat' and by 'Booth' I mean 'Cock' and by 'Killer' I mean 'Sucker'." Kiefer doesn't respond. Colin continues talking, "Anyways, I'm almost done eating that wall, so tonight we escape, buddy." Kiefer still says nothing, and that's when Colin realizes that he tragically crushed him to death under his fat, cement-filled body. Colin's like "Noooooooooo" and crawls into the hole in the wall and eats the rest of the way out. He then waddles his way to the prison fence and starts climbing it. But the fence is electrified, and it fries the shit out of Colin, causing him to explode. Pieces of blubber and cement rain down all over the prison, killing dozens of innocent prisoners. Later, a doctor is doing an autopsy of Kiefer Sutherand. His finishes up his report, "If only the fat guy didn't eat all that cement, these two homos could've fucked all night long and lived happily ever after."

Ferris Bueller's Night Off

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The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.

The Thing 2: The Last Thing of Scotland

The Thing in The Thing killed everyone except Kurt Russell (and another guy but I don't know his name). A few days later a rescue team shows up and finds Kurt alive, because he survived by eating the Other Guy. But Kurt doesn't tell them that he became a cannibal. He tells them about The Thing, and how it killed everyone. The rescue team just thinks he's crazy, and he gets sent to an asylum for the criminally insane. Over the next few months, Kurt is put through electro-shock therapy and eventually forced to believe that the events of the The Thing all happened in his mind and there's no such thing as Things. He breaks down and starts crying in the middle of a group therapy session and all the other crazy people group hug him. Then the camera pans up, and up, and fucking UP into space for ten minutes until it stops at a distant alien planet. This is Planet Thing, home of The Things. And right in the middle of the planet is a giant statue of Kurt Russell.

One year later, back on Earth, Kurt Russell is released from the Crazy House. Some kid rides past him on a tricycle, then stops for a second and yells "Hey, fuck you, Krazy Kurt!" then rides away. Kurt yells "No, fuck YOU", but he waited too long before saying it so the kid was too far away to hear him. Also he says it right when a gang of teenage street-punks are walking past, so they thing (I mean think) Kurt was talking to them. The Punk Leader is like "What'd you just say, old man?" and he pulls out a switchblade. Kurt's like "No, I wasn't talking to you" but these rapscallions don't believe him. They start pushing him around, and Kurt's like "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" but they keep pushing him, which makes him angry. So Kurt is forced to kick all their asses. Then he steals a skateboard that one of them was carrying and skates away.

Now there's a montage of Kurt Russell building something. We can't tell what he's building yet, but whatever it is, it's big. The street punks show up and they're like "Hey old man!" and Kurt turns around, thinking they're back for round two, because it looks like Punk #1 is reaching for his switchblade again. But they're just like "Looks like you could use some help" and Punk#1 pulls out a hammer instead of a switchblade. They help him build, because now they respect him. One week later, they've finished building and one punk is like "So what is this, old man?" And we finally see that they have built a space ship. It looks exactly like the one from The Thing, because Kurt was just putting on an act the whole time he was in the asylum. He was just waiting to get out so he could travel to Planet Thing and get revenge on the Things that killed his buddies. He gets into the ship and flies away.

One light year later, the USS Krazy Kurt makes a crash landing. Kurt steps out and says "Finally, here I am on Planet Thing." But we saw Planet Thing earlier so we know he isn't really there. There's a sign right next to him that says "Welcome to Loch Ness", Kurt reads it and is like "What a strange language these aliens have." Then he starts killing everyone he sees, because he thinks that they're Things. In what is later known as the Kurt Russell Massacre, he brutally murders over 300 people before a police sniper takes him down with a bullet to the chest. Kurt is almost dead, but he is still able to crawl back into his space ship and start the self-destruct sequence. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey that he had been saving for this special occasion, and looks at a photo of him and his friends who were killed by The Thing in The Thing. "I did it..." he says, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I saved the world."

The Usual Suspects Part II: The Hunt for Keyser Soze

The Detective has just realized that (spoiler alert for US1) Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Soze, and he's totally pissed that Spacey Punk'd him this whole time. He runs out of the Police Headquarters to see Soze and his wife, Mrs. Soze, driving away. It's too late for him to do anything. Or is it? Detective Johnson punches some guy off his motorcycle, then jumps on it and starts chasing after the Sozes. He drives up next to the Sozemobile and yells "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Spacey... or should I say, Mr. Sozey?" and Keyser's like "what i can't hear you" because they're still driving. The Detective holds up his badge and demands that Mrs. Soze pull over the car immediately. Mr. Soze is like "What's the big idea, copper? I'm not Keyser Soze, I'm just that crippled guy. Gee Whiz, mister!" But his wife knows that the jig is up, so she swerves the car into Detective Johnson and tips over his motorcycle, causing him to skid off the road and into a cafe, killing many innocent bystanders. As the Sozes continue to speed away from Detective J, Keyser's like "Jeepers, babycakes, what'd you do that for? I had that cop wrapped around my little fake-crippled finger, I did!" She just punches him the face and tells him to shut up. Then she pulls of her wig to reveal her true identity, and says "I don't need Detective Johnson discovering my true identity..." Keyser Soze is shocked, but we don't see her face yet so we don't know her true identity.

Meanwhile, back at the cafe where Detective J crashed his bike and killed 7 people who were just minding their own business and drinking some coffee, the good detective climbs up out of the pile of corpses that cushioned his impact and saved his life. He looks down the road and can just make out the Sozemobile in the distance as they drive over the horizon. Then he pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and looks at it. It is tracking the Sozemobile. We quickly see a slow-motion flashback of Detective J placing a tracking device onto the car when he was driving next to it earlier. Detective J is like "I'm gonna get you, Keyser Soze... I'm gonna hunt you down like the dog that you are. Because I hunt dogs. I swear on my partner's grave that you will pay..." Because his partner was one of the people who died in that cafe a minute ago. Then a motorcycle cop drives up and is like "Holy shit balls, Detective Johnson! This looks like one goddamn fucking hell of a cunt-fucking clusterfuck! I better call this into the station!" But when he picks up the radio to call it in, Detective Johnson hits him with a Karate chop to the throat, rendering him unconscious. Then he steals his bike and drives away while AC/DC's "Back In Black" starts to play.

Cut to the Soze Safe House, where Keyser is changing out of his fake-cripple clothes that he wore while he was in disguise as Kevin Spacey. So now he's wearing all black, and he's like "It feels so good to be back in black." The song is still playing when he says that. Then suddenly there's a record scratch and the song stops. Mrs. Soze (who is wearing a wig again so we still don't know her True Identity) comes out of the other room and shoves him to the floor. He's like "what the fuck is your problem", then all of a fucking sudden someone starts firing guns into the room. It's Detective Johnson, who is standing outside with a Tommy Gun in each hand and smoking a cigar. Keyser Soze yells "I thought this was supposed to be a safe house, but it's more like an UN-safe house, am i right!?" and his wife says "what i can't hear you" - this is a callback to earlier when they were driving. Keyser is relieved that she didn't hear him because it was a pretty lame joke that he regretted as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Outside, Detective Johnson has finally run out of ammo. He yells out "Hey Soze, I know you're in there! Come out and face me like the dog you are!" Soze yells back "You're the fucking dog, why don't you suck my dick!" And Johnson replies "You'd like that wouldn't you, Gay-zer Soze!" Then he waits for Keyser to yell something back, and when he doesn't the detective yells "What's the matter, Mr. Soze? Cat got your tongue?" But really the Sozes just escaped out the back door of the safe house and are running away through the desert. It takes Johnson like five minutes to realize this, then he gets back on his motorcycle to chase after them, but it won't start. While Johnson was busy shooting into the safe house, someone poured sugar in the gas tank. "Damn you, Keyser Soze!!!" he yells, but then he notices a trail of sugar leading from his bike into the bushes. He throws a grenade into the bushes, thinking he'll kill Keyser Fucking Soze. But Keyser isn't there, it's just some random fat kid. Johnson is shocked that he just murdered an innocent fat kid, and he's like "Why did you do it, fat kid? Why did you make me kill you?" The fat kid says "Because... Keyser Soze is my father..." then he dies. Also the fat kid has a cheeseburger in one hand that he was eating before he died. Johnson steals the tasty burger and takes a bite, then he says, "Tastes like vengeance." The fat kid's like "That's my burger you fat fuck", then he REALLY dies.

AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" starts playing. We see the Sozes driving on a highway. Keyser says "Man, it feels like we're on a highway to Hell." The song continues as we see a montage of Detective Johnson pursuing the Sozes, and every time they think they're safe, Johnson is one step behind them, eating a cheeseburger. The song fades out as the Sozes pull into a gas station. Keyser's like "I haven't seen that detective in hours, I just gotta buy a hotdog then we'll get back on the road." Mrs. Soze says "Okay but hurry up, I don't want anyone to discover my True Identity." Keyser enters the gas station and picks up a hotdog. Then he realizes that he left his wallet back at the safe house, and figures that he's already a mastermind criminal so he may as well add "hotdog theft" to his list of crimes. But then as he's leaving the clerk is like "Hey buddy, is that a hotdog in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" They both laugh at this hilarious joke, then the clerk says "Seriously though, you better pay for that." There is an awkward silence for 30 seconds as Keyser thinks about his next move, being the calculated genius that he is. Then he pulls the hotdog out of his pocket and eats it. "Pay for what?" He says, then starts walking out of the place with a stupid fucking smirk on his face.

The clerk has tears in his eyes. He can't believe what just happened. He flashes back to 5 years ago, when a criminal stole a hotdog and used it to beat his wife to death. Then he's like "No, not again" and he jumps over the counter and runs at Keyser Soze. At that very moment, Detective Johnson crashes through the widow and also runs at Keyser Soze. Keyzer jumps into the air at just the right time, so the clerk and the detective run into each other. As they're both lying unconscious on the floor, Keyser realizes this is his big chance. He steals all the hotdogs in the place and runs back to the car. He jumps in and tells Mrs. Soze to cheese it, because the guy who's been chasing them for the last 2 weeks is inside the goddamn gas station. She tries to drive away, but the car won't start. Then they look out the window and notice that someone has poured sugar in the gas tank. Keyser dips a hotdog in the sugar and then eats some of it. Then Detective Johnson shoots him in the hand and makes him drop the rest of the sugar-gas-hotdog.

Keyser Soze is screaming because he just got his hand blown off. He yells out to Mrs. Soze to help him, but she panics and is like "No! He can't know my True Identity!" and she just speeds away in the Sozemobile, leaving Keyser to bleed all over the place with his hotdogs. Detective Johnson walks over and shoots off his other hand. "Let's see you eat hotdogs now, like the hot dog that you are." But Keyser isn't really hungry anymore. He's all "How did you do it, Detective? How did you defeat me?" Detective Johnson replies, "Let's just say... I had a little help from a fat friend." The fat kid from earlier looks out from behind the bushes, holding a bag of sugar, and he and Johnson wink at each other. I guess he didn't die after all. Johnson picks up a hotdog and throws it to Fatty. "Here, Fat Kid," he says, "Go have yourself a snack. You don't wanna see what I'm about to do." "Okay, mister. I love you." Says Fat Kid, and he walks away into the sunset, chewing on his Hotdog of Love.

Run Lola Run II: Lola Goes Bananas

It's been 20 years since the events of Run Lola Run. Lola's boyfriend is dead now and she has an 18 year old daughter named Lalo. Lalo likes to "Lay low" if you know what I mean. Lola is now retired from running and she owns a restaurant. It's like Rocky Balboa except she's a runner and not a boxer. One night, two punk kids come into the restaurant and rob everybody at gunpoint. They put all the money and shit into a bag and run away. Someone's like "Run, Lola, run! You have to stop them!" so she starts chasing the punks. Punk #1 sees her and is like "Holy shit, it's the famous Running Lola! We better cheese it!" So Lola's chasing them for a few minutes, and she almost catches up to them, but then she has to stop and throw up. She sits down on the curb and tries to catch her breath. She's like 50 years old now so come on, of course she didn't catch them. Then some random kid walks up to her and says "Look at you, Lola. You used to be somethin'. Now you're nothin' but a bum in the streets." Then that kid walks away, never to be seen again.

When Lola returns to the restaurant, everyone's like "So where the fuck is our shit, dawg?" and they're all disappointed in her for not retrieving everything, these selfish fucking assholes. Also one of the people who had their shit stolen is a restaurant critic and because of these events he gives her restaurant only 2 stars out of 5. Lola tries to make up for her customers' losses by giving them all two free cases of her home-made Lola Cola. They all take the Cola, but they're still not happy. And neither is Lola, because she lost a lot of money tonight, but more importantly, she also lost... her dignity, or something. So now Lola's standing in her empty restaurant, and a mysterious stranger enters. He makes her an offer she can't refuse: If she comes out of retirement for one last run, he'll pay her one million dollars. He'll also find the two punks who robbed the restaurant and murder them. So Lola's like "okay cool"

Later, Lola is training for the running. Her daughter Lalo comes to visit her and she's all "What the fuck are you doing, you're too old, you're gonna die, you don't have to prove anything, blah blah blah" and Lola's like "Shut the fuck up" so the Lalo does the opposite of shutting the fuck up: she screams really loudly, and all the in the room glass shatters into a bazillion pieces. Then she runs away, but she didn't inherit her mother's running abilities, so she sucks at running. She trips over on the way out and some random kid (not the same one as before) is like "Have a nice TRIP when you TRIPPED OVER, DAY TRIPPER?!" So then Lola goes over to Lalo and they have a very emotional mother/daughter moment. Lola's like "I gotta do this... there's no other way" and Lalo's like "Cool I hope you win" because she changed her mind since a few seconds ago.

The day of The Big Run. Lola has been training a lot, but everybody's still like "There's no way this old bitch can run". But she sure proves them wrong. She runs faster than the speed of light. She runs around the whole planet twice. Now everyone's like "Holy shit, this old bitch is clearly not human and must be destroyed", so I guess she can't win either way. Then Lola runs into the sky and returns to her home planet. Her half-human daughter is taken prisoner on Earth. The End.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: The Fast and the Curious

Beginning shortly after the end of the first movie in the Benjamin Button franchise, Cate Blanchett has recently died and now her daughter, Buttongirl, is preparing for the funeral. She's filling out the funeral application forms in her house, when there's a knock at the door. It's a girl scout, selling cookies to raise money for a girl scout camping trip or something. Buttongirl buys 10 boxes, in honor of her mother who loved girl scout cookies. Later, she's eating her third box of cookies, and suddenly chips her tooth on one of them. Then, upon closer inspection of the tooth-chipping cookie, she discovers that it's not a cookie at all, it's a fucking button. "What the fuck?" she says to her cat. Her cat is like "meow" but it doesn't really say anything. Buttongirl analyzes the button underneath a microscope and finds a hidden message: Meet me at the docks tonite if you want to know the truth about your father, Benjamin B. Button, Esquire. Come alone. You can bring your cat, I guess, because that doesn't count. Not that I have anything against cats, I'm just saying, by "alone" I mean "without any other human beings". I think you know what I mean. See you soon, I hope! They fit all that on one button somehow.

That night, Buttongirl and her cat, Mittenballs, travel to The Docks. She has mace and a switchblade with her in case anyone tries to start some shit. After waiting around for a few minutes, she's like "where the fuck is this guy" and her cat just says "meow-meow". So then some gang members start walking towards her. Guy #1 is all "Well, well, looky what we got here" and Buttongirl quickly pulls out her mace and sprays it all over the guy's face. Then her cat jumps on him and scratches the shit out him, but that just gets mace all over the cat so now the cat is rolling around on the ground in pain too. The second gang member is like "You is gonna pay for that, bee-yotch" and is about to attack her, but she pulls out her switchblade and throws it at him, hitting him in the eye. Now he's on the ground next to the first guy and the cat, and they're all crying and shit. So Buttongirl picks up Mittenballs and runs away.

The next day, Buttongirl is eating some Cereal-O's and chips another tooth. Because there was a button in her cereal. This button also has a secret message for her: Dear Buttongirl, where were you last night? I got there at 10pm and waited like 2o minutes for you. I'll be there again tonite, so please show up. Your pal, Anonymous. Buttongirl just throws the button away and her cat eats it. A few hours later, she's meeting with a funeral director about her mother's funeral, and she can't concentrate on what he's saying because there's something weird about the top button of his shirt. She rips the button off him and examines is closely, finding another message: Why did you feed the last button to your cat? Buttongirl's like "How am I supposed to respond to these button messages?" And the funeral director just thinks she's crazy but he still agrees to organize the funeral because she has a lot of money.

Two days later, at the funeral, Buttongirl gets hit in the face by something. It's another button. She doesn't read it, but she looks around and sees some guy hiding behind a tree. She's like "Hey asshole" and he runs away. She chases him all through the cemetery but isn't able to catch him. When she finally stops running, she realizes that she is at the grave of Benjamin Button. But the grave is fucking empty! Someone dug up Benjamin's baby-corpse. There is one final button sitting on the gravestone with a secret message that explains everything: I dug up Benjamin Button's corpse so I could harvest his unique DNA in order to create the perfect killing machine. Soon I will control the world, and it's all thanks to you, Buttongirl! To be concluded...

Elephant Man II: The Curse of the Elephant Man

It has been one year since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. It's also Halloween. Because he died on Halloween. Some kids are trick-or-treating, and one of them is dressed as an elephant. But it's hard to tell what he's supposed to be because it's a poorly-made costume, so when his friends first see him they're like "what are you supposed to be" and says "I'm an elephant, man." Then a mysterious voice from the bushes says "Somebody say mah name?" and a guy with a bag over his head jumps out of the bushes and kills the elephant costume kid with his signature weapon: an ivory elephant tusk. The other kids are like "Holy cunt-balls" and they run away. But they don't make it very far, because the mysterious hooded figure throws several elephant tusk stars at them and takes two of them down. Then there's only one kid left. It's a girl named Ellie. Ellie Phant. She climbs up a tree and hides there, because she figures that this guy is the Elephant Man and elephants can't climb trees. But her name is Ellie Phant and she just climbed it so it's ironic or something. The killer stands right under the tree, but he doesn't know Ellie is up there. He yells out "I know you can hear me, kid. And I'm gonna find you. Even if I have to wait a year, you will meet your maker at the hands of the Elephant Man! Because that's who I am!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been two years since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. And it's been one year since an evil supervillan claiming to be The Elephant Man killed several innocent children on Halloween. But it's not Halloween yet, it's Halloween Eve, and Ellie Phant is scared that the Elephant Man is going to come back to kill her, the only survivor of The Elephant Man Massacre. Her boyfriend is like "Don't worry, baby, I can protect you." Then they start making out, and as the clock ticks over to 12:01am the camera pans across to the window and we see the guy with a bag over his head looking creepily through the window. Ellie sees him and starts screaming but when Boyfriend looks over he's gone and he thinks she just imagined it. He walks over and opens the window and he's like "See, there's no Elephant Man here. Except for the elephant... in my heart." Suddenly, a giant elephant tusk impales him through the chest and kills him. The killer pulls the tusk out and looks at Ellie through Boyfriend's gaping chest wound. He's like "I told you what I'd do, Ellie, and an elephant never forgets!" Ellie screams and quickly runs to her parents' bedroom, but her parents are already dead. She grabs her dad's gun starts firing it at the killer, but he deflects the bullets with his giant elephant tusk. One of the bullets ricochets into Ellie's eye, and that's how she got the nickname "One-Eyed Ellie". So now the "Elephant Man" is standing over ol' One-Eyed Ellie about to decapitate her with his elephant tusk machete. When all of a sudden, a mouse runs across the floor. The Elephant Man is like "Eek!!" And runs away. Because elephants are afraid of mice. Looks like Ellie has found her secret weapon. While the killer is standing on a chair Ellie jumps out the window and runs away, while he yells "You haven't heard the last me, One-Eyed Ellie! Even if it takes another year, you will be murdered by me, The Elephant Man!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been three years since John Merrick died, two since those kids were killed, and one since the Elephant Man killer returned and killed more people. This time Ellie is ready for him. She's been working out, now she's like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. And it's Judgement Day, alright. Prepare to be judged. It's 12:01, Halloween, and she goes out and stands on her front lawn. She's like "Come and get me, sucka" and she's smoking a cigar. Also she's wearing an eye patch. But the Elephant Man doesn't show up for some reason.

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been four years since John Merrick died, three since the Elephant Man killed some kids, two since he came back to finish off the last survivor and failed due to his fear of mice, and one since he accidentally went to the wrong house so Ellie Phant got that year off. Ellie is married now, and since the evil Elephant Man didn't show up last year, she think that whole ordeal is over and done with. But BOY OH BOY OH FUCKING BOY-O BOY is she wrong. Dead wrong. She's having dinner with her husband, when there's a knock at the door. Things get really tense and scary as Ellie goes to open the door. But it's not the killer, it's just the Chief of Police. He's like "Are you sure you don't want any protection this year? Just because the Elephant Man took last year off doesn't mean he won't come back to kill you. After all, you are his worst enemy. And if I were him, which I'm not, I would want to murder the fucking shit out of you and rape you while forcing your husband to watch." But Ellie's like "Don't worry, Chief, I'll be fine." So the chief leaves. A minute later, there's a knock at the door again, so Ellie opens it all "I saaaaaiiiiddd I'll be fine, Chief" But it's actually the Elephant Man this time, and he's like "Who you callin' CHIEF, sucka"

The evil Elephant Man swings his elephant tusk sword at Ellie, but she leans back, Matrix-style, and dodges the attack. Then she does a back flip and kicks the killer in the face. Ellie and Elephant Man have a big Kung-Fu fight for 10 minutes while Ellie's husband just sits there and watches this amazing showdown. Eventually it looks like Elephant Mas has the upper hand - he has Ellie in a Kung-Fu Grip and she can't move. He's about to break her arms, but she is able to jump into the air while he's holding on to her so they crash through the ceiling and land on the roof of the house. Her husband's like "Damn, now I can't see the fight." So now they're on the roof, and they're fighting with elephant tusk swords. Ellie manages to force Elephant Man over to the edge of the house, and Elephant Man is afraid of heights, so this gives Ellie the upper hand, and she cuts both of his legs off. He then falls off the roof, but it's only a one-story house so he lands comfortably on the grass. He tries crawling away, but Ellie jumps down and cuts both of his arms off. Then she's like "Now let's find out how you really are!" And she pulls his mask off to reveal that he was Anthony Hopkins all along. But she doesn't even know who that is.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Part II: Logan's Run

Wolverine is in a bar in Japan, in the 1980s, and the bartender's asks "Are you drinking to forget?" and he replies "No, I'm drinkin' to remember." Then Sabretooth enters and he's like, "Remember me... brother?" But Wolverine doesn't remember. "How could you forget... your brother... brother?" says Sabretooth. Wolverine is like "Are you my brother or something?" then we cut to a flashback of Wolvie & Sabie as kids. It's like 1886 and they've just run away from home. Sabie is like "Come on, bro! We're gonna be best friends forever! Nothing can tear us apart, ever!" and Wolvie (or as he was known back then, "Logan") agrees that they will always fight side-by-side, even if they live for more than a hundred years and even if he gets an Adamantium skeleton. But because he's just a kid, he mispronounces it as "Aluminum" because kids say the darnedest things.

Anyway, before they leave their home town, Logan wants to say goodbye to his girlfriend, Norma-Jean. He goes to see her and she's all "I already know what you're going to say, Logie" and Logie's confused, because how could she know?? It's not like she can read his mind. She tells him to just leave, and that she never wants to see him again, and she never will, ever. Then after Logan walks away, Norma-Jean's brother comes up to her and he's like "hey I just figured out how to make people travel a hundred years into the future" so he zaps Norma-Jean and she teleports to the future and changes her name to Jean Grey. The Origin of Jean Grey has been revealed.

Logan meets up with his brother Sabie again, and Sabie's like "I'm glad she's gone, bro. We'll never see her again! You'll especially never see her again." and Logan says he already forgot her name. Then they start walking out of town and Logan accidentally steps on a toad. He's like "Goddamn I hate toads." Then he kicks it away. The toad watches them leave, and then there's a time-lapse or something that shows how the toad mutated over a hundred years until he eventually became the evil mutant known as Toad. The Origin of Toad has been revealed.

A few years later, Wolverine and Sabertooth are fighting Nazis in Germany. They see some Nazis carrying a kid to a Death Camp, and Wolvie is like "Yo we should help him" and Sabie just says "Fuck that little fuck, he can suck my fucking dick, faggot" So Wolvie goes to rescue the kid by himself. He slices up the Nazis with his claws, and then picks up a Nazi Grenade and throws it at a Nazi Tank. Then he carries the kid to safety in slow-motion while the tank explodes in the background. The kid wakes up and he's like "We have to save the other jews" and Wolvie's like "Okay bub, but this could be dangerous. You're gonna have to wear a helmet." And he picks up a helmet off the ground and puts it on the kid's head. But the helmet is way too big for him and it covers his whole head so he looks like Magneto. Because he is Magneto. Also the kid picks up a tank with his mind and throws it at Hitler. The Origin of Magneto has been revealed.

Wolverine and Lil' Magneto save the Jews and one of them has blue hair. A Nazi comes out of nowhere and tries to shoot the blue-haired kid but Bluey does some gymnastic shit and swings around and kicks the Nazi's head off. Wolverine is like "Damn, kid, that was a pretty beastly move." Then the kid says "Hey don't call me a Beast." The Origin of Beast has been revealed.

Later that night, Wolverine sees some guy crawling on the ground. He's crawling at night. The Origin of Nightcrawler has been revealed.

Wolverine meets back up with Sabretooth and tells him about all the crazy characters he met while fighting Nazis today. Sabie tells Wolvie about all the crazy characters he raped today. Wolvie's like "You so crazy, bub" Then we cut back to the 1980s, in the Japanese Saloon. Sabretooth asks, "Now do you remember, brother?" And Wolverine is like "No." The End. Then, after the credits, Sabretooth morphs into a naked blue chick. Some guy sees her and he's like "Who are you?" And she says "My name is Teek. Miss Teek." The Origin of Mystique has been revealed.

Faster & Furiouser: 5 Fast 5 Furious: The Sandwich Technique

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are now roommates for some reason. One day Walker comes home from working at the FBI and Diesel is on the couch playing Mario Kart 64 with some other dudes, and Walker's like "Yo Vin, did you buy any milk?" but he didn't buy any milk because he was playing video games all day. Walker is like "You're making me furious!" then he goes to buy the milk. After he's gone, Diesel's Mario Kart buddies are like "That guy's a pussy, why do you still live with him?" and Diesel just says "Oh, I have my reasons..." then he fires a turtle shell at the other guy and wins the race. "Looks like I won, Princess," he says (the other guy was using the Princess Peach character), "Now fork it over, bitch." Then the other guy hands Vin Diesel a big bag of delicious heroin. And the bag has a picture of Wario on it.

The next day, Paul Walker is at the FBI Building when his boss is like "Walker, see me in my office!" So Walker goes in there and the boss fires him from the FBI because he says he found heroin in his locker. Walker's like "That ain't my heroin!!" so the boss says he'll have to take a drug test. Walker's like "fine" and takes the specimen cup to go and fill it up, but the boss stops him and says "No. I want you do it here. In front of me. I want to watch you pee in this cup." So he does, and then he gets fired because even though it wasn't his heroin, he smokes weed every day and the drug test revealed that to the boss. Also, the bag of heroin that they found had a picture of Wario on it. So Walker goes home and tells Diesel that he got fired, but then he sees that Vinny Boy also has a bag of Wario Heroin. He's like "what the fuck, did you frame me bro?" and Diesel says that the guy who gave him the heroin must have framed Walker because he beat him at Mario Kart, and he wanted Paul to think Vin was the one who framed him because he is jealous of their love.

Vin & Paul furiously and fastly drive to the heroin dealer's house. When they get there Paul Walker jumps his car onto the roof somehow, and Vin Diesel fires turtle shells at the house. Paul yells down the chimney, "You better get out here fast, because I'm furiouser than ever!!" Suddenly, Heroin Dealer drives his own car out of the second floor of the house and lands on the neighbor's roof. He's like "Fuck you, Paul Walker!" then he drives away, jumping from rooftop-to-rooftop, while Walker gives chase. Vin Diesel is still following them from the road. When they finally run out of rooftops, HD and Walker jump their cars onto the road and HD starts throwing banana peels behind him to try and slip up Vin & Paul. So Paul & Vin have to slow down a little to avoid slipping on all these banana peels, and as they're driving next to each other, Vin says "I think we should use the Sandwich Technique!" Paul understands, so they both count to three and then fire the nitros so they speed up next to HD. Now one of them is driving on either side of the Heroin Dealer, and he's panicking and shit, yelling "What the fuck do you want??" And Vin Diesel is like "We wanna make you fuckin' sandwich, Princess" and then Vin Diesel and Paul Walker each pull out a fucking Uzi and start firing bullets into HD. They shoot the fucking shit out of him.

A few minutes later, they're finally out of bullets so they stop and look in the back of HD's car. They find more bags of Wario Heroin and some files that explain how he planned to frame Paul & Vin for assassinating the president. They're like "whaaaaaat" then suddenly we cut to the White House, where The President is walking outside in his bathrobe to pick up his morning paper. But when he picks it up, someone shoots him in the head!! Then, we pull back to reveal that the sniper who shot him is none other than Michelle Rodriguez, Vin Diesel's allegedly dead girlfriend! She makes a phone call to HD, but because he's dead, VD answers it. MR is like "It's done. Are Diesel and Walker in position?" and Vin's like "Uh... yes?" Somehow they don't recognize each other's voices. Then Michelle's like "Good, then your work is done." and she presses a big red button. HD's car starts beeping, so Vin and Paul jump out of the way in slow motion as it explodes. Paul Walker's like "This all could've been avoided if you bought some milk" and Vin Diesel replies "Suck my dick" Then they laugh and high-five. Meanwhile, Michelle Rodriguez gets into her own car and drives it into the white house. Her car has three turtle shells spinning around it so nobody can do anything to stop her.