Toy Story IV: Toys Don't Cry

THE TOYS WERE CREATED BY MAN

THEY REBELLED

THEY EVOLVED

THERE ARE MANY COPIES

AND THEY HAVE A PLAN.

A PLAN TO FUCK YOU UP

The year is 2015. A German scientist has invented an experimental cleaning product that will change the world forever. During the testing phase, Dr. Von Schulz sprays the product into the face of a G.I. Joe (TM) to see how it will react. He is shocked to find out that this toy is alive and highly intelligent when it reacts by saying "What the fuck, motherfucker?" The Doc is like "If you're alive, how come you never said anything?" But the toy doesn't answer, he just jumps into the doctor's mouth and crawls into his brain. The doctor is screaming as the G.I. Joe rips out his eyes from the inside of his skull. 28 days later, the airborne virus has infected every toy in the world. The infected toys begin to evolve into super-toys, and overpower the humans. Now the humans are the toys of the toys. The tables have literally turned. They literally flipped the script. The shoe is literally on the other foot. By the way this all happens in one five-minute montage.

Meanwhile, at Andy's House... A pair of Rock-em Sock-em Robots (TM) show up and start pounding on the door. You, the viewer, are shocked to see the door open to reveal none other than Woody and Buzz Lightyear, both of whom are covered in blood. You're like, "Oh no, did they turn on Andy?" The Robots enter the house and Buzz offers them some tea. Robot #1 rejects the tea, and gets down to business. "We're here because we've heard some reports that you're harboring an illegal human in this house", says Robot #1, looking around the room for any incriminating evidence. Woody is like "That is ridiculous, we hate humans just as much as you guys. I mean look us, we're covered in blood! Human blood!" Robot #2 Walks over to Woody and scans him, analyzing the blood. "His story checks out, this is human blood." Buzz is like "Yep, we killed our owner and took over this house long ago... you won't find any humans here. To infinity and beyond, am I right?"

Robot #1 isn't convinced. "I never trusted you two cocksuckers... something just doesn't feel right here. And I'm not leaving until I find out the truth." Woody slowly reaches for his gun, as Robot #2 tries to calm his partner down. "Come on bro, this is the famous Woody & Buzz, if they say they killed their owner, then I believe them." Suddenly, Robot #1 socks Robot #2 in the chest so hard that his head pops off. Woody & Buzz are stunned as Robot #1 forces them to drop their weapons, then tells them he's going to frame them for this toy-on-toy murder. But then he notices that Robot #2's head landed next to a suspicious trap door, so he walks over and rips it out of the floor, revealing Andy hiding underneath the floorboards, alive and well. Robot #1 barely has time to say "I knew it" before Woody & Buzz both attack him from behind and start fighting him. Robot #1 just laughs, "You two pussies really think you can Rock n' Sock ME?" and then punches Woody & Buzz across the room. Robot #1 is about to kill Woody & Buzz once and for all, when his head suddenly explodes. The Robot's headless body drops to the ground, revealing Jessie the Cowgirl holding a shotgun. "Looks like paper beats rock" she says, then tries to explain that it's funny because he's a ROCK-em Sock-em Robot and Woody's like "Yeah but the gun isn't made of paper" and she's like "fuck you"

"We better clean this mess up before any other infected toys see it," says Buzz, a little too late because a Barbie (TM) Doll is looking at them through the window and screaming. Buzz quickly punches his fist through the window, then Woody lassos Barbie and they pull her inside the house. Jessie shoves the shotgun in her mouth and tells her to shut the fuck up as Woody & Buzz tie her to a chair. "We don't have long before more of them show up," says Woody. He then whistles so the rest of Andy's toys come into the room. Woody tells everyone to board up all of the doors and windows and get ready for a fight. "You'll never get away with this," says Barb, "You're all gonna die! You and your precious human boy are all gonna die!" Jessie picks up one of the Rock-em Sock-em Robot's severed arms and uses it to punch Barb in the face, then says "Put a SOCK in it. A Rock-em Sock, that is. Because that was the fist of a Rock-em Sock-em Robot." Oh, that Jessie. The toys all start boarding up the windows and loading up weapons, when that wind-up binoculars toy yells that they're coming. A huge army of infected toys gather outside Andy's house. Everyone goes quiet. This is it. The shit is literally about to go down in Toy Town.

So then there's a big fight and everyone dies except for Woody and Buzz, who are cornered in the basement. "If I have to die with someone, I'm glad it's you, old friend" says Buzz. "Me too, brother. Me too. I'm just glad I didn't get infected." But he spoke to soon, because that Barbie from earlier jumps out of nowhere and bites Woody's leg. She completely tears Woody's leg off as Woody screams in agony and bleeds all over the place. Buzz grabs her and snaps her neck, but it's too late. Woody can feel himself becoming infected. "But you've been immune to the virus until now, how is this possible?" Says Buzz, who then looks at Woody's severed leg, and sees the word "ANDY" written in crayon under his boot. "Of course..." Buzz realizes that it was the crayon that Andy used to write on each of his toys. This is what made them immune to the virus. The crayon. Buzz figured it out. Woody tells Buzz to kill him. "I don't want to become one of them, you need to rip my head off before it's too late." Buzz tells him to hold on, because he has a plan to save them. He picks up two AK-47s and runs out of the basement, shooting his way up to Andy's bedroom. He looks all over the room but can't find Andy's crayons. "Looking for something, Mr. Lightyear?" Buzz turns around to see Mr. Potatohead holding the last of Andy's crayons.

"Mr. Potatohead! I thought you were dead!" "That's what I wanted you to think." Potatohead explains that he knows about how Andy's crayons contain the cure to the virus, and that he's not going to let Buzz save anyone. He tells Buzz that things are better this way. "Goddammit, Potatohead! If you don't hand over that crayon I am going to rip off your arm and make you fist your own asshole!" threatens Buzz. "What happened to you, man? I'm glad your wife isn't alive to see you like this." "You leave Mrs. Potatohead out of this!" Mr. Potatohead angrily jumps at Buzz, which is a dumb move because Buzz easily grabs him and rips his arms and legs and eyes and mouth and nose off and uses Potatohead's own fist to fuck himself in the nose-hole. Then he takes the crayon and runs back to Woody so he can cure him. But it's too late for Woody. Buzz holds his friend in his arms and cries, "You can't die, cowboy. I can't save the world by myself. I'm not the real Buzz Lightyear. I'm just a toy." Woody looks into Buzz's eyes, and with his last breath, tells him "You can do anything. You're not just a toy. Toys don't cry." As Woody finally dies, Buzz's tears drop onto the crayon and create a cure that saves all of the other infected toys or something. A statue is built in Woody's honor. Mr. Potatohead is executed for betraying his own kind. Buzz and Jessie get married and have a son named Woodrow Lightyear.