everybody loves a cane

Dreamcatcher

2010-06-11T19:20:00.031+10:00

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0285531/

We open on someone drawing a dreamcatcher, because that’s the name of the movie. He also writes “SSDD” next to it, which is something that will be repeated several times in the next 2 hours but isn’t really important. Some fat guy is going on and on about food, and we cut to a wide shot (get it, because he’s fat) to reveal that we’re in a psychiatrist’s office. The psychiatrist is of course Thomas Jane, and he’s like “Do you think you’re eating yourself to death because you blame yourself for killing your mother? After all, she did call out to you from her death bed and said that she was having chest pains” and he goes into more detail about it while Fat Guy is all “Whaaat, I never said that?? How could you know that?? How???” Thomas Jane doesn’t answer, he just keeps telling him what a fat fuck he is for not helping his mother until Fat Guy is like “Get out of my head!” and his fatness breaks the couch as he runs out of the room.

Thomas Jane feels bad about what he just did, so he throws down his notepad, then pulls a gun out of his desk drawer and holds it to his head. Before he can pull the trigger, the phone rings. Thomas Jane’s suicidal tendencies won’t be mentioned again, but you should still remember this moment when something happens later involving these two characters and a gun and a phone, because it contains some interesting clues to unlocking the mystery of Dreamcatcher. Anyway, when the phone rings, Thomas Jane is like “Jonesy?” then when he’s putting the gun away he accidentally fires it into the wall.
Thomas Jane picks up the phone and Jonesy (Damian Lewis) is like “What's goin’ on, bro?” and Henry (Thomas Jane) replies “SSDD, bro” and Jonesy’s like “Hell yeah.” SSDD indeed. Jonesy tells Henry that they should go and see “Duddits” this weekend, because “It’s been a long time.” Henry agrees and they hang up. Jonesy is a college professor, and one of his students comes in to his office. The student cheated on his test, but Jonesy is going to let him off the hook because he knows what a hard time this kid has had. The kid is like “Thanks, but how did you know?? How???” Jonesy says he just knows.

Pete (Timothy Olyphant) is a car salesman, and he’s just sitting around bored when some woman comes in and tells him that she lost her keys and she needs to borrow a car or something. Pete is like “Easy, Trish, I’ll help you find your keys” and she’s like “How did you know my name??? How????” In case you haven’t figured it out, these characters have goddamn psychic powers. So Pete and Trish go to a convenience store, and Pete twirls his finger around, which he explains is something he does to help retrace his steps. He tells her that she purchased a Mars Bar, then she went out to her car and dropped the keys in a puddle right next to it. Before he actually finds her keys, though, he’s like “I’ll make you a deal - If I find your keys, then you come and eat some fried clams with me!” This guy is no Rayland Givens when it comes to the ladies. She’s weirded out by this so she lies that she’ll meet him later, then takes her keys and drives away. Pete says to himself, “Another fuckerow...” Yep.
Jason Lee is sitting in a bar, playing around with his wedding ring. He’s also wearing thick glasses and chewing on a toothpick. This guy loves toothpicks. He goes outside to a phone booth and makes a call to Jonesy. After they get their “SSDD”’s out of the way, Jason Lee acts weird and just tells Jonesy to be careful. Careful of what? He doesn’t know. By the way, Jason Lee’s character is named Beaver.

Jonesy leaves his office and walks outside to the street. He looks across the street and sees something that we don’t see, and whatever it is makes him walk on the busy street and get run over by a car. Cut to Jonesy’s point of view in the back of an ambulance. The doctors are like “Looks like his dead” then it fades to black for a second, but comes back and there’s a weird little kid with a speech impediment staring at Jonesy. He’s says “Ook out fuh ishter gay” the he smiles. This kid is Duddits. They explain it in a minute anyway.
Six months later. Jonesy, Henry, Pete & Beaver arrive at their cabin in the mountains. There is a dreamcatcher hanging in the cabin, because that’s the name of the movie. While cooking dinner, Beav and Pete share some awesome dialogue, like “Got blown last night!” “First time?” “Bite my bag” then Beaver goes on about the differences between “fuckerees” and “fuckerows” for a while and they talk about how great Viagra is.

Outside, Jonesy and Henry are collecting firewood. Jonesy’s like “Remember how we were going to visit Duddits six months ago, but we never did because I got hit by that car? Well here’s something about that day which I never told you about in the last six months...” He tells Henry that he saw Duddits on the other side of the street, calling out for help “just like that day when they first met him” and we see a flashback of Duddits standing across the street in his underwear, all beat up. Henry’s like “Duddits loves me, so why would he call me into the street to get hit?” Henry doesn’t know yet, but he’ll figure it out later.

Later, the four guys are all hanging out and drinking, talking about Kiefer Sutherland and shit. Beaver tells them all some great Kiefer trivia, and Jonesy says “I’ll file that in the Who Give’s A Shit section of my Memory Warehouse.” Beaver’s like “Huh?? What’s the Memory Warehouse??” like they haven’t been friends for 30 years and don’t know everything about each other. So then they awkwardly explain the idea of the Memory Warehouse.
Jonesy says that when he learns new shit, he has to throw out old shit from his Memory Warehouse. So we see him in a literal warehouse moving around huge files with labels like “New Laptop” and “Kiefer Sutherland Facts”. Henry asks him what he does with all the old files, and Jonesy says he burns them. This warehouse is all a metaphor inside his head or some such shit. It doesn't physically exit. I mean I don't think it does.
We see him in his warehouse taking some files labeled “Jerk-Off Fantasies” and “Sports Humiliations” and throwing them in a furnace. He goes on to explain that if there’s a file he really wants to save, he goes and hides it in his office where he keeps all his “secret stuff”. The office inside his Memory Warehouse inside his head. So we see him saving the lyrics to Blue Bayou with some other secret stuff like “60s Folk” and “Fantasy Moms”.
Beav asks where Jonesy keeps all the stuff on Duddits. Turns out Duds “has a special section of his own on the third level.” This segues nicely into the subject of Duddits, now that the Memory Warehouse bullshit is out of the way. Pete says he can’t stop thinking about The Duds lately, and Beav says “It’s this place, he’s all around it even though he’s never been in it.” Sure, Beav. Beaver is still chewing on goddamn toothpicks by the way. He also says his catchphrase, “Fuck me Freddy” for the first time, but fuck ME Freddy, it won’t be the last. So the guys all make a toast to Duddits, their “dreamcatcher”, because that’s the name of the movie.
Derry, Maine. Twenty years earlier. We see the four guys as teenagers, walking along the train tracks. Also, they’re dressed exactly the same as they are 20 years later, so you know who’s who. Beaver is literally wearing the same denim jacket and glasses, he’s just missing the toothpick. They’re going to some deserted building to look at a photo of “the homecoming queen’s pussy”. When they get there, Young Beaver finds some kid’s shirt on the ground and he’s like “Fuck me, Freddy!” (#2) They also find a Scooby-Doo lunchbox with Douglas (Duddits) Cavel’s name on it, and Young Beav guesses that it must belong to “one of those kids from the Retard Academy.” Then they hear some kid screaming from behind the building and go to investigate.

Three Jock dudes (one of them is literally holding a football) are holding onto Young Duddits and trying to make him eat dog crap. They’re really super-serious about making this small retarded child eat this piece of shit, and they tell the four guys to get out of here. But they’re not going anywhere. Well maybe Young Pete is, because he’s like “Just say the word, I’ll run and get help” and Bully #3 is like “I could catch that little dick” but Young Henry is like “Do you know who this is? This is fucking Pete Moore!” The bullies are shocked by this, because it turns out Pete Moore is the Fastest Kid in Derry, Maine, and he’ll run off and tell the cops. Anyway they save the retarded kid and young Beaver sings “Blue Bayou” to him. This is the most embarrassing scene in the movie, except for maybe the other flashback scene that happens later. They give Young Duddits back his Scooby-Doo lunch box, and Duddits kisses it and sings the Scooby-Doo theme song in his very retarded voice. So his name is actually Douglas, but he pronounces it Duddits. Also they don’t get to see the homecoming queen’s pussy.
Back in the present, Pete & Henry are buying some hotdogs from the local store. The old guy at the store is like “Yep, storm’s a-brewin’” then they leave. Jonesy is hunting in the forest and it starts snowing. He’s about to shoot a deer or something, when some fat guy (no relation to Fat Guy from earlier) gets in the way. The guy is stumbling all over the place, so Jonesy goes and helps him. They get back to the cabin and the guy introduces himself as Rick McCarthy. They talk about the dreamcatcher for a second, because that’s the name of the movie, then Rick burps in Jonesy’s face and says he’s “been doing that all night”, since he ate some berries. Also Jonesy notices a weird lump sticking out of Rick McCarthy’s chest.

Henry & Pete are driving back to the cabin. Henry tells Pete about how six months ago he humiliated that fat guy in the first scene of the movie. Then a couple of days ago, he saw his picture in the paper. Turns out he “ate himself to death”. Back at the cabin, Jonesy gives Rick McCarthy some soup and Beav enters with another of his famous catchphrases, “Jesus Christ Bananas, some fuckerow this is turning out to be!” Beav meets Rick, and comments on how fucked up he looks. Rick explains the fucked-upedness as a peanut allergy, but Jonesy & Beav share a look like “that don’t look like no allergy I ever seen”. Rick burps again, and Beaver says “Bitch in a buzz saw!”, his other famous catch phrase. Then Rick farts loudly, and Jonesy notices that huge lump in his chest has moved down to his stomach, and figures now is a good time for Rick to go and take a nap. They help him lie down, making sure to tell him where the bathroom is, just in case an alien worm needs to come out of his asshole or something (spoiler alert).

Back on the road, the storm has gotten worse and Henry & Pete almost hit someone who is sitting in the middle of the road. Their car totally flips over and lands upside-down. They climb out of the car and start laughing. Back at the cabin, Jonesy & The Beav wonder what the hell’s up with Rick, while Beav eats some peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers. Peanut butter calms him down. Jonesy notices something weird happening outside. All of the animals in the forest are running somewhere, all in the same direction. Beav says another famous catchphrase, “Criminettlies!” I don’t know what that means, I had to turn on the DVD subtitles to get the correct spelling.
Henry & Pete walk over to the frozen lady who made them swerve off the road. They think she’s dead, but then she punches Pete, farts, and says she has to find Rick. She has the same weird skin problem that Rick has. Jonesy & Beav are outside the cabin now, watching all the CGI animals run past them. Beaver says “Fuck me Freddy” for the fourth time, and points out that some of the animals also have the same skin problem as Rick. Maybe they have peanut allergies too. So then a chopper shows up and Beav yells to them that they have a sick guy inside the cabin who needs help. He manages to keep the toothpick in his mouth, even while yelling. The guys in the chopper are all wearing oxygen masks, and one of them yells to J & B that this area is under quarantine, and they can go fuck themselves. Then Morgan Freeman flies past in has own private helicopter and Beaver gives him the finger.

Pete & Henry carry Miss Road Kill (Pete named her that, not me) off the road to some undercover area. Pete points out to Henry that this is definitely not Same Shit Different Day, this is some Different Shit right here. They start a campfire, and Henry leaves so he can run back to the cabin, then he’ll get the snowmobile and come back for them. Pete stays with Miss Road Kill because he injured his leg, just in case you were wondering why the character who was previously established as the Fastest Kid in Derry, Maine wasn’t the one to run for help.

“This is turning into a double fuckarow. A real jobba-nobba.” says Beaver (of course). Beaver & Jonesy go back inside the cabin, and see a huge trail of blood leading from the bedroom to the bathroom. They knock on the bathroom door and ask Rick if he’s okay, and he just says he’s a little sick. The guys know something is up, and Jonesy wants to break down the door. Beav is scared, so Jonesy literally says “Scooby-Dooby-Doo, we got some work to do now”, and they get ready to knock it down. Then Jonesy hesitates and wonders, “What if we just bounce off?" Beav says “No bounce, no play” and Jonesy’s like “Oh yeah, good point” then they knock down the door.

There is blood all over the floor and walls, and Rick is sitting on the toilet, not moving. They hear something splash, so Beaver thinks Rick must still be alive and shitting, and he goes over and tells him to snap out of it, but ends up knocking him off the toilet, and the director makes sure to include a shot of Rick’s bleeding anus as he falls into the bathtub. Then we hear something splashing around inside the toilet. Beaver quickly slams the lid down and sits on it, trapping whatever’s inside. Then he flushes the toilet and he and Jonesy smile and nod at each other, like “I guess that takes care of that!”
Beaver takes a thing of toothpicks out of his pocket to celebrate this victory, but before he can put one in his mouth, the creature in the toilet hits the lid and makes him drop the toothpicks all over the bloody bathroom floor. Jonesy wants to switch places with Beaver so Beav can run down to the shed and get the friction tape, then they’ll use it to tape the lid down. The part about them switching places is stupid, so Beaver tells him to go get the tape, “If it does get out, you can’t fight it. Not with your hip.” Jonesy has been walking with a limp since he got hit by the car, by the way. So Jonesy’s like “sit tight, buddy” and runs off to get the tape. After he leaves, Beav looks at his toothpicks on the floor, and notices that one of them happened to land on a floor title that isn’t covered in blood and shit. He loves toothpicks so much that he has to try and reach for it.

Jonesy is looking for the tape in the shed, while Beav is singing “Blue Bayou” to himself back in the bathroom to calm himself down. After yelling for Jonesy to hurry the fuck up, he decides to once again try and reach for the goddamn toothpick of death. He reaches too far, and the creature in the toilet causes him to fall off, then we see a big alien worm snake thing come out and bite Beaver a couple of times. Beaver’s glasses fall off and he can’t see anything, because he’s like the Velma of this Scooby Doo gang. When he gets his glasses back on, he sees the alien worm looking right at him. It bites his fingers off, then knocks him down and Beav starts wrestling with it. Jonesy finally finds the tape, then gets back to the bathroom to see Beaver on the toilet choking his alien worm, if you know what I mean. Beav tells Jonesy to run, then the alien eats his face. So long, Beav.
The alien slithers towards Jonesy, so he closes the door, trapping it in the bathroom. It starts slamming against the door, then the doorknob breaks off and the door creaks open. Jonesy slowly turns around and looks terrified, then the worm slithers past him and up the leg of a tall, slimy alien dude. The alien dude looks Jonesy in the eye, and Jonesy’s like “What do you want?” The alien explodes into a cloud of red cocaine, and Jonesy snorts it up. That’s pretty much what happens.
Meanwhile, at the military quarantine base or whatever the fuck that they’ve set up around the general store that Pete & Henry were at earlier, we meet Colonel Abraham Curtis (Morgan Freeman) and his gigantic eyebrows. He explains that the alien red skin disease stuff has been nicknamed “Ripley”, after the broad in the Alien movies. They’re eradicating the animals as they flee the Blue Zone, and detaining civilians until they figure this shit out. Colonel Curtis tells Tom Sizemore (Tom Sizemore) that he’s in charge of the “Blue Boy Unit”, and Sizemore seems happy about that. There’s more exposition but this thing is already too long. The point is Colonel Curtis has a history with these aliens that are infecting everything and he wants to kill them all.
A soldier named “Maples” is brought into Curtis’s office by another member of the Blue Boy Unit. Apparently he disobeyed one of Colonel Curtis’s orders by allowing a mother and child to exit the Blue Zone. Maples swears that the mother & child weren’t infected, and Curtis tells him to raise his hand and really swear on it, “scouts honor”-style. Maples does that, and Colonel Curtis shoots him in the hand. “He crossed the Curtis Line!” Then Curtis gives Tom Sizemore his gun because it’s apparently a special gun that he got from John Wayne.
Pete is still sitting around the camp fire with Miss Road Kill, drinking some beers and talking to himself. We see a huge alien worm blood trail leading away from Miss Road Kill, but Pete doesn’t notice it. Back at the cabin, Jonesy drives out of the shed on the snowmobile. Then he smiles evilly, because it’s not really Jonesy, it’s the alien. Pete is drinking and talking to Miss Road Kill, and he starts ranting about how that chick from earlier didn’t meet him for fried clams. That happened six months ago, he still gives a fuck?
He also starts talking about Duddits, and how he gave them all their telepathic abilities. He theorizes that Duddits is from another planet, and that he “came here to prepare us for something. Crazy, huh?” Meanwhile, the alien worm is crawling towards him, and when Pete gets up to pee, the worm pokes its head out of the snow and bites onto his cock, so Pete runs around and ends up jumping onto the fire to burn this alien cocksucker.
Henry is still walking back to the cabin while talking to himself. There’s a lot of dudes talking to themselves in the second half of this movie. He telepathically senses Jonesy coming towards him on the snowmobile, but then he’s like “Who’s Mr. Gray? Wait a second... You’re not Jonesy!” and then he hides in the snow while Jonesy/Mr. Gray drives past. Then there’s an awesome scene where Damian Lewis argues with himself as Jonesy and Mr. Gray. When he’s talking as Mr. Gray he has a British accent. Also, Mr. Gray is like “How did you know my name??” And we see a quick flashback of Duddits saying “Watch out fuh Ishter Gay” in the ambulance in case you forgot.
Jonesy/Mr. Gray finds Pete, who quickly realizes that he’s not really Jonesy, so then Damian Lewis switches to his evil British accent and a confused Pete drunkenly yells “You sound like one of those James Bonds!” Then Mr. Gray’s eyes turn yellow and he uses The Force to choke Pete. We cut to Jonesy in his “Memory Warehouse” watching this happen, and he tells Pete to just tell Mr. Gray what he wants to know, which is how to get to Massachusetts. Pete twirls his finger around and it creates a magic tunnel thing which shows Mr. Gray where to go, I guess.
Henry gets back to the cabin. The alien blood has now spread all over the place. It’s even on the dreamcatcher, because that's the name of the movie. Henry picks up a shotgun and starts looking around, then he sees that Beaver is dead and says “Fuck me, Freddy.” In the bedroom, he finds an alien eel snake worm guarding its eggs so he shoots the worm, then lights the eggs on fire and ends up burning down the whole alien-infested cabin, including the dreamcatcher.

Flashback to 20 years ago, we see that Duddits is the one who made the dreamcatcher for the four guys. He pronounces their names “Eaver, Henny, Ownzy and Eet” because he retarded and talks like a retard in case you don’t get it. Then he declares, “I Duddits!” And they all agree, “Yes you are Duddits.” Duddits mentions saving the world and Mr. Gray again, then they use their telepathic retard powers to find a missing girl who is also from the Retard Academy. Young Pete does the finger-twirling magic thing to find her, so I guess Pete’s the only one of the four who has that power? Then the four kids realize for the first time that they can communicate telepathically. “Kiss my bender!” “You can say that again!” “I didn’t say that, I thought it!” “You guys, we can read each other’s minds!” “You can think that again!” "Bite my bananas!" "Fingeroo my fuckerino!"

Back in the present... “Right here, boss. Fast and hard.” “Wouldn’t have it any other way, Blue Boy.” Colonel Curtis and Tom Sizemore fly over the alien crash site. The aliens are like “Don’t hurt us, there is no infection” But Curtis and his Eyebrows of Steel know they’re full of shit, so the military dudes kill all the aliens. The aliens self-destruct their ship and everyone in the Blue Team dies except for Morgan Freeman and Tom Sizemore.

Jonesy/Mr. Gray and Pete are riding on the snowmobile. Pete starts talking about Duddits but Jonesy warns him not to talk about that to the British alien. So Pete says to Mr. Gray, “Bite my bag, motherfucker” and the British alien replies “Okay, I’ll bite. Your bag, and everything else.” Then he turns into a giant alien venus fly trap and eats Pete. Jonesy helplessly watches from the Memory Warehouse. Later, British Alien has made it to the main road, where he waves down a truck and eats the driver. But it happens off screen because they used all their CGI money in that big alien/Blue Team attack scene from a few minutes ago. Then British Alien senses that Jonesy is up to something inside the goddamn Memory Warehouse. Jonesy is moving his files on Duddits and hiding them in his office so Mr. Gray can’t get them. The alien chases him but Jonesy makes it to the secret office which has “SSDD” written on the door, because this “SSDD” thing is significant. Also, Jonesy is still limping even though this all takes place in his mind and that makes no sense. Whatever.

Henry skis down the mountain and meets up with the military dudes. Screen-wipe to the quarantine zone, where Colonel Curtis tells Tom Sizemore “Come with me, I’ll show you things you’ve never seen before” but he’s just showing him some infected people. A few minutes ago Sizemore helped blow up hundreds of aliens who ran into a giant self-destructing space ship. So I don't know what Curtis is talking about. Anyway, Tom Sizemore walks outside and sees Henry and they stare at each other while Henry reads his mind or something. Then Henry looks at Colonel Curtis and is like “What’s up with those eyebrows?”
Curtis and Sizemore go to the Colonel’s office and Curtis talks about how hard it is to kill all these infected people but he’s gotta do it, and he calls Sizemore “Mother Teresa” for questioning whether it’s the right thing. Sizemore goes back outside and talks to Henry, who tells him that Colonel Curtis “has gone insane from hunting aliens for thirty years”. He then quotes Sizemore’s father’s dying words and says if he doesn’t help him, “some interplanetary shit is going to hit the fan.” So Sizemore tells Colonel Curtis about this, and says that Henry is out in the shed so Curtis can go and kill him. Except that he totally Punks Curtis and sends him to the wrong shed on the other side of the base, then Sizemore goes to Henry’s shed and crashes his truck through the wall, then tells Henry to get in. Henry’s like “gee you’re lucky you didn’t kill me” and Sizemore figured that he’d read his mind and know to get out of the way. Sizemore also called Curtis’s superior officer, General Matheson, to come and take over the operation. When Curtis realizes how Sizemore fucked him over, he says out loud, “Okay, [Sizemore]... You just drove over the Curtis Line!”
British Alien gets a flat tire and runs off the road. Meanwhile, Henry & Sizemore are driving towards his general direction. Henry is like “Cool gun, man, can I have a look?” So Sizemore is like “Yeah I guess so” and he gives Henry his gun to play with. Back in the Memory Warehouse, Jonesy is pacing around his secret office, and suddenly a phone appears on his desk. Cut to Henry and Sizemore, and we hear the sound a phone ringing. The ringing is coming from the gun. Henry puts the gun to his head and starts using it like a phone. I’m not making this up. He’s like “Jonesy? Trouble in Massachusetts? We’ll be right there!”
Then Jonesy hangs up on him.
Henry tells Sizemore that they have to go to Derry, Maine and pick up Duddits because he’s the only one who can stop Mr. Gray. He also figures out that Jonesy is the only one who can survive being taken over by Mr. Gray because he died when he got hit by that car 6 months ago. So Duddits set this up or something. Whatever. Anyway, they get to Duddits’ house and Henry mentions that it’s been years since they last saw him. So they never visited him? Henry goes inside and meets old, bald Duddits, who is played by Donnie Whalberg.
His mother tells Henry that Duddits has Leukemia, which seems like something Henry should know already, but whatever. Duddits’ Mother is like “Go save the world” and lets her retarded son leave with Tom Sizemore and this guy who talks into guns. Then Sizemore loads his gun that Colonel Curtis gave to him earlier (he’d taken the bullets out before Henry used it as a phone), and we zoom in on the gun to reveal a tracking device hidden inside it.
Colonel Curtis has a secret room where he’s keeping track of Sizemore’s moves. Now he knows they’re headed to Massachusetts. Back on the road, British Alien waves down another car and kills the driver. But Henry, Sizemore and Duddits are hot on their trail. Duddits mentions “Ishter Gay” and Henry is like “Of course! “Ishter Gay” is Mister Gray!” And we even flashback Duddits saying it as a kid. Duddits says something about water, and Henry is like “Oh my God! Of course! Mr. Grey is going to poison the Boston drinking supply!” So now they know exactly where British Alien is going. Duddits also sends a telepathic message to Mr. Gray and makes him drive off the road. Oh I forgot to mention, Mr. Gray has a dog in the back of the car that he infected earlier, so the dog is pregnant with one of those alien asshole worms.

Back at the quarantine base, Colonel Curtis steals a chopper. In a deleted scene that’s on the DVD, he kills one of soldiers as he escapes and also mentions crossing “The Curtis Line” again, but unfortunately they cut that part out and made him a little less crazy. British Alien is almost at the water supply or whatever, and Jonesy tricks him into crashing his car again. The alien just sucks at driving. Henry, Sizemore & Duddits are almost there too. British Alien carries the pregnant dog into the water supply building while singing a lullaby.
Now he just has to lift up a manhole cover and drop the alien worm inside. Mr. Gray can bite people in half, but he’s having a hard time lifting up this manhole cover.
Sizemore tells Henry to stay in the car while he goes and kills the alien. He starts walking towards the water supply office with a machine gun, when Colonel Curtis suddenly shows up in the chopper and starts firing the chopper’s gatling gun at Sizemore. Why? Because he crossed the Curtis Line, I guess.
Anyway, Sizemore fires back at Curtis with his much smaller gun, and actually ends up taking down Curtis’s chopper with the very gun that Curtis gave to him earlier. Colonel Curtis’s last words are “You son of a bitch!” Then the chopper crashes and he dies.
Sizemore dies too.
Henry picks up Sizemore’s gun and goes to the water supply office. Duddits is still carrying the Scooby-Doo lunch box around and a Scooby-Doo doll, because he is retarded and retards love Scooby-Doo. Mr. Gray’s dog gives birth to the alien worm and it starts slithering towards the water supply, but Henry comes in and fires his gun all over the place until he finally kills it.
Then he thinks he might have to shoot Jonesy because he doesn’t know if Mr. Gray is gone or not. They discuss it while an egg falls out of the dead alien worm, and a little baby worm crawls out of the egg.
Henry tells Jonesy to tell him something that Mr. Gray wouldn’t know, to prove it’s really him. The best thing that Mr. Gray can come up with is “SSDD”, which isn’t good enough. So he asks him about the day they met Duddits, “what was written on the wall?” Mr. Gray struggles to think of the answer, then he says “No bounce...” and suddenly, Duddits enters and finishes for him, “...No play.”
Donnie Whalberg really went Full Retard here. He’s like “We meet again, Ister Gay.” So then the Mr. Gray appears to leave Jonesy’s body and gets ready to fight Duddits. Duddits literally says “Ooby-ooby-doo, we got some work to do now”, then drops his lunch box and marches towards the giant British alien. “Ister Gay, go away” he says, then Mr. Gray impales him with his giant claw.
Duddits isn’t going down like this. He holds up his hands, yells “I Duddits!” And then Duddits morphs into a giant retarded alien.
Retarded Alien and British Alien are fighting while Henry and Jonesy watch, and I guess Duddits infects Mr. Gray or something, then they both explode into a cloud of red dust.
Jonesy and Henry look at each other. The baby worm crawls towards the water supply hole...

Toy Story IV: Toys Don't Cry

2010-06-08T17:54:00.007+10:00

THE TOYS WERE CREATED BY MAN

THEY REBELLED

THEY EVOLVED

THERE ARE MANY COPIES

AND THEY HAVE A PLAN.

A PLAN TO FUCK YOU UP

The year is 2015. A German scientist has invented an experimental cleaning product that will change the world forever. During the testing phase, Dr. Von Schulz sprays the product into the face of a G.I. Joe (TM) to see how it will react. He is shocked to find out that this toy is alive and highly intelligent when it reacts by saying "What the fuck, motherfucker?" The Doc is like "If you're alive, how come you never said anything?" But the toy doesn't answer, he just jumps into the doctor's mouth and crawls into his brain. The doctor is screaming as the G.I. Joe rips out his eyes from the inside of his skull. 28 days later, the airborne virus has infected every toy in the world. The infected toys begin to evolve into super-toys, and overpower the humans. Now the humans are the toys of the toys. The tables have literally turned. They literally flipped the script. The shoe is literally on the other foot. By the way this all happens in one five-minute montage.

Meanwhile, at Andy's House... A pair of Rock-em Sock-em Robots (TM) show up and start pounding on the door. You, the viewer, are shocked to see the door open to reveal none other than Woody and Buzz Lightyear, both of whom are covered in blood. You're like, "Oh no, did they turn on Andy?" The Robots enter the house and Buzz offers them some tea. Robot #1 rejects the tea, and gets down to business. "We're here because we've heard some reports that you're harboring an illegal human in this house", says Robot #1, looking around the room for any incriminating evidence. Woody is like "That is ridiculous, we hate humans just as much as you guys. I mean look us, we're covered in blood! Human blood!" Robot #2 Walks over to Woody and scans him, analyzing the blood. "His story checks out, this is human blood." Buzz is like "Yep, we killed our owner and took over this house long ago... you won't find any humans here. To infinity and beyond, am I right?"

Robot #1 isn't convinced. "I never trusted you two cocksuckers... something just doesn't feel right here. And I'm not leaving until I find out the truth." Woody slowly reaches for his gun, as Robot #2 tries to calm his partner down. "Come on bro, this is the famous Woody & Buzz, if they say they killed their owner, then I believe them." Suddenly, Robot #1 socks Robot #2 in the chest so hard that his head pops off. Woody & Buzz are stunned as Robot #1 forces them to drop their weapons, then tells them he's going to frame them for this toy-on-toy murder. But then he notices that Robot #2's head landed next to a suspicious trap door, so he walks over and rips it out of the floor, revealing Andy hiding underneath the floorboards, alive and well. Robot #1 barely has time to say "I knew it" before Woody & Buzz both attack him from behind and start fighting him. Robot #1 just laughs, "You two pussies really think you can Rock n' Sock ME?" and then punches Woody & Buzz across the room. Robot #1 is about to kill Woody & Buzz once and for all, when his head suddenly explodes. The Robot's headless body drops to the ground, revealing Jessie the Cowgirl holding a shotgun. "Looks like paper beats rock" she says, then tries to explain that it's funny because he's a ROCK-em Sock-em Robot and Woody's like "Yeah but the gun isn't made of paper" and she's like "fuck you"

"We better clean this mess up before any other infected toys see it," says Buzz, a little too late because a Barbie (TM) Doll is looking at them through the window and screaming. Buzz quickly punches his fist through the window, then Woody lassos Barbie and they pull her inside the house. Jessie shoves the shotgun in her mouth and tells her to shut the fuck up as Woody & Buzz tie her to a chair. "We don't have long before more of them show up," says Woody. He then whistles so the rest of Andy's toys come into the room. Woody tells everyone to board up all of the doors and windows and get ready for a fight. "You'll never get away with this," says Barb, "You're all gonna die! You and your precious human boy are all gonna die!" Jessie picks up one of the Rock-em Sock-em Robot's severed arms and uses it to punch Barb in the face, then says "Put a SOCK in it. A Rock-em Sock, that is. Because that was the fist of a Rock-em Sock-em Robot." Oh, that Jessie. The toys all start boarding up the windows and loading up weapons, when that wind-up binoculars toy yells that they're coming. A huge army of infected toys gather outside Andy's house. Everyone goes quiet. This is it. The shit is literally about to go down in Toy Town.

So then there's a big fight and everyone dies except for Woody and Buzz, who are cornered in the basement. "If I have to die with someone, I'm glad it's you, old friend" says Buzz. "Me too, brother. Me too. I'm just glad I didn't get infected." But he spoke to soon, because that Barbie from earlier jumps out of nowhere and bites Woody's leg. She completely tears Woody's leg off as Woody screams in agony and bleeds all over the place. Buzz grabs her and snaps her neck, but it's too late. Woody can feel himself becoming infected. "But you've been immune to the virus until now, how is this possible?" Says Buzz, who then looks at Woody's severed leg, and sees the word "ANDY" written in crayon under his boot. "Of course..." Buzz realizes that it was the crayon that Andy used to write on each of his toys. This is what made them immune to the virus. The crayon. Buzz figured it out. Woody tells Buzz to kill him. "I don't want to become one of them, you need to rip my head off before it's too late." Buzz tells him to hold on, because he has a plan to save them. He picks up two AK-47s and runs out of the basement, shooting his way up to Andy's bedroom. He looks all over the room but can't find Andy's crayons. "Looking for something, Mr. Lightyear?" Buzz turns around to see Mr. Potatohead holding the last of Andy's crayons.

"Mr. Potatohead! I thought you were dead!" "That's what I wanted you to think." Potatohead explains that he knows about how Andy's crayons contain the cure to the virus, and that he's not going to let Buzz save anyone. He tells Buzz that things are better this way. "Goddammit, Potatohead! If you don't hand over that crayon I am going to rip off your arm and make you fist your own asshole!" threatens Buzz. "What happened to you, man? I'm glad your wife isn't alive to see you like this." "You leave Mrs. Potatohead out of this!" Mr. Potatohead angrily jumps at Buzz, which is a dumb move because Buzz easily grabs him and rips his arms and legs and eyes and mouth and nose off and uses Potatohead's own fist to fuck himself in the nose-hole. Then he takes the crayon and runs back to Woody so he can cure him. But it's too late for Woody. Buzz holds his friend in his arms and cries, "You can't die, cowboy. I can't save the world by myself. I'm not the real Buzz Lightyear. I'm just a toy." Woody looks into Buzz's eyes, and with his last breath, tells him "You can do anything. You're not just a toy. Toys don't cry." As Woody finally dies, Buzz's tears drop onto the crayon and create a cure that saves all of the other infected toys or something. A statue is built in Woody's honor. Mr. Potatohead is executed for betraying his own kind. Buzz and Jessie get married and have a son named Woodrow Lightyear.

Iron Man 3: Weekend at Tony's

2010-05-02T19:10:00.003+10:00

Iron Man (A.K.A. Tony Stark) returns home to his mansion after a long night of drinking and banging whores in space. He flies inside and turns on the lights to see that the whole gang is there - Pepper Potts, Jon Favreau, Don Cheadle, Samuel L. Fury... even Professor Charles Xavier from the X-Men. So Iron Man/Tony Stark is like "Hey guys what's up" and they tell him that this is an intervention, they're here to convince him to go to rehab. Tony's like "Fuck you guys, I don't have a problem" and he shoots a hole in the wall with an energy pulse or whatever the fuck he fires out of his hands. Pepper Potts is like "Look at yourself, Tony, you're disgusting. You haven't taken off that Iron Man suit in over six months." Tony picks up a bottle of Jack Daniels, smashes it over his own head and yells "I AM IRON MAN." Professor Xavier of the X-Men speaks up, "Listen, Tony... I know what you're going through. If it weren't for the joys of crack-cocaine, I never would have ended up in a wheelchair. But my super-friends convinced me to get help, and now I haven't touched the stuff since 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: A younger Professor Xavier and Samuel L. Fury are speeding through the city in a Delorean. Xavier is using his mutant abilities to make the cocaine float up into his nose, so he doesn't have to take this eyes off the road. Samuel L. Fury, who has two eyes, is like "Hey motherfucker, we can't all use telekinesis, pass me some a that shit bro" so Xavier takes his eyes off the road for a second to pass him some of that shit, when suddenly some kid on a bike rides in front of the car. Xavier slams on the breaks, but it's too late... Xavier runs the bike kid over, then flies through the windshield. Fury was wearing his seat belt, but the force of the impact was so strong that his eyeball flies out of its socket. Back in the present, Fury is now wearing an eye patch and he's like "and that's why Xavier and I have been sober for 25 years, and why we decided to dedicate our lives to fighting crime or something. I just wish we could go back and save that kid somehow... We never even found out what happened to him..." "Oh, I know what happened to him..." says Tony Stark, mysteriously...

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Tony Stark is riding his bike through the city. The bike is made if iron, this is some clever foreshadowing of Tony's destiny. He receives a phone call from his dad, Howard Stark, on his giant 1985 cell phone. Howard is like "Hello son, meet me at the Iron Factory. I have something important to tell you..." Teenage Tony is all "Okay, dad!" but the second he hangs up the phone, he is run over by the infamous Fury & Xavier in their Delorean. Back in the present, Tony tells everyone, "Because of that accident I never found out what my dad, Howard Stark, was going to tell me. He died under mysterious circumstances later that night. I had to grow a goatee to cover up my facial scars. And worst of all, while recovering in the hospital, I became addicted to morphine. This is all your fault, you old fucks!" Tony raises his iron fists of fury to destroy Fury & Xavier, but his loyal assistant Pepper Potts stops him. She's like "It's not all their fault Tony. There's something else you should know about the events of 1985..."

Flashback to 1985: Teenage Pepper Potts is carrying a huge vat of oil across the street to her dad's garage. Her dad, Howard "Potsie" Potts, yells out to her, "Hey Pepper, be careful with that oil!" But then she trips and spills the oil all over the road. Potsie is like "You better clean that up, I have to meet Howard Stark at the Iron Factory, he has something important to tell me..." Pepper is all "Okay, dad!" but when she goes to get a mop, Xavier & Fury's Delorean drives over the oil slick and hits Teenage Tony on his bike. Xavier crashes through the windshield, and Fury gets out yelling "Where's my mothafuckin' eye?!?" but his eye is stuck in the oil on the road so he can't pick it up. Teenage Tony looks up from the ground at Teenage Pepper, and he's all "Help me... please..." Back in the present, Pepper finishes telling her story, "So that's why I became your assistant, Tony... To try and make up for what I did in 1985." Tony says nothing, so Pepper is like "Dammit, Tony, say something!" and she slaps him in his iron face of fury. Tony (who is still in the Iron Man suit) just falls over. Professor X uses his mind powers and deduces that Tony has suffered a stroke and fallen into a coma. The Iron Man suit is now the only thing that is keeping him alive.

Suddenly, Samuel L. Fury receives a phone call. The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. is coming over for a surprise inspection, and he demands to speak with Tony Stark! How is the gang gonna get outta this one?! Don Cheadle, who hasn't said anything until now, has an idea: "Hey Pepper, you went to Ventriloquist College, right?" "Well, yes," replies Pepper, curiously, "but what does that have to do with anything?" Cheadle explains, "All we have to do is sit Iron Man down in a chair and have you do his voice. You know Tony better than anyone, you must have perfected your Tony Stark impression by now. Go on, give it a shot!" So Pepper uses her powers of ventriloquism to make it seem like Tony is talking: "Hey everybody, my name is Tony and I'm a smug douche with a gay beard! Durrrrr!" Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony just had stroke and he's in a coma and can't hear them making fun of him.

Ten minutes later, the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. arrives at the mansion and rings the doorbell. The gang has just finished setting everything up - Tony is in the Iron Man suit, sitting at the dinner table, Pepper is sitting next to him ready to do his voice, and Professor Xavier is up in the ceiling with a string tied to Tony's arm so he can make it look like his arm is moving. Pepper is about to let the President inside, but before she does, Fury warns her: "The President of S.H.I.E.L.D. wears a mask to conceal his identity. Whatever you do, do not ask him to reveal his secret identity..." After this bizarre warning, she lets the President inside and introduces him to Tony. Everything appears to be going according to plan... At one point the President is like, "Hey Mr. Stark, why don't you remove that iron mask and show me your pretty face" but Pepper-as-Tony just responds with "Hey, why don't you remove your mask!" And the President is like "Hah, I like this kid's moxy!" Pepper gives the thumbs up and winks at Fury because this ruse is going so well, but he only has one eye so he interprets the wink as some kind of weird insult.

The plan went off without a hitch, and now the President is leaving. He thanks Tony for his hospitality, and starts walking towards the door, but Pepper can't help herself. She has to ask him why we wears that stupid mask. Fury furiously shakes his fist of fury and says "Dammit, Potts, I told you not to mention that!" But the President is like, "It's okay, I suppose I can reveal my true identity to you, Pepper. I am, after all... your long-lost father." He takes off the mask to reveal that he is indeed Potsie Potts, whom Pepper hasn't seen since the events of 1985. Flashback to 1985: Potsie Potts arrives at Howard Stark's Iron Factory, to hear what Howard has to tell him that is apparently so important. Howard is like "I thought your daughter, Pepper, was coming" but Potsie explains that she had to clean up an oil slick. Tony also hasn't shown up, since (unbeknownst to Potsie & Howie) he was hit by a car, so Howard decides to tell him about his shocking discovery...

Howard shows Potsie some DNA tests which reveal that Tony is actually Potsie's son, and Pepper's half-brother. Potsie is shocked - "How is this possible???" "It's elementary, my dear Potsie," explains Howard, "because you fucked my wife." "Oh yeah," says Potsie. "Sorry about that broseph." Howard is okay with it, "Don't worry, buddy, I fucked your wife too." "You WHAT?" Potsie picks up a candlestick and beats Howard to death with it. Back in the present, Howard finishes explaining his half-true story. "So then Howard had a heart attack and died, it was pretty crazy you guys. And it was then that I decided to dedicate my life to becoming the President of S.H.I.E.L.D. It was the only way I could protect my two kids, who I love more than anything in the world." Pepper is disgusted, "Dad, you could've had told me about this 25 years ago... I've fucked my brother like a hundred times since then." "Yeah," says Potsie, lighting up a fat joint, "I sure am a sick fuck." Then everybody laughs. It's funny because Tony Stark had another stroke while all this was going on and now he's dead.

Up 2: Up Harder

2010-02-08T18:58:00.001+11:00

Old Man is at his weekly Canasta game with some other old people, when an unexpected telegram arrives for him. He never gets any mail except from Fat Kid, and Fat Kid always uses a special envelope so Old Man knows it's not from him. Old Man puts on rubber gloves to open it, and carefully removes the letter from the envelope. Just as he suspected, it is a ransom note from a terrorist. Fat Kid has been Fat Kidnapped. The note says to fly 10,000 rubies to the top of the Eiffel Tower, or else they're going to throw Fat Kid to his death. These terrorists aren't fucking around. Old Man is so shocked by this terrorism that he has a heart attack. One Week Later... Old Man wakes up in the hospital. Some detectives are standing around him. They need to ask him a few questions, because Fat Kid has been missing for a week. Old Man is at the top of their list of suspects. Old Man is like "How could I have done anything, I've been in a coma for a week" and the police are like "Oh yeah. Never mind." And then they leave, embarrassed that they wasted a week waiting for this old guy to wake up.

After the police leave, Old Man remembers the ransom note from earlier. He realizes that there's no time to tell the police - he needs to get the top of the Eiffel Tower as soon as ASAP. He finds a scalpel and starts cutting into his leg. After he cuts it open we see that he has an emergency supply of balloons in there. He blows up all the balloons and ties them to the hospital, which then floats UP into the air and begins traveling to Paris. Hundreds of people die in the hospital but nobody can stop Old Man because he locked the door to his room. Later, in Paris, Old Man makes it to the Eiffel Tower and tries to land the hospital on top of it, but the tower is pointy so it cuts the building in half, killing everyone inside except for Old Man because he jumps out at the last second and lands on a platform at the top of the tower.

Old Man starts running around the tower, searching for Fat Kid and/or the terrorists. A French mime blocks Old Man's path and starts pulling an invisible rope, but Old Man doesn't have time for this bullshit so he beats the mime to death with his cane. But then he realizes that the mime was just trying to warn him, because there is a terrorist holding a rope standing right next to him, and he ties up Old Man and drags him into a trap door and then to a secret room inside the Eiffel Tower. Fat Kid is in there too, he's tied up with a bunch of terrorists standing around. The leader of the terrorists is like, "Thank you for coming, my old friend..." and he pulls off his mask to reveal that he's Doug the dog from the first movie. Old Man is like "Why did you do it, Doug? I thought you were cool." Doug is like "Shut up-a your face", when suddenly Fat Kid manages to eat through the duct tape covering his mouth. Fat Kid's giant tongue reaches out of his mouth, all the way across the room and licks the back of Doug's head. Some sparks fly out of Doug, and he falls to the floor in pain. A small computer chip falls off head, and Old Man realizes that this is what was controlling Doug the whole time. Fat Kid is like, "See, he's still cool. Good thing I short-circuited the chip with my giant tongue."

Later, Old Man and Fat Kid have escaped. They tied some balloons to the dead mime and are riding his corpse back home. Doug decided to stay in Paris, he couldn't face Old Man and Fat Kid after all the evil deeds he was forced to commit. Fat Kid is like "Thanks for saving me, Old Man, it ended up being easier than I expected!" Old Man replies, "Yes... a little TOO easy." Old Man turns up his hearing aid to the highest possible setting, and hears a ticking sound coming from inside Fat Kid's stomach. He then turns his glasses up to the highest X-Ray setting and sees that Fat Kid has a ticking time bomb inside him, and there's only five minutes left until it explodes. Old Man is faced with a difficult choice: Stay with Fat Kid and support him until he explodes, killing them both, or push Fat Kid off the floating mime so that Old Man can live to die another day. Fat Kid is like "Hey Mr. Old Man, I bought you this friendship bracelet while I was in France!" As soon as Fat Kid gives him the bracelet, Old Man pushes him off the floating mime to his death.

As Fat Kid falls through the air, and Old Man floats away on a French performance artist whom he earlier murdered, they each look back on their lives, thinking about any regrets they may have. Old Man flashes back to when he was a young Old Man, in Bomb Squad Academy. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Old Man! If you don't learn to defuse this bomb, then someday somebody you care about is going to explode! Is that what you want?" Meanwhile, Fat Kid flashes back to his time in Fat Camp. His drill sergeant is yelling at him, "Listen up, Fat Kid! If you don't stop eating, then someday you're gonna eat something that's going to end your fat life! Something like a French time bomb, for example! Is that what you want? You want to eat a time bomb?" Fat Kid keeps falling, understanding that this is all his fault. Old Man keeps floating away, understanding that this is all Fat Kid's fault. Meanwhile, in Paris, Doug the dog can't live with the guilt of everything he's done. He puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger. Old Man returns to his retirement home and continues his Canasta game.

Avatar 2: Jake and the Giant Shark

2010-02-08T11:02:00.010+11:00

Jake Sully and Neteryi are swimming in a river of Unobtanium. Jake is like "It's pretty cool how we preserved this river and brought peace to the planet of Pandora exactly one year ago, am I right?" Suddenly, Natyri gets shot in the neck with a poison dart, and Jake can't see where it came from so he grabs her and swims underwater where he attaches his hair tentacles to a fish so it helps him and Neteri swim away and they hide in a cave. Jake creates an antidote for the poison dart by combining Unobtanium minerals with fish feces, and saves Netyri from the posion. She's like "What the fuck", then she holds up the poison dart and discovers the words "Made in the U.S.A." printed on it. But she can't read English, so she asks Jake what is says and he lies and tells her it says "Made in Pandora". They bring the evidence back to the President of Pandora and deduce that there must be a traitor in their mist. Jake is like "Hey man there ain't no traitor in MY fist" and the President says "I said 'mist', not 'fist', clean the Unobtanium out of your pointy fucking ears" So Jake says "Okay I will" and he goes to the Presidential Bathroom to find some cue-tips or queue-tips or however it's spelled. But when he opens the medicine cabinet, all he discovers is a box of poison darts. Then he flashes back to earlier, and realizes that he saw the president shooting the dart into Netyri's neck.

Jake runs back to the President's office and kicks him out of the window with a spinning roundhouse kick. He falls 20 storey's down and is impaled on the horn of one of those fucked up animals. Jake shows Natiri the evidence that proves the Pandorian President was a traitor. She's like "what the fuck", and looks down at what he thinks are poison darts, but are in fact just a box of those ear-cleaning cotton bud things. That's when they realize that Jake swallowed too much Unobtanium earlier and now he's hallucinating. The Na'vi police come in to arrest him, but he's like "suck my dick" and he dives out the window and lands on that flying dragon thing and they fly away. The Chief of Pandora Police tells Netyri that it's up to her, she's the only one who can catch him now. So she dives out the window and lands on a flying seahorse and starts pursuing Jake through the Pandorian skies.

Eventually Netyri catches up to Jake when he stops for gas. She's like "what the fuck man" but he's still hallucinating like a motherfucker so he throws a boomerang at her and runs away up the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls. Netyri dodges the boomerang in Bullet Time but hesitates before continuing to pursue Jake Sully, because the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls is goddamn forbidden. But then she follows him anyway because what else is she going to do. She sees Jake swimming up a waterfall and lassos him with a tree vine. Jake pulls out his trusty pocket knife and cuts the vine off. But in his drug-addled state, he forgot that all the tree vines in Pandora are alive. The vine that he just sliced in half starts bleeding all over the place and crying for its mommy before it dies in Jake's hands. That tree vine was just one week away from retirement. Jake sees that there's no turning back now, and continues up the mountain. Netyri stops to have a funeral for the tree vine which takes like two hours so by the time she's done, Jake has gotten away.

Later, on the top of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, Jake Sully is trying to start a camp fire. But it's hard because there's so much water on the Mountain of Waterfalls. Also the water is alive and it starts talking to him. The talking waterfall tells Jake that there's a giant shark living up here in the Forbidden Mountain, and by coming up here, he has angered the shark. Now the shark is going to eat all of the Na'vi. So Jake is like "Dear Lord, what have I done?" and he takes a teleportation leaf out of his pocket and uses it to teleport back to Na'vi City. He tells the Mayor that somebody has angered The Giant Shark of the Forbidden Mountain of Waterfalls, and now it wants revenge. Everybody suddenly forgets that Jake killed the President earlier, and start panicking about how they're going to catch this shark. Suddenly, somebody scratches his fingernails across a blackboard. It's the evil Colonel who fought Jake a year ago. The Colonel is like "Y'all know me. Y'know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this fish for you, but it ain't gonna be easy." So the Colonel reveals his plan: He has created an Avatar of a shark that Jake Sully can use. Jake will pretend to be a shark, and convince the other shark not to attack the Na'village.

Jake becomes a shark, and just when the Giant Shark of Waterfall Mountain is about to attack the innocent Na'vi people, Jake is like "Hello, sir, my name is Jake. Jake Sharky. Please stop this senseless violence." Giant Shark is like "What do you mean 'sir'? Clearly I'm a beautiful woman." But to Jake the Shark, all sharks look alike. Jake realizes his racism, and apologizes to Giant Shark. Then they have shark sex under the stars, just when Netyri is returning to town. She sees the two sharks fucking and is like "That is some hot shark sex", not realizing that one of the sharks is her husband. After the sharks finish up, Giant Shark returns to her mountain, promising to leave the Na'vi in peace. She just needed to get laid. Jake tells her he'll call her when he gets home, but he doesn't. Nine months later, Giant Shark has a baby. It's half-shark, half-Na'vi, and half-human. She eats it immediately after giving birth.

Star Trek 2: The Legend of Sulu's Gold

2009-11-30T11:13:00.004+11:00

The Enterprise crew is hanging out one night, play poker. Sulu is winning everybody's Space Credits, and they're all getting pissed off because they didn't expect Sulu to be so good at poker. After several hours of losing, Spock is like "This is illogical, Sulu must be cheating. He is a total cheater." The room goes silent, and Sulu immediately flips over the table and pulls out his gun. "Did you just call me... a cheetah?" Spock doesn't get why Sulu is making such a big deal about this until Kirk whispers to him, "Dude, don't you know that Sulu's whole family was killed by cheetahs?" Spock explains that he actually called him a cheater and not a cheetah, because clearly Sulu is human and not feline, but it's too late because Sulu has already run out of the room crying. Everyone is like "Smooth move, Vulcan" and they tell him to go apologize to Sulu. Spock is like "Fine, I'll go apologize right after I finish this delicious Klingon Juice." Uhura whispers to Spock, "You said you were going to stop drinking so much" and Spock totally snaps at her, "You said you were going to shut the fuck up and suck my dick" which makes things pretty awkward for everyone else in the room. Scotty is so uncomfortable that he beams himself out into space and dies.

Later, Spock drunkenly shows up at Sulu's quarters to apologize. Sulu doesn't open the door when he knocks, so Spock tries to kick it open, but since they're on a spaceship with electronic doors that slide open it doesn't work, even when he uses a Flying Vulcan Kick. So then Spock just smashes open the control panel and hacks into the door controls and forces it to open up. He is about to apologize to Sulu, but before he can an animal claw scratches him across his face. And not just any animal claw, the claw of a cheetah. And the cheetah is wearing Sulu's uniform. Spock is like "Oh my god, you ARE a cheetah!" and the cheetah knocks Spock down and runs away. Spock hits his head on Sulu's statue of Buddha and gets knocked out. The next morning, Spock wakes up in the medical bay and he's all "Sulu is literally a cheetah, he attacked me with his claws last night!" Nobody believes him, especially Bones who is like "I refuse to give medical treatment to this lying motherfucker." Sulu comes into the room and shows Spock an X-Ray that proves he isn't a cheetah. Then Kirk is like "See, old friend? That's why Vulcans shouldn't drink. You lightweight pussy douche." And they all laugh except Spock, as the camera slowly zooms in on Kirk's eye to reveal that he has the eye of the cheetah, the thrill of the fight, rising up to the challenge of our rival.

That night, the crew are playing poker again. Someone asks where Uhura is, and Spock explains, "She said she didn't want to be around me when I drink Klingon Juice. Chicks, right?" Meanwhile, Kirk is winning everyone's money tonight, which Spock finds highly suspicious. He logically deduces that the cheetah must have transferred from Sulu's body into Kirk's body. He shares this theory with the others and they're all "Okay, whatever Drunky, go back to Drunktown." Spock says he'll prove that Kirk is really a cheetah, and all of sudden he grabs Kirk and starts making out with him. Everyone in the room is like "what the fuuuuck" and Chekov beams himself into space to escape the awkwardness. He was already wearing a spacesuit, so he survives, unlike Scotty whose frozen corpse floats right past Chekov. Back at the poker table, Spock and Kirk finally stop making out and Spock yells, "See? That proves he's a goddamn cheetah! Look at him!" But Kirk just looks normal, and he throws his cards down on the table. He wins again, this time with two pairs, and Bones is like "Yeah, two pairs of Vulcan balls in your mouth" Then everyone laughs except for Spock who realizes that the joke is highly illogical since Vulcans only have three testicles.

After the homoerotic space poker tournament, Spock goes to Uhura's room to try and prove that he isn't gay for Kirk. But Uhura isn't there. It's the cheetah, back for revenge. The cheetah shoots a laser net out of its eyes, which traps Spock so he can't escape. Spock is all "Dammit, who ARE you?" and the cheetah finally explains... He is Cheetro, the shape-shifting cheetah from planet Cheeton, and he has come aboard the Starship Enterprise to beat everyone at poker and start a new race of Cheetah/Vulcan hybrids. They will be called Cheecans. "You'll never get away with this, Cheetro!" yells Spock, but Cheetro isn't worried. "Please, Mr. Spock. I'm not a Science Fiction villian. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I stole your semen 35 minutes ago." Spock is shocked: "So that was YOU jerking me off under the poker table! Damn you, Cheetro!"

"Anyways," says Cheetro, "Now that I've explained all that I just have to KILL YOU. Mwa ha ha ha!" Suddenly, Chekov crashes through the window on the back of Scotty's frozen corpse. Cheetro gets sucked into space but Spock is protected by the laser net. As Cheetro floats away he's like "Nooooo! Hoisted by my own petard!" Later that night, the Enterprise gang are all playing poker again, including Scotty, who Bones manged to resuscitate, but he still has severe brain damage from being in the vacuum of space for so long. Chekov keeps winning hand after hand, and Spock is once again suspicious, and is about to accuse Checkov of being a cheetah. But then he notices that he's actually reading a book called "How to Cheat at Poker, Vegas-Style." And Chekov pronounces it "Wegas-style". Everybody laughs at this, including Spock, because he is drunker than any Vulcan in the history of the universe. He has a serious drinking problem.

Frost/Nixon 2: Deep Freeze

2009-09-01T10:24:00.004+10:00

We open in Frost's Lair, where the famous Mr. Frost sits on his gigantic Ice Throne, stroking his kitty, Princess Popsicle. A man with a bag over his head is dragged into the room by some of Frost's minions, then they pull the bag off to reveal that the man is Richard M. Nixon. Nixon is all beat up and is missing an arm for some reason. Frost is like "Hammer time!" then picks up an Ice Hammer and smashes it in Nixon's face. He's like "You thought you were gonna get away with it, didn't you, Nixy-Boy?" Nixon doesn't say anything, he just spits blood at Frost. One of the minions breaks a stalagmite off the floor and holds it to Nixon's throat. "You want me to kill him now, boss?", he asks, but Frost calls him off. "No, this one's mine," says Frost, "I should've done this a long time ago..." He picks up his Radioactive Ice Gun and points it at Nixon. "Any last words, Chief?" he says, while loading a power crystal into the magnetic particle chamber. Nixon finally speaks: "Yeah, Frosty... I'll see you in Hell." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he aims the gun at Nixon's face and pulls the trigger.

48 HOURS EARLIER. Frost/Nixon are on Nixon's private yacht, sipping martinis and doing cocaine. Nixon is like "I'm sure glad we became friends after that interview a few years ago, Frosty" and Frost agrees, "Yeah me too, Dick, you sure know how to party!" Nixon puts down the cocaine bowl for a second and gets real: "Let's agree, that no matter what happens, we'll remain best BFF's forever." A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he removes a switchblade from his pocket. Nixon's bodyguards are like "What the fuck" but Nixon tells them to stand down, because he trusts him. Frost cuts open his pinky finger and then does the same to Nixon. Then they suck each other's pinkys. The bodyguards are creeped out, because it's pretty weird. Frost is like "We are now Blood Brothers" and then they continue doing cocaine while some strippers come out and blow them.

Later that night, Frost/Nixon are still out at sea getting fucked up. Nixon's assistant (Kevin Bacon) comes over and he's like "It's time to go back, sir" and Nixon reluctantly agrees, "Okay, party pooper, let's turn this cocksucker around." Kevin Bacon turns the boat around and crashes right into a giant fucking iceberg, and the boat starts getting sucked into a whirlpool or something. Also a storm just started so it's really dramatic with lightning and shit. Kevin Bacon's like "Come on Mr. President, we have to get to the life boat!" But Nixon won't go because he's hanging on to Frost who has fallen over the edge of the boat and is getting sucked into the mystical iceberg whirlpool. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he yells "You have to let me go, old friend, save yourself!" and Nixon's like "No! Never! We are Blood Brothers!" Then out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon cuts off Nixon's arm with a chainsaw, forcing him to let go of Frost, who falls to his supposed death under the sea. Nixon is like "NOOOOOOOOO" but Kevin Bacon says he did it for his own good. After crying for a minute, Nixon says he understands. Then he pulls out Frost's switchblade and stabs Kevin Bacon in the neck. He throws Bacon into the sea and then gets into the life boat and drives away from this clusterfuck by himself, leaving all the bodyguards and strippers behind.

Frost wakes up under the sea, in a mystical ice cave, surprised to find out that he's alive. Kevin Bacon is there too, but he's bleeding all over the place. Frost notices that he has been stabbed in the neck with the switchblade that he (Frost) gave to his Blood Brother (Nixon) earlier. He's like "Why would my Blood Brother do this to you?" And then Kevin Bacon reveals the shocking truth... this whole thing was part of Nixon's plan to kill Frost. But Kevin Bacon being killed wasn't part of the plan, so that's why he's like "fuck Nixon" now. Then Kevin Bacon dies. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek, as he holds Kevin Bacon in his arms. "I can't believe my Blood Brother would betray me like this. I will avenge your death, Kevin Bacon... Mark my words, Mr. Frost will have his revenge."

Now we're back in the first scene, after Frost has captured Nixon and had his minions drag him into the Ice Cave. He holds up the Ice Cannon and pulls the trigger. But then it is revealed that he didn't shoot Nixon at all, he actually shot all of his minions. It only took one shot to kill all of them because this Ice Gun uses special power crystals from the planet Jupiter. A single tear rolls down Frost's cheek as he tosses the gun aside. Nixon is like "Why didn't you kill me, Frosty?" Frost sits down in his Ice Throne and sighs, "I can't do it, old chum... You're my Blood Brother." Suddenly, Kevin Bacon crawls out from behind the throne, covered in blood. Turns out he actually didn't die yet. He points a gun at Nixon and says, "I ain't nobody's fuckin' Blood Brother" then he fires at the former President. Frost is like "Nooooooooooooo" and jumps in front of Nixon in slow motion, taking the bullet for him. Kevin Bacon's like "Dammit" because he only had one bullet. Then Kevin Bacon dies.

A single tear rolls down Nixon's cheek as he cradles Frost in his arm (because he only has one, remember). "It's all gonna be okay, Frosty," cries Nixon, "It's all going to be okay..." but the bullet hit Frost right in the fucking brain, so he's already dead. "I'll never forget you, Blood Brother..." Nixon sucks on Frost's pinky one last time. Suddenly, one of Frost's Ice Minions walks into the cave, all "Sorry I'm late" and sees that every other minion is dead, and one-armed Former President Richard Nixon is kneeling on the floor with dead David Frost's pinky finger in his mouth, crying like a baby. The minion is like, "This is too fucked up" and just shoots himself in the face. ONE WEEK LATER... Nixon returns home to his golden mansion. He goes over the fireplace and looks at a photo of him and Frost doing cocaine and fucking strippers, and smiles, remembering the good times. Then, out of nowhere, Kevin Bacon walks in from another room with bags on his feet like Mark Whalberg in The Departed. He shoots Nixon in the head and his body falls into the fireplace. Kevin Bacon lights him on fire, then he sits down in Nixon's chair and dies.

Phone Booth II: Call WEIGHTing

2009-08-12T11:02:00.004+10:00

Colin Farrell is riding to his house on a motor scooter, carrying several boxes of jelly donuts. He has gotten really fat since the events of Phone Booth I, and now he only leaves the house to get food. He drives past an alley and hears a woman screaming for help. Hesitantly, Colin stops his scooter and peeks around the corner, and witnesses a gang member about to rape the woman. Colin throws a donut at the rapist and then Rapey gets scared and runs away. But he's already stabbed the woman in the arm so she needs medical assistance. Colin takes out his mobile phone to call 911, but he can't get a signal in that area. But there is a phone booth right next to the alley. Colin could either use that phone booth, or let the innocent woman die. Colin starts crying, "Sorry, lady, I can't do it" and speeds away. Cut to later, Colin is sitting on his bed naked, eating donut after donut, and watching the news. That woman in the alley died, and now police are on the lookout for a fat donut-eating fuck on a scooter, who was witnessed crying and eating donuts at the scene.

Fat Colin Farrell rides his scooter down the police station to turn himself in, and he is arrested and sent to prison. The prison guard is like "Okay, tubby, here's your cellmate... this guy's a real sick fuck, just like you." and the cellmate turns around to reveal that he is Kiefer Sutherland, the infamous Phone Booth Killer. Kiefer's like "I call top bunk" and Colin starts screaming. Kiefer calms him down, explaining that his Phone Booth Killing days are over, and that he confessed his crimes so that he could turn over a new leaf. Then he gives Colin a donut. Later that night, Colin wakes up and sees Kiefer digging a hole in the wall with a spoon. During the day, the hole is covered by a poster of Zac Efron. Colin's like "What the fuck are you doing, Keefs" and Kiefer quickly puts his hand over Colin's mouth and holds the spoon to his throat. "I'm escaping, lardo. I've been planning this for months, and you're the final part of the plan..." Colin doesn't understand, and Kiefer's like "Remember that donut you ate earlier?" We see a flashback to when he gave him the donut, and a close-up reveals that it's not really a donut at all, it's a piece of the prison cell wall, covered in sprinkles. Kiefer is going to escape by digging away the wall and feeding the pieces to Colin Farrel so the guards won't suspect a thing.

The next day in the lunch line, some guy tries to shiv Colin Farrell because his morbid obesity offends him. But Kiefer defends Colin by blocking the dude's shiv with a lunch tray and then decapitating him. Then he takes that dude's lunch and gives it to Colin, so now Colin has two lunches. Colin is like "Thanks, man." "No problem, pal," says Kiefer, "Just make sure you save room for that cement wall I'm digging out later tonight." The Prison Snitch overhears this, and runs to tell the Warden. The Warden is like "That's fucking stupid" and puts the snitch in The Hole for lying. Later that night, Kiefer Sutherland is romantically feeding Colin Farrell pieces of the cell wall. Then they hear a guard coming, so Kiefer's like "Quick, pretend we're making out" so they start making out and the guard sees them and is like "Yep, nothing suspicious going on here." After the guard leaves, Kiefer's like "Your breath tastes like cement, you disgusting fat piece of shit."

The following morning, Kiefer and Colin wake up after a night of hot, steamy lovemaking. Colin is lying on top of Kiefer and he's like "I see now why they call you the Phone Booth Killer. And by 'Phone' I mean 'Fat' and by 'Booth' I mean 'Cock' and by 'Killer' I mean 'Sucker'." Kiefer doesn't respond. Colin continues talking, "Anyways, I'm almost done eating that wall, so tonight we escape, buddy." Kiefer still says nothing, and that's when Colin realizes that he tragically crushed him to death under his fat, cement-filled body. Colin's like "Noooooooooo" and crawls into the hole in the wall and eats the rest of the way out. He then waddles his way to the prison fence and starts climbing it. But the fence is electrified, and it fries the shit out of Colin, causing him to explode. Pieces of blubber and cement rain down all over the prison, killing dozens of innocent prisoners. Later, a doctor is doing an autopsy of Kiefer Sutherand. His finishes up his report, "If only the fat guy didn't eat all that cement, these two homos could've fucked all night long and lived happily ever after."

Ferris Bueller's Night Off

2009-08-07T09:46:00.009+10:00

Ferris Bueller is now a security guard, working the night shift at a history museum. One night, his boss calls him and he's like "Bueller, I need you to work one hour longer tonight. And make sure nobody steals the Diamond of Hope, because the Vice President of Egypt is coming in tomorrow to check it out." One hour longer? You think Ferris Bueller is going to stand for that? Hell no, he's taking the night off. Ferris sets up a tape recorder and a mannequin in a security guard outfit at the front desk, then gets ready to hit the town. On the way out, he calls his buddy Cameron. Ferris is like "Hey man, we need to borrow your dad's car again." Cameron's like "Ferris, it's 1:30 AM, what the fuck? We're 45 years old. We have our own cars." Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so tight, that if you stuck the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the Vice President of Egypt would be happy because it'd just make the Diamond more valuable." Cameron's like "What? That doesn't even make sense. Now stop calling me, I have to take my daughter to ballet practice in the morning." Ferris is like "See you in 10 minutes", and hangs up the phone. Meanwhile, Ed Rooney has been watching all this from the bushes and taking notes. He doesn't have any reason to be following Ferris, he's just a crazy old lunatic.

Cameron is getting dressed to go out with Ferris. Mrs. Cameron isn't too happy about this, because she thinks Ferris is a bad influence on him, but Cameron promises he'll only be gone for like half an hour. Boy, is he wrong. Dead wrong. Cameron goes outside, and Ferris is already in his car. He's like "Hey man, I just hot-wired your dad's Ferrari!" Cameron's like "That's my Ferrari! I saved my money for 20 years to buy it!" Ferris says to the camera, "Cameron is so fucking tight, that if he ate the Diamond of Hope, he'd shit out 25 mini-Diamonds of Hope, and personally save Egypt's economy. The Vice President of Egypt would make him an honorary Egyptian." Cameron's like "I'm not that tight. Who are you even talking to?" Meanwhile, Crazy Ed Rooney is still watching from the bushes. He makes a phone call to Ferris's Sister and tells her that her brother isn't really sick at all, he's just skipping work. She threatens to call the police if he ever calls her again, and hangs up on him. Rooney cries.

Ferris and Cameron are driving to the city in Cameron's Ferrari. That "BOMP BOMP chick-chicka" song is playing. Ferris is like, "Here's the plan, we're gonna call my girlfriend, Sloane Peterson, and you're gonna pretend to be her dad so we can get her out of work." Cameron gets all serious and he's like, "Dude... Sloane died of a drug overdose 12 years ago." Ferris looks at the camera and says, "Cameron is so motherfucking tight, that if the Vice President of Egypt stuck his hand up his ass to search for the Diamond of Hope, his Egyptian hand would get stuck in there and they'd have to amputate it. Then the Vice President of Egypt would only have one hand." Cameron is speechless. Ferris stops the car outside a strip club, and gives Cameron his phone. "This is where she works. Now call her up and pretend to be George Peterson." Also, Ed Rooney has strapped himself to the bottom of the car like in Cape Fear or whatever. But the car went ever a speed bump on the way to the strip club and knocked Rooney unconscious. He might have brain damage.

Meanwhile, back at the museum, a pair of masked diamond thieves are about to break in by cutting a hole in the glass. But when they try to cut into it with their special laser, it sets off Ferris's tape recorder/mannequin contraption, and the mannequin points a flashlight at the thieves and says "Who goes there?" Then the tape rewinds itself because that's the only phrase Ferris recorded. The thieves are like "Holy shit, the Vice President of Egypt can keep his stupid diamond! Let's get outta here!" and they run away.

Cameron calls the strip club and tells the manager that he wants to speak to his daughter, Sloane. The manager's like "Okay, she gets off stage in 5 minutes." 5 minutes later, Sloane picks up the phone, all "Daddy, is it really you?" It isn't the real Sloane, it's a stripper who happens to be named Sloane. Her father abandoned her when she was 8 years old, and she's been waiting for this phone call ever since. But Cameron isn't really her father, and when she comes outside and sees Ferris sitting there, she's like "You again? I told you to leave me the fuck alone!" A bouncer comes out of the club and he's like "Is there a problem here?" and Sloane tells him that these two cocksuckers are harassing her, so the bouncer grabs Cameron and punches him several times in the face. He then kicks Ferris in the chest, breaking two of his ribs, and makes him bite the curb. Just then, Ed Rooney jumps out of the shadows and points a gun at the bouncer. He's like "Let him go, motherfucker. This one's mine..."

Later, Ferris and Cameron are being driven home by Rooney in the Ferrari. Ferris is like "Thanks for your help back there, Mr. Rooney. You saved both our asses." Rooney's like "Speaking of asses, Cameron is so tight, that if we were in the Bizarro Universe and you shoved the Diamond of Hope up his ass, the diamond would turn into coal, because we're in the Bizarro Universe and things are backwards." Ferris smiles, "Yeah, I said the same thing earlier! You're alright, Rooney. You're alright." Ferris and Rooney both laugh, while Cameron cries in the back seat. After Ferris & Rooney drop Cameron off at home, Cameron packs up all of his family's shit so they can movie far away from this town. Ferris & Rooney steal Cameron's Ferrari, but Cameron doesn't say anything, he just wants to get rid of them. Ferris gets back to the museum just before the Vice President of Egypt shows up to view the Diamond of Hope. He and Rooney shake hands, then Rooney walks into the bushes and fades away, his work here is done. Ferris puts his security guard uniform back on and sits down at the front desk. He smiles at the camera, then coughs up some blood because he got the shit kicked out him a few hours ago and is still bleeding internally. Chick-chickaaa.

The Fugitive II: Tunnel of Love

2009-08-03T11:01:00.008+10:00

Dr. Kimble (Harrison Ford) is now working as a Private Investigator who specializes in tracking down one-armed wife-murderers. But only at night; By day, he's still a lowly surgeon. One morning, Kimble is getting ready to go to work, when there's a knock at the door. It's Joe "Joey Pants" Pantoliano, one of Tommy Lee Jones's deputies. He's like "We meet again, Mr. Kimble" and then goes on to explain what has happened: Tommy Lee Jones has allegedly killed his wife, Mrs. Lee Jones, and is now a fugitive, and the US Marshals need Kimble's help to track him down. Kimble is all "Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a detective" and he also doesn't believe that TLJ would ever kill his wife, because he has hung out with him a few times since the events of The Fugitive I, and he's a pretty okay guy. We see a flashback showing Kimble and Jones chilling on the front porch, having a few beers, and Jones is like "Y'know, Kimble, I would never kill my wife." Back in the present, Pants goes on to say that TLJ claimed his wife was really killed by a no-armed man. This piece of information gets Kimble's attention, and he's like "I'll go put on my detective clothes..." Then he walks into another room, and while he's in there he picks up a framed photo of TLJ. Talking to the photo, he says "Well, well, Mr. Lee Jones... Looks like the hunter has become... The Fugitive."

Meanwhile, Tommy Lee Jones is waiting by a pay phone, wearing a fake mustache. The phone rings and TLJ is told by someone that Dr. Kimble is on the kase. I mean case. TLJ is like "Shit, dawg... this shit just got real." Then he thanks the mysterious caller and hangs up. Just then, Joey Pants and Dr. Kimble drive by and Kimble's like "Hey, that guy on the phone looked a lot like TLJ, except with a mustache." Pants replies, "Well, Tommy would never grow a mustache. Trust me." We see a flashback showing Pants and Jones chilling in the police station, having a few brewskis, and Pants is like "Hey Tommy, I think you'd look pretty good with a mustache." Tommy replies "Fuck you, faggot. Go fuck yourself with a mustache up your ass." Back in the present, Pants continues, "That guy really hates mustaches..." But Kimble is too smart, so he figures out that TLJ is wearing a fake mustache because it's what everybody would least expect. He tells Pants to turn the car around, but Pants doesn't buy his theory, he's like "Look at the evidence, Kimble" So Kimble just says "Look at THIS evidence" then gives Pants the finger, jumps out of the moving car, rolls along the ground, then gets up and starts chasing after TLJ. Pants is totally shocked because he did not expect that.

Kimble chases TLJ for a while until they both end up in the sewers with the really big tunnels. TLJ runs until he gets to the edge of the dam or whatever where all the water pours out. You know what I mean. Kimble points a gun at him and is all "Turn around and put your hands on your head, fugitive!" and TLJ is like "I didn't kill my wife, I was set up!" After a dramatic pause, Kimble says "I don't care." TLJ is like "Really? I thought you would, since the same thing happened to you. And then we ended up in this exact same situation. I figured you'd at least understand my position." Kimble realizes that Jones is right, and decides to help him track down the No-Armed Man who killed his wife. Then Joey Pants catches up to them and he's like "What are you guys talking about" and Kimble says "THIS is what we're talking about" and gives him the finger again. Then Kimble and Jones jump out of the edge of the sewer tunnel thing and fall down the waterfall to their deaths. Just kidding. They didn't die. In fact, Kimble had retractable wings built into his detective suit, so he uses those to glide to safety. Jones, however, falls all the way down and breaks both of his legs.

Later, Kimble has just finished building Jones a wheelchair out of bark and leaves, because he can't walk now. Jones is like "Although I am sad about the devastating murder of my beloved wife, I am glad that these events have brought us together again, old friend." "As am I, my good chum" replies Kimble. Then they continue escaping. Meanwhile, Joey Pants has put out an APB on what the media has dubbed "The Fugitive Brothers". The Commissioner is like "Damn those Fugitive Brothers!!!" because nobody is able to catch them. They're too good at not being caught. But unfortunately for The Fugitive Brothers, they're not good enough to find the No-Armed Man. Whoever killed Mrs. Jones was a real pro. Mr. Jones is like "well, we've been looking for a year now, and I guess we're never going to find him. Looks like my wife will have to remain in purgatory or something. Anyway, thanks for trying, buddy" and he shakes Kimble's hand. But he shakes it too hard and all of a sudden, Kimble's whole arm comes off! Then Jones grabs his other arm and pulls that one off too! Kimble's like "I can explain, this isn't what it looks like" and that's when Tommy Lee Jones realizes that all this time, Kimble had two fake arms, just like the guy who killed his wife. Pretty weird coincidence.

The Thing 2: The Last Thing of Scotland

2009-07-27T09:56:00.006+10:00

The Thing in The Thing killed everyone except Kurt Russell (and another guy but I don't know his name). A few days later a rescue team shows up and finds Kurt alive, because he survived by eating the Other Guy. But Kurt doesn't tell them that he became a cannibal. He tells them about The Thing, and how it killed everyone. The rescue team just thinks he's crazy, and he gets sent to an asylum for the criminally insane. Over the next few months, Kurt is put through electro-shock therapy and eventually forced to believe that the events of the The Thing all happened in his mind and there's no such thing as Things. He breaks down and starts crying in the middle of a group therapy session and all the other crazy people group hug him. Then the camera pans up, and up, and fucking UP into space for ten minutes until it stops at a distant alien planet. This is Planet Thing, home of The Things. And right in the middle of the planet is a giant statue of Kurt Russell.

One year later, back on Earth, Kurt Russell is released from the Crazy House. Some kid rides past him on a tricycle, then stops for a second and yells "Hey, fuck you, Krazy Kurt!" then rides away. Kurt yells "No, fuck YOU", but he waited too long before saying it so the kid was too far away to hear him. Also he says it right when a gang of teenage street-punks are walking past, so they thing (I mean think) Kurt was talking to them. The Punk Leader is like "What'd you just say, old man?" and he pulls out a switchblade. Kurt's like "No, I wasn't talking to you" but these rapscallions don't believe him. They start pushing him around, and Kurt's like "Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" but they keep pushing him, which makes him angry. So Kurt is forced to kick all their asses. Then he steals a skateboard that one of them was carrying and skates away.

Now there's a montage of Kurt Russell building something. We can't tell what he's building yet, but whatever it is, it's big. The street punks show up and they're like "Hey old man!" and Kurt turns around, thinking they're back for round two, because it looks like Punk #1 is reaching for his switchblade again. But they're just like "Looks like you could use some help" and Punk#1 pulls out a hammer instead of a switchblade. They help him build, because now they respect him. One week later, they've finished building and one punk is like "So what is this, old man?" And we finally see that they have built a space ship. It looks exactly like the one from The Thing, because Kurt was just putting on an act the whole time he was in the asylum. He was just waiting to get out so he could travel to Planet Thing and get revenge on the Things that killed his buddies. He gets into the ship and flies away.

One light year later, the USS Krazy Kurt makes a crash landing. Kurt steps out and says "Finally, here I am on Planet Thing." But we saw Planet Thing earlier so we know he isn't really there. There's a sign right next to him that says "Welcome to Loch Ness", Kurt reads it and is like "What a strange language these aliens have." Then he starts killing everyone he sees, because he thinks that they're Things. In what is later known as the Kurt Russell Massacre, he brutally murders over 300 people before a police sniper takes him down with a bullet to the chest. Kurt is almost dead, but he is still able to crawl back into his space ship and start the self-destruct sequence. He pulls out a bottle of whiskey that he had been saving for this special occasion, and looks at a photo of him and his friends who were killed by The Thing in The Thing. "I did it..." he says, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "I saved the world."

The Usual Suspects Part II: The Hunt for Keyser Soze

2009-07-09T15:02:00.001+10:00

The Detective has just realized that (spoiler alert for US1) Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Soze, and he's totally pissed that Spacey Punk'd him this whole time. He runs out of the Police Headquarters to see Soze and his wife, Mrs. Soze, driving away. It's too late for him to do anything. Or is it? Detective Johnson punches some guy off his motorcycle, then jumps on it and starts chasing after the Sozes. He drives up next to the Sozemobile and yells "Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Spacey... or should I say, Mr. Sozey?" and Keyser's like "what i can't hear you" because they're still driving. The Detective holds up his badge and demands that Mrs. Soze pull over the car immediately. Mr. Soze is like "What's the big idea, copper? I'm not Keyser Soze, I'm just that crippled guy. Gee Whiz, mister!" But his wife knows that the jig is up, so she swerves the car into Detective Johnson and tips over his motorcycle, causing him to skid off the road and into a cafe, killing many innocent bystanders. As the Sozes continue to speed away from Detective J, Keyser's like "Jeepers, babycakes, what'd you do that for? I had that cop wrapped around my little fake-crippled finger, I did!" She just punches him the face and tells him to shut up. Then she pulls of her wig to reveal her true identity, and says "I don't need Detective Johnson discovering my true identity..." Keyser Soze is shocked, but we don't see her face yet so we don't know her true identity.

Meanwhile, back at the cafe where Detective J crashed his bike and killed 7 people who were just minding their own business and drinking some coffee, the good detective climbs up out of the pile of corpses that cushioned his impact and saved his life. He looks down the road and can just make out the Sozemobile in the distance as they drive over the horizon. Then he pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and looks at it. It is tracking the Sozemobile. We quickly see a slow-motion flashback of Detective J placing a tracking device onto the car when he was driving next to it earlier. Detective J is like "I'm gonna get you, Keyser Soze... I'm gonna hunt you down like the dog that you are. Because I hunt dogs. I swear on my partner's grave that you will pay..." Because his partner was one of the people who died in that cafe a minute ago. Then a motorcycle cop drives up and is like "Holy shit balls, Detective Johnson! This looks like one goddamn fucking hell of a cunt-fucking clusterfuck! I better call this into the station!" But when he picks up the radio to call it in, Detective Johnson hits him with a Karate chop to the throat, rendering him unconscious. Then he steals his bike and drives away while AC/DC's "Back In Black" starts to play.

Cut to the Soze Safe House, where Keyser is changing out of his fake-cripple clothes that he wore while he was in disguise as Kevin Spacey. So now he's wearing all black, and he's like "It feels so good to be back in black." The song is still playing when he says that. Then suddenly there's a record scratch and the song stops. Mrs. Soze (who is wearing a wig again so we still don't know her True Identity) comes out of the other room and shoves him to the floor. He's like "what the fuck is your problem", then all of a fucking sudden someone starts firing guns into the room. It's Detective Johnson, who is standing outside with a Tommy Gun in each hand and smoking a cigar. Keyser Soze yells "I thought this was supposed to be a safe house, but it's more like an UN-safe house, am i right!?" and his wife says "what i can't hear you" - this is a callback to earlier when they were driving. Keyser is relieved that she didn't hear him because it was a pretty lame joke that he regretted as soon as it came out of his mouth.

Outside, Detective Johnson has finally run out of ammo. He yells out "Hey Soze, I know you're in there! Come out and face me like the dog you are!" Soze yells back "You're the fucking dog, why don't you suck my dick!" And Johnson replies "You'd like that wouldn't you, Gay-zer Soze!" Then he waits for Keyser to yell something back, and when he doesn't the detective yells "What's the matter, Mr. Soze? Cat got your tongue?" But really the Sozes just escaped out the back door of the safe house and are running away through the desert. It takes Johnson like five minutes to realize this, then he gets back on his motorcycle to chase after them, but it won't start. While Johnson was busy shooting into the safe house, someone poured sugar in the gas tank. "Damn you, Keyser Soze!!!" he yells, but then he notices a trail of sugar leading from his bike into the bushes. He throws a grenade into the bushes, thinking he'll kill Keyser Fucking Soze. But Keyser isn't there, it's just some random fat kid. Johnson is shocked that he just murdered an innocent fat kid, and he's like "Why did you do it, fat kid? Why did you make me kill you?" The fat kid says "Because... Keyser Soze is my father..." then he dies. Also the fat kid has a cheeseburger in one hand that he was eating before he died. Johnson steals the tasty burger and takes a bite, then he says, "Tastes like vengeance." The fat kid's like "That's my burger you fat fuck", then he REALLY dies.

AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" starts playing. We see the Sozes driving on a highway. Keyser says "Man, it feels like we're on a highway to Hell." The song continues as we see a montage of Detective Johnson pursuing the Sozes, and every time they think they're safe, Johnson is one step behind them, eating a cheeseburger. The song fades out as the Sozes pull into a gas station. Keyser's like "I haven't seen that detective in hours, I just gotta buy a hotdog then we'll get back on the road." Mrs. Soze says "Okay but hurry up, I don't want anyone to discover my True Identity." Keyser enters the gas station and picks up a hotdog. Then he realizes that he left his wallet back at the safe house, and figures that he's already a mastermind criminal so he may as well add "hotdog theft" to his list of crimes. But then as he's leaving the clerk is like "Hey buddy, is that a hotdog in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" They both laugh at this hilarious joke, then the clerk says "Seriously though, you better pay for that." There is an awkward silence for 30 seconds as Keyser thinks about his next move, being the calculated genius that he is. Then he pulls the hotdog out of his pocket and eats it. "Pay for what?" He says, then starts walking out of the place with a stupid fucking smirk on his face.

The clerk has tears in his eyes. He can't believe what just happened. He flashes back to 5 years ago, when a criminal stole a hotdog and used it to beat his wife to death. Then he's like "No, not again" and he jumps over the counter and runs at Keyser Soze. At that very moment, Detective Johnson crashes through the widow and also runs at Keyser Soze. Keyzer jumps into the air at just the right time, so the clerk and the detective run into each other. As they're both lying unconscious on the floor, Keyser realizes this is his big chance. He steals all the hotdogs in the place and runs back to the car. He jumps in and tells Mrs. Soze to cheese it, because the guy who's been chasing them for the last 2 weeks is inside the goddamn gas station. She tries to drive away, but the car won't start. Then they look out the window and notice that someone has poured sugar in the gas tank. Keyser dips a hotdog in the sugar and then eats some of it. Then Detective Johnson shoots him in the hand and makes him drop the rest of the sugar-gas-hotdog.

Keyser Soze is screaming because he just got his hand blown off. He yells out to Mrs. Soze to help him, but she panics and is like "No! He can't know my True Identity!" and she just speeds away in the Sozemobile, leaving Keyser to bleed all over the place with his hotdogs. Detective Johnson walks over and shoots off his other hand. "Let's see you eat hotdogs now, like the hot dog that you are." But Keyser isn't really hungry anymore. He's all "How did you do it, Detective? How did you defeat me?" Detective Johnson replies, "Let's just say... I had a little help from a fat friend." The fat kid from earlier looks out from behind the bushes, holding a bag of sugar, and he and Johnson wink at each other. I guess he didn't die after all. Johnson picks up a hotdog and throws it to Fatty. "Here, Fat Kid," he says, "Go have yourself a snack. You don't wanna see what I'm about to do." "Okay, mister. I love you." Says Fat Kid, and he walks away into the sunset, chewing on his Hotdog of Love.

Run Lola Run II: Lola Goes Bananas

2009-06-16T09:10:00.009+10:00

It's been 20 years since the events of Run Lola Run. Lola's boyfriend is dead now and she has an 18 year old daughter named Lalo. Lalo likes to "Lay low" if you know what I mean. Lola is now retired from running and she owns a restaurant. It's like Rocky Balboa except she's a runner and not a boxer. One night, two punk kids come into the restaurant and rob everybody at gunpoint. They put all the money and shit into a bag and run away. Someone's like "Run, Lola, run! You have to stop them!" so she starts chasing the punks. Punk #1 sees her and is like "Holy shit, it's the famous Running Lola! We better cheese it!" So Lola's chasing them for a few minutes, and she almost catches up to them, but then she has to stop and throw up. She sits down on the curb and tries to catch her breath. She's like 50 years old now so come on, of course she didn't catch them. Then some random kid walks up to her and says "Look at you, Lola. You used to be somethin'. Now you're nothin' but a bum in the streets." Then that kid walks away, never to be seen again.

When Lola returns to the restaurant, everyone's like "So where the fuck is our shit, dawg?" and they're all disappointed in her for not retrieving everything, these selfish fucking assholes. Also one of the people who had their shit stolen is a restaurant critic and because of these events he gives her restaurant only 2 stars out of 5. Lola tries to make up for her customers' losses by giving them all two free cases of her home-made Lola Cola. They all take the Cola, but they're still not happy. And neither is Lola, because she lost a lot of money tonight, but more importantly, she also lost... her dignity, or something. So now Lola's standing in her empty restaurant, and a mysterious stranger enters. He makes her an offer she can't refuse: If she comes out of retirement for one last run, he'll pay her one million dollars. He'll also find the two punks who robbed the restaurant and murder them. So Lola's like "okay cool"

Later, Lola is training for the running. Her daughter Lalo comes to visit her and she's all "What the fuck are you doing, you're too old, you're gonna die, you don't have to prove anything, blah blah blah" and Lola's like "Shut the fuck up" so the Lalo does the opposite of shutting the fuck up: she screams really loudly, and all the in the room glass shatters into a bazillion pieces. Then she runs away, but she didn't inherit her mother's running abilities, so she sucks at running. She trips over on the way out and some random kid (not the same one as before) is like "Have a nice TRIP when you TRIPPED OVER, DAY TRIPPER?!" So then Lola goes over to Lalo and they have a very emotional mother/daughter moment. Lola's like "I gotta do this... there's no other way" and Lalo's like "Cool I hope you win" because she changed her mind since a few seconds ago.

The day of The Big Run. Lola has been training a lot, but everybody's still like "There's no way this old bitch can run". But she sure proves them wrong. She runs faster than the speed of light. She runs around the whole planet twice. Now everyone's like "Holy shit, this old bitch is clearly not human and must be destroyed", so I guess she can't win either way. Then Lola runs into the sky and returns to her home planet. Her half-human daughter is taken prisoner on Earth. The End.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button 2: The Fast and the Curious

2009-06-11T14:30:00.008+10:00

Beginning shortly after the end of the first movie in the Benjamin Button franchise, Cate Blanchett has recently died and now her daughter, Buttongirl, is preparing for the funeral. She's filling out the funeral application forms in her house, when there's a knock at the door. It's a girl scout, selling cookies to raise money for a girl scout camping trip or something. Buttongirl buys 10 boxes, in honor of her mother who loved girl scout cookies. Later, she's eating her third box of cookies, and suddenly chips her tooth on one of them. Then, upon closer inspection of the tooth-chipping cookie, she discovers that it's not a cookie at all, it's a fucking button. "What the fuck?" she says to her cat. Her cat is like "meow" but it doesn't really say anything. Buttongirl analyzes the button underneath a microscope and finds a hidden message: Meet me at the docks tonite if you want to know the truth about your father, Benjamin B. Button, Esquire. Come alone. You can bring your cat, I guess, because that doesn't count. Not that I have anything against cats, I'm just saying, by "alone" I mean "without any other human beings". I think you know what I mean. See you soon, I hope! They fit all that on one button somehow.

That night, Buttongirl and her cat, Mittenballs, travel to The Docks. She has mace and a switchblade with her in case anyone tries to start some shit. After waiting around for a few minutes, she's like "where the fuck is this guy" and her cat just says "meow-meow". So then some gang members start walking towards her. Guy #1 is all "Well, well, looky what we got here" and Buttongirl quickly pulls out her mace and sprays it all over the guy's face. Then her cat jumps on him and scratches the shit out him, but that just gets mace all over the cat so now the cat is rolling around on the ground in pain too. The second gang member is like "You is gonna pay for that, bee-yotch" and is about to attack her, but she pulls out her switchblade and throws it at him, hitting him in the eye. Now he's on the ground next to the first guy and the cat, and they're all crying and shit. So Buttongirl picks up Mittenballs and runs away.

The next day, Buttongirl is eating some Cereal-O's and chips another tooth. Because there was a button in her cereal. This button also has a secret message for her: Dear Buttongirl, where were you last night? I got there at 10pm and waited like 2o minutes for you. I'll be there again tonite, so please show up. Your pal, Anonymous. Buttongirl just throws the button away and her cat eats it. A few hours later, she's meeting with a funeral director about her mother's funeral, and she can't concentrate on what he's saying because there's something weird about the top button of his shirt. She rips the button off him and examines is closely, finding another message: Why did you feed the last button to your cat? Buttongirl's like "How am I supposed to respond to these button messages?" And the funeral director just thinks she's crazy but he still agrees to organize the funeral because she has a lot of money.

Two days later, at the funeral, Buttongirl gets hit in the face by something. It's another button. She doesn't read it, but she looks around and sees some guy hiding behind a tree. She's like "Hey asshole" and he runs away. She chases him all through the cemetery but isn't able to catch him. When she finally stops running, she realizes that she is at the grave of Benjamin Button. But the grave is fucking empty! Someone dug up Benjamin's baby-corpse. There is one final button sitting on the gravestone with a secret message that explains everything: I dug up Benjamin Button's corpse so I could harvest his unique DNA in order to create the perfect killing machine. Soon I will control the world, and it's all thanks to you, Buttongirl! To be concluded...

Elephant Man II: The Curse of the Elephant Man

2009-05-18T09:55:00.004+10:00

It has been one year since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. It's also Halloween. Because he died on Halloween. Some kids are trick-or-treating, and one of them is dressed as an elephant. But it's hard to tell what he's supposed to be because it's a poorly-made costume, so when his friends first see him they're like "what are you supposed to be" and says "I'm an elephant, man." Then a mysterious voice from the bushes says "Somebody say mah name?" and a guy with a bag over his head jumps out of the bushes and kills the elephant costume kid with his signature weapon: an ivory elephant tusk. The other kids are like "Holy cunt-balls" and they run away. But they don't make it very far, because the mysterious hooded figure throws several elephant tusk stars at them and takes two of them down. Then there's only one kid left. It's a girl named Ellie. Ellie Phant. She climbs up a tree and hides there, because she figures that this guy is the Elephant Man and elephants can't climb trees. But her name is Ellie Phant and she just climbed it so it's ironic or something. The killer stands right under the tree, but he doesn't know Ellie is up there. He yells out "I know you can hear me, kid. And I'm gonna find you. Even if I have to wait a year, you will meet your maker at the hands of the Elephant Man! Because that's who I am!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been two years since John "Elephant Man" Merrick died. And it's been one year since an evil supervillan claiming to be The Elephant Man killed several innocent children on Halloween. But it's not Halloween yet, it's Halloween Eve, and Ellie Phant is scared that the Elephant Man is going to come back to kill her, the only survivor of The Elephant Man Massacre. Her boyfriend is like "Don't worry, baby, I can protect you." Then they start making out, and as the clock ticks over to 12:01am the camera pans across to the window and we see the guy with a bag over his head looking creepily through the window. Ellie sees him and starts screaming but when Boyfriend looks over he's gone and he thinks she just imagined it. He walks over and opens the window and he's like "See, there's no Elephant Man here. Except for the elephant... in my heart." Suddenly, a giant elephant tusk impales him through the chest and kills him. The killer pulls the tusk out and looks at Ellie through Boyfriend's gaping chest wound. He's like "I told you what I'd do, Ellie, and an elephant never forgets!" Ellie screams and quickly runs to her parents' bedroom, but her parents are already dead. She grabs her dad's gun starts firing it at the killer, but he deflects the bullets with his giant elephant tusk. One of the bullets ricochets into Ellie's eye, and that's how she got the nickname "One-Eyed Ellie". So now the "Elephant Man" is standing over ol' One-Eyed Ellie about to decapitate her with his elephant tusk machete. When all of a sudden, a mouse runs across the floor. The Elephant Man is like "Eek!!" And runs away. Because elephants are afraid of mice. Looks like Ellie has found her secret weapon. While the killer is standing on a chair Ellie jumps out the window and runs away, while he yells "You haven't heard the last me, One-Eyed Ellie! Even if it takes another year, you will be murdered by me, The Elephant Man!!"

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been three years since John Merrick died, two since those kids were killed, and one since the Elephant Man killer returned and killed more people. This time Ellie is ready for him. She's been working out, now she's like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2. And it's Judgement Day, alright. Prepare to be judged. It's 12:01, Halloween, and she goes out and stands on her front lawn. She's like "Come and get me, sucka" and she's smoking a cigar. Also she's wearing an eye patch. But the Elephant Man doesn't show up for some reason.

ONE YEAR LATER. It's been four years since John Merrick died, three since the Elephant Man killed some kids, two since he came back to finish off the last survivor and failed due to his fear of mice, and one since he accidentally went to the wrong house so Ellie Phant got that year off. Ellie is married now, and since the evil Elephant Man didn't show up last year, she think that whole ordeal is over and done with. But BOY OH BOY OH FUCKING BOY-O BOY is she wrong. Dead wrong. She's having dinner with her husband, when there's a knock at the door. Things get really tense and scary as Ellie goes to open the door. But it's not the killer, it's just the Chief of Police. He's like "Are you sure you don't want any protection this year? Just because the Elephant Man took last year off doesn't mean he won't come back to kill you. After all, you are his worst enemy. And if I were him, which I'm not, I would want to murder the fucking shit out of you and rape you while forcing your husband to watch." But Ellie's like "Don't worry, Chief, I'll be fine." So the chief leaves. A minute later, there's a knock at the door again, so Ellie opens it all "I saaaaaiiiiddd I'll be fine, Chief" But it's actually the Elephant Man this time, and he's like "Who you callin' CHIEF, sucka"

The evil Elephant Man swings his elephant tusk sword at Ellie, but she leans back, Matrix-style, and dodges the attack. Then she does a back flip and kicks the killer in the face. Ellie and Elephant Man have a big Kung-Fu fight for 10 minutes while Ellie's husband just sits there and watches this amazing showdown. Eventually it looks like Elephant Mas has the upper hand - he has Ellie in a Kung-Fu Grip and she can't move. He's about to break her arms, but she is able to jump into the air while he's holding on to her so they crash through the ceiling and land on the roof of the house. Her husband's like "Damn, now I can't see the fight." So now they're on the roof, and they're fighting with elephant tusk swords. Ellie manages to force Elephant Man over to the edge of the house, and Elephant Man is afraid of heights, so this gives Ellie the upper hand, and she cuts both of his legs off. He then falls off the roof, but it's only a one-story house so he lands comfortably on the grass. He tries crawling away, but Ellie jumps down and cuts both of his arms off. Then she's like "Now let's find out how you really are!" And she pulls his mask off to reveal that he was Anthony Hopkins all along. But she doesn't even know who that is.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - Part II: Logan's Run

2009-05-07T10:36:00.007+10:00

Wolverine is in a bar in Japan, in the 1980s, and the bartender's asks "Are you drinking to forget?" and he replies "No, I'm drinkin' to remember." Then Sabretooth enters and he's like, "Remember me... brother?" But Wolverine doesn't remember. "How could you forget... your brother... brother?" says Sabretooth. Wolverine is like "Are you my brother or something?" then we cut to a flashback of Wolvie & Sabie as kids. It's like 1886 and they've just run away from home. Sabie is like "Come on, bro! We're gonna be best friends forever! Nothing can tear us apart, ever!" and Wolvie (or as he was known back then, "Logan") agrees that they will always fight side-by-side, even if they live for more than a hundred years and even if he gets an Adamantium skeleton. But because he's just a kid, he mispronounces it as "Aluminum" because kids say the darnedest things.

Anyway, before they leave their home town, Logan wants to say goodbye to his girlfriend, Norma-Jean. He goes to see her and she's all "I already know what you're going to say, Logie" and Logie's confused, because how could she know?? It's not like she can read his mind. She tells him to just leave, and that she never wants to see him again, and she never will, ever. Then after Logan walks away, Norma-Jean's brother comes up to her and he's like "hey I just figured out how to make people travel a hundred years into the future" so he zaps Norma-Jean and she teleports to the future and changes her name to Jean Grey. The Origin of Jean Grey has been revealed.

Logan meets up with his brother Sabie again, and Sabie's like "I'm glad she's gone, bro. We'll never see her again! You'll especially never see her again." and Logan says he already forgot her name. Then they start walking out of town and Logan accidentally steps on a toad. He's like "Goddamn I hate toads." Then he kicks it away. The toad watches them leave, and then there's a time-lapse or something that shows how the toad mutated over a hundred years until he eventually became the evil mutant known as Toad. The Origin of Toad has been revealed.

A few years later, Wolverine and Sabertooth are fighting Nazis in Germany. They see some Nazis carrying a kid to a Death Camp, and Wolvie is like "Yo we should help him" and Sabie just says "Fuck that little fuck, he can suck my fucking dick, faggot" So Wolvie goes to rescue the kid by himself. He slices up the Nazis with his claws, and then picks up a Nazi Grenade and throws it at a Nazi Tank. Then he carries the kid to safety in slow-motion while the tank explodes in the background. The kid wakes up and he's like "We have to save the other jews" and Wolvie's like "Okay bub, but this could be dangerous. You're gonna have to wear a helmet." And he picks up a helmet off the ground and puts it on the kid's head. But the helmet is way too big for him and it covers his whole head so he looks like Magneto. Because he is Magneto. Also the kid picks up a tank with his mind and throws it at Hitler. The Origin of Magneto has been revealed.

Wolverine and Lil' Magneto save the Jews and one of them has blue hair. A Nazi comes out of nowhere and tries to shoot the blue-haired kid but Bluey does some gymnastic shit and swings around and kicks the Nazi's head off. Wolverine is like "Damn, kid, that was a pretty beastly move." Then the kid says "Hey don't call me a Beast." The Origin of Beast has been revealed.

Later that night, Wolverine sees some guy crawling on the ground. He's crawling at night. The Origin of Nightcrawler has been revealed.

Wolverine meets back up with Sabretooth and tells him about all the crazy characters he met while fighting Nazis today. Sabie tells Wolvie about all the crazy characters he raped today. Wolvie's like "You so crazy, bub" Then we cut back to the 1980s, in the Japanese Saloon. Sabretooth asks, "Now do you remember, brother?" And Wolverine is like "No." The End. Then, after the credits, Sabretooth morphs into a naked blue chick. Some guy sees her and he's like "Who are you?" And she says "My name is Teek. Miss Teek." The Origin of Mystique has been revealed.

Faster & Furiouser: 5 Fast 5 Furious: The Sandwich Technique

2009-04-22T10:42:00.008+10:00

Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are now roommates for some reason. One day Walker comes home from working at the FBI and Diesel is on the couch playing Mario Kart 64 with some other dudes, and Walker's like "Yo Vin, did you buy any milk?" but he didn't buy any milk because he was playing video games all day. Walker is like "You're making me furious!" then he goes to buy the milk. After he's gone, Diesel's Mario Kart buddies are like "That guy's a pussy, why do you still live with him?" and Diesel just says "Oh, I have my reasons..." then he fires a turtle shell at the other guy and wins the race. "Looks like I won, Princess," he says (the other guy was using the Princess Peach character), "Now fork it over, bitch." Then the other guy hands Vin Diesel a big bag of delicious heroin. And the bag has a picture of Wario on it.

The next day, Paul Walker is at the FBI Building when his boss is like "Walker, see me in my office!" So Walker goes in there and the boss fires him from the FBI because he says he found heroin in his locker. Walker's like "That ain't my heroin!!" so the boss says he'll have to take a drug test. Walker's like "fine" and takes the specimen cup to go and fill it up, but the boss stops him and says "No. I want you do it here. In front of me. I want to watch you pee in this cup." So he does, and then he gets fired because even though it wasn't his heroin, he smokes weed every day and the drug test revealed that to the boss. Also, the bag of heroin that they found had a picture of Wario on it. So Walker goes home and tells Diesel that he got fired, but then he sees that Vinny Boy also has a bag of Wario Heroin. He's like "what the fuck, did you frame me bro?" and Diesel says that the guy who gave him the heroin must have framed Walker because he beat him at Mario Kart, and he wanted Paul to think Vin was the one who framed him because he is jealous of their love.

Vin & Paul furiously and fastly drive to the heroin dealer's house. When they get there Paul Walker jumps his car onto the roof somehow, and Vin Diesel fires turtle shells at the house. Paul yells down the chimney, "You better get out here fast, because I'm furiouser than ever!!" Suddenly, Heroin Dealer drives his own car out of the second floor of the house and lands on the neighbor's roof. He's like "Fuck you, Paul Walker!" then he drives away, jumping from rooftop-to-rooftop, while Walker gives chase. Vin Diesel is still following them from the road. When they finally run out of rooftops, HD and Walker jump their cars onto the road and HD starts throwing banana peels behind him to try and slip up Vin & Paul. So Paul & Vin have to slow down a little to avoid slipping on all these banana peels, and as they're driving next to each other, Vin says "I think we should use the Sandwich Technique!" Paul understands, so they both count to three and then fire the nitros so they speed up next to HD. Now one of them is driving on either side of the Heroin Dealer, and he's panicking and shit, yelling "What the fuck do you want??" And Vin Diesel is like "We wanna make you fuckin' sandwich, Princess" and then Vin Diesel and Paul Walker each pull out a fucking Uzi and start firing bullets into HD. They shoot the fucking shit out of him.

A few minutes later, they're finally out of bullets so they stop and look in the back of HD's car. They find more bags of Wario Heroin and some files that explain how he planned to frame Paul & Vin for assassinating the president. They're like "whaaaaaat" then suddenly we cut to the White House, where The President is walking outside in his bathrobe to pick up his morning paper. But when he picks it up, someone shoots him in the head!! Then, we pull back to reveal that the sniper who shot him is none other than Michelle Rodriguez, Vin Diesel's allegedly dead girlfriend! She makes a phone call to HD, but because he's dead, VD answers it. MR is like "It's done. Are Diesel and Walker in position?" and Vin's like "Uh... yes?" Somehow they don't recognize each other's voices. Then Michelle's like "Good, then your work is done." and she presses a big red button. HD's car starts beeping, so Vin and Paul jump out of the way in slow motion as it explodes. Paul Walker's like "This all could've been avoided if you bought some milk" and Vin Diesel replies "Suck my dick" Then they laugh and high-five. Meanwhile, Michelle Rodriguez gets into her own car and drives it into the white house. Her car has three turtle shells spinning around it so nobody can do anything to stop her.

Children of Men II: Look Who's Talking

2009-04-06T10:05:00.007+10:00

Clive Owen and The World's Youngest Woman have been raising the world's only baby for six months now. They take the baby to a doctor for a checkup and the doc tells them that the baby's hearing is fucked up, and they're like "how could this be??" and then the baby says "Probably because on the day I was born, I had a million guns and explosions going off right next to my tiny ears! Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!" only the baby doesn't really say it, we just hear Bruce Willis's voice-over (even though the baby is a girl). So the doctor is like "it's okay, we just need to give her an Ear Transplant" and it turns out the only person in the world whose blood cells are compatible with the baby's is Clive Owen. The next day, they perform the Ear Transplant, so now the baby has one adult-sized ear and Clive Owen has one baby-sized ear. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Great, now I look like a freak" and Clive's like "what the fuck" because now he can hear the baby's Bruce Willis Thoughts.

Clive Owen is like "Holy shit you guys, I can hear Cliveena's thoughts!" (The baby was named after Clive Owen) but nobody believes him. The Doc is like "Please, Clive Owen, I am a scientist and what you're saying is impossible" and then the Bruce Willis VO says "This doctor is a real cocksucker, right Clive?" and Clive's like "haha good one, Cliveena" so now the Doc and WYW just think he's crazy. Later, Clive Owen is buying a sandwich and some guy comes up and says "Well if it isn't Crazy Baby Ear, hear any babies lately?" and Clive Owen punches him in the fucking face because he's a badass. Then he's about to eat the sandwich, but he notices there's a note inside. It says "Meet me behind the sandwich store". So he goes behind the sandwich store and finds Cliveena, who crawled there somehow. The Bruce Willis VO is like "Thanks for meeting me here, Clive" and Clive's like "Dude, you're the only baby in the world, you can't be crawling around behind sandwich stores. It's too dangerous. Just a minute ago I had to punch someone in the fucking face." Then the police show up and they of course think that Clive Owen kidnapped the baby, so they arrest him. The last thing he hears as he's being taken away is the Bruce Willis VO saying "Don't worry, Clive Owen, I'll bust you outta the joint!"

So now Clive Owen is in prison, but Cliveena manages to break in through the air ducts. While she's crawling through the ducts she's holding a lighter in one hand like in Die Hard. Meanwhile, WYW realizes her baby is gone, so she goes to Clive Owen and asks what he did with her. He's like "I've been in prison the whole time, I didn't do shit." Then the baby kicks open the air duct grating in Clive's cell and Bruce Willis VO is like "Come with me if you want to live" but WYW can't hear that so she's like "Holy shit you hid my baby in the air ducts? You really are crazy!" So then the police transfer Clive Owen to the psychiatric ward of the prison. Now he's sharing a cell with the famous supervillian, "Scarf-Face". He's a guy with a scarf wrapped around his face. Clive is like "Hello, Scarface" and Scarf-Face is like "I'm not Scarface, I'm Scarf-Face!!" and this comedic routine goes on for several minutes.

Eventually Clive Owen explains to Scarf-Face what happened. He's like "I know it sounds crazy, but I could really hear that baby's thoughts. And she sounded just like Bruce Willis, star of such films as Die Hard II: Die Harder and The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser." Scarf-Face is like "It doesn't sound crazy to me..." And he removes the scarf from his face to reveal that he too has a baby-ear. He explains "That is the origin of how I became Scarf-Face. To block out the sound of Bruce Willis's voice-over. And now, Clive Owen, I pass the torch to you. You are the new Scarf-Face." He hands the face-scarf to Clive, but he's like "Dude I'm not wearing this until after I wash it." So he washes it in the prison laundry room and then puts it on. The former Scarf-Face, now face-scarfless, is like "Finally, I can now die a peaceful death..." But it's not like he's sick or anything, so he doesn't actually die. He just stands there awkwardly until Clive Owen's like "are you going to die or what", and Scarfless-Face just silently backs out of the room. Clive Owen never sees him again. Later, the World's Youngest Woman brings Cliveena to see Clive in prison. WYW asks "Why are you wearing a scarf on your face?" and he tells her, "I am Scarf-Face!" Cliveena's Bruce Willis VO is like "I just wanted someone to talk to. Why won't you talk to me, Clive Owen?" But Clive can't hear her... Not anymore. Because he is Scarf-Face.

Valkyrie II: Tears of a Führer

2009-04-01T11:18:00.006+11:00

After Tom Cruise's plan failed (spoiler alert), ol' one-eye-one-hand himself was executed for committing treason. Two Nazis named Bill & Ted are carrying the recently shot Tom Cruise away to throw him in a mass grave. But before they throw him in, Bill is like "I'm gonna steal this guy's eye patch as a souvenir. Plus I think I'd look cool with an eye patch." Ted's like "Whatever dude, just hurry up, we're gonna be late for the Pizza Party" and he skips away. Bill takes off Tom's eye patch and is surprised to find a note in Tom's eye-hole. He takes it out and unfolds it... it says "If you are reading this, it means I am dead and you stole my eye patch. Check inside my butt for further instructions LOL" After making sure that nobody can see him, Bill checks inside Tom Cruise's anus and finds an audio tape. He wipes it off with his Nazi Cloth and then puts the tape in his Walkman and starts listening.

"Oh, hello! Didn't see you come in. My name is Colonel Thomas Von Cruisenburg, and what you're listening to right now is my Secret Butthole Tape. You're probably thinking I really fucked things up by getting executed, but trust me, it's all going according to plan. And if you want to save Hitler, you're going to have to do exactly as I say... further instructions can be found in my dick-hole." Bill starts looking in TC's dick-hole, and a few seconds later the tape continues: "Ha ha, there's nothing in my dick-hole. April Fools! Anyway, whoever you are, I need you to go to 123 Berlin Street. If you don't get there in 10 minutes, your beloved Adolf Hitler will die!" Bill is like, "Nein! Mein Liebshen!" and runs off to Berlin St. Then Ted finally comes back to see what's taking so long, and sees Tom Cruise lying on the ground with his pants off, and he's like "what the fuck"

Bill gets to the warehouse on Berlin St. just in the nick of time, and finds Hitler strapped to a table, with a giant axe hanging from the ceiling above him, swinging back-and-forth. Hitler also has a bunch of tubes attached to him that are hooked up to a giant vat of delicious barbeque sauce. Bill plays the tape again (he paused it after the previous instruction) to find out what he's supposed to do: "Well, I guess you made it to the warehouse. Well done, you're better than I expected. Now, if you want to free Adolf, you just need to find the key. And that key can be found... inside Hitler's dick-hole." Bill quickly unzips Hitler's pants to start looking, and the tape continues: "Ha ha, I can't believe you fell for that again! I guess you just love dick-holes or something." Bill looks at Hitler and says "I swear, Mein Fuhrer, I do not love dick-holes."

The Butthole Tape continues: "Okay homo, here's what you really have to do: Inside that giant vat of barbeque sauce, there's an unconscious guy with an oxygen tank (so he can breathe in there) who has the key to Hitler's chains. But you have to KILL HIM to get the key. Alternatively, you can save the unconscious guy, but if you do that then Hitler's veins will be filled with the delicious barbeque sauce and then he'll be cut in half by the giant axe and his blood will be mixed with the barbeque sauce. So WHICH ONE WILL YOU SAVE?" Bill is like "Duh, I'm gonna kill the guy in the sauce so I can save Hitler. Why would I give a fuck about the other guy?" so that's what he does. After he's free, Hitler is like "Thank you for saving me. If there's anything I can do to repay you..." and Bill says "It was an honor, my Nazi Friend. Just getting to shake your hand is all the repayment I need." So he shakes Hitler's hand, but shockingly, Hitler's hand comes off! It was a prosthetic hand! Then he takes off his mustache and wig, and it's not even Hitler! It's Tom Fucking Cruise!

Suddenly, we flash back to earlier, when Bill's Nazi Friend Ted is going to inspect Tom Cruise's half-naked corpse. But when he goes to inspect the corpse, Tom Cruise suddenly grabs him with his three-fingered hand and snaps his neck! Because he was wearing a bullet-proof vest the whole time, he was never dead! Then he puts on a fake mustache and hand, and takes a shortcut to the Berlin St. warehouse. It turns out that the guy in the BBQ sauce tank, who Bill killed, was the REAL Hitler. Bill is like "Neeeeeein!!" and Tom Cruise just smiles and pours some delicious barbeque sauce into a glass and drinks it. It tastes more delicious than ever, thanks to the secret ingredient: Hitler's tears.

The Ring Three: Ring Kong

2009-03-30T13:09:00.005+11:00

On one grave September morn, some guy who works at an IMAX theater plays the Ring Tape on the big screen as a joke (He had it transferred to IMAX film or whatever they use), but it backfires when Dead Bitch crawls out of the screen like always... only because it's a gigantic IMAX screen, now Dead Bitch is a fucking giant. She steps on everyone and runs out into the city to find Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Naomi Watts and her son Naomi Jr. have moved into ANOTHER new house and this time NJ is like "hey maybe we shouldn't have any TVs or VCRs in our house this time", but Naomi's like "Come on, it'll be okay.. that dead chick is gone forever after what happened in The Ring Two, so you don't have to worry" Then she buys a 52 inch plasma TV with a 9.1 surround sound speaker system.

Back in the city, Dead Bitch is rampaging through the streets, flipping over cars and shit. She's like "Where are you Naomi Watts" and some guy from the FBI hears her say that and he's like "I know that name..." Then he calls Naomi Watts on the phone because she's his cousin or something. He's like "The Dead Ring Bitch is destroying the city, and you're the only one who can stop her!" And Naomi says her famous catch phrase, "I'm gettin' to old for this motherfuckin' cocksuckin' bullshit." So then Naomi and NJ travel to the city in the Ringmobile, and when they get there the Giant Dead Bitch grabs Naomi and starts climbing up the Empire State Building. While she's climbing up some fighter jets are shooting at her, but she destroys them with her laser eyes. Naomi's FBI Cousin is on the phone with the President and he's all "Mr. President, we have to use the SECRET WEAPON!" Naomi Junior overhears and asks what the secret weapon is, and FBI Cousin says "The Secret weapon is FUCK YOU" because he doesn't like that kid.

The President gives approval to use the SECRET WEAPON, and the CIA drive up in a van and pull out this giant fucked up gun. FBI Cousin tells them "Make sure you shoot it at Naomi Watts and don't hit Ring Kong" and CIA Guy is like "Did you just say 'Ring Kong'? That's fucking stupid. This is serious, you FBI faggot" then FBI Cousin starts crying and runs away. Naomi Junior is like "ha ha what a pussy". So then the CIA fire the Secret Weapon at Naomi Watts, and suddenly Naomi Watts grows to the same size as Dead Ring Bitch. Because the Secret Weapon is an Enlarging Ray. Anyway now Giant Naomi Watts and Giant Dead Bitch are have a big giant monster fight, destroying buildings and accidentally crushing half of the city's population. Dead Bitch tries to shoot Naomi with her laser eyes, but fortunately the Enlarging Ray also gave her laser eyes, so their laser eyes cancel each other out. Somehow they end up wrestling in a giant mud pit and Dead Bitch tears Naomi's shirt off. This monster battle is being broadcast live on television so millions of people see this offensive display of nudity.

So they keep fighting for another 45 minutes until Naomi eventually pokes one of DB's eyes out with a tree. That's when Naomi notices that DB's eye socket looks like a RING... and by removing her eye, she has freed DB's evil demons or something. So now Dead Former-Bitch is like "Thanks for saving me, Naomi Watts... It was my plan all along." But then a stealth jet swoops down and fires a huge missile right at her face. And by "her" I mean Naomi Watts, because they fired it at her by mistake. So Dead Not-Bitch is like "Nooooooooo" and dives in front of the missile, which blows up her head and double-kills her. Then the stealth jet lands and the pilot is like "Fuck yeah, I got her!" and some random guy walks up and says "It wasn't airplanes... 'twas beauty killed the beast" but then the pilot takes his helmet off and he's ugly as fuck, so the random guy is like "oh never mind".

Jurassic Park IV: Attack of the SKYnosaurs

2009-03-25T16:31:00.006+11:00

Jeff Goldblum is telling his kid about how this one time many years ago he was chased by a T-Rex. The kid's like "Yeah right Dad, you're a fucking liar" so then Jeff Goldblum grounds him and takes away his X-Box 360. Also the kid was playing some video game where you fight dinosaurs, so he's like "Fighting dinosaurs is easy! You're just a pussy, Dad" so he was grounded for saying that too. Then after the kid goes up to his room, Jeff starts playing the video game. He makes it to level 3, where the in-game character finds a huge pile of dinosaur shit and says "That is one big pile of shit." Jeff's like "Hmm, that sounds familiar" and he keeps playing. On level 5, he's in a jeep being chased by a T-Rex and the in-game character is like "We must go faster"... then later in the game there's a bonus stage where you control the two kids in the kitchen who are hiding from Velociraptors. But you need two players for that part, so that's when he stops playing. He finally looks at the video game case and sees that it's called "Purassic Jark"...

Jeff Goldberg walks over to his neighbor Dr. John Hammond's house and rudely enters without knocking. Because he's like Hammond's wacky neighbor so he does that all the time. Hammond is like "what the fuck" and quickly hides something under a sheet. We don't see what it was though, it's a mystery. Jeff's all "Hey Doc, have you seen this game?" and Hammond's like "I gots better things to do than play video games. I'm 90 years old." So Jeff wheels John in his wheelchair over to his house and shows him the Purassic Jark game. And the sequel, where a T-Rex runs through the city and Velociraptors do gymnastics or something. John doesn't see Jeff's point, but then Jeff's like "Try putting on your glasses you old fuck" and John Hammond says his catchphrase "I'm too old for this shit." Eventually they look at the game manual and see that the video game company is called Hammond Games. And Hammond's like "Oh yeah, my niece created a video game company." He forgot because he's senile and shit. His niece was into computers or something in Jurassic Park so now she makes video games. About dinosaurs. But she crossed the line when she made a game about the tragic events of Jurassic Park...

Jeff Goldstein goes to Hammond Games to see John's niece. I think her name was Alex. Or maybe Alexis. John couldn't remember because he's too old. Alex is like "What's the big deal? I was running out of Dinosaur Game ideas, so I decided to base this one on a true story." Oh, what's the big deal? Well here's the big fuckin' deal: The ghost of Dennis Nedry (Newman from Seinfeld) died at the Jurassic Park island, and now his ghost is haunting some copies of the game. Just kidding. Actually Jeff is just offended that Alexis didn't ask him to do his own voice in the game. She got Mike Myers to do it, so now Jeff Goldblum's game character sounds like Shrek. And Jeff hates that movie. So Alex says "Follow me to the recording studio, and we'll re-do the lines with your voice" and Jeff follows her, but as soon as he's not looking, she hits him in the head with a hammer! When Jeff wakes up, he's duct-taped to a chair. Dr. Grant and Dr. Satler from Jurassic Park are in there too, also taped to chairs. Jeff's like "what are you two doing here" and Alexis walks in and says "The same thing as you, Jeff Goldblum..."

Jeff Goldenface then is forced to listen to Alexis explain her plan. "I was selling Purassic Jark video games so I could get the money to build a Dinosaur Blimp. It would be like a dinosaur petting zoo except on a blimp. If any of the dinosaurs escaped we could just open a hatch in the blimp and flush them out so they'd fall to their deaths. All the humans in the blimp would have parachutes so they'd be okay. It's just like Jurassic Park, only instead of an island it's a blimp, so nothing could go wrong!" That's her explanation. Jeff is like "...seriously?" and Alex says, "I couldn't have done it without a little help from my favorite uncle, Dr. John Hammond." And then John walks out, and Jeff is shocked because he didn't need a wheelchair at all! Then we flash back to earlier when he was hiding something under a sheet, and he was actually hiding a model of the Dino Blimp. He was also jerking off onto the sheet. "You'll never get away with this, John!" yells Jeff. "Those dinosaurs aren't going to stay locked up in that blimp, because life finds a way, or something" So then John and Alexis open up the dinosaur blimp and it actually does work out okay, for a few months at least. Then someone claims that she was raped by a Velociraptor, and they have to close the blimp down for a while. But it turns out she just made it up so she could make a "Velocirapist" joke. So the DinoBlimp was a good idea. None of the dinosaurs escaped and/or killed anybody. Jeff Goldblum can go fuck himself.

She's the Man 2: She's the Manager

2009-03-23T13:40:00.005+11:00

It's been five years since Amanda Bynes pretended to be her twin brother so she could play soccer. Now she's retired from her soccer career because she injured her knee during a game and had to have her leg amputated. So now she wears a prosthetic leg. Her friends call her Pro-Leg. After she retired, her soccer coach got her a job at his brother-in-law's hardware store. The Manager of the store is always like "Well if it isn't the big-shot soccer star" and is always looking for some reason to fire her. He's like "You may have been the only girl out on that soccer field, but there's like 7 girls working here, and you're not even the hottest. You're like the third-hottest." Then he starts limping away, because he has a leg injury too. Pro-Leg is like, "Whatever, you fuckin' gimp" and the Manger's like "WHAAAT?" but Pro-Leg quickly covers, "I said 'my boyfriend's dick is limp'" and the Manager's like "Oh okay". Also it wouldn't really make sense for her to call him a gimp since she's even more of a gimp than he is. Then another hardware store worker named Billy-Bob comes up to her and says "Hey I heard you called the Manager a gimp! That's awesome! Way to stand up to the man(ager)!" and he's not being sarcastic, even if it sounds that way. By the way he's limping around too, so there's yet another cripple working at the hardware store. Pro-Leg looks around and finally realizes that EVERYONE in the store is crippled, and she's like "What is this, some kinda Gimptown?" and Billy-Bob explains that the hardware store used to be called "Gimptown" but they had to change the name because it was offensive to gimps.

Later that night, Pro-Leg wakes up at the hardware store and realizes that she must have fallen asleep while stocking the paint shelves, because she accidentally left all of the paint cans open and breathed in all the fumes. Or maybe she was just tired. So she thinks she's the only one in the store, and starts walking towards the exit, but then she realizes the manager is here too, in his office, so she has to try and sneak out without him seeing her. Then she sees something SO SHOCKING SERIOUSLY... the manager takes his wig off and removes his shirt, and that's when Pro-Leg discovers that the manger is actually a womanager! She's like "Hey, you stole my idea!" and the manager's like "WHAAAT?" and Pro-Leg covers, "I said 'my boyfriend shops at Ikea'" and the manager's like "Oh, okay. Hey wait, who the hell's out there?" So then Pro-Leg runs away. Only she can't run very fast because of her fake leg. But it's okay because the manager can't run fast either due to her fucked up leg. When Pro-Leg gets home she vows to get revenge on the lying manager, the best way she knows how... She goes over to Billy-Bob's house and convinces him to disguise himself as a girl named "Billie-Barb" so he can seduce the hardware store manager.

The next day, Pro-Leg introduces Billie-Barb to the manger (Who, coincidentally, is named "Schmanager". So maybe that's why she wanted to be a manager). The two fall instantly in love, but because Schmanager is actually a girl she's like "Hey does this mean I'm gay?" and because Billie-Barb is actually a guy he's like "Hey does this mean I'M gay?" But they don't care, they just start having sex in the manager's office. But remember, Schmanager is a girl pretending to be a guy, and Billie-Barb is a guy pretending to be a girl, and neither one knows the other's true gender, so Schmanager is really just putting her fake penis in Billie-Barb's fake vagina. It's complicated. Suddenly, the owner of the hardware store, Roger Gimpton (David Cross) shows up, and he's like "Where's the manager?" So Pro-Leg tells him that he's in his office. Gimpton opens the office door, only to find Billie-Barb sucking Schmanager's fake dick. Pro-Leg tells Billie-Barb (through the secret audio device hidden his his fake left tit) to go through with the last part of the operation, "Now, BB! Tell Gimpton that the manager forced you to blow him!" But BB can't do it. Because he's in love. Then Schmanager's like "I forced him to do it!" Because she's also in love, and it trying to cover for BB. Then they run away together and get married, but they never reveal their true genders to each other. Billy-Bob even pretends to be pregnant a few months later, but they don't think they're ready to raise a child, so he has to pretend to have an abortion.

Speed III: This Time It's Purse-onal!

2009-03-20T15:40:00.003+11:00

Someone puts a bomb in Sandra Bullock's purse and tells her that if she doesn't keep spending money, the purse will explode. So she spends hundreds of thousands of millions of hundred of dollars, until her boyfriend Keanu Reeves is like "Yo, what's up with all the spending? Women be shoppin'!" Bullock tells him about the purse-bomb, and Reeves is like "That makes no sense. How would your money-spending prevent a bomb from exploding?" So then they look in the purse, and there isn't a bomb. Whoever called her made it up. You're probably thinking, "You'd have to be pretty fucking dumb to fall for that, and Sandra Bullock's character was a genius." Well, in a flashback it is revealed that when the boat exploded in Speed II: Cruise Control a small piece of metal pierced her skull and damaged her brain. And ever since then she has been losing one I.Q. point per day. Bullock and Reeves didn't find this out until just now, when Bullock is getting a Brain X-Ray. The X-Ray Doctor is like "You're down to 17 I.Q. points, Sandra Bullock. That means you've only got 17 days to live. If you were smarter you could've done that math yourself." The Doctor explains that the only way to cure Bullock is for her to get a brain transplant. And the only brain-match is Dennis Hopper, the bad guy from Speed, who has been in a coma since the end of that movie. So now it's a race against the clock to get Sandra Bullock a new brain! She's only got 17 days to get Dennis Hopper's brain! They better SPEED this shit up!!

Keanu Reeves and Retarded Sandra Bullock travel through the Himalayas, in search of Comatose Dennis Hopper. They meet an old wise man with a long white beard who tells them he knows Hopper's location. The wise man gives them a map, but Sandra is too dumb to read it, and Keanu is too stubborn to ask for directions, am i right ladies??? Also the wise man cuts off some of his beard and tapes it to Sandra Bullock's back. For no reason. He's just a weirdo. Anyway, eventually they make it to the Coma Facility. Bullock is on her last I.Q. point. So our two heroes find Dennis Hopper's room, but he's no longer in a coma. He just woke up a few minutes ago. His daughter, Denise Hopper, is there with him and she's really happy that he's awake. Keanu Reeves is like "I need your fuckin' brain, Dennis. And if you're not gonna give it to me, I'm gonna have to take it from you." and he holds up a spoon. Then he winks at the camera, because the spoon is a reference to The Matrix or something.

Denise yells at Bullock & Reeves to get out of her dad's room. She doesn't know about his history of blowing up buses and shit. So Keanu's like "Pop quiz, hotshot! How about I tell your daughter about what a crazy terrorist cocksucker you are?" And Dennis Hopper starts crying like a little bitch. He regrets everything he's done. He just wants to retire from the bus-exploding business and get to know his long-lost daughter, Denise. So he's like "If you promise not to tell my daughter, Sandra Bullock can have my brain." They make the deal, and the brain surgery goes off without a hitch. In fact, Sandra Bullock is even smarter than before. She's like criminal mastermind now. She also gives better blowjobs than ever before. But things didn't work out too well for Dennis Hopper... He's now more braindead than ever. Keanu Reeves sees this, and feels kind of bad about doing this to him, so he smothers him with a pillow. Then he rips the sink out of the bathroom floor and throws it through the window, and runs away. The End.

...Or is it??? In a shocking twist, Denise Hopper enters with the Brain Surgeon, who is like "time to put your new brain in, Mr. Hopper!" So Dennis Hopper didn't even have the new brain yet. See there's many layers of irony because if Keanu wasn't so SPEEDy, then maybe Hopper would have been okay, but Hopper was the one who gave him the need for speed by putting that bomb in the bus back in Speed Part 1. And now Sandra Bullock has his brain. So she's Denise Hopper's new dad. Uh... the end.

Deliverance II: Special Delivery

2009-03-16T12:02:00.003+11:00

One year after the events of Deliverance, Jon Voight is chillin' in his crib, smoking a joint, when suddenly he hears the sweet sound of Dueling Banjos. Only it doesn't sound sweet to him, it just reminds him of when his fat friend was raped by hillbillies and how he and Burt Reynolds killed them and buried the evidence. So he's terrified, thinking "Holy shit, those inbred fuckers have tracked me down" But really, it's just his two kids playing banjos. Mrs. Jon Voight is like "I bought the kids a couple of banjos for Christmas! Isn't that great?" because Jon never told her about the Banjo Rape, so she doesn't know that it actually ISN'T great. So Jon is watching his kids banjo-playing, and from his point of view it's like they're morphing into hillbilly rapists or something. He's about to take the banjos away from them so he can burn them (the banjos, not the kids) when there's a knock at the door. Jon Voight LITERALLY shits himself at that moment. Then, after he changes his pants, he opens the door to see Burt Reynolds. It's the first time they've met since all that shit went down last year. Burt is like "What's up buddy, wanna go on a canoeing trip?"

"You're fucking crazy Burt Reynolds," says Jon Voight. "I'm never going near a canoe again, not after last time." Burt's like "Come on, it's been a year. Stop bein' a pussy. What are the odds that the same shit could happen to the same guys twice?" Burt goes on to explain that he's now working as a Special Delivery Man, and he has to deliver a Special Package to the King of Redneck Falls. Jon Voight still doesn't want to go, so Burt explains that now he always wears full body armour while canoeing and also carries several weapons including ninja stars and rocket launcher. So it will be a perfectly safe trip. Jon looks back at his wife and kids... The kids are playing banjos, and then his wife joins in with her own banjo so now there's three fucking banjos. Then Jon Voight decides to go with Burt Reynolds. "But if I hear even one banjo, I'm going to start blindly firing an AK-47 in every direction." So then they leave, and start canoeing their way to Redneck Falls.

So now they're in the canoe, and Burt Reynolds is all "Not far now until we get to Redneck Hills!" and Jon Voight's like "Hey I thought you said it was Redneck FALLS" and Reynolds realizes he fucked up. He's acting pretty weird. Then, a little later, Voight realizes that all of the weapons they brought are made of plastic. "Not ALL of them..." Says Reynolds, and he points a gun at Voight. Voight's like "What the fuck man" and Reynolds says he knows that Jon's been talking to the FBI. "I know you've been trying to set me up; make it look like I raped Bobby and killed all those hillbillies..." Jon swears he'd never do that, but then Burt rips open Jon's shirt and reveals that he's wearing a wire. "I'm sorry, Burt Reynolds, I had to do it to save my wife and kids..." cries Jon Voight. But Burt doesn't give a FUCK. He's had enough of this shit. "I loved you like a brother, Jon Voight, and you betrayed me..." he says. "And now, before I kill you, I'm going to play you a little song on this banjo." But before he can play anything, he's hit in the neck by a tranquilizer dart. Jon Voight looks to see who shot him, and sees a hillbilly with a sniper rifle.

Jon Voight goes over to the Casper the Friendly Hillbilly and thanks him for saving his life. Then Jon realizes that all this time, he's been scared of hillbillies, when actually they were just as scared of him as he was of them, or some shit. Then Casper says, "Now that I've done something for you, you gotta do something for me! Heh heh heh..." Then cut to later, and Jon Voight is painting Casper's fence. "Thanks for painting my fence," says Casper, "Now I'm gonna fuck you in the ass." But he's just kidding. He doesn't really fuck him in the ass. Because while Jon was painting the fence, Casper picked up the unconscious Burt Reynolds and carried him back to his Rape Shack, so he's got all the ass-fucking he needs. Jon Voight returns to his family, and thanks to this important lesson he learned, he's not bothered by the banjos anymore. So he gets his own banjo, and the Voight Family forms an all-banjo band. Meanwhile, Burt Reynolds is still getting fucked in the ass by Hillbilly Casper. Oh well. But The Voight Banjo Band becomes famous and their new album goes double-platinum. Jon dedicates the album to his old friend Burt, but Burt's still getting fucked in the ass so he doesn't even hear the album.

American Pie VII: The Death and Life of Steve Stifler

2009-03-12T10:08:00.005+11:00

Old Man Stifler has a heart attack while in the middle of banging his nurse. He is rushed to the hospital and the doctors are able to revive him, but then another nurse comes to give him a sponge bath and they start bangin', so he has ANOTHER heart attack. Old Man Stifler is 96 years old by the way. So then some of OM Stifler's family shows up at the hospital, including his estranged son, Stephen Smithler. Stephen changed his name because he's a douche. The Stiflers are standing around OM Stifler who's lying in his hospital bed hooked up to a bunch of medical equipment. He whispers, "Steve Junior, come closer..." and Stephen's like "My name's not Steve Junior anymore, I changed it to Stephen!" What a douche that guy is. "Come closer, son... I need to tell you something..." Croaks Old Stifler, clearly on his last breath. So Stephen the Douche leans in douchily, and Stifler whispers something in his ear. We don't hear what he says, but Stephen looks shocked. Then Old Man Stifler dies. But even in death, he still has a boner.

Stephen's wife asks what Stifler said, but Stephen's just like "Who cares, he was a crazy old son of a bitch." But he's obviously crying about it. What a fuckin' douche. Anyway, we see Stifler's Ghost rise from his old body. The ghost isn't old though, it's Classic Stifler, played by Sean William Scott. Because that'd be fucked up if you became a ghost and were still old. Stifler's like "Holy shit, looks like it's time for someone to get 'touched' by an angel" or something. You know how he is. But then he floats up into the sky, and eventually arrives in Heaven. He is personally greeted by Jesus Christ (Eugene Levy) who's like "Welcome to Heaven, Stifler! It's great to finally meet you, you're like my hero" and he hands him a six-pack of beer. "Come on, I want you to meet my son, Jesus Junior." So they go to JC's house, but they enter without knocking and walk in on Jesus Junior fucking a warm apple pie. Also JJ accidentally ejaculates in Stifler's eye, so from now on Stifler wears an eyepatch.

Later, Stifler and JC are chillin' and Stifler's like "I don't get it... Here in Heaven you just have to snap your fingers and pussy literally rains from the sky." Then he snaps his fingers and pussy literally rains from the sky. JC's all "Yeah, I never get tired of that superpower." Stifler continues, "So what kind of a fuckin' loser would you have to be to fuck a pie? No offense, Jesus." JC tells him that's why he's here, he wants Stifler to help his son. "He even wants to change his last name from Christ to Schmyst!" Then Stifler remembers his own son, and how he couldn't stop him from being a douche because he was too busy getting laid. Maybe now is his chance to make amends or some shit. "Sorry, JC, but your son's a douche. I'm gonna go fuck that naked angel over there." Then he flies away, because you can fly in Heaven too. Jesus smiles, "Oh, Steve Stifler... Truly a king among men." Then he gets a call on his iPhone. It's Satan, crank-calling him. But Jesus knows it's Satan, because he's fuckin' Jesus. You can't trick him. So Jesus just hangs up on him, then he's like "Go-go Gadget Copter!" and the top of his head opens up and a propeller comes out. He flies away, leaving a beautiful rainbow trail behind him.

Suddenly, we flash back to Old Man Stifler in his deathbed. It's the same scene as before so I'll just copy-and-paste from the other paragraph. "Come closer, son... I need to tell you something..." Croaks Old Stifler, clearly on his last breath. So Stephen leans in to hear what Stifler has to say. And this time, we hear it too. He whispers, "You're a fucking douche"... Then he dies. Then a few seconds later some doctors come in and zap him with defibrillator pads or whatever the fuck they're called, and Old Man Stifler is alive again. Stephen says "YOU'RE the douche, not me!" And runs out of the room, like a douche. Stifler says "Huh, it was all a dream... Or was it?" Then he snaps his fingers, and through the hospital window we see that pussy is literally raining down from the sky.

Rambo V: The Rambos

2009-03-10T10:25:00.004+11:00

At the end of 2008's Rambo, John Rambo was seen walking towards the house of the mysterious "R. Rambo". You probably assumed that R. Rambo was his father or something; well, it is, and Sylvester Stallone plays both roles using state-of-the-art split-screen technology. R. Rambo is like "Hey son, where have you been for the last 50 years?" and Rambo the Younger tells him about his most recent adventure in Burma, where he killed like 400 people and how awesome that was, especially on Blu-Ray Disc. Rambo Dad tells him that's no excuse for not visiting more often, "Your homosexual twin brother Paul Rambo visits me all the time." And just then, Paul Rambo (also played by Stallone) enters and is like "Oh my god, what's up bro" And then John's sister, Mary-Anne Rambo (Stallone again) enters and is like, "Hey everybody, I'd like you to meet my new fiance, Rocky Balboa!" So Rambo and Rocky (also Stallone, of course) meet and shake hands. The handshake might have to be done with CGI or something.

Rocky & The Rambos talk for a while, when suddenly the doorbell rings. The entire Rambo Family is already there, so who could it be?? John Rambo opens the door to find a flaming bag on the doorstep. He stomps on it to put the fire out, and of course gets dog shit all over his boots. Then he has a flashback to Vietnam, where one of the Vietnamese guys did the same thing to a buddy of his. He remembers holding his dying, dogshit-covered buddy in his arms. Then, a couple of teenagers jump out of the bushes and are like "Take that, Rambo!" and they ride away on their bikes. Rambo takes out his machete and gets ready to chase them. The rest of the Rambo Family try to talk him out of it, but John's all "They drew First Blood" and, seeing that there's no stopping John Rambo, Rocky Balboa tells the family he'll go with him to make sure nothing too fucked up happens.

So Rambo & Rocky chase the Rowdy Teenagers through the jungle. At one point the kids throw water balloons at R & R, and they have to take cover behind an old tree. One of the balloons hits Rocky and he's like "Man, I think that balloon had piss in it! Now I got piss on my Boxing Jacket." This causes Rambo to have another Vietnam Flashback. Then they start chasing the kids again until they get to their hideout. R & R are up in a tree, spying on the kids, and they see them walk into a cave. Five minutes later, they exit the cave with fresh bags of dog crap and piss-filled balloons. They jump out of the tree and grab the kids, threatening to beat the shit out of them. The kids cry that they're just following orders, and their leader is in that cave. R & R let the kids go, but as they're walking away one of the kids throws a balloon at Rambo, so Rambo quickly dives out of the way and throws a knife at the kid. The knife hits the balloon in mid-air, causing the balloon to splash all over the kid so now the kid has his own piss on him. Also the knife cuts his head off.

Ramby & Rocko enter the cave. As they're walking in, Rocky's like "Hey, that was pretty fucked how you killed that kid." And Rambo's all "Sometimes in war, you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette." I mean he actually says something better than that, but you get the idea. They keep making their way through the cave, when suddenly they're attacked by a group of kids with slingshots. Rocky gets hit in the eye with a rock, and Rambo jokes "I guess that's why they call you Rocky!" which doesn't actually make sense, but Rambo's not a comedian so what the fuck do you want. Since the kids are only slinging small stones and rocks at them, Rambo easily walks around the room and kills them all with his machete. Rocky doesn't want to kill anyone, but some fat kid comes up and starts shooting him with a Super Soaker, and finally Rocky has had enough. He punches his fist right through the fat kid's fat face. Rambo sees this and says "Looks like you just broke a few eggs..." Rocky replies, "Now let's go make a fuckin' omelette!" They each pick up a Super Soaker and bust down the door to the Cave Boss's office.

The Cave Boss is sitting in a big chair with his back to Rocky and Rambo, so you can't see who it is yet. He's like "So, it appears you finally discovered my secret cave, Mr. Rambo." Rambo's like "I had a little help." and Rocky says, "Yeah, I'm here too, ass-fuck" The Cave Boss says "I pity the fool who teams up with John Rambo!" Then Rocky realizes who it is. The CB turns around and we discover that it is Mr. T from Rocky III. But Rambo doesn't even know who he is, because he wasn't in that movie. Mr. T explains, in a 25 minute monologue, that he was the mastermind behind all of the events that transpired in the previous Rocky and Rambo films. We see some clips from First Blood with Mr. T digitally inserted into the background. Anyway, Rocky and Rambo shoot Mr. T with their Super Soakers, and Mr. T's like "Nooooooo" until he's totally Super Soaked. Then Rocky and Rambo both punch Mr. T in the face and the same time so Mr. T's head explodes. Rambo then looks at Rocky and says "Welcome to the family." They high-five and the credits roll over a freeze-frame of them high-fiving.

Home: Alone

2009-03-06T12:31:00.002+11:00

This is a "reboot" of the once-classic Home Alone franchise. Kevin (Shia LaBeouf) just moved into his new home in New York with his blind (but sexy) aunt, Aunt Felicia (Jennifer Lopez). Kevin is like, "Well here we are at our new home, Aunt Felicia. We would've gotten here sooner if you didn't keep getting lost in New York" -- This is a reference to the second Home Alone film, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York -- So Aunt Felicia replies, "I can't help getting lost, I'm fuckin' blind!" -- By the way this isn't a family movie like the others, it is a dark psychological romantic thriller -- They both enter the house and Kevin is tired so he goes upstairs to take a nap. A few minutes later, Aunt Felicia is scared because she thinks Kevin has left. She thinks she's Home Alone. She's blind and can't see if anyone's around so it's like a metaphor because she isn't literally Home Alone she's metaphorically Home Alone.

Later, Kevin comes downstairs and Aunt Felicia is listening to the TV. Kevin is like "What are you watching, Aunt Felicia?" Then realizes how insensitive that question was, because she can't watch anything. EVER. Not since the events of last October. "I'm so sorry about the events of last October, Aunt Felicia" says Kevin, and AF grabs his hand and promises him it's okay. "Just describe what's happening in this movie for me." So he starts describing it, but then there's a sex scene in the movie that Kevin & Aunt F are watching & listening, respectively. And the sex scene happens to be between a young man and his older (but sexy) aunt. So he gets a little uncomfortable when he has to describe this very controversial, but also very sexy film to his blind (but sexy) aunt. Soon, Aunt Felicia whispers in Kevin's ear, "Did your parents ever tell you that you're adopted?" and Kevin's like "No, why are you telling me, Aunt Felicia?" And she's like "Because that means we're not related by blood." And then they start fuckin'.

Then, while they're having controversial-but-sexy-but-incestuous sex, two criminals named Harold (John Cho) and Marvin (Kal Penn) are walking past their window, and Marvin's like "Holy shit bro, check this shit out!" and they can see Kevin & Aunt F through the window. Harold says "Yo, while they're gettin' busy, we should rob the shit out of their house. Harold & Marvin Style!" Harold and Marvin are really in Home: Alone to provide some comic relief to this otherwise serious, deep and controversial (but sexy) story. The two dudes sneak into the house and realize that there's pretty much nothing to steal, because Kevin and AF just moved in that day. Marvin's like "Fuck it dude, let's go bowling" but Harold wants to check upstairs first, because there must be SOMETHING to steal. Harold runs up the stairs, but then trips over and falls down the stairs, breaking his neck. Kevin and Aunt F are like "what the fuck" and Kevin runs out to see what's going on.

Marvin is kneeling over his friend's dead body, and he's like "Holy shit, Harold! Have a nice TRIP?" Then he laughs. But then he realizes that Harold is actually dead and he feels a little bad about making that joke. Kevin's all, "What the fuck is going on here?" and Marvin yells "Why are your steps so fuckin' slippery?!" Kevin is confused, and still naked because he was in the middle of aunt-fucking, so Marvin takes this opportunity to grab Dead Harold's gun. He points it at Kevin and is like, "Your home killed my best friend... Now I'M gonna kill YOU. With my GUN." and he pulls the trigger. But the gun isn't loaded! Then Blind Aunt Felicia runs into the room and pleads "Please, don't kill my nephew!" And Marvin's like "He's your fuckin' nephew? But I just saw you two fuckin'! That's fuckin' fucked up, motherfucker!" Kevin is even more confused now, because a few minutes ago she said they weren't really related. In a shocking (but sexy) twist, Aunt F explains how that was a lie, and she just wanted to get revenge for the events of last October. Marvin takes out his phone and is like, "Hold on a second dawgs, I gotta Twitter this shit!"

Panicking, Kevin punches Marvin in the face, and he falls over, dropping his gun. Kevin picks it up and points it at Marvin, who's like "Hey aunt-fucker, that gun ain't even loaded!" So Kevin just starts pistol-whipping the shit out of Marvin until his face has been beaten to a bloody pulp. Blind Aunt Felicia is yelling "What the fuck is going on? Which one of you is getting beaten to death?!" But Kevin doesn't even answer. He just walks into the kitchen, grabs a knife, then comes back and stabs Blood-Related, Blind Aunt Felicia in the chest repeatedly, until she finally dies next to Harold and Marvin. So now Kevin is alone. In his home. Home: Alone.

Ocean's Fourteen: Meltdown

2009-03-05T08:50:00.002+11:00

Danny Ocean (George Clooney) gets out of prison again and his buddy Brad Pitt asks "So what casino are we gonna rob this time?" But Ocean is like "I already have a quadrillion dollars from all the other casinos... maybe it's time to retire." Brad Pitt gets a serious look on his face and says, "Well then, I guess my work here is done." and he walks into the bushes and fades away. Ocean is like "What the fuck?" Then Matt Damon comes up and asks "Who were you just talking to?" and Ocean tells him he was talking to Brad Pitt, but then Matt Damon looks at Ocean strangely and says, "Brad Who?" And that's when Ocean realizes... Brad Pitt never existed, he was in Ocean's imagination the whole time!

So Ocean tries to play it off like a joke and tells Matt Damon that he's going to retire because he's already a zillionaire. Then Matt Damon gets a serious look on his face and says, "Well then, I guess my work is done here." and he floats up into the sky. And that's when Ocean realizes... Matt Damon never existed, he was in Ocean's imagination the whole time! So Ocean's getting a little freaked out now by all these revelations, and he runs home to his girlfriend Julia Roberts' house. But she's not there! And all her stuff is gone! And that's when Ocean realizes, Julia Roberts never existed, she was in Ocean's imagination the whole time! All those times he thought he was fucking her, he was just jerking off! Holy shit!

He travels to the houses of his other Eleven friends, and none of them existed either! There was no Chinese acrobat, no Cockney safecracker played by Don Cheadle, and there was certainly no Bernie Mac. Even Casey Affleck and his brother James Caan's Son were imaginary! The only one of his crew who is real is Elliot Gould. When Ocean gets to his house, Elliot explains how he used to sit around for hours, watching Ocean play Fourteen different characters. Because it was hilarious. Ocean starts crying, "You're a sick bastard, Elliot Gould." Elliot replies "I sure am, Danny. I sure am. Now do Bernie Mac for me again. I miss that guy."

Face/Off 2: Bigger and Blacker

2009-03-04T15:02:00.003+11:00

Omar Banks (Martin Lawrence) is a janitor at the White House, and one day his boss, President Barack Obama is put into a coma by a bumbling assassin. The President's Chief of Staff (Xzibit) doesn't want the public to know about it because of the economic crisis or something. He's like, "What are we going to do... to save America?" And then Omar walks into the room with his mop and sees the unconcious President. He's like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT" and Xzibit gets an idea... They're going to cut his face off.

:::record scratch:::

So now Omar Banks has to pretend to be the President because he's wearing Obama's face. He holds a press conference to assure America that everything is okay, and Xzibit is telling him what to say through his earpiece. But then there's some feedback or something and so Martin Lawrence just has to make shit up! Xzibit is watching him say all this crazy shit and he's getting pretty steamed, but the fake President manages to smooth things over and Xzibit's like "Hmm.. maybe this'll work after all." And then Martin Lawrence says something innapropriate and the audience all gasps, and one old lady faints out of emarrassment. ML is like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT"

:::record scratch:::

Later that day, The First Lady is all turned on because of ML's press conference. The fake President is meeting with a Prime Minister of China or something, and the FL comes up and whispers something in his ear, and ML is like "You're gonna suck my WHAT?" and the Chinese Prime Minister says something in Chinese and the subtitles say "Hit dat shit, nigga!" We cut to a few minutes later, after Martin Lawrence and the First Lady have finished gettin' it on, and ML is like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT"

:::record scratch:::

Just then, the real President wakes up from his coma. He's like "what the fuck is going on" and Xzibit tells him "Well sir, while you were in a coma for the last 12 hours, we removed your face and put it on the White House janitor, so that the public wouldn't panic." Barack is like "This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Bring this Janitor to me!" So they bring him back and they switch their faces so everything is back to normal. But Martin Lawrence learned a lot from this experience... and he is going to run for President in 2012. Cut to 2012, and ML of course loses the election to Obama. Then PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA is like "Whoa, clean up on aisle one OR WHAT" and they both laugh even though it makes no sense.

The Sixth Sense II: Rise of the Silver Senser

2009-03-04T08:36:00.006+11:00

Bruce Willis (Bruce Willis) has just realized that he is a ghost. He goes over to Haley Joel Osment's house and is like "Why didn't you tell me I was a ghost you mother fuck" and Haley explains, "Every time someone figures out they're a ghost and that I'm the only one who can see them, they want to use their powers for evil. So fuck you, Bruce Willis." But Bruce doesn't want to use his powers for evil, he wants to use them to fight crime. And there's a bank robbery in progress downtown happening right now!

Bruce and Haley Joel Olmos run to the Downtown Bank and sure enough, some goons with guns are robbing the place. They're forcing the Bank Manager to put all the money in a big bag with a dollar sign on it. The Head Goon is like "Hey, Jimmy-Boy, here's da secret location of where we're gonna stash da goods" and he passes Jimmy-Boy a note. J-B makes sure not let anyone else see it because it's a secret. But Invisible Bruce Willis fucking saw it! So then Bruce Willis tells Haley Joel Oswald who then tells the cops. He tells them over the phone using a voice-changer so they don't know it's him. The Commissioner is like "Who are you?" and HJO says "Just call me... The Senser." The next day all the newspapers are like "WHO IS THE CENSOR?" and HJO is pissed off because they spelled his name wrong.

After several weeks of crime-fighting, Bruce Willis is starting to get jealous that Haley Joel Oldman is taking all the credit as "The Senser". HJO is like "What am I supposed to tell them, 'I couldn't do it without the assistance of my sidekick, Ghost Boy'?" And Bruce says "What do you mean 'Ghost BOY', I'm like 40 years older than you" But The Senser's has had enough of this bullshit. He's just hit puberty so he's got better things to do than hang around with a ghost. So he takes out his Necronomicon and uses a Satanic spell to trap the ghost of Bruce Willis inside his pet hamster's body. He then hangs up his Senser mask for good and goes on living like a normal 13 year old kid (who sees dead people). But the Immortal Hamster Bruce Willis is always watching from inside his hamster cage... waiting for the right time to strike.

Panic Room 2: Still Panicking

2009-03-03T14:40:00.005+11:00

Jodie Foster and her kid have moved into a new house, and this time she makes sure it has TWO panic rooms in it. Jodie actually sleeps in a panic room. Her kid is like "Mom, don't panic so much. Forrest Whittaker is in prison, it's not like he's going to break into our house again." Well Jodie isn't worried about Forrest Whittaker because they've been emailing eachother ever since the events of Panic Room 1 so he's cool. Anyway, that night a pizza guy shows up and he's like "Who ordered the pepperoni with extra cheese?" But Jodie Foster DIDN'T ORDER ANY PIZZA. So she runs up to her panic room and locks herself inside. Jodie's Kid pays for the pizza because she's the one who ordered it, but Jodie doesn't believe her. She thinks HER OWN DAUGHTER is the mastermind behind this whole operation. She is panicking! So then JK eats the whole pizza herself. She's gotten pretty fat since the first movie. Soon, the Pizza Guy returns. He's like "I forgot to give you your extra pepperoni, baby..." Then Jodie says over the intercom "Look out, he's the infamous Pizza Rapist" but he actually does have extra pepperoni so he gives it to JK. But at this point Jodie Foster is panicking so much that she thinks the Pizza Guy just raped her daughter and ate her. She curls up in the fetal position and lies there until she dies. She has the greatest panic room in the world, so nobody is able to break in until 12 years later when scientists have invented a special kind of laser that cuts through panic rooms. The panic room has preserved Jodie Foster's mummified corpse, and in her hand they find... a stick of pepperoni! THE END.

The Truman Show II: Tru Lies

2009-03-03T14:38:00.003+11:00

Truman (Jim Carrey) has escaped to the real world, and discovers that Earth's yellow sun gives him super human strength and laser vision. This is the tru(e) reason why the Director (Ed Harris) kept him in that giant multi-trillion dollar snowglobe since birth. One of Truman's fans runs up to him and is like "Hey man I love your show" and Truman accidentally shoots him with his laser eyes and kills him. Then he becomes a fugitive, or should I say... a TRUgitive. Truman flies to the top of the Truman World dome and finds the director and starts crying. "What.. am I?" he cries. Jim Carrey gives an amazing performance in this scene. The Director promises him that everything will be okay, and tries to inject him with something that will help him control his powers. But Truman uses his x-ray vision or something and sees that he's actually trying to inject him with Super AIDS, so he punches him in the face and then flies away. The FBI and the CIA can't do shit because Truman is so powerful. BUT THEN, it starts raining and it turns out his one weakness is Earth Rain. He's still flying but the Earth Rain melts his eyeballs and he crashes into the Hollywood sign. His dying words are "Well, I guess that's Hollywood for you!" Meanwhile, the Director (Ed Harris) is watching this in his Dome Headquarters, and upon seeing Truman's death, he sheds a single tear. The camera zooms in on the tear until it is revealed that there is another Truman Show inside his tear. I don't really know what this ending means, but it makes an important statement about the media and our society.

The Horse Yeller

2009-03-03T14:30:00.004+11:00

Set 10 years after the events of The Horse Whispererer, HW is starting to lose his superhuman Horse Whispering ability. The horses can't hear him anymore so he has to keep talking louder and louder until eventually he's just yelling in their ears. But he's yelling so loud that it scares the shit out of the horses and they keep running away from him. Then, one tragic September morn, he yells "RUN REALLY FAST" in Billy the Horse's ear so loud that Billy kicks him in the fucking spine, paralizing him from the spine down. So now he has to chain the horses to the floor of a soundproof booth while he yells at them, otherwise they won't do what he commands. One day while sitting in his wheelchair naked in a soundproof booth yelling his lungs out at a chained-down horse, he's like "what have I become?" then he shoots himself in the head. But nobody hears the gunshot because he's still in the soundproof booth! By the time someone finds him, the horse has eaten most of his body. The End.

...or is it? After the credits, the horse that ate the Horse Yeller looks at the camera and its eyes glow red. The End????